This question comes from a
point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my
being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m
actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with
prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain
an erection during intercourse. I’ve climaxed during oral sex or
handjobs. I’m not physically accustomed to getting off with anything
but my hand. Worst of all, the intense fear of impotence has caused me
to avoid sexual liaisons. When dating, I feel threatened by the
expectation of sex within the first few dates. Any solid advice?
Sick Of Beatin’
Join a gym and lose some weight. You’ll gain
some confidence and improve your health—and your
circulation—which could help in the keeping-the-dick-hard
department. (I’m not telling you that you have to transform yourself
into a muscle god to be happy or find love.) Seeing a doctor and
getting your hands on some Viagra couldn’t hurt, either. Vary your
masturbatory technique.
Stop sleeping with women unless you’re
attracted to them on some level, and recognize that holding the
women who will sleep with you in contempt is an expression of
self-hatred and knock it the fuck off. Since sex within the first few
dates makes you feel anxious, inform anyone you date that you’re not up
for having sex within the first few dates. And the next time you find
yourself in bed with someone or sense that things are headed there,
SOB, tell her that you’re really only interested in oral and mutual
masturbation—at least at first—and that you generally take
a long time to come. Then you don’t have to stress out about failing to
meet her expectations, because she won’t be expecting anything other
than what you’re capable of delivering.
Finally, there are sex workers out there who
will not only get you off in exchange for your money, SOB, but will
work with you on improving your skills and building up your confidence.
You may have slept with one already without realizing it because you so
resented having to pay for it that you dismissed her as a cheap whore
to protect your ego. Dumb mistake.
I’m a heterosexual male. I’ve
never been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never been in a short-term
relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship. Four make-out sessions
in my youth and paid sex with cheap street prostitutes is all the
physical intimacy I’ve ever known. And sometime before the end of this
year, I’ll be turning 45.
I have no explanation for how I fucked up
something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best
clues: (1) Deep down, I don’t think I’ve ever really believed women
could possibly find me attractive. (2) For me, being rejected and/or
humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear. (3)
My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than
my romantic/sexual situation: I’m always either barely getting by or in
some crisis where staying non-homeless is my only priority.
I want to understand what the fuck is wrong
with me and why I’m staring at a lifetime of totally unfulfilled
romantic and sexual hopes and dreams. The last thing I need right now
is some Pollyanna bullshit. I want brutal honesty.
A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations
Some people are alone all their lives
because they’re too damaged or too terrified or too terrifying, ALONE,
and some people are alone all their lives because they are simply, as
the cliché goes, unlucky in love. It sounds like you suffer from
social and sexual anxieties—damaged and terrified—and could benefit from seeing a shrink. You say you’re
barely getting by, ALONE, but if you’re spending money on cigarettes or
booze or pot or all three, well, you might want to prioritize your
mental health over those nonessentials.
Now here’s the usual line of Pollyanna crap
that we advice professionals are supposed to squart out for people like
you: There’s someone out there for everyone, kiddo, hang in there! But
that’s a lie, ALONE, and you know it and I know it and everyone who’s
ever said that knows it. If it were true, then… no one would be
alone all their life. Unfortunately, I can’t just tell you to
accept that you’re going to be alone all your life because we can’t
know for sure that you were one of those people—one of those
people destined to be alone all his life—until your
life ends. So here’s what you need to do between now and death:
Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with
your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do
things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet
someone along the way. Or not.
And finally, ALONE, if the only intimacy
available to you is paid sex with cheap street prostitutes—or, as
they prefer to be called, “conveniently located and economically priced
sex workers”—that’s better than nothing. Remember: Sex workers
are part of the solution for you, if not an entirely satisfactory
solution, so have a little gratitude and treat them with respect.
I’m a 60-year-old white male,
securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice
home that’s paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There’s just one
catch: I’m still a virgin.
Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to
which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially.
Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further
behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my
career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I
decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human
being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the
past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a
family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible
way to salvage something from this mess?
Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On
You’ve got a big advantage over ALONE,
STPIWTGO, in that you’re financially secure. That’s something that many
women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success
objects, blah blah blah—and you could leverage your professional
success to your personal advantage. You wouldn’t be the first man who
was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money
through a relationship, wouldn’t have to admit to “paying for sex.” So,
STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where
single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice
car?
But first: See a doctor. Reading your
letter, I wondered if you don’t suffer from an undiagnosed case of
mild-to-moderate autism. There’s no cure, but a diagnosis might make
you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a
better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal
and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know
you’re opposed to “paying for it”—no conveniently located and
economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want
to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate.
Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.
I just farted…
@#25 peanut: that’s the ticket! you can point up or you can point down. we all point down sometimes, but in the long run it’s our choice.
I’m a woman over 60. I see three things in the original letters. First, fear leading to isolation, probably coupled with low social skills, perhaps caused by aspergers (aside: I don’t think of aspies as deficient, just one facet of the human personality spectrum. Learn about it to learn about yourself. Read books by aspies on how to have a relationship.) Second, and so far not mentioned, is a tendency by inexperienced guys to limit their social goals to a very small pool of young, good looking women. Widen your horizons. Third, meet people with whom you have something in common. On-line dating is a good screen if you are not involved in activities that bring others into your life (and don’t date people you work with.) Over the years I have met assorted men like the three letter writers. They might be surprised to find themselves on my list of “I’d date that one if I wasn’t already happily involved.”
Thank you, Dan, from all the ladies who like cock. Especially the part about getting therapy and paying for sex work. Too many times we get involved with men like this who mistake a well-socialized woman’s sympathy and understanding with wanting to be their sex therapist. Get your help from professionals, guys, before you advertise yourself as a man looking for a healthy and egalitarian sexual relationship.
Good luck to all these gents. There’s always a market for sexually confident, conscientious men who love and respect women. We look forward to seeing you there.
Also, I think “low caliber” translates to: persons whose self-esteem is so low, they are willing to put up with my bullshit. And that’s all you’ll get until your self-esteem is high enough that you do not view others as essentially better or worse than you. Duh.
I don’t know, I saw myself as a variation of of those three guys. I’m a great looking guy (in spite of the long curly locks). Built like fabio … I should have no issues right? Hell if I became a football player, it would most certainly solve my student loan issues.
High School, I was skinny. I was a strong healthy swimmer, but the northeast women didn’t really like tall skinny guys in the 90’s (not really sure they do now … ). I had a mediocre to poor home life where I was struggling to make grades and get out of a manipulative and near economically destitute homelife.
Then I became a sceintist … Then I thought, when I MIGHT have figured it out …
Surprise? Grad school and the Pacific Northwest killed just about all my romantic ambitions.
I guess, loneliness, it’s a disease. I don’t really know what the answer is, because I approached my problem like scientist. I bravely exposed myself and did social experiments, because I didn’t want to end up like a timid scared shittless 40 plus year old male that Neil Young seems to love to sing about.
But I more or less made some serious concessions. I started screwing around with women that would at least keep my heart alive, even though I deeply resented them inside. Eventually went to therapy. It was hard work, it was a gradual process, and I made some serious concessions. But I learned a lot about myself, and other people. I guess the most valuable thing I learned is how to say no, and that women are human beings too … and aren’t entirely innoscent either. (My mother was pretty harsh man hater in middle school and high school … not exactly sure why I moved to Eugene OR in hindsight.)
Still, I’m not going to complain. I have my health, I have career options that allow me to have a fullfilling social and romantic life. I will say that moving to Seattle has been such a huge a improvement as far as my dating life goes.
I’m going to burn for proposing this, but I’m a chemist. Mating among humans is a kinetics experiment. The rate determining step (the slow step) has to be women. They are just pickier than men, BUT they are picker on a diverse range of traits. So I find, in reality, there is someone for everyone … but that someone is stupid hard to meet. Apparently being a larger than life, empathic scientist is too much for most, but after exposing myself to the world … you realize there are people who appreciate who you are for what you do.
Holy smoke, this week’s is one depressing column!!!
Wow, I was gonna right in to complain about my problem but after reading all of this I’m just glad to have a job a place to live and food in the fridge. Man or no man.
This reminds me of the recent New York Times story on Japanese people incapable of creating real relationships who fall in love with inanimate objects. We just did a post on it: http://tinyurl.com/ox485s
I’m working on a documentary about virginity and write a blog on the subject as well called The American Virgin. Although I cover a lot of issues around virginity, I get an awful lot of email from older virgins talking about their lives.
We’ve started a weekly column called First Person where they share their experiences on being a virgin or recently losing their virginity. It’s our attempt at creating community and dialogue. http://tinyurl.com/n58mfc
There are a lot of people out there who think they’re socially hopeless, give up on live and withdraw – and I think we’d all agree it’s a real shame. We’d love to hear from you all on our blog! http://tinyurl.com/anhghf
And I’ll definitely link to this Savage Love so my readers can get some more perspective on the situation.
Squart: Squat and Fart?
RE your comment to ‘A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations’: “So here’s what you need to do between now and death: Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet someone along the way. Or not.”
Dan, I don’t read your column, but my husband does. He sent me the link to this week’s, and I felt I had to comment, as I’ve been there, long ago.
Just outta high school, I was alone and lonely during the mid 1970’s, but I couldn’t bring myself to go out by myself. The incident that finally broke me of this behaviour: being into punk rock very early on, I had tickets to see the Sex Pistols in SF back in Dec 1977. But I sold them cuz I couldn’t find someone to go with me! Then they broke up the following month. That did it. Jan 1978 I started going out to punk shows CONSTANTLY, ALONE. In mid-1979 I met my husband. He fell in love with me quickly. I didn’t reciprocate, but I enjoyed his company. 5 months of dating, and now we’re coming up on our unofficial (being gay, the first time we had sex) 30th anniversary, March 2010.
DON’T GIVE UP! Life is TOO SHORT TO NOT ENJOY IT. To this day I have a gal pal who refuses to go out by herself cuz “people will think I’m a loser”. OMG, I just wanna SLAP her! WAKE UP! Until she, and ‘A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations’, change their attitude, they will remain lonely until death. GAME OVER!
TAKE CHARGE! And good luck to you.
RE your comment to ‘A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations’: “So here’s what you need to do between now and death: Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet someone along the way. Or not.”
Dan, I don’t read your column, but my husband does. He sent me the link to this week’s, and I felt I had to comment, as I’ve been there, long ago.
Just outta high school, I was alone and lonely during the mid 1970’s, but I couldn’t bring myself to go out by myself. The incident that finally broke me of this behaviour: being into punk rock very early on, I had tickets to see the Sex Pistols in SF back in Dec 1977. But I sold them cuz I couldn’t find someone to go with me! Then they broke up the following month. That did it. Jan 1978 I started going out to punk shows CONSTANTLY, ALONE. In mid-1979 I met my husband. He fell in love with me quickly. I didn’t reciprocate, but I enjoyed his company. 5 months of dating, and now we’re coming up on our unofficial (being gay, the first time we had sex) 30th anniversary, March 2010.
DON’T GIVE UP! Life is TOO SHORT TO NOT ENJOY IT. To this day I have a gal pal who refuses to go out by herself cuz “people will think I’m a loser”. OMG, I just wanna SLAP her! WAKE UP! Until she, and ‘A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations’, change their attitude, they will remain lonely until death. GAME OVER!
TAKE CHARGE! And good luck to you.
I’m a bit of a lonely guy myself. I just turned 40. Only one serious relationship. Constant career crisis. Never been good at making friends. I don’t get along very well with my loving and supportive stable family. I scored in the 99th percentile on the GRE verbal but can’t get my short stories published.
The fact that I’ve managed to avoid fucking up badly enough to got to prison and/or getting shot by a nervous cop is one of those things that keeps me from completely discounting the possibility of the existence of God.
Everybody who’s ever studied psychology has looked at more than one condition in the DSM and thought, “Could that be me?” I first read _An Anthropologist on Mars_ by Oliver Sacks back in the late 90s and thought that. Took another seven years to get that whole Asperger’s thing professionally diagnosed.
If you don’t know, Asperger’s is a form of relatively mild autism characterized by an at least normal IQ, at least normal verbal ability and development, but marked social impairment.
My diagnosis doesn’t so much help me feel like less of a failure, as it helps me feel like less of a fuck up. A blind man doesn’t fuck up when he bumps into a wall. I don’t fuck up when I scare off a pretty girl with my idea of an appropriate joke. My dead blank soulless seeming predator’s eyes aren’t anyone’s fault. I do the best I can with the tools I have.
My diagnosis doesn’t wash away any of my myriad failures, but it does explain a lot of them. It also really helps my relationship with my family. And it also helps me cut myself a little slack, making it that little bit easier to get on with the rest of my life.
Former Tri-State @ 55: I must say that the sentiments in you last paragraph are very nicely put (and no need to fear burning).
I have enjoyed many of your comments on Slog, and am glad not only that you are part of the Slog community but that you have chosen to share your experiences and history.
What a depressing column this week =/
Still good of course! I feel for all of those writers.
More kudos: This week’s is among the best that I can remember.
You know some people actually prefer to be alone and choose to be alone. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Nothing worse than a fat ugly loser who thinks he’s too good for fat ugly girls.
All three LWs have a common problem: they don’t like themselves and don’t seem to have people around them who like them. Put the sex concerns aside, and work on becoming a person you like more. Then find people who you have something in common with, some of whom will like you.
After that you’ll start to realize that you have something positive to offer the rest of the world. Once that happens, you’ll be ready to think about finding a partner.
Every day, you decide whether you want to do something to make your life better… or not.
I love Dan Savage, but I don’t think he’s going to help these guys much. Paying for sex isn’t going to make them any happier, and it’s going to reinforce their belief that no women would like them for themselves.
@ 28 – WileEcoyote, with a fantastic outlook on life like yours, someone worth having will come along, at some point, whether you’re looking for it/wanting it or not. It’ll happen. Your inner peace shines through, I’m sure, and a perceptive person will pick up on that. It’s all about attitude.
I think that Dan’s autism diagnosis is correct. The form that he’s talking about it called Asperger’s and can often produce high-functioning people who go undiagnosed because of their intelligence. Bill Gates has often been speculated to have Asperger’s Syndrome. These people are socially inept, awkward, usually highly intelligent, and skilled at mathematics.
I’m 44 and have been widowed and sexless for nearly three years…and I find I enjoy my solitude. I am, however, having a friend of 30+ years move in in September because she needs a place to go, and I have an entire second floor with full bath I’m not using. And it’ll be a mutually beneficial relationship. It won’t be sexual in any way (I’m gay, she’s not) but I do understand the want for human companionship from time to time. And besides being great friends, she’s an extremely good cook (I’m not) and would love to cook for both of us.
For those who haven’t had a physical relationship, you’re actually lucky because you have nothing to mourn. Thankfully I’ve stopped mourning the loss of a physical relationship, and have lived nicely for almost 3 years without, but I do have to admit some nights after work it’d be nice to come home to a human and not a keyboard (SOME, not MOST).
I guess what I’m saying is, figure out what’s positive/good in your life and run with it rather than being sad about what you don’t have.
Uncle Joe, paying for sex might not make them happier, but it might make them MORE functional.
It can just be a way to work the kinks out and potentialy get your confidence back, lose a lot of performance anxiety.
And really, sometimes sex just helps men RELAX and put a little swagger in their step.
Dust off your old weiner and see what it can do.
It’s by no means a substitute for emotional connections, but … having sex can take the edge off potential sexually intense situations.
Unfortunately, it might be the only experience some men (people) get.
Because for most women, there is nothing more unattractive than timidness, lack of confidence and performance anxiety.
A lot of men can look at a timid unconfident woman and think to himself “bait” then set himself up for a relationship with a warped power dynamic. I don’t usually see it work the other way around.
As a guy, when you walk into the room and you are unsure of yourself, it’s not an impossible climb to make, but you’ve given yourself one hell of an uphill hike to win a girls favor.
One thing I’ve found that’s helped me enormously is joining up with my local ‘Pick Up Artist’ or ‘Seduction’ community. Despite what the names and media image suggest, these groups tend to be about self-development and becoming who you want to be, rather than learning cheesy routines or chat-up lines. Just going out there ‘in the field’ and talking to random women in bars has done wonders for my self esteem and my love life. There’s a few people trying to make money, and a fair amount of pyschobabble and flaming on the forums, but if you sort the wheat from the chaff you can get some really good pointers about love and life in general.
I’m similar to a lot of guys posting here. Never had much luck with women until my late twenties. Even now it’s not great, but it’s a hell of a lot better than before….
There seems to be a whole generation of men who don’t know what to do.
One thing I’ve found that’s helped me enormously is joining up with my local ‘Pick Up Artist’ or ‘Seduction’ community. Despite what the names and media image suggest, these groups tend to be about self-development and becoming who you want to be, rather than learning cheesy routines or chat-up lines. Just going out there ‘in the field’ and talking to random women in bars has done wonders for my self esteem and my love life. There’s a few people trying to make money, and a fair amount of pyschobabble and flaming on the forums, but if you sort the wheat from the chaff you can get some really good pointers about love and life in general.
I’m similar to a lot of guys posting here. Never had much luck with women until my late twenties. Even now it’s not great, but it’s a hell of a lot better than before….
There seems to be a whole generation of men who don’t know what to do.
@72: Could you elaborate on the following statement?
A lot of men can look at a timid unconfident woman and think to himself “bait” then set himself up for a relationship with a warped power dynamic. I don’t usually see it work the other way around.
Thanks.
I’m actually one of these guys. Im 23 and never been in a relationship. Just had 1 night encounters with random girls. I actually believe it has to do with being in the right place at the right time and your overall confidence in yourself.
I actually believed I wasn’t attractive and didn’t talk to girls for many years for the fear of being rejected. Later on I just cared less about rejection and started talking to girls more and it turned out that a lot think “im hot”.
my advice is just be confident (not cocky) in yourself even if your not attractive. and talk to people. the most important part i think is living your life and not being depressed about it.
@ chaya760 and many of the others who have posted: Depression is treatable. You don’t have to feel so horrible. There are therapists, medications, treatments… you can feel better and move forward in your lives. Get the help you need and know that you don’t need to be so alone. You may or may not find someone to love, but you can sure find some folks to like. Good luck to you.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE IDIOTS!!!
JUST PAY!!!!
Jeez, now was that hard?
Honestly, the stupid things people believe…
Of course, I was these same guys myself. Even had someone suggest I had Asperger’s (I’ve got some kind of issues, but the drugs help so far…). But for god’s sake, paying for ladies company has been such a relief. No muss, no fuss, just ante up and fun times with fine women. Gotta luv it.
I don’t think I’ve had the self hating thing too too much. I’ve dumped my two girlfriends. One was psycho and the other was a gold digger. I’m happy to die alone with fond memories of all the beautiful women I’ve paid to have sex with. Perhaps I am pathetic (not sure, don’t care really), but damnit, I’ve been with goddesses and I don’t regret one red cent.
Also, in my experience, relationships are overrated.
Enuf said.
Thanks Dan for your responses, though of course I would have loved to hear some letters from women who had the same experiences and fears. It’s refreshing to hear the no bullshit advice response that some people are destined to be alone. It may be hard to hear if you believe that statement applies to you, but it is certainly better than some candy-coated idea that there is somebody out there for everybody. Because that is certainly not true and some people will die alone and unloved.
@76: I hate it when people give the ‘confident’ advice without saying how to ‘be confident’. It’s obviously a huge plus. But how are you going to ‘be’ confident when you aren’t?
@75: You are absolutely, 100% right. Studying pickup and working on the techniques that the community teaches can boost your confidence and social skills. There is a danger though in studying pickup, and that is, simply put, that pickup can get addictive. If you get too mechanistic about it, you won’t manage to find love, but only bang as many people as possible.
There is a concept called involuntary celibacy, I’ve also heard protracted virginity. One research paper out there describes a frustrating self-fulfilling prophecy – a person misses key sexual landmarks, gets off track, and starts to assume the reason is something that’s wrong with them. Add low self-esteem and social anxiety, and you’ve got yourself an involuntary virgin.
I’m the straight female example. I’m 33 and I’ve never been physically involved with anyone in any way. It started with shit that happened when I was a kid (health related). I felt ugly, broken and undeserving of love all my life. For the last 10 years I’ve worked really hard on healing myself.
But things still haven’t happened yet. I am scared to tell people my history, I don’t know when would be the right time to bring it up and I’m worried that they’ll think I’m a freak. I’ve always been interested in sex and able to get off, but feel scared and alienated from the real thing.
BTW, generally when I do tell people this, they are really surprised. I am smart, moderately attractive, fit, always had close friends, have developed great social skills and have always held down a job. The realm of sex and relationships is the great difficulty in my life.
@75
Oh crap, I think the heat is warping my brain.
“A lot of men can look at a timid unconfident woman and think to himself “bait” then set himself up for a relationship with a warped power dynamic. I don’t usually see it work the other way around.”
I think confidence and self empowerment is good for human beings in general. I think it most certainly effects the QUALITY of your relationships.
I just feel that also … a lot of unconfident yet attractive women can easily find themselves in a relationship … but they are rarely constructive. I can think of several of my female friends who obviously don’t think too highly of themselves settling for relationships where they are perpetually taken advantage of. At the same time I rarely see a guy who is unconfident in a relationship period, good or bad, regardless how hot he is.
I know it is a gross and overly descriptive generalization. But If the figure of merit is getting laid (regardless of quality), confidence is key for men but not necessarily for women.
token grl,
I have been guilty of this a couple of times. I was intimidated by a girls lack of experience because I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to their expectations, or if it didn’t work out … I would have done irreparable damage.
In both instances, I lost out. I’m not really sure if I have regrets about this, because the first girl lost her virginity to a total douche, who I thought was my friend, and then she FELT THE NEED TO CONFIDE TO ME ABOUT IT. When it was in the realm of crap I didn’t want to know.
The second time, well … it didn’t help that I almost hooked up with her friend … (AlMOST being the key word). But she is actually dating a guy I really like who was willing to take a chance on her even though she lacked experience.
It was also understood that the guy was going to be leaving town at the end of Fall, so super long term expectations weren’t super high.
So maybe that’s the key … find yourself a confident, independent guy who would be more than happy to be a gentlemen to you, but don’t spook him high expectations.
Dan, please try not to tell people who are feeling down about who they are to lose weight. It’s that kind of thinking that leads SOB to think his weight is part of his problem.
I’m a sex worker and have seen clients that are similar to all of the men in the letters. I agree that if they can get rid of the idea that they are “resorting” to a sex worker it may help!
I have had clients I’ve helped educate. At times I’ve sat there like a therapist and really just told them it’s all okay too. And I like to think I’ve bought joy and companionship to people who otherwise may not have found it.
The trick is to find the right sex worker for your needs and keep shopping around until you do! There is no shame in it.
I feel it’s important to add that these guys could make the profound personal changes necessary to have a relationship…and the first relationship each of them has is probably going to suck. That’s because each of them is a really bad relationship prospect right now. Ergo, anyone with good relationship sense will avoid them…(no offense to Selina – exceptions do occur) and their first relationship will probably be with people whose relationship skills are in the same league of awful – truly, horribly awful – as their own.
That doesn’t mean don’t try it, it means things are probably going to get worse (or a different kind of bad) before they get better.
Thanks, former tri-state. My expectations aren’t that high, I don’t think guys need to worry about that from many older virgins. At this point I’m just dying for a little emotional companionship and physical stimulation. I think you are right on the other point – I worry about coming across as damaged and damageable goods. As Dan says, I’m trying to figure out how to deliver the news in a way that makes it a cupcake instead of leukemia. Suggestions are most welcome.
Jesus, what a bunch of blather.
The Philippines or Thailand are no more than 18 hours from anywhere in America. For a $600 plane ticket you can have more beaver than you have ever seen before in your life.
Make up 40 years in 40 days.
Go on, why not?
This just goes to show how fucked up it is that our society puts soooo much weight on love and relationships. It’s bullshit. I’ve met many a celibate (Buddhist) monk who radiated more happiness than anyone else I’ve been around. Gettin’ some or not does not have to have any bearing on living a good life. Feeling like there is something wrong with you WILL hold you back, guaranteed. Moreover, I think that love, relationships, sex, lust, etc. may cause as much suffering in the world as war. That may sound like a stretch, but it is closer than you think. I have, at times, felt like those guys. I have, also, at times been in love and have had some fucking MIND blowing sex. I am perfectly capable of being miserable or happy in either situation. Three words: LET IT GO.
First guy. Your problem is mainly sensitivity. You can cum when getting blow job, hand job or masterbate, but vaginal sex is not as intense of a sensation. Its a fact. To solve this: 1. Masterbate way less. Its almost impossible to jerk off less, but you have to do this. It takes a while for this to take effect, think about 1 month. Then you’ll be in the clear. Plus, no guy can do it everyday. 2. Also, just chill regarding sex. Think about your lady, how cool she is.
Lastly, realize that this happens to every guy. Deal with it and then move on.
token grl
I think the 33 year old virgin thing is inconsequential. I mean, from my perspective, it’s YOUR virginity and not his.
I think it should be a moment for you and a time for YOUR introspection. It’s your self exploration and the ability to see what you have to offer (and to see what you like). Because up until this point you had no clue. It was all in your mind, fantasy, and make believe. So I think the virginity thing? Blah so you’re planning on losing it, great … awesome, and if it turns into a magical moment, uber bonus points to you.
I just think maybe it might take the load off a bit if you looked at your first sexual encounter a little more selfishly …
But really, if you don’t have a psycho x-bf willing to chase anyone who looks at you the wrong way, if you don’t have kids you have to take to school the next day, and if you aren’t demanding a ring to be placed on your finger in the near future, and you can provide reassurance that most sane guys are willing to feel safe with.
And if you are reasonably attractive, just go out into the world … you’ll be fine.
I love “men are success objects.” Is that revelation an original one, Dan? You should copyright it.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to point out that I’m a well-hung man…and that it’s a problem sometimes.
Feel sorry for me?
@80: Right fucking on.
How can someone confidently say “Yeah, I’m a virgin”? How do you make yourself sound confident while you say “I live on my parents’ money and live in a filthy hell-hole” or while thinking “I HAVE TO GET WITH THIS GIRL TO END THE UNENDABLE CYCLE OF LONELINESS I’VE BEEN LIVING WITH MY WHOLE LIFE!!!”
How does “just have confidence” come into play there, exactly?
Why does the side bar list “Things I’ve learned from Women who Dumped me” under “Books by Dan Savage”?
There is actually a term for this sort of thing: Incel…it is short for Involuntary Celibacy. There is a forum online with several members. I’d suggest people with this problem go there for some support.
chaya760,
Hugs. You sound so sad and depressed, I hope you are getting some help. Counseling and antidepressants sounds like a good start. Can you find one thing that you have always wanted to try and give it a go? Love yourself. Perhaps there is a sex therapist that can help you as well, not just physically but socially? I think you owe it to yourself to make every effort to find a better and happier you.
Utimately, I think more folks, especially some of those who wrote to Dan, need to understand that it’s not fundamentally wrong to have sexual urges and NOT act on them. Hell, I’m a 30 year old virgin, not overweight, athletic, and a funny guy. But I don’t date. Why? Because there’s more important things to life than getting laid. Take care of your problems first, then worry about involving someone else. If that never happens, so be it.
Here is one for a start –
One activity that women love and way too few men participate in is dancing. Often completely overlooked.
I kind of liked it (Latin dances) but got a late start and met my wife that way in my early 30s. Man, had I only known earlier… a guy who is a decent dancer (easy to achieve) should have no problem to get a date.
It’s fun, healthy, teaches manners, gives great opportunities to dress up, great music, one can spend a whole night together with as much closeness or distance as you like, you don’t have to show off, just make the woman look good on the dance floor and after all, some dances are basically pure sex on the dance floor – not that this is the main reason, but I have seen and done beautifully intimate dances.
We are making sure our children will be exposed to it and perceive it as something essential to life.
Sign up for some classes and on the weekends go out as a group with the people in your class to practice in some clubs. Don’t be afraid of how you look out there, everyone sucked at the beginning. And there always will be someone who is so much better than you, but that’s not why most people love it.
And don’t dismiss it as something for gays or metrosexuals only – BIG mistake. Cost me many opportunities.
If you are unable to form a relationship with anyone you find attractive, then you need to fucking lower your standards. Go after the fatties or the uglies. Quit judging woman based solely on their looks, and look a little further.
I have no sympathy for people with standards higher than they can reasonably expect to attain. But if 40+ years of loneliness haven’t taught you that there’s a HELL of a lot more than a pretty face behind a wonderful woman, you deserve to die sexless.
My mom wonders all the time why she can’t find a guy to save her life. It’s because she’s 250 pounds, 47 years old, and she’s looking for Fabio. What the fuck is wrong with this picture?
#29 Chaya 760
I’m sorry you are set on committing suicide. Could you do some people a favor? Donate your blood, as often as you can. Do pheresis, where you donate platelets — they go right into someone else, never frozen. No psych test, either, so they’ll take you. Then you save some lives while you’re thinking of killing yourself. If that works, can you then donate part of your liver? It probably won’t kill you, you donate half and your half grows back and the other half saves someone. You’re looking at two months of rehab, and somehow you’d have to pass a psych test, but you seem smart enough to fake them out. If all that works, maybe donate a kidney? I don’t know if you can do the liver and the kidney, but it’s worth a shot. If you can save some lives, maybe it will save your own, but if not, at least you’ll go out in style. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Chaya, huh? It means ‘animal’ in Hebrew, but it sounds like ‘life’ — ever notice that?