This question comes from a
point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my
being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m
actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with
prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain
an erection during intercourse. I’ve climaxed during oral sex or
handjobs. I’m not physically accustomed to getting off with anything
but my hand. Worst of all, the intense fear of impotence has caused me
to avoid sexual liaisons. When dating, I feel threatened by the
expectation of sex within the first few dates. Any solid advice?
Sick Of Beatin’
Join a gym and lose some weight. You’ll gain
some confidence and improve your health—and your
circulation—which could help in the keeping-the-dick-hard
department. (I’m not telling you that you have to transform yourself
into a muscle god to be happy or find love.) Seeing a doctor and
getting your hands on some Viagra couldn’t hurt, either. Vary your
masturbatory technique.
Stop sleeping with women unless you’re
attracted to them on some level, and recognize that holding the
women who will sleep with you in contempt is an expression of
self-hatred and knock it the fuck off. Since sex within the first few
dates makes you feel anxious, inform anyone you date that you’re not up
for having sex within the first few dates. And the next time you find
yourself in bed with someone or sense that things are headed there,
SOB, tell her that you’re really only interested in oral and mutual
masturbation—at least at first—and that you generally take
a long time to come. Then you don’t have to stress out about failing to
meet her expectations, because she won’t be expecting anything other
than what you’re capable of delivering.
Finally, there are sex workers out there who
will not only get you off in exchange for your money, SOB, but will
work with you on improving your skills and building up your confidence.
You may have slept with one already without realizing it because you so
resented having to pay for it that you dismissed her as a cheap whore
to protect your ego. Dumb mistake.
I’m a heterosexual male. I’ve
never been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never been in a short-term
relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship. Four make-out sessions
in my youth and paid sex with cheap street prostitutes is all the
physical intimacy I’ve ever known. And sometime before the end of this
year, I’ll be turning 45.
I have no explanation for how I fucked up
something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best
clues: (1) Deep down, I don’t think I’ve ever really believed women
could possibly find me attractive. (2) For me, being rejected and/or
humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear. (3)
My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than
my romantic/sexual situation: I’m always either barely getting by or in
some crisis where staying non-homeless is my only priority.
I want to understand what the fuck is wrong
with me and why I’m staring at a lifetime of totally unfulfilled
romantic and sexual hopes and dreams. The last thing I need right now
is some Pollyanna bullshit. I want brutal honesty.
A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations
Some people are alone all their lives
because they’re too damaged or too terrified or too terrifying, ALONE,
and some people are alone all their lives because they are simply, as
the cliché goes, unlucky in love. It sounds like you suffer from
social and sexual anxieties—damaged and terrified—and could benefit from seeing a shrink. You say you’re
barely getting by, ALONE, but if you’re spending money on cigarettes or
booze or pot or all three, well, you might want to prioritize your
mental health over those nonessentials.
Now here’s the usual line of Pollyanna crap
that we advice professionals are supposed to squart out for people like
you: There’s someone out there for everyone, kiddo, hang in there! But
that’s a lie, ALONE, and you know it and I know it and everyone who’s
ever said that knows it. If it were true, then… no one would be
alone all their life. Unfortunately, I can’t just tell you to
accept that you’re going to be alone all your life because we can’t
know for sure that you were one of those people—one of those
people destined to be alone all his life—until your
life ends. So here’s what you need to do between now and death:
Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with
your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do
things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet
someone along the way. Or not.
And finally, ALONE, if the only intimacy
available to you is paid sex with cheap street prostitutes—or, as
they prefer to be called, “conveniently located and economically priced
sex workers”—that’s better than nothing. Remember: Sex workers
are part of the solution for you, if not an entirely satisfactory
solution, so have a little gratitude and treat them with respect.
I’m a 60-year-old white male,
securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice
home that’s paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There’s just one
catch: I’m still a virgin.
Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to
which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially.
Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further
behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my
career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I
decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human
being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the
past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a
family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible
way to salvage something from this mess?
Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On
You’ve got a big advantage over ALONE,
STPIWTGO, in that you’re financially secure. That’s something that many
women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success
objects, blah blah blah—and you could leverage your professional
success to your personal advantage. You wouldn’t be the first man who
was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money
through a relationship, wouldn’t have to admit to “paying for sex.” So,
STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where
single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice
car?
But first: See a doctor. Reading your
letter, I wondered if you don’t suffer from an undiagnosed case of
mild-to-moderate autism. There’s no cure, but a diagnosis might make
you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a
better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal
and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know
you’re opposed to “paying for it”—no conveniently located and
economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want
to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate.
Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.
I can feel for those dude I was almost one of them but thankfully that is not the case any longer. You never know when you will find someone the only trick is do what you love and it may happen. That is how it happened for me it took a long while but it did happen.
I feel for those dudes I was almost one of them. Lucky for me I found someone but I was thinking I would be by myself from here on out. The key is do what you love and you may find that person.
I’ve heard of sexual surrogates, but… they’re something that insurance (presumably really good insurance) will pay for? Really? That’s pretty surprising to me.
My husband was one of you guys. Then he met me, re-prioritized his life around being happy instead of putting on a good show for the neighbors, and got himself a regular dose of Prozac. If you keep looking for life you have a better chance of finding it than if you don’t look at all. Good luck.
I’ve been paying for sex for over 16 years now and expect to continue paying for it for another 10-20. I would imagine a conveniently located and economically priced professional would be more available and less expensive than the two college tuitions, second car, and daily lattés my current contract requires.
“careful to launder the money through a relationship”- i love it!! Sex workers and trophy wives are the exact same thing, except that sex workers are a helluva lot more honest about the whole exchange. You nailed it, Dan! Great advice to all, as per usual ; )
I liked his advice to the second guy, although I’m closer to the third guy (24 y.o. and no relationship, no sex, no nothing). What I’ve come to realize is that if there is any fault, it’s with me and no one else. Counting the positives: Good career, great health, I live on my own and do what I want, and I live in a free-ish country. It’s not so bad. In fact it’s pretty good. And yes, many people have those things and have relationships, but you get the point.
Bitterness, anger, seeking pity, blaming women/society/media blah-blah-blah is not a solution. Developing your own hobies, accepting the cards your dealt (if that’s really what this is, and perhaps not I’m not a determinist) and some therapy is the way to go. Either way you have to take ownership of your life.
Good luck.
***
So why am I posting here? Well, I discovered Savage Love several years ago in one of those alternative weeklies and I was hooked.
Can’t we hear one of these stories from a woman’s point of view?? I am feeling a little too much testosterone within these pleas.
I think it’s demeaning to label trophy wives as similar to sex surrogates. It’s a tempting comparison, but it’s often way short of reality. I’m a physician in a big hospital in NYC, and I see older male patients come in all the time with their young trophy wives. The wives often get mistaken for daughters. These women are routinely heartbroken by their husbands’ diagnoses, and care for them through protracted illness. So, while their relationships may have been based on an unequal socioeconomic standing, there’s often great love there. Women who were in it exclusively for the money would not act the way these women routinely do. More often than not, the reality is different from the stereotype.
Let’s not get carried away here. I hate to be a wet blanket, but sex surrogates are not going to spoon-feed you through your dying years or grieve at your funeral.
Tom Waite, MD, PhD
First guy: 1) You don’t have to hit the gym, just walk 30 minutes at least five days a week and cut back on red meat, high-fat foods and sodium and I guarantee you’ll have better erections within a month. 2) If you don’t already, use lube when you jerk off, practice using a light touch, and resist the urge to jerk off every time you feel the urge (try to hold out for a week at a time), it’ll not only keep your sensitivity higher, but keep your motivation higher, too.
Second guy: While there’s not “someone for everyone,” as Dan says, most people – less successful people – fall into someone else’s “type.” Even if you don’t see how anyone could love you, put your best foot forward and don’t freak out if you do get a little interest.
Younger versions of third guy: If you’re smart enough to be ostracized for being smart, you’re smart enough to think yourself out of the social and dating problems. Apply your mind to fixing your social issues and think yourself out of the problem. Seriously. That’s what I did, and while I had few friends and zero girlfriends all the way through college, once I realized I was smart enough to figure it out, I started having much better “luck” and now have been with a smart, cute, very talented partner for over four years. We smart guys have a lot of advantages in landing great partners, if we just apply ourselves instead of letting our emotions distract us. Don’t be a social underachiever – apply yourself to your social problems like any other problem and you can work it out.
I wonder what makes Dan think that the last writer might have “an undiagnosed case of mild-to-moderate autism”
Anyone have any ideas?
@bud people with asperger’s (a type of autism) are often very intelligent but lack social skills & the ability to relate to other people
Budlight: for one thing, the references to stereotypes (e.g. successful career=happy, class brains=outcast, sexual revolution=everyone has plenty of it, etc.).
Dan: Actually, getting a diagnostic might get him farther than you think. I have an asperger friend who took it as a challenge to fulfill his lust despite his handicap, and it took him a long time, but now shares his semen with more generosity than anyone I know.
Get on online dating. Lots of dates, and if one doesn’t go well there’s always somebody else coming down the pipe.
Really brilliant column this week Dan, presented in a powerful way, on a topic that is routinely ignored.
Single men are expected to silently endure loneliness. That’s why I have to disagree with #8, since including letters from lonely women would only reinforce the idea that male loneliness is an unacceptable subject per se. Including a few female writers would have also erased Dan’s point that male loneliness may last a lifetime, and that it may have a particular set of solutions that are largely available only to men—such as prostitutes or trophy wives.
And it seems obvious that these men have been reluctant to seek out any help in the past, as none of the writers make any mention of seeking out help from friends or medical professionals. Perhaps Dan is making an underlying point that men commonly don’t seek out this sort of help.
Dan, you are an island of reality in a sea… no, an OCEAN of imagined idealness.
Life is rough for everyone, some more than others, but just keep working at it and perhaps it will suck less than it did before.
Good advice! I applaud you again! Keep going Dan!
To SOB
I have trouble keeping it up with a condom on. Presumably this is how you have most of your sex. For me the problem disappears completely with a trusted partner and no condom. Be proactive – don’t end up like ALONE or STPIWTGO.
Nice advice.
My fiance was a virgin until this year, and he’s 33. After one short lived relationship, he met me, and we’re engaged and fucking like rabbits!
There are a lot of women who look for the opportunity to get their hands on a virgin – it gives them a guaranteed way of getting to teach a man from scratch what SHE wants, and not a mash of what previous partners wanted.
Go to the gym, take courses or classes you’re interested in, take up personals online if you’re busy, and you never know who you’ll meet tomorrow!!!
Dear Dan,
As a woman with high functioning autism/Asperger’s I would just like to shout out that not all of us with the diagnosis have dismal sex lives. I have currently have both a long term relationship (close to a decade) and an additional lover (seeing each other for a little over a year). My advice for those with AS would be to pick up a couple of books on polyamory (even if you prefer monogamy)or fetish etiquette. Polyamory is definitely more complex and socially different than a “normal” relationship, but that’s the beauty of it. The literature on the subject tends to explain things to greater detail, much like an anthropologist, and includes information on techniques to effectively communicate sexual/emotional needs with your partner(s). Best of luck.
I believe the stories are fake.
Long time reader here – 33 year old Indian, sexually inexperienced, mildly socially retarded, definitely gay and still closeted, not doing too bad on the professional front – am terrified I will end up like ALONE.
Thanks Dan for this column and the topic.
Know what the problem is ..trying to fix it. Just hope things fall into place.
“squart” ?? New word or did you mean squirt?
fanx!
WAAAAAAAaaaaaah!
I’m alone and miserable.
Guess what? I’m not alone and miserable. What I wouldn’t give for some fluckin peace an quiet and not have to listen to my wife blablablablabla whine whine whine. Count your blessings. Just you wait and see, you’ll finally wind up with someone who will break your balls worse than you EVER COULD HAVE imagined.
Trust me buddy – the grass is always greener
But no grass means no broken eardrums.
@paisinbah
I’m an Indian queer girl! It’s hard to come out. When I told my mother about my girlfriend, she freaked out, woed the day her family became and told me i didn’t give men a good enough chance. And then two months later, she was telling me that maybe I should be more grateful to my girlfriend like it was no big deal at all. People are oddly surprising. Good for you for trying to fix it. I think for some people, deciding not to be “socially retarded” and just going at it with a ridiculous amount of determination can yield results that will surprise even yourself. And what in the world is better than surprising yourself?
@paisinbah
I’m an Indian queer girl! It’s hard to come out. When I told my mother about my girlfriend, she freaked out, woed the day her family became and told me i didn’t give men a good enough chance. And then two months later, she was telling me that maybe I should be more grateful to my girlfriend like it was no big deal at all. People are oddly surprising. Good for you for trying to fix it. I think for some people, deciding not to be “socially retarded” and just going at it with a ridiculous amount of determination can yield results that will surprise even yourself. And what in the world is better than surprising yourself?
@ALONE: I am also a heterosexual boy and have currently never been in a relationship. I’ve never gotten farther than kissing a girl (once) Those four makeout sessions in your youth prove that some women must find you attractive! You say you are terrified of being rejected, and I’m sure this is true, but at some point you obviously were willing to take the risks and it payed off! I think as you grew older and experienced personal and career disappointments your attitude changed and you became a defeatist who doesn’t believe he can be loved and thus will not try with women. You have the qualities in you to attract women, as you showed in your youth (I’m assuming teens or college, the time when there really is very little adult responsibility to manage) But at some point you buried them and stopped trying, consciously or not. If you can bring back out those qualities of your youthful personality that attracted women (work with a shrink on this), you probably won’t jump into a sea of your longtime sexual fantasies BUT you certainly can make progress and experience some of the relationships you have been desiring for so long. Don’t Give Up! I hope this helps you and anyone else who reads this post
Excellent replies as usual, Dan! I continually live for your column. You ROCK!!!
@8: acaggiano: Okay. Here’s one from a woman’s point of view:
Boy, I can really relate to SOB & ALONE. However, although I have long become celibate it is by my own choice. I survived a really abusive relationship and thankfully since, have gotten on with my life.
Consequently, two prices I have paid for this healing process are experiencing occasional shyness towards men and an inactive sex life. I, too, am a little overweight but am height / weight proportionate. Over the years I have become somewhat “date-challenged”, but so what? My life is a lot healthier than it ever was because I no longer am wallowing in the typical American societal bullshit of “OMG—I’ve GOT to weigh 20 lbs under my healthy weight or-or–GASP!–EEK!–oh, NO!!!!—I’ll never get asked out!!!”
I am now in my mid-forties, composing and performing my own music, drive a convertible, have a cat, and feel like the luckiest girl alive.
We all have our blessings to be thankful for, and our own passions. Find out what they are and go for it.
I can relate to those 3 cases, but instead of heteresexual change to gay….Next year I am celebrating my 50th birthday and I have decided it will be the last one, I am opting for the easy solution or the coward one but frankly I have lost all hope , i have nothing to expect and I am terrified of a life of loneliness and lovelessness. I could have resorted to paid sex workers but it would have meant my ultimate failure as a human being.I do not regret my decision …alea jacta est
@chaya.
Hey dude… if you’re gonna off yourself, you might as well have a few lays with a prostitute first – who cares if it means your ultimate failure. Your suicide will mean that, but at least you’ll have gotten your rocks off a few times before the end.
@ chaya760
First, it’s impossible to regret this type of situation… you can’t regret it because you no longer exist! Second, get off your high horse. Life is very hard alone, most relationships are even harder. Most all of the single people that I know are single largely because they would rather have to only consider their own feelings instead of be responsible for the feelings and reactions of their partner. Your example that you are lonely and experience a loveless existence (and will thus end it) shows that you are one of these people.
You’re 50 and alone… big deal! Get a cat/dog, a hobby, a social circle, a more demanding job, a THERAPIST, a self-help group that meets several times a week, and a gym membership. The order doesn’t matter~
We live in a world with 6.774 billion people! You’re alone, lonely, and loveless by your own volition. So get out there and change it! Take the advice you’ve been given and improve yourself. If you take some really simple steps you could very possible find love. However, even if you don’t find someone to share your life it, I guarantee you will have a fuller and more content life well into your 80’s.
@24: Fred34, you have my deepest sympathy.
My life was sheer hell until I finally wised up and got divorced. Nobody deserves abuse.
@31: Rock on, JoBo!!
@21: Nope. Mine’s the real McCoy.
Chaya760, don’t do it! There are worse things than loneliness. Try being trapped in an unfulfilling, loveless marraige for 56 years. And I do mean trapped – financially, socially, and now physically. Hell on earth. I couldn’t be more alone in some ways. But at least you still have the freedom. Also, I don’t think paying for sex represents any kind of failure as a human being. That’s just malarkey. So go buy yourself a nice hunk and enjoy yourself. Pick up those dice and get into the game. Get some therapy, please. Don’t give up, whatever you do.
@chaya
I’m slightly less than half your age, but I understand where you’re coming from. Give it another chance (therapy, gym, hobbies, etc.). Honestly though, if that doesn’t work then you gotta do what you gotta do. No point in suffering needlessly…no drama, no hysterics, no self-pity, no scenes. Just end it.
Good luck.
@MattIsHere
How does one get “socially” trapped? What the fuck is that?
Wow! Great column. This is the Dan Savage we all know and love. What a contrast to the “team of drunks” offering contempt to people asking for help column.
You can’t love someone else or be open to a relationship without loving yourself first.
I like what “Eric” posted, saying that “smart guys” have the advantage of being able to reason their way into the world of relationships and sex. My boyfriend of 5 years fit that same prototype: brainy, shy, non-social, virgin all the way through college. Then we met and he did all the right things to earn my affection, and 5 years later it’s still the best I ever had!
All these guys need to read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. This book, combined with the great info from Dr. Dan Savage 😉 will provide men with everything they need to, in fact, become men.
All these guys need to read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. This book, combined with the great info from Dr. Dan Savage 😉 will give these guys what they need in order to straighten themselves out.
@20: And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why polyamory is great in theory but horrible in practice. Polyamory is a magnet for Asperger’s types – to the point that the community is full of people with no intuitions about emotions, each trying to apply the same principles from the same few books on each other. It’s like a self-help cult with more sex.
I am so f-ing sick of hearing married guys whine about how they are paying for sex with “two college tuitions, second car, and daily lattés” and hate “have(ing) to listen to my wife blablablablabla whine whine whine”.
These dudes are such typical chauvinistic shitheads that it makes me angry that they even got a woman to marry them in the first place. If you really hate listening to women so much, divorce her so she can find a decent guy who loves her and thinks her thoughts are as important as your own and then pay someone to sleep with you when you want and then leave.
Seriously. It’s guys like you that give men a bad reputation. You should be ashamed.
Wow Dan Savage, do you have an answer for everything? You’re pretty awesome!
I can totally relate to the theme of the questions this week. I’m one of those idiots that need someone to basically get on top of me to realize they like me. My basic self image is so low, I missed quite a few opportunities with amazing women just because I couldn’t read their signals or thought they were only being nice by flirting with me. Only when I reflect back on a given situation do I realize someone has made a pass at me and I missed another opportunity.
I was one of these judgemental types that thought paying for sex was pathetic act until I went on vacation with a few friends. One of these former friends met a girl in a bar. After telling him her sob story, he wined and dined her, giving her hope of taking her out of her situation, just so her could have sex with her. When he returned to the bar the next night and picked someone else up, she was devestated and caused a scene. This caused me to realize: if he had just paid her for her services to begin with, we would have all been spared the scene and the humilation of a human being.
As a guy who can relate to the feeling of being rejected by anyone/everyone, I can only say that this is a very real and very deep feeling. For myself, I found that it had a lot to do with a very painful sense of deficiency, or a strong sense of not being worthwhile. If you feel that way, it’s REALLY hard to take chances around relationships, and when you get hurt, you feel REALLY hurt, and then it’s easy to just retreat into your shell again and lick your wounds for a long time.
I wasn’t able to find a fulfilling relationship until I dealt with this overwhelming sense of deficiency in me. Part of that was just admitting that I had this feeling, and not to ignore it. It’s embarrassing to admit. But on the other side, I really believe it’s something that we need to look at, examine, process, and understand. There are many spiritual and psychological paths that address this very real condition (I am a member of the Diamond Approach spiritual group). I think most of us are cut off from our own self-worth, but we can’t find our real self worth until we thoroughly examine our sense of deficiency, which most of us don’t want to do. Get to the heart of the matter! You’ll find the relief you so desperately seek.
As a guy who can relate to the feeling of being rejected by anyone/everyone, I can only say that this is a very real and very deep feeling. For myself, I found that it had a lot to do with a very painful sense of deficiency, or a strong sense of not being worthwhile. If you feel that way, it’s REALLY hard to take chances around relationships, and when you get hurt, you feel REALLY hurt, and then it’s easy to just retreat into your shell again and lick your wounds for a long time.
I wasn’t able to find a fulfilling relationship until I dealt with this overwhelming sense of deficiency in me. Part of that was just admitting that I had this feeling, and not to ignore it. It’s embarrassing to admit. But on the other side, I really believe it’s something that we need to look at, examine, process, and understand. There are many spiritual and psychological paths that address this very real condition (I am a member of the Diamond Approach spiritual group). I think most of us are cut off from our own self-worth, but we can’t find our real self worth until we thoroughly examine our sense of deficiency, which most of us don’t want to do. Get to the heart of the matter! You’ll find the relief you so desperately seek.
@ 11 – I’m thinking Asperger’s syndrome. With Asperger’s, you’re able to function, hold down a job, etc., but relating to other people in an emotionally intimate way is really, really hard. I’ve known some “Aspies”, and they’re usually nice people who aren’t difficult to be around at all, just quiet, that’s all. And when they get to know and trust you, sometimes you can’t shut ’em up!
Good luck to all the LW’s.
chgfhgf