I’m a longtime reader who
thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as
the “good girl.” I have a close male friend. Even though I knew he was
dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago.
Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with her!),
sometimes it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was
leading to something more. He once admitted that if things were
different, he could see us together. But a while ago I discovered that
while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been unfaithful to me.
On to the point: He recently proposed to his
girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s what he truly wants, but I feel
like he did it out of desperation. All I know is that there were some
ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want to out myself, I
don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Dan,
but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like
before they get married. Should I anonymously contact her and let her
know that her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!
One Of Many Other Women
Gee… it must have come as a real shock
when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in
girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was
cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?
On to your question: I hate to think of some
poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS)—a CPOS is not
to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND)—in
ignorance of his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the
CPOS’s fiancée already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one
of those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better that this
woman doesn’t know, and someone really ought to clue her in before the
wedding. But should that person be you?
I’m not comfortable with your motives,
OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good
girl”—as the good girl—but your actions prove that
you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s more: Your desire to
destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re something of a
“vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as
concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a
“self-deluding girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without
paying any price yourself—you don’t want to out yourself or risk
ruining your “friendship” with the CPOS—proves that you’re a
“selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”
Come on, OOMOW: The reason you want to do
this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to
yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship
without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing—a useful
thing—that you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW,
because he’ll never know for sure which one of his other women ratted
him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives
aside…
If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I
would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think
you should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency—even
the tiniest bit—you will tell her personally, apologize
profusely, and provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut
it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women from
his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous
accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a
vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very
nearly true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to
destroy her happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with
the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he
probably cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you
with. He’s a piece of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a
vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I’m not sure if you can all
do better, or that any of you deserve better, but I do think you should
all try.
I’m a hetero girl. I love
masturbating, but I get nothing from hetero porn. I can’t stand the
girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn. I tend to go for what
you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a twink, technically
speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m not
concerned, just curious: I get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in
real life because I get off to so many in porn. I would love to watch
two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m not sure if gay guys would
be into that.
Twink Lover
Twinks are boyish gay men—boyish
men, not boyish boys—in their late teens to
mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and relatively hairless
chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting your
live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t
have anything to worry about on the statutory front.
As for watching a couple of twinks go at it,
there are lots of bisexual twinks out there—perhaps you could
date one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also,
without a doubt, some twink couples out there as turned on by the idea
of some straight girl watching them go at it as you are turned on by
the idea of watching. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer,
finding them—or renting them—is easier than ever. And
speaking of twinks…
However much Playgirl paid Levi
Johnston for that photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought
Playgirl—which ceased publishing in print a while
ago—was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with
Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that
Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say
after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay
categories—bear, cubs—and Levi asked what his type would
be. We decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.'”
I love the idea of a twunk—an older
twink—but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a
twink supposed to be if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no:
Johnston was never a twink. He is a high-school jock—the hockey
variety, to the delight of gear fetishists everywhere—gone
slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting Johnston
into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a
major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays.
Celebrity—that’s what he is now—means having to hang out
and work with (and work for) a certain number of out homos. Homophobia
is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.
And, psst, Levi? If you did that
Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law
crazy—and if that was your plan, kiddo, it worked—imagine
how much crazier she’ll get if you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just
sayin’. 
ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS: The
Stranger‘s annual holiday auction—Stranger-crombie—is
on now and benefits several worthy local charities. Go to thestranger.com/strangercrombie for details, bargains, and hotties.
OOMOW needs to STFU about the CPOS.
There are only two ways that the fiancee should find out about CPOS’s activities. Either CPOS tells her directly or CPOS screws up and leaves a trail that takes minimal detective work to find out he is a CPOS. This has the additional benefit of OOMOW’s fantasy of being the good girl intact should the fiancee catch CPOS with OOMOW; who can then play innocent woman who did not have a CPOS was married.
This is why it is SO much easier to be an HND.
OK, so the guy’s a douche, but OOMOW is also a douche for sleeping with a douche whose in a relationship.
Oldest rule in the book: If s/he’ll cheat with you, s/he’ll cheat on you.
@12 Google “slash” or “slash fanfic”. There’s a whole world of Pretty Male Porn out there for you to enjoy, much of it of “straight acting” men falling into gay relationships.
“In women, a high sex drive is associated with in-
creased attraction to both men and women.” (Gender, Nature, and Nurture, Richard A. Lippa, 2006, 2007).
“Twunk” is alreay being used to describe being lucky/unlucky enough to get sexed-up by a twink.
As in “having been twunk”, “getting twunk after the bar” etc.,…
Also, the past tense of “twinking” someone.
“When Justin got into a hissy and moved out, taking most of my clothes and all my Xanax, I realized I’d been twunk.”
@42 “The surprise is that since Dan usually says monogamy is not a realistic choice for most couples, that with this advice he seems to take for granted that an assumption of monogamy is the default mode for heterosexual relationships. I say he’s not a cheater unless he has made a vow to ‘foresake all others’.”
You seem to be confusing default setting with “ideal setting” or “correct setting”.
Until we have a major cultural shift, because most people expect monogamy from people they are dating sexually, it is cheating to not provide that, unless if a different understanding is reached. That is to say, exactly as you did, that monogamy is the default.
Now, if the relationship is set up outside these norms, such as by not actually dating (just booty calls) or by becoming the “other”, then the default wouldn’t hold.
OOMOW is probably the least sympathetic character ever to write into Savage Love. Seriously girl, your head is way up your ass.
Man, I thought I was the only woman that got off on gay porn. I could care less if the men involved were twinks or bears, I love love love to watch men get it on. It is my secret kink, the one thing I have not been able to share with any men that I have dated, no matter how open were with each other. I am especially turned on by anything bareback. I think it is the taboo aspect of it all…..
Oh well, good to know that this hetero female is not alone!
“@12 Google “slash” or “slash fanfic”. There’s a whole world of Pretty Male Porn out there for you to enjoy, much of it of “straight acting” men falling into gay relationships.”
@55, oh I’m well familiar with slash fiction;) I was a connoisseur of the Harry Potter slash world for a couple of years, which did have a number of nice “straight but lets experiment” stories and art (ironically I never liked Harry/Draco, its most iconic pairing!). Still, I would love to see a video with that premise, with a little more verisimilitude in it than the average porn. I need to imagine it’s something that could happen in real life 😉
I’ll add a voice to the whole “straight girl loves watching two guys” thing. It is about 85% of this straight girl’s fantasy life. I’ve always felt horrid about it…particularly when it devolves into thinking about my poor straight boyfriend getting a BJ from a hot buddy.
For all you gals, straight or gay, who get off on the idea of two guys together, try samhainpublishing.com and dreamspinnerpress.com. They are M/M erotic romance sites, with books/short stories mostly written by women for women. Your head will have to supply the visuals though (which is sometimes preferable).
@59, 61 and 62; myself (and a few girlfriends I’ve talked to) prefer watching two guys get it on over hetero porn. I doubt it’s an odd thing for hetero girls to enjoy. I mean, we like penis … it shouldn’t come as a surprise!
#63 – it’s not just a hetero girl thing. A good number of lesbians like gay male porn too. Human sexuality, especially female sexuality, is very complex. It is difficlt to determine why people find certain things arousing, and different people may like the same thing for differnt reasons. But my best guess on this particular kink is that, subconsiously, it makes women feel safer. A guy getting it on with another guy is not likely to rape a woman, and knowing that allows women to enjoy male sexuality without fear. Just my theory and may not be a universal truth. The more interesting question is why it is considered so strange for women to like watching men together when it a complete cliche for straight men to like to watch women together.
Why does OOMOW’s letter seem to read like a TV episode of All My Children?
I’m with @3: Leave his sorry ass, don’t look back, and pity his clueless, also-cheated-on wife-to-be.
And then get over it.
Dan, you were too hard on the so-called CPOS. Believe it or not, there are plenty of het guys who can love one woman with all their heart, all their souls, all their wallets and all their unpaid-bodyguard-lackey-and-factotum masculinity, and still enjoy the odd side order of sweet rumpty. Just sayin’.
The Good Girl? Yeah, right. Until you started having sex. Maybe right up to the 8th grade. Good girls don’t make fuck-buddies out of other women’s men.
Re: OOMOW –
Speaking as the piece-of-ass-on-the-side for a married man that likes to get his kink on with me because wifey is uber-vanilla…
I know it’s morally wrong to be fucking around with a married man. However, when said married man didn’t tell me up front when we started hooking up that he was engaged, any guilt I might have had about the situation went right out the window. Sure, once I found out, I could have said no dice, but the sex is good and I know he’s getting his freak on elsewhere besides my bedroom too. I’ve not been the dishonest one in the situation, thus I see myself as one of the lesser of all involved evils. She’ll either wise up to what he’s doing or she won’t – I sure as shit won’t be getting involved enough to tip her off, as it’s ultimately between them, IMO.
Until then, as morally wrong as it might be, I’ll continue to enjoy my infrequently hot and kinky sexings. :3
…and enough with the offers of editing. “I’m an editor and I found a typo!” Jesus. These guys do a bitchin job getting this column to us early every Tuesday night. Step off, for crissakes.
OOMW is not a “Good girl”, she’s just an “Easy girl”. But that’s ok, as long as she accepts it. Mingling into other peoples relationships is not ok, however, unless the parts are aware of it: that’s the difference between cheating and not cheating. So, if she’s been acting as one of the cheating instruments of Mr. CPOS, why so suddenly is she interested into saving the other girl from a failed marriage? If she hasn’t been capable of confronting her about this during all these years, it is not her business anymore. OOMOW is not part of the solution, she’s part of the problem. If she wants to come out to the cheated victim because she wants to clean her own act and be a real good girl from now on, go ahead, do it. If not, she should remain from disclosing that information to her so-called-friend. She’ll soon learn the truth herself and perhaps she’ll be the one teaching a lesson to Mr. CPOS, who seems to need a really good one, BTW. My marriage ended (partly) because my ex was cheating on me with a CPOS and I was tented to tell his wife. However, I restrained myself from doing it because it stopped being my business once I decided to part my way. It would have been revenge, unsweetened and dirty revenge. In the end, I know CPOS’ wife has known all along, only she doesn’t love herself enough to get out of there. She’s the typical CPOS-addict-victim and doesn’t know any better. Who am I to bring more misery to her life? She would end up hating me and still remain in her marriage, you bet.
Both of you, Dan. Both of you. Try that again: both of you. Not “the both of you.”
@59, 61
You girls are WEIRD for being ashamed of this. Seriously, what’s the big deal? Gay porn for straight girls seems like the most normal thing in the world. Two dicks are better than one. Duh. What, society is down with accepting two girls making out(guys have no shame about admitting this), but two guys doing the same is *gasp* taboo??
Seems to me it all stems from societal homophobia against gay men. Don’t fucking buy into that shit. All my boyfriends know about my passion for the GP and accept that my hard drive will be permanently stacked with seancody.com. They either get with the program or they’re gone.
Thank God OOMOW’s ex and his girlfriend are getting married. Now they can be some of those great straight married role models that Loveschild is always talking about.
@72: Agreed. It’s like the old, old cliche of straight men getting hot over lesbian porn — kind of makes sense that straight women would feel the same about gay porn.
@59: Yeah, it’s not really a “kink.” It’s like a straight guy describing his love of girl-girl kisses or his secret FFM threesome fantasy as “kinky.” Check out the internet — we’ve got everyone from twelve-year-old girls (I’ve met ’em) and soccer moms writing out super-gay fantasies, often for years.
(Technically, I know you’re perfectly correct … but every day we’re redefining “kinky” means.)
Wow, I loved hearing Dan give it to OOMOW with both barrels. “Even though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago.” And she expected fidelity from this guy?!?!? Shame on her! I have met people who married the person who was cheating on their spouse during their “courtship” (affair). When they married the cheater, and were subsequently cheated on, I haven’t had an outpouring of sympathy. How can you ever trust someone like that? I’m a non-monogamist, which is why exclusivity (“forsake all others”) was left out of our marriage vows! Don’t try to get a tiger to change it’s stripes – accept it for what it is!
Thank you very much for the heads-up on the Playgirl website, Dan! I had indeed been unaware of its existence! I just wish that “sexy” wasn’t ONLY defined as “between 18 and 28, with no body hair”. If I see evidence of some variety, I’ll join the site. And if anyone has recommendations for where to find pictures of hot dudes… I’m all ears!
I think The Good Girl is conflicted about her emotions, for sure, but I don’t believe she is as self-serving as Dan is making her out to be. She tested new waters in an unfamiliar, entirely off-limits pool (cliche, I know), and now she’s trying to apply her normal “good girl” ethics to the situation. If I were her, there’s no way I’d confront the bride-to-be. Just walk away—fast—and never look back. If the guy ever contacts her again, she should tell him what she wrote to Dan, and never talk to him again.
I’m not sure OOMOW is a reliable commentator about CPOS’s behavior. It could be that in fact he is an HND who has been upfront with his fiance who was okay with him sleeping around. It could be that he decided to break up with OOMOW because despite his honesty about what he wanted their relationship to be (FWB), she was becoming increasingly possessive. It could be that OOMOW just had fantasies about making him her own and mentally twisted his honesty into her own dishonest fantasy future relationship. Unless there is more to her letter than got published, I don’t think anybody really knows whether he is a CPOS or HND. It could be she goes to talk to the fiance and basically gets told “Yeah, so what?”
Just a shot in the dark:
Sorry, ‘good girls’ would write this sort of ‘pay attention to me’ letter. Good girls do not get themselves in this situation to begin with; if by accident they did, they would move on, embarrassed and ashamed. No doubt having some previous relationship issues, this girl’s delusional fantasies of ‘homewrecking’ the upcoming nuptials seem to point to the fact that she sees herself and CPOS ultimately winding up as a viable couple – too bad there’s still one last obstacle in the way (but she’s easy enough to get rid of, right?).
Unfortunately, OOMOW doesn’t realize that if this was the case, CPOS wouldn’t have put her in the back seat to begin with. She doesn’t explain the context of their romances either – drunk? Was she overly forceful? Why can’t she find her own man, and instead relies on preying on other happily involved men? Sorry, I’m not buying this guise of ‘goodness’ – in essence she is no better than he, if not worse, because he realized it was a flash in the pan, and has most likely reformed his ways (maybe their previous relationship recently got much more serious), whereas her pettiness remains. Sorry, this is not Hollywood – bursting in on the wedding and screaming infidelity will not get you the man, it will get you branded as the crazy, delusional homewrecker that you are. The excuse of “not wanting her to get hurt” is ridiculous. If this were true, you wouldn’t have cheated with him in the first place.
TLDR: Go find yourself another CPOS; there’s lots available. Let this one move on and drop your holier than thou attitude – it’s sickening.
Wow, this week it’s all about me, isn’t it? I’m an editor (will refrain), I am cheating and I love gay porn. My FWB isn’t married but practically lives with his girlfriend of five years. I’ve never met her, never will, and have no interest in her ever finding out about me. I’ve been sleeping with her boyfriend for thirteen years (except for four years when I was married). We are good friends and I don’t care what he does when he’s not with me. One reason he won’t marry her (she wants to) is he knows he will cheat. He loves her to death but she’s not a big fan of sex.
And then the porn. Another reason I prefer it to heterosexual porn is that it’s often (not always) more consensual-seeming. Hetero porn always comes across like the woman is being used. And yes, fake. Women coming when the guy hasn’t done anything except plunge away.
Am I ashamed of likeing gay porn? Not. I showed some of my stuff to FWB above one evening, and he started getting hard and told me not to tell anyone (laughing at himself). If you show your BFs/husbands “bi” MMF threesomes, they can always claim they’re looking at the girl ; )
Fantastic advice for the “good girl.” She needs to tell the chick herself, and count herself lucky to be away from the POS.
SOMEONE needs to tell the clueless (maybe) fiance about the CPOS so she can be tested for STDs. Duh.
Amen on the Star Trek episode reference, #14.
I get chills every time he dresses down Ensign Crusher. It’s a high point of the series. (Plus it sets up the final disposition of Westley later in the series when he “defects”….
Dan, do you remember, years back, you had a friend writing an article about women [straight, gay, etc] who watched and enjoyed gay porn? I remember, because I contributed to the survey, but never heard about it again [and I’ve deleted that email account, alas]. What happened to it?
this column is good because it’s in stark contrast with the illusions on tv.
@82 I know, right!? Whenever I read one of these letters I try to put myself in the position of ALL the people involved and ask myself, “What do I want/need/feel/fear etc?” If I were the fiancee I would DEFINITELY DEFINITELY DEFINITELY want to know if my future husband was a shitheel who was going to eventually infect me with HPV or HIV or herpes or even just NGU.
The health and emotional well-being of the innocent bystander is the primary priority in a situation like this. I can’t believe people would just let this poor woman walk right into a bad scene without giving her the benefit of making an INFORMED decision. If the fiancee knows, decides to forgive, and THEN gets a disease – well – then it’s HER responsibility.
I’m really confused about the first letter. How can a “friend with benefits” be unfaithful to you, when he’s already cheating on you. Did you have a “monogamous friend with benefits, except that relationship that I have” contract?
What the fuck does that even mean?
OMG, wouldn’t it be awesome if Levi Johnson realized he was really gay? Not simply because of the “political implications,” but because it would totally make me feel better about finding him cute! As a 30-ish, urban, Ivy-educated, fiscal-conservative, East Coast progressive–my womb is horrified by my growing attraction to pretty-boy, self-described redneck-types. If I can sustain the fantasy of them fucking each other, instead of me, I might make it over my sexual peak without any accidents;).
oomows a dingbat skank.
“and someone really ought to clue her in before the wedding.”
I witnessed a similar situation with a male friend who proposed to his LT g/friend, she said she’d go away to family to weekend to think it over. he calls up old flame/part time lover, and has a weekend sex-athon with her. LT comes back says “Yes”.
we all thought we should alert his new fiancée to his behavior but keep it zipped. AND… they have now been happily married for 24 years with 2 children, and still very much together.
leave things alone. not your business.
@88- He’d have to be on the bottom though- homophobic pretty-boy rednecks make the hottest bottoms;)
The certainty is that OOMOW needs to get out and sever all ties forever, but whether she outs CPOS is something she nees to decide for herself. I’ve done it both ways, and it’s definitely depended on the exact situation for me.
It’s easy to justify outing the CPOS if you don’t stay in a relationship with him, especially if you out yourself to the fiancee to make it a little more likely to remain permanent (of course, changing addresses, phone numbers, and emails will also be best).
But men like this tend to be very charming and convincing and have an amazing ability to keep sucking women back in to their manipulative psychodramas, so it probably wouldn’t end his current engagement anyway. Plus they have some weird compulsion to keep the drama rolling, almost like they’re trying to inflict as much pain as possible and then try to use their charms draw the hurt-ees back in. When the worst CPOS I’ve ever known finally decided to get engaged to “the woman of his dreams”, he invited to his very next party every single woman he’d slept with during the 4 months of his current relationship, as well as his most recent ex before that, who he’d scarred very badly. I made sure not to arrive before she left, and we all ruined his day by NOT making any scenes while she was there. After she left the party we bashed him around the chiminea, and I still remember the creepy look of satisfaction on his face while we did it, as if our hatred and abuse were the only ay he could feel loved.
So the only real downside to outing him is that it will probably feed some weird need he probably has to feel like crap, to treat people like crap, and them charm them back.
My mouth dropped when OOMOW said she wanted to tell the fiance about her CPOS. What a colossal disaster of a “good girl” wannabe! I thought I’d heard every kind of self-delusional send up in my 62 years, but that made me hit the floor. Girl, if you’re reading this – leave everyone the f–k alone, and do a little introspective self-examination. You are seriously, seriously f–ked up – much more so than the cheating man, in my opinion – though he’s obviously no angel. Get help!
RE: Twunks…
I don’t have any suggestions on a word for gay-objectification of physical types.
BUT!
I think the term “Fluffer Nutter” is a phrase that is just *dying* for a gay-slang definition.
So Savage Love readers, just what _is_ a “Fluffer Nutter”? A kind of sex act? A physical type? Something more???
The responsibility for cheating lies with the cheaters. They are only ones who can control their actions. No one needs to carry the responsibility for the cheater’s significant others’ feelings, nor the responsibility to protect those feelings should they maybe be hurt because of the cheating… Maybe if it was a matter of life and death, but over fidelity? Give me a break. There’s way too much to worry about in this world. Maybe that’s a cop out, but for all I know the CPOS’s fiance met him while he was with someone else. Who the hell knows, who the hell cares? Even though I tend to be monogamous, people make way to big a deal over getting a little side action.
*another hetero gal who loves loves loves the M/M!!!*
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe a Twunk isn’t an older Twink. It could be a Twink who is also a bit of a hunk.
OOMOW, do what I did: say nothing and sever all ties immediately. You owe it to yourself, to the fiance, and also to the CPOS. If she ever found out (through you or someone else) you would in all likelihood be persona non grata with them, as well as any friends you share. I cheated with a friend’s wife for a year before I realized she would never leave her husband. I ended it, then ceased communicating with her. I won’t lie and tell you I got over her right away. I had to cut off most of our friends to ensure I didn’t blurt out my story one night in a fit of jealous douche-baggery. Yeah, it sucked losing all those friends (which I would’ve lost anyway if they found out), but thermodynamics teaches us you can never get something for nothing. So cut them loose and leave them to heaven. The sooner you have this situation and these people in your rearview mirror, the sooner you’ll heal.
OOMOW, do what I did: say nothing and sever all ties immediately. You owe it to yourself, to the fiance, and also to the CPOS. If she ever found out (through you or someone else) you would in all likelihood be persona non grata with them, as well as any friends you share. I cheated with a friend’s wife for a year before I realized she would never leave her husband. I ended it, then ceased communicating with her. I won’t lie and tell you I got over her right away. I had to cut off most of our friends to ensure I didn’t blurt out my story one night in a fit of jealous douche-baggery. Yeah, it sucked losing all those friends (which I would’ve lost anyway if they found out), but thermodynamics teaches us you can never get something for nothing. So cut them loose and leave them to heaven. The sooner you have this situation and these people in your rearview mirror, the sooner you’ll heal.
OOMOW, do what I did: say nothing and sever all ties immediately. You owe it to yourself, to the fiance, and also to the CPOS. If she ever found out (through you or someone else) you would in all likelihood be persona non grata with them, as well as any friends you share. I cheated with a friend’s wife for a year before I realized she would never leave her husband. I ended it, then ceased communicating with her. I won’t lie and tell you I got over her right away. I had to cut off most of our friends to ensure I didn’t blurt out my story one night in a fit of jealous douche-baggery. Yeah, it sucked losing all those friends (which I would’ve lost anyway if they found out), but thermodynamics teaches us you can never get something for nothing. So cut them loose and leave them to heaven. The sooner you have this situation and these people in your rearview mirror, the sooner you’ll heal.