A few nights ago, I got drunk and knocked on my roommate’s door and confessed my attraction to him while he was lying in bed in nothing more than his skivvies. And then I asked him if I could sleep in his room because our other roommate—whose bedroom is directly above mine—was having sex so loudly that I couldn’t sleep. Which was true, but it clearly didn’t make the bed of the roommate I was drunkenly confessing to the appropriate alternative. Not being able to sleep on work nights is sometimes a real problem, but one to be addressed with her, not used as drunken fodder to get into someone else’s bed.
I feel pathetic and embarrassed for having thrown myself at my roommate and completely freaked out that I got wasted enough to do something I have daydreamed about but wouldn’t do sober. But much more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent, trashed my roommate’s boundaries, and was generally creepy—all characteristics of sexual assaulters.
I am biologically female, and if the situation were reversed, I would commit a huge double standard because I would back any woman who did not feel safe continuing to live with a dude who did what I did. I feel like I should be held accountable and move out immediately, though my housemate has told me he doesn’t feel threatened and that I should stay.
Help. I feel like a total piece of shit for having done this and can’t stop wondering…
Am I A Sexual Predator?
Calm the fuck down—and no more women’s studies classes for you, okay? I think you’ve had quite enough, and I’m cutting you off.
Look, AIASP, you didn’t assault anyone, you’re not a predator, you shouldn’t have to move out. You made a drunken, ill-advised-in-retrospect pass at a roommate. If that makes someone a “sexual predator,” AIASP, then we’d better build walls around our better universities and start calling ’em all penitentiaries.
As for that double standard: In light of your recent experience—you made a drunken pass at someone who wasn’t interested in you—you might want to revisit the assumptions you’ve made about men who make passes, drunken and otherwise, at women who aren’t interested in them. Making a pass is not grounds for eviction or conviction. It’s how a person makes a pass (did you pounce or did you ask?) and how a person reacts if the pass is rebuffed (did you graciously take no for an answer or were you a complete asshole about it?) that matters.
Of course, men’s passes at women—roommates and otherwise—exist in a context of male sexual violence. So it’s understandable that a woman might feel uncomfortable living with a dude who did what you did. But if the dude wasn’t a creep about it and graciously took no for an answer (if the answer was no), perhaps he should be judged as an individual and not as someone who bears responsibility for the collective crimes committed by members of his sex throughout history.
And even if you were an asshole about that no, AIASP, that still wouldn’t make you a sexual predator. You’re only a sexual predator—or guilty of sexual assault—if you refuse to take no for an answer and force yourself on someone. (Or if you go after someone who is incapable of granting consent.) You didn’t force yourself on anyone. All you’re guilty of, AIASP, is asking someone whom you wanted to fuck if he wanted to fuck you. It’s a legit question, and no one gets fucked without asking it.
And that simple question doesn’t magically become sexual assault or harassment when the answer is no.
My mistress wants to deny me the pleasure of regular food. We want to create a “slop” that I can eat four to five times daily that is highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible. Any ideas? Can you consult a nutritionist?
Seeking Slave Food
Are there any vegan restaurants in your area?
I’m a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I inhaled the scent while pleasuring myself, and now I can’t perform without it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.
What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and “accidentally” spilling syrup on them? I don’t think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice?
Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady
Look, ORGASM, the human brain is an inscrutable bag of slop, and you aren’t the only person out there whose brain saddled him with a seemingly random sexual fetish. But you shouldn’t view your fetish—assuming you’re not making this up—as “incapacitating.” You could be into things that were much worse and/or more complicated and/or literally impossible to realize. Nor should you blame yourself for your growing reliance on your kink. As we age (men particularly), we tend to lean more on those things—fantasies, fetishes, scenarios—that help us get there and get off.
Stop viewing your fetish as some sort of freakish ailment that disqualifies you from love and affection, ORGASM, and start viewing it for what it is: an endearing quirk and not too much to ask from a long-term partner. People in love and people in long-term relationships—two distinct groups with some significant overlap—like to say things like “I would walk through fire for him” or “I would take a bullet for her.” Well, all you’re asking is for a tiny bit of maple syrup dabbed behind the ears before sex. It’s not fire, it’s not a bullet, and it’s not too much to ask.
I am a heterosexual guy, married. My wife and I have lately been getting really interested in watching porn videos on my iPhone. I’m having a problem, however, finding sites with fresh, free stuff that will actually play streaming on the iPhone. Do you, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, or any of your readers have any site recommendations? The more the merrier!
Sent From The Savage Love App
For iPhone
I was under the impression—heard it from Steve Jobs himself—that the iPhone was designed to protect our wives from porn. And while I’m always coming to the defense of porn, I’m not a big consumer myself. (I only use my iPhone to make calls and play cribbage.) So I’m not aware of any iPhone-friendly straight-porn sites, SFTSLAFI. Readers? Any tips?
And speaking of porn: Sometimes it’s not enough to come to the defense of porn. Sometimes you have to sit down and make some porn yourself. And sometimes your homemade porn can win you large cash prizes. Info and details at www.humpseattle.com.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@ SSF
If your mistress wants your food to taste bland, then have her preach to you constantly about how good it is for you, the planet, blah blah blah. Works like a charm.
(And thanks Dan, for the one-liner. I nearly spit out my coffee.)
@26
#99 said it before I did. And as a person who’s friends (well, acquainted) with a lot of cops, I can tell you from experience that their antipathy towards dealing with domestic violence cases has less to do with the myth of the “super-abusive male” and far more to do with the “She hit him first, but he hits harder, so who’s wrong?” quandary. And for every stereotypical wife beater-wearing wife beater, there’s a guy walking the streets who mystifies his friends with his ability to put up with his harridan of a wife. The only difference between the two is the fact that the second example eventually tries to defend himself or “snaps”, the first example doesn’t allow the pressure to build to the level of snapping and lets it go at once.
#98
Some women just have a harder time achieving orgasm. If grinding works, what’s the big deal? I don’t think it’s akin to the death grip for males–when women masturbate, it’s unlikely that they’re simulating this motion.
You make it sound like this is the fault of the woman that needs a little something extra to get to the finish line. Seems to me like a guy who is GGG wouldn’t have a problem with this.
I like a little grinding now and then (and listen to Dan’s recent podcast on the subject) and I find my sex drive to be high and my orgasms intense.
As previously stated, it’s harder to get there for some of us and what we need is a partner who is ready and willing to participate and not judge along the way. Who ever said being GGG means achieving orgasm easily?
Yes, I agree with all the easygoing vegans. Jokes at our expense are a shout-out. I just love to see the word ‘vegan’ in print. And I make great food (though never with boca burgers or any of that ‘fake meat’ stuff which I find slightly less disgusting than processed meat).
@104 — who _doesn’t_ like a little grinding now and then? Well said.
@100: I’m not sure what’s come out recently but back in the day, Alan & Donna Brauer’s book “Extended Sexual Orgasm” helped a lot of people improve the quality and duration of their orgasms. Books about sacred sexuality, tantra, and similar topics also explore these themes. Of course the granddaddy of them all is Wilhelm Reich, who’s written extensively about this stuff; some of the jargon is hard to swallow, but his best work is extremely insightful.
@104: I’m not talking about “a little grinding now and then”, but NEEDING intense friction in order to get off. And actually, a lot of women learn to masturbate in childhood by sitting astride stuffed animals, pillows, etc. and there seems to be some correlation between doing that and, in adulthood, only being able to get off with intense pelvic grinding while on top.
Of course most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm but that’s not what #85 described: “her preferred ‘motion’ (lots of grinding, very little in-and-out) is killing me.” Presumably if a couple well-placed fingers could do the trick, they’d be doing that.
BTW, I didn’t say that the ability to get off easily was part of being GGG; in fact I made a point to make a distinction between the two. Having said that, I’ll admit I find that people who can get off relatively easily are often a lot of fun in bed because it invites variety, whereas people who need everything to be “just right” to reach orgasm are often less fun. YMMV.
As for the question of “fault” or “blame”, that’s not really the issue. Is it a guy’s “fault” if he can only get off by pounding his girlfriend like a jackhammer? No, but it doesn’t make him a particularly appealing lover vs. someone who’s more versatile. It might be hard for him to hear that, but the truth is often difficult. I know that a lot of women struggle with their sexuality and with reaching orgasm, but it’s possible to be supportive of that struggle while also acknowledging that, for their partners, it can be a frustrating and distancing experience.
Of all the things I’ve read in Dan’s column over the years, none has offended or alarmed me as deeply as the writer with a maple syrup fetish. Dan really missed the boat on this one. The LW should get professional help immediately. I’m not joking or exaggerating. My first husband was into maple syrup. and like many wives, I thought it was a harmless fetish. Then one night, I heard a crashing sound in the kitchen, and ran in to find him humping a bottle of Aunt Jemima’s. I was humiliated, and filed for divorce immediately. He got stuck in the bottle, and never did get it off.
@95, what’s so scary about vegetables and fruits? Oh, I’m sure you meant those nasty grains…wheat, corn, rice..guh! Or beans? Who the hell eats beans?
If your plate isn’t meat with a side of meat covered with cheese, you’re probably a terrorist.
Vegans only get pissy because we know a “vegans! Amirite?” line follows with “MEAT! I love being callous!” and “They eat weird shit!” when 1) We eat what should be making up at least 85% of your diet anyway, maybe without the extra fats no one needs, 2) Whether you or I really care about the awnimulz, it’s just poor taste to say you /like/ mistreatment and wasteful killing.
Now eat your fucking veggies >:U
-SUPER UPSET VEGAN IS CRYING ABOUT PITBULLZ.
bland food that satisfies nutritional needs while denying any sensory pleasure? Nutraloaf. Used in prisons as punishment for poor behavior.
http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazi…
As if the International House of Pancakes actually has ever served real maple syrup and not that horrible “maple-flavored” crud that is sold in the grocery store as Log Cabin, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, etc.
Once I was house sitting for a friend and I offered another house guest some weed. Turned out he wasn’t a regular smoker and he propositioned me immediately, in the boldest possible language. Despite my fondness for talking about how sex positive I am, when faced with the situation I was momentarily flummoxed. Then I remembered Miss Manners and thanked him very politely and told him I wasn’t quite up to it. He apologized profusely while I measured the size of his bicep and decided I could take him if I had to. Things went on like normal. Right before bedtime, though, I did tell him, in a friendly sort of way, that if he snuck into my room in the middle of the night I would hit him.
STill ya have to cut folks a little slack if they’re drunk or high, at least the first time. Especially if your history with them is otherwise good – for roommates, that would include being tactful & considerate, and paying rent on the dot.
I don’t know how nutritious it is, but oatmeal without salt is pretty bland.
I find that adding a bit of cheese or butter to a vegan meal can make all the difference.
@66: are you crazy? The Naam is great! My meat-loving friends go there and recommended it. Awesome breakfast.
It’s vegetarian with vegan options, btw. And very popular.
you want to know why vegans react? because their dietary choice is based on ethics and often spirituality. Rarely on health when it comes right down to it, rarely on taste either. You can argue the health benefits of any diet – and you can make fabulous or crappy tasting food on any diet. So of course some vegans are going to be sad to see yet another lame jab made at them; it’s not a cult, it’s not a fad, it’s a choice based on deep emotion. How else could they possibly give up parmesan cheese? So back off; when Dan jabs at lesbians and they shout back people don’t get nearly so mean.
and one more thing; the comment makes me think that Dan hasn’t eaten at a real vegan establishment since the eighties when it was true, the food sucked.
@114 Butter and cheese are not vegan.
What gives food flavor? What makes it taste good? Meat tastes good, cheese tastes good. Vegan food doesn’t have that. What else gives food flavor? Oil, salt, pepper, sugar, garlic, vinegar, oregano, hot sauce, cumin, a million herbs and spices, and guess what? They’re all vegan. Nearly everything that makes our food taste good is from plant sources. So why does vegan food taste bad?
In my experience, when vegan food tastes bad, it’s because non-vegans make it, and don’t plan to eat it themselves (because it’s vegan), so they don’t really care. When vegans make it for themselves, it tastes good. (Go figure.) Somehow when non-vegan people are making vegan food (including restaurant chefs), they know they have to leave out the cheese or whatever, and they think they have to leave out the other flavor too.
For example, say I (vegan) go to your house for dinner and you make two dishes of green beans – one for me and one for everybody else. First: I really appreciate the effort! Honestly, I didn’t even expect that, and it’s nice! But the thing is, the “everybody else” dish has not only bacon bits but slivered almonds and sugar and spices and everything nices – and mine is just plain, steamed beans, with nothing else in it — and then everybody makes fun of how the vegan version tastes bad! Why, when leaving out the bacon, was it necessary to leave out everything else too?
vegan for 15 years.
i have eaten tasty, and not so tasty.
bland menu ideas:
1. plain flavour VEGA brand meal replacement powder mixed with just water. not bad in a blender with ice. (and a banana) for extra bad taste, use luke warm tap water and stir with a spoon
2. a vegetable juice of carrot, celery and maybe ginger. blended with hemp protein.
3. a spoonful of flax oil. udo’s oil is a good one. keep it cold in the fridge it will go bad.
4. some sort of green super food. E3 live is very nutritious, but i’ve grown to like the taste. they ship anywhere and the company is great.
5. plain quinoa. make it like rice, in a rice cooker without salt or oil.
6. plain beans. from a can, and warm, rinse well or else you’ll get the farts. unless that’s what you want. for good beans: buy bulk, rinse, soak, boil, drain and rinse. they’re cheap but more labour than opening a can.
42 already said EXACTLY what I was going to say: [Touchy] vegans deserve to be ridiculed. Anyone, vegan or not, with enough self-importance to be offended by this type of joke is a sanctimounious douchebag who deserves all the ridicule the world can muster.
@117 – The butter and cheese suggestion was a joke that flew right over your head: by adding non-vegan things to vegan meals, you could make vegan meals tastier, but then they would cease to be vegan. The point of the joke, which you missed, was that vegan food isn’t all that tasty unless you add something non-vegan. Vegan people are clearly missing a protein or two that helps them to understand jokes.
It takes 2500 gallons of water to produce one pound of ground beef. As the world continues to run out of fresh water leads one to logically believe that we will all be forced to be Vegan. That is the day that the voluntary Vegans will have the last laugh.
Vegan food: Fine. Vegan restaurants: Not so sure.
Nothing wrong with the pure flavors of vegetables. And the Asian combination of soy sauce, ginger, chili and garlic has whet peoples’ appetites for centuries.
But vegan food pretending to be non-vegan (with concoctions like fake meat and faux cheese) seems dishonest, and is no selling point for veganism. I think it’s the source of most of the negativity towards vegan restaurants and vegans in general. (That, and the fact that they’re so easily offended.)
To put it in Savage Love terms: Vegans eating faux-animal-food is like a closet case asking his girlfriend to dress up like a (male) lumberjack.
I had no idea so many vegans were reading Savage Love.
But many of them seem to be suffering from an irony deficiency.
Nothing a good steak couldn’t cure . . .
SSF should have a look into medical supplies. The stuff they feed you via a stomach tube is designed to sustain one indefinitely, but has no taste at all (why should it, if used properly it doesn’t even get near any taste buds).
I eat vegan dishes on a regular basis. A few of them actually taste ok. (A few).
Just as I always suspected, self-righteous vegans really don’t have sense of humor! good god! dan i love you!!!
#44- “I`ve been a Vagan for 20 years now and found Dan`s comment absolutely hilarius”
Vagan! I guess that’s what straight guys and lesbians are: vag only, please!
You could definitely make a good slop with pudding and Vega powder. But ease yourself into the Vega if you’re not accustomed to a high-fibre diet as it’s very high in fibre (along with being high in everything else; it’s an excellent product). It’s not exactly bland, but without fruit or other flavours added it kinda just tastes like muddy green tea.
Another tip for ORGASM:
I know damn well you know damn well there ain’t nuthin wrong with slurping your own juices, and that the only reason we’re not licking ourselves is that we can’t reach. (Oh, okay, we’re a bit lazy, too — there would be something rather yoga-esque about that, wouldn’t there?)
The main ingredient in curry is fenugreek, an herb that smells like MAPLE SYRUP and is the basis of imitation maple flavor. But here’s the clincher. Fenugreek not only has curative properties, but goes through your system and blows out a yummy storm. Once, as a kid, I noticed my armpits smelled deliciously of maple and I got my nose stuck in them awhile. Eventually I put it together that I’d eaten curry that day and this was the aftermath. I pinpointed fenugreek as the culprit, and began to buy the seeds and boil up a brew (which is better when mixed with its relative, fennel seed, as a sweetener).
The more I drank, the more yummy I stank, so it became the obvious drink of choice before any date at which I might get lucky. And then there’s the work-out — sweating just makes you smell better. It wasn’t long before I discovered it was a pussy maple-izer as well. If, like me, you haven’t gotten lucky in forever and may never again, it’s still a fine thing to bring on camping trips, or other occasions when bathing may be difficult.
So, I’m thinking you feed some fenugreek to your partners, or even just have some yourself — either way, the delicious smell should reach your nose, and therefore contribute to your ORGASM.
Vegans, vegans, vegans… Ah, to be so self righteous about anything is a waste of your typing fingers. Let it go. Dan’s comment is hilarious! If you are inclined to be offended, substitute “meatloaf”, or some other horrifying meat based product that can be found in restaurants…
Hang on a sec….cribbage? Really?
I can’t believe anyone familiar w/Dan would find his vegan comment “out of line” or “uncalled for” – he’s so opinionated he makes Ann Coulter look like muddafuggin Switzerland.
Also, he’s back to being cranky & impatient, but then he only uses iPhone for (shudder) cribbage! That explains at least a few things.
That’s why poor Linda McCartney wound up getting cancer (and I love the McCartneys). But here it is: Linda was a vegan cook/author for almost thirty years until her horribly-tragic death to breast cancer… If people can’t handle the grief that their lifestyle choices can bring about, even in jest through to downright mean ignorance, then -as everyone’s been saying- *lighten up*~! I love irking the self-important types too. Fuck ’em. They get in the way of my constructive good time 😉 ……………
Sorry. What I meant to say is that *worrying: excessive, obsessive, insane worrying* is going to contribute to not only various forms of cancer, but ridicule as well. Take some of that cinnamon bark and apply to yourselves for some skin, thou so much better than us vegans. Eat a roast beef sandwich and an ice cream shake, heavy on the natural cream…
@134/135 I’m sorry…did you really just correlate Linda McCartney’s cancer with her vegan diet?
Incidentally, in the past 15 years I’ve only worn titanium watches. I also keep my hair short and don’t have any tattoos. I don’t like seafood (particularly fish) and never touch the stuff.
I’ve never gotten brain cancer.
coincidence??
For Seeking Slave Food…
There is a ghastly product fed to some prisioners in the United States as punishment called Nutriloaf. This blog has a recipe. http://www.avclub.com/articles/taste-tes…
The reason it wasn’t funny was because Seattle has so many tasty veg restaurants (Carmelita, Sutra, Cafe Flora, Wayward, etc). Have you never been to one, Dan?
But if you want bland meat: boiled chicken. Otherwise, blend together some rice, salt-free beans, and tofu, with no flavorings. Maybe add some kale for extra punishment and a multivitamin.
Oh for the love of fuck, commenters like ADoodle, it was just an off-the-cuff joke! It had fuck all to do with Seattle’s restaurant scene! I would imagine that Dan Savage has indeed sampled tasty veggie fare. Sweet Zombie Jesus, you people need to get a fucking sense of humor.
@108,
I wish it was as simple as being accustomed to intense friction, but female body is weird… it has everything to do with hormones, today you will get off in two minutes while barely touching your clit and in a week it will take long and dedicated intense clitoral stimulation and you can still count yourself lucky *if* you come. Who knows why our bodies work that way?
Also, vegans, yes Dan was perpetuating an offensive (?) stereotype. Which may or may not have a grain of truth in it, but still a stereotype. That’s Dan’s shtick, just ask bisexuals and pit bull owners. It was a JOKE, and for what it’s worth he actually praised some vegan place for its yummy food on his blog.
But really, reconsider how it is offensive. Even if a meat eater did find vegan food bland tasting, we all have our personal likes and dislikes, what’s your problem with it? If he thought vegan food was the best thing since hot water, he would be a vegan, right?
Poster number 1 had it correct – Scented candles. Go to your local candle shop or yankee candle store on line during the winter and stock up on the sweet maple smelling candles that make me and many on the planet gag. I keep one in my office that is sickeningly sweet but that’s because I work with a bunch of Chinese guys who fart all day long and the smell of the sweet candle is a price I’m willing to pay to not have to inhale their stench. Where there is a will, there’s a way!
Sticky, gooey chocolate maple bars!!!!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
Lighten up you humorless vegans. Dan is gay for chrissake! You think he can’t and doesn’t laugh at gay jokes? It’s no wonder most people can’t tolerate y’all. And if you’re a gay, humorless vegan well then I just don’t know what to say.
@138 – the reason it wasn’t funny is because you don’t have a sense of humor. Really. You don’t. It was funny. Clever even.
Hey Vegans, Lighten up.
Oh,for god’s sake. If you aren’t a vegan, then vegan food is disgusting. Especially if, like me, you find most beans abhorrent. The idea of being vegan or having my child decide to be vegan makes me gag. I’m no ignorant hater, either. Just accept the fact that your food is not liked by everyone. Do Mexican’s get upset if I dont’ like beans? No. It’s not a personal attack.
I used to think all vegan food was disgusting until I visited the Chicago Diner in Boys Town (near Wrigleyville). All vegetarian, and all good.
Still think vegans are annoying.
Viv Thomas has a new iPhone website for their porn. And they are the ones that finally got my wife to really enjoy porn… High quality, hot, low on the cussing or derogatory labels and the women tend to come first, guys last, so there is a timing goal to work for!
I’m an omnivore, but I eat perfectly tasty vegan food all the time. It’s called fresh fruit.
I’ll agree, however, that most pseudomeat is an abomination against nature. But imitation anything tends to be iffy at best, most foods are better if you let them have their own flavor rather than try to mold them into being something else.
@ssf : traditional gruel is mashed hempseeds and water. probably very high on the blandness:nutrition ratio.
ORGASM needs to find a partner who has maple syrup urine disease!
Vegans are hilarious. Loved the pun, #124.