Hey, everybody: Now you can buy your own Savage Love T-shirt. Go to thestranger.com/savagemerch.
I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for a few years—we were engaged—and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily” to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up reasons.
So I went into her e-mail to find out WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.
Can’t Think
Of Anything Clever
You are a huge pussy, CTOAC—excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball sack.
Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you’re crawling to her, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you? There’s no reason for her to do that—there’s no upside for her. So long as you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy—excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack—she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.
I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man—as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside them?
No Cocks
Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC, it’s your husband, not you.
I was seeing a girl every other week for about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now.
Emotionally, she has not been dealing with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies. I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant, but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand, it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my responsibility is for that.
What Do I Do?
P.S. I’ve been reading your column for years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank you.
It saddens me when someone with such a colossally defective bullshit detector signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.” Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect.
Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this all up in an effort—successful thus far—to retain your attention, if not your affections?
Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told.
In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex could have gotten pregnant. Even so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.
I’m a straight girl who started dating this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I was curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand why.
Confused And Curious
When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because, hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the boyfriend.
Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressed ass is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, go back to non-dressed-up sex.
So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?
Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle
Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Great advice to WDID. My BS detector went off in the third sentence, but I am a heartless woman, not a sensitive guy.
Alright, I’ll ask first: vajazzling?
Awww, I thought the advice to CTOAC was a cop-out…
It sounds to me like she is (irrationally) waaaay emotionally dependent on this guy. He needs to break it off HARD to give her a chance at finding her own brand of happiness.
I think your answer to No Cocks was lazy. I’d ask what the difference is between how she’s being pleasured by a dildo versus a cock. Maybe the guy is 300 pounds and breaking her back each time he is on top.
@2: http://www.spookmag.com/wp-content/uploa… (NSFW!!)
@ 2 – Beaddazzler, but for one’s girlie parts. 😉
Dan, thanks ever so much for reminding us you think pussy is gross. OTOH, that was a pretty cosmically stupid thing to ask you. & on a third hand, I wouldn’t know it was your column if there wasn’t something anti-bi, anti-fat or anti-pussy. Though then your insistence returns that straight guys go down on their women, & I just can’t seem to stop reading…
“Revolting”.
Ah well, in a few days you’ll stick up for some lonely gay kid & I’ll forget all about this. ’til the inevitable next time.
There’s a vajazzling.com for the truly curious.
You’re welcome.
@2 Have you heard of Google?
Yeah, that pregnancy and miscarriage smelled like BS the second I read it. For fucksakes, what a psychic vampire.
@What Do I Do?: Of course she could have gotten pregnant (and, let’s face it, ‘with condoms’ can mean everything from start to finish every time and slip it on midway through sex, so the rate’s higher than 2%). And had a miscarriage. But unless she’d been missing periods for months – in which case she probably would have brought it up while they were still in a relationship – it was pretty early on. Approx. 50% of pregnancies end in abortion, and much of the time they’re too early to be detected. So, pardon me here, but it’s not like she was in a loving relationship and trying for a kid – she dodged a bullet.
This woman clearly has problems. Doesn’t mean she’s lying, but Dan is right. She needs the therapy, but he doesn’t need to pay for it. If anything, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.
Eva Hopkins: I am always astounded at the number of people who complain when Dan Savage, a gay man, says he hates pussy and finds it disgusting, WHEN PEOPLE DIRECTLY ASK HIM HIS OPINIONS ON PUSSY. Do you really consider it akin to being anti-bi or anti-fat? Sheesh. I am a 99% gay woman and I find cock pretty yucky. I clicked on that “dirty mirror” slog post of Dan’s a few days ago and felt like wretching at the floppy, saggy, over-obvious thing. There are few things I can think of more disgusting than the mental image of a ball sack. Am I a man hater now?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought WDID’s f-buddy was lying, good bs meter Dan!
Sadly, years ago I went through something similar. I respond well to guilt (ahh Catholicsm!) so every time she (my ex) reached out, I responded b/c well I didn’t want to “be the bad guy”. It got to ludicrous levels of intrusion, and it took me a while to finally say….and I’m done. Completely.
Take the advice and run WDID, run!
some people will do anything to keep someone they say they love in the picture. how many times is a child brought into the world just to keep a relationship. people should need a license and a psych evaluation to have kids. also i went out with a girl years ago that would not have vaginal sex oral anal ok her reason was that she had been raped and it freaked her out.
Let’s review, CTOAC:
SHE: cheated on you; lied to you; broke up with you on false pretenses. YOU: caught her in the act on all of the above. SHE: hates your guts for having the temerity to catch her in the act.
Don’t ask for her forgiveness. You did nothing wrong here. What were you supposed to do, just accept that your relationship of several years’ standing — not to mention your engagement — just mysteriously evaporated, and just walk away without so much as a backward glance? No, you knew something didn’t smell right, so you did some digging and found out her lies. And somehow, that makes you the bad guy?! You are yet another example of being brainwashed by all the idiots who insist that someone’s right to privacy is so absolute and inviolate as to constitute license to hide any and all wrongdoing.
She is pissed at you because she thought she was going to get away with her lies, and you exposed her. Now she is deflecting attention from her own wrongdoings by making you the bad guy. Don’t fall for that bullshit. The villain here is her — not you. She is a sociopath, and you only just figured it out. (Hey, it happens. The hallmark of the sociopath is a talent for manipulating people.) Now that you actually KNOW, now is the time to walk away. Forget the whole forgiveness thing. The only closure you need is to count yourself well rid of her.
When did avast2006 get his/her own column? Amazing how the “chosen” believe the comments section is the place to advocate for one’s own byline. But, at least you have a solid grasp of basic html tags. BOLD Oh, and Dan, keep up the good work. Looking forward to hearing how The Kid goes over on Broadway.
Re WDID,
Here is your timeline, near as I can tell from your letter: 2 months ago: you two break up. 5 weeks later: she “discovers” she is pregnant (i.e., just long enough to definitely say she has missed a period) and miscarries shortly thereafter. 3 weeks after that: she calls you trying to guilt you into continuing to be involved with her in some fashion.
My guess, based on the rather conspicuous timing, is that if the pregnancy was real, it was a last-ditch attempt to keep you from breaking up — or rather, an attempt to get you back when you found out she was pregnant and there was going to be a baby that needed you. Then when the plan fell through (though for all we know, it might just have been a heavy period combined with wishful thinking) that was two hopes dashed in one shot.
At this point, it doesn’t matter if the pregnancy was real or not. Dan’s summary of your obligations to her are spot on. Since she won’t let go, it is time to make a hard break with her.
God Dan,
Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.
The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.
It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.
And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.
God Dan,
Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.
The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.
It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.
And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.
Wow. Out of all four letters, the only guy who’s NOT a pussy is the one who wears his girlfriend’s underwear.
@ yourmom.com – Dan’s advice to CTOAC wasn’t a cop-out, he’s pretty consistent on kinky sex questions – usually “do whatever works” switch it up if it doesn’t. Too dependent on the guy? That makes no sense. What would you have him say? Break up with the guy because you’re enjoying dressed-up sex too much?
Anyway, like 99% of the time. Agree with everything Dan says, great issue! Serious I had 3 “laugh out loud” moments. You’re frick’n AWWWWWESOME Dan
IF ‘vajazzling’ were an actual *trend,* my reaction would be BLARGH. but considering that site was an endless loop of ads and not content, I’m convinced it’s just something that some advertising douche is trying to sell to some dumbass bitches that think their vagina can’t possibly be attractive just the way it is.
which also makes me want to BLARGH.
WDID: Yes, she is manipulating you; She needs real therapy, which apparently isn’t helping much now. You need to run fast and far away.
CTOAC: Forgive yourself and forget her. You can write a letter and burn it, so you get it out of your system. Then, move on to the next subject and never think about that stupid woman anymore.
NC: As long as your partner wants what you want, all it’s OK. I’m sure there are those men out there, although scarce, I guess. Maybe you can reach an agreement: one regular fuck and then a series of no-cock fucks ’til the next time. There are so many ways to be pleased. Who knows? Maybe there’s someone who can love you enoguh and is willing to sacrifice his penis-in-vagina sex in exchaneg for great BJs. Actually, now that I tihnk better, you bet there are many more men willing to do just that, especially after some time of living together. Uff, millions!
CAC: So what if you both get fixated in one kind of sex if it pleases you? Eventually you both will grow out into something else and revisit this obsession from time to time later on your life. If the relationship lasts, you bet there will be other fantasies to act upon. Give yourselves some time.
Finally: I suspected it but didn’t know how HOTT Katy Griffin is. Vajazzlin… weeeell… is just a little shiny temporary tatoo. I’d be more creative with the designs, though. It makes a cute present but is not particularly arousing to me.
To “Confused and Curious”, the woman who dates a cross dresser and enjoys having sex with him while “dressed”: you and your boyfriend are extremely lucky to find each other. You should be proud of yourself for being such an open minded GGG kinda gal. And at least in your case, it seems to pay dividends as well!
According to different studies done over the years, it is estimated that 5% to 15% of straight men enjoy cross dressing to some degree or another, and most of them find it very sexually stimulating. In other words, women who end up with a cross dresser are likely to benefit from letting their men “dress up” while having sex.
Not to mention that women who let their man dress up have a huge leverage to ask him to do something, actually MANY THINGS, for them in return. And chances are good that most of your wishes will indeed come true!!!
It takes time and trust, there’s a lot of stigma involved, and many cross dressers are ashamed and secretive about their habits to begin with. But as you and your boyfriend prove it can be fun and sexy for all involved.
Best to you and all other couples who incorporate cross dressing in their lives!
Yes, I’m one of those 5% to 15%, and you may have seen me around town as I’m not secretive nor ashamed anymore. I treat you all with respect and hope the same is coming my way. Thanks for reading this.
CTOAC – She didn’t do anything “wrong” either – she was simply exploring her options, and the option she opted for is the option where she opts out of YOU. Just move on.
Brilliant all around. I have to say, though, I was surprised at how brief your response was to NC. I kind of wish she had called the podcast instead, so that you would’ve allowed yourself to rattle on a bit in response.
I had a friend that got married based on the fact a GF told him she was pregnant. A month after the marraige, she had a miscarriage and they soon divorced.
My first reaction to hearing the story was of course to ask: How do you know she WAS pregnant, and how did you know she miscarried? Of course the idiot said she told him…
I think that was the beginning of the end of the friendship when he saw I looked at him the same way I would look at a mongoloid child
Not sure why they’re quickies this week, Dan, but for quickies they’re not bad.
I thought I was going to groan when you started on pussies are powerful again. But replacing scrotum with ball sack–and transitioning from ball sack to sacky? That was just inspired.
White text on a black shirt is not good enough! The column is illustrated with those great Joe Newton drawings and The Stranger has plenty of willing graphic artists around. I demand colourful tees (and overseas shipping).
@12/RoseX: I *did* immediately qualify my statement by adding that it was a pretty stupid question, to ask Dan what he thought of vajazzling. 😉
No, yer not a man-hater. & Dan is on average usually more pro-pussy (in terms of partners of ppl w/ pussies being nice to them) than anti. Just hit me the wrong way last night. “Revolting” is right up there w/ canned ham.
I notice there’s no male equiv – dick-dazzling, or whatever you’d call it. Hopefully all the vajazzlers out there are taking ’em off before playtime, too. Those wee jewels could go bad places.
I’ve got a possible theory on why CAC is losing interest in her boyfriend when he’s not dressed up. Basically, her enjoyment of fucking him like that is based less on the outfit and more on the fact that he’s getting off on it. Which isn’t a bad thing, really. It’s a subtle distinction, like the difference between ‘fear of heights’ and ‘fear of falling.’
Hey, no hate for Dan being revolted by pussy in the SAME COLUMN where he came down on the side of pussy power. He appreciates it, he just doesn’t eat it. Sounds good to me. I feel that way about broccoli and kimchi.
Great article today Dan!
@29, I agree. The shirts are lame. Is that the best they can come up with? Why not have some Joe Newton art with a list of Savage Love acronyms? Is there no creative soul at the stranger they can employ to make the Savage tees purchase-worthy?
@30: “Pidazzling”
Simply shave the treasure trail and pubic hair. Then apply rhinestones to form a downward-pointing arrow.
Sparkles in clubs when light hits the patch.
Isn’t it also possible that WDID’s girl cheated on him or was sleeping around with other men while with him and that’s how she got pregnant? It sounds like it was a pretty casual relationship and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she did get pregnant — but that it wasn’t his. Btw, good for him for always using protection!
God Dan,
Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.
The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.
It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.
And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.
I know a ton of guys who would dazzle their bits and pieces in a heartbeat.
Chacun a son gout, as the French say, although it seems totally ridiculous and absurd to me. All one need ever aspire to is clean (as in hygienic, not necessary bare) and tidy (if bare, no stubble or if hairy, trimmed).
Then again, I also know a guy with a fetish for ultra-hairy… (and yes, he’s one of the same guys who would dazzle his bits and pieces given half a chance.) I know him – I didn’t say it was in the carnal sense!
Good god.
@30: Oh man. I LOVE springing the “canned ham” remark on my boyfriend. He hates it; it’s so fun.
I like seeing it humourously, because frankly, I don’t find my genitals that interesting. I’m down with my boyfriend appreciating them, but as a straight woman, I’m almost as baffled by their allure as many gay men are.
ballsack is a much better euphemistic label for someone acting like that than a pussy…
thanks again for contributing to the vernacular, dan
Re: the planned parenthood stat. The 2% pregnancy rate cited for condoms is over the course of an entire year. Couple in question only dated for four months, so their supposed pregnancy rate would be lower – probably about two thirds of a percentage point.
Those t-shirts are hideous, Dan – I wanted to want to buy one when I clicked on the link, but no way! Who “designed” those?!
How about putting a handful of those little cartoons (like the one above) on the fronts of t-shirts with the SL link (in small print, please!) on the back? Or at least coming up with a design that your listeners will actually want to wear.
CTOAC – don’t forget two important steps to recovery: Deleter her phone number from your phone and her email address from your contacts. If you want, write them down, put them in a ziploc and freeze em in a tupperware of ice (so if you ever do want them you at least have to wait for the ice to melt – also works well with credit cards).
Cause it sounds like if someone put about 5 shots of tequila in you you would be drunk dialing and drunk emailing and crying. Protect yourself from yourself.
You know, the scrotum itself is actually pretty tough. It’s the cargo inside that’s all tender and sensitive.
So don’t dump on the sack any more, Dan. The balls are the weak ones.
Dan, this is the most deleted comments I have seen in years. Which letter provoked all that? As far as bedazzling, I like it a lot more than tattooing. The little swarovskies can be painful, but you can take them off and let the hair grow back. A tattoo on your tender parts 1) hurts like hell, I’m told and 2) can’t be used until it is healed 3)requires constant shaving to be fully appreciated and 4) is permanent …and all I can think of is what it’ll look like after 40 years of stretching and bending, and even weight gain…BLECCH!
Some women are just plain desperate to keep man’s attention. I had a girl try to pull “I got pregnant and had an abortion several months ago and didn’t tell you, but now you owe me”. She told me this shortly after I explained to her that I was dating someone else and wasn’t interested (this happened months after we stopped having sex). I didn’t believe her, but even if it was true.. I guess I knew my sperm was OK, but it’s not like I owe her anything. No baby? No proof? Bye Bye.
I don’t buy T-shirts with slogans on them, so I’m a hard sell.
But I remember having been seriously tempted, once, to buy an awesome T-shirt. I was hoping to be similarly tempted by the new SL T-shirts. The slogans have potential, but I’d be surprised if they can carry the day on their own.
Have to agree with all the other t-shirt haters. I wouldn’t mind advertising Savage Love on a t-shirt, but holy shit, those are ugly shirts. For starters, you might want to get a girl-fit shirt for the women- a slightly fitted shirt with cap sleeves looks good on most women. Next, the graphics- I’m sure there are at least a half a million art students out there who would be more than willing to do the graphics for free if you give them a plug (or even a link) on your site. Ok and finally, can you do at least one or two other colors- Maybe grey and one other color as well? You will sell more if they look good! Thanks.
Yeah, I also find it offensive when gay men talk about how gross — or in this case, “revolting” — they find vagina. When people call them gross, they cry homophobe. The thing is, a lot of WOMEN feel ashamed or grossed out by how their own vaginas look, for no other reason than a lot of negative reinforcement. A vagina is a part of the human body possessed by over half the global population, and the human body isn’t anything to be revolted by. I just think it’s a really juvenile attitude to take, whether you’re gay or straight.
I would only be offended that Dan called my ladyparts “revolting” if I’d offered them to him (imagining his face, as I lifted my skirt like can can girl, makes me giggle. Is there a fetish for straight girls grossing out gay boys?).
That a gay man, even one who gives stellar sex advice to all kindsa folks, would be asked his opinion about fancy-fying ladyparts is hilarious… and he took the opportunity to make a joke. Which I, as a proud owner of ladyparts, thought was funny.
Now all you fucking whiners need to shut the fuck up and quit telling people what they should and shouldn’t say. No wonder people think feminists are humorless. Sweet Jebus.
The crossdressing letter really made me laugh. “Oh noes! My boyfriend has a fetish and it gets me hot too!” Funny how some people will try to make a problem out of anything. Let things go wrong before you start to worry – life’s too short for inventing problems that *might* happen down the road.
Why did my comment get deleted? I’ll post it again:
I also find it offensive when gay men talk about how gross — or in this case, “revolting” — they find vaginas. When anyone calls gay peopme gross they call homophobe. The thing is, a lot of WOMEN feel grossed out and ashamed of how their vaginas look for no other reason than a lot of negative reinforcement. A vagina is part of the human body that over half the population of the world possesses, and the human body is nothing to be grossed out or revolted by. I just think it’s a really juvenile attitude to take whether you’re gay or straight.