I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?

Threesome Complications

Yes, TC, you should tell him.

He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.

And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.

You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.

Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers

For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.

I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?

Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

mail@savagelove.net

279 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. OMG bless you guys SO HARD for this. I know I was terrified of being gay when I was in high school because I saw the things that happened to other kids who were either gay or just feminine guys and I hid who I was until just recently. THANK YOU. I could have used this while I was younger and I will be doing my best to submit my own video with my partner if she’s willing.

    I can’t say thank you to you both enough.

  2. Dan this is beyond wonderful that you put this project together. It’s a great idea and also awesome that you got your camera shy boyfriend Terry to be in the video with you. awesome awesome.

  3. @94 Kudos to you for taking your son’s bullying seriously. We experienced that with our oldest, and it’s heartbreaking to watch sweet kids gets knocked down physically and emotionally. We did the same thing you did (homeschooled briefly, switched schools), but he still looks back on that bullying as a horrible, life-shaping experience. I wish kids had the power people do in the workplace, to launch complaints against harassment.

  4. I agree with Sir Vic’s suggestion. Kids need to hear that being a bully will only make you end up feeling worse and worse. Hate is ridiculously self destructive.

    I am happy to see that you came up with such a great idea for the gay kids. I hope that it will reach everyone.

  5. I agree with Sir Vic’s suggestion. Kids need to hear that being a bully will only make you end up feeling worse and worse. Hate is ridiculously self destructive.

    I am happy to see that you came up with such a great idea for helping the gay kids going through such a rough time in their lives. I hope that it will reach everyone. Cause lord knows anyone who is being bullied needs to hear that life will get better.

  7. To 102: Unfortunately, the bullies do not feel worse. They go on to be successful. Meanwhile, the people who are bullied may not see their lives get better. Just an add-on to stuff other people have said: not everyone who gets gay-baited is actually gay. The Columbine shooters experienced this repeatedly, even though they were, by all accounts, straight.

  10. You’re wonderful! It’s heartbreaking that kids still get bullied so badly they lose the desire to keep living… I added it to my facebook and various links I likely shouldn’t have but it’s helpful! If there’s anything else we straights can do to help with this let us know!

  12. i’m proud of you dan.. i’m proud of you terry.. and i can’t tell you how extraordinarily grateful i am to have lived long enough to see this in the world. thanks

  14. Completely addicted to your podcast.

    I’ve posted a link to the IGB Channel on my facebook and sent messages to every LGBT person I know so that they can participate and spread the word.

    What a wonderful, wonderful project.

  15. Dan, you are a role model of a magnificent caliber. Thank you to you and your husband for sharing your video and launching this project. This has already made an impact, and I look forward to watching it grow. This project is creating hope and support. It is invaluable.

  17. Dan, I wish you would tell us, the straight allies, how to help, too. Other than the fact that my little apartment family (a straight guy, a gay guy, and me – a straight girl) bends the gender rules to the extreme and welcome anyone for who they are. But how do I help? How do I say, we’re in Cambridge which is possibly one of the best places to be gay in the USA, but we still want to fight for equality? Sometimes it’s hard just to figure out what’s best to do.

  18. Thank you so much for creating this video! i have (in the past) tried to commit suicide because people bulled me (im lesbian) and they have also told me to go kill myself…thankfully my christian church supports me and helped me through those rough times. This video was a wonderful idea and i think it should be played across America=)

  19. I truly believe that this is the most amazing and influential video on the internet. In the past, I tried to commit suicide due to bullying (I am a lesbian) and my christian church helped me through it. I believe that this video should be played all across America, and that every Gay, Bi, Lesbian, Transgender, Queer, etc. person should watch and benefit from it=) Keep up the good work!

  22. Dan (and Terry) – Even if nobody else had posted their own “It Gets Better” videos, yours alone would’ve been sufficient. It has the power to help countless gay/lesbian youth. It made me laugh and cry, and I am WAY beyond my teen years! Thank you so much for doing this – You may never know the lives you’ll save with this one act of courage, love and caring.

  23. I am not masturbating to Christine O’Donnell. If I had to masturbate to her, I might have to agree with her that masturbating is self abuse. Of course now, I probably won’t be able to keep her out of my head. If I accidentally think of her even once now while masturbating, I’m blaming you.

  24. with your amount of media exposure and your general awesomeness quotient amongst the gay and straight of this nation, added to the power of youtube… you have formed a voltron of endless possibility and reach. may your gay blade cut through the land, slaying all homophobia and dumbassery that meets its edge. history is on your side. lzr eyes!

  25. I didn’t know who you were before coming across your It Gets Better video on the internet, but I am so glad I did.
    I’m thirteen, I’m a girl, and I’m still figuring out my sexuality. My family isn’t the most supportive one out there, and I don’t really have any ”friends” I can count on, so seeing your video really gave me hope. I’m always telling people that their life is going to get better, that everything will be okay, but, honestly, I’ve never really believed it myself. I know that there are reasons for me to keep living, that my future is going to be worth it, and I’ve always believed that, but lately, the option of giving up had become a much more plausible one than before. I felt weak, and alone, and unimportant. I started watching this video thinking it would be just another generic ”suicide is not the answer” thing, but it wasn’t. It was honest, and real, and I was crying halfway through it. It made me realize that I can, and will, lead a happy life when I’m older, regardless of who I love, and lifestyle I choose to live. It made me find hope, and I know that if I can hope, and dream, I can acheive anything. I can’t thank you enough, really.
    You’ve made a difference in a teenager’s life.
    Thank you.

  26. @102, 107, and 108

    I went to a little cow college for my first year of school, and I was on very good terms with the shitkickers, rednecks and jocks. Don’t think for a minute that they lose sleep over hounding social outcasts to death. They don’t. They’re fundamentally tribal, and if you aren’t in the tribe, you aren’t a person.

  28. I think you should have led off with the letter about Billy Lucas, Dan. It is such a terribly important topic, and the response you offered was really terrific. I am shocked at the degree of homophobia still present in our society, even some squeamishness from my own progressively raised teenagers. Being a teen sucks even for the most well-adjusted child. No young man should have to live with the agony Billy did, and no mother should have to cut her son’s body down from the rafters. It makes me sick to think about.

  30. I accidentally happen to come across one of your you tube videos. And after that, I spent an entire day watching them. You talks are honest, direct and crisp. Loved it.

  31. Thank you so much, Dan! I’ve just watched some of the youtube videos, and needless to say I am sobbing! I’m telling every young person I know about this. Teenagers need to get this message.

  33. @120 Terrierchica: I know you’re not asking me, but…I grew up in Cambridge, and as you say, it was gay friendly/left-wing friendly, etc., and I kind of assumed it was like that everywhere. Imagine my surprise upon moving away to discover that people considered being gay to be an issue, or worthy of derision. So, someday you may move (shudder) and you’ll have plenty of chances to influence people around you. For the time being, what about volunteering in schools with an organization that promotes safe(r) sex/education? Even in a progressive community, the pack-mentality of the teen years can bring out some pretty unhealthy attitudes toward people who are different from the majority.

  34. Regarding the Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day thing. I did my part today, but I could use a little help. Does anyone have any good pictures of her? Frankly, even photoshop fakes would be fine.

  35. Loved this week’s column Dan! I know it’s personal bias but I’ve been missing the LGBT content over the past few weeks.

    I can’t think of a more worthy project, LGBT teens need access to role models. Looking back, it was the thing I lacked and most longed for growing up.

  36. Loved this week’s column Dan! I know it’s personal bias but I’ve been missing the LGBT content over the past few weeks.

    I can’t think of a more worthy project, LGBT teens need access to role models. Looking back, it was the thing I lacked and most longed for growing up.

  37. The It Gets Better Project is so logical, so helpful, so direct – well done Dan.
    And what I love about it and why I think it will make a huge and positive difference is that it isn’t selling or promoting a product, it’s not made by someone running for office or re-election, it’s not advocating only one option, it’s not a government add that took 4 months, 12 research teams and 9 million dollars to produce and then subsequently gets trashed around the political parties. No no.
    It’s humanitarian and it’s made with love and respect, and will be contributed to with love and respect.

  38. Dan – I’m not gay, but I did have a fairly unhappy childhood. I was overweight, with truly awful nappy Jewish hair; I had a parent that I guess could be considered abusive, and from the time I was 15 until I was in my early 20s I don’t think a day went by when I didn’t think about killing myself. Today I have a wife and a beautiful son, and I make my living doing what I always wanted to do but never thought I could. When I look back at my late teens and early 20s, it seems more a matter of luck than anything else that I didn’t kill myself (as it happens, the one night I drank enough to work up the courage to jump off the 15-story library building at my college the door was locked, and I ended up passing out and waking up hungover and locked in an unheated stairwell–in Rhode Island, in February). Your video made me cry and cry and cry. You and your husband have done a wonderful thing. I am sure you’ve heard that one of the cornerstone of Jewish ethics is the notion that saving one life is tantamount to saving the world. What you’ve done will save worlds upon worlds. Thank you.

  39. Even reading about the itgetsbetter project makes me cry with happiness and hope. I think what happened to Billy Lucas is horrible, and anything that might prevent one more mother from finding their child like that is a huge help in this world. Those parents were too late in understanding the gravity of the situation, but Dan is right, we don’t have to be.

  40. Add another to the “Every day is Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day” pile. Sad that such a hottie is also such a crazy, but that’s never stopped me before! (I have the worst relationship record)

  41. You’re doing a great job, Dan. It’s such a nice thing to see your video and your sincere intitiative to help people who find themselves in the dark, all alone and helpless.

    Gay teens are being bullied and messed up across the world. It’s crazy and the young teens just don’t know how to handle it. I was shocked to see such brutality by other kids at such a young age. We’ve all been there and never understood it. But then, if you give it a second thought, it seems like people are homophobic only because they are deeply afraid that there may be a homosexual individual hiding inside their own bodies. That’s what even this article says, that most men are afraid of a gay side that hides within all of us. http://www.lovepanky.com/men/guy-talk/me… People feel that by abusing and bullying someone else who’s gay, it just affirms the fact that they are not gay.

    By doing that homophobic people convince themselves that they arent gay. It’s a bit like the school bully who used to hit the weak kid because it affirmed the fact that he’s cool and powerful. He needs to depend on another boy’s weakness to convince himself of his superiority. And this is the same with several other examples in life, abusive parents, etc.

    I wonder if people could just accept the fact that some people are gay and others are not. Why do they have to be so homophobic? Can we do anything about it? In this lifetime, I don’t know. Everyone’s too scared there may be a gay within to try to accept homosexuality. But with people like you, there’s still hope. Thank you.

  42. Wow! I often read your column and get a laugh, some useful info, or a tip here and there, but today it also touched me (and not in a sexy fun way, in a heartfelt way). What an incredible initiative!

  44. Wonderful video! Big virtual hug to you both, and I’m sure there will be lots of viewers for your channel that are heartened by it.

    While there are bullying kids in high school, there are also supportive kids. It’s too easy to get all focused on the troublemakers. Don’t let the haters make you mean. When people treat you with kindness and respect and share fun times, remember them, focus on them, and be like them. Ignore, trouble – it feeds on your reactions, don’t give it any.

  46. Wonderful video! Big virtual hug to you both, and I’m sure there will be lots of viewers for your channel that are heartened by it.

    While there are bullying kids in high school, there are also supportive kids. It’s too easy to get all focused on the troublemakers. Don’t let the haters make you mean. When people treat you with kindness and respect and share fun times, remember them, focus on them, and be like them. Ignore, trouble – it feeds on your reactions, don’t give it any.

  47. I’ve been posting the channel to my Facebook page every day, some times twice. If we don’t share this, the kids who need to hear it may never get the chance.

    Also, bullies can feel remorse. A friend in college told me a story about the boy who bullied his younger (gay) brother. One day, out of nowhere, the former bully showed up the day after Christmas and apologized for the bullying (both attend out of state colleges). It didn’t heal his brother’s problems, but it was certainly a start. I guess they jog together now or something. Maybe they’re raquetball partners.

    Side note: I absolutely adore Joe Newton’s drawing for this.

  48. As soon as I’m home in front of a camera I’m gonna make a video and post it. I went to a shitstick high school in the middle of Buttfuck Alberta, Canada (think Alabama only with more snow and oil) and suffered years of torment. Now I’ve got a wonderful Fiancee and an amazing life – it really DOES get better!

    Thanks for starting this Dan!

  49. Thanks to both of you, Terry and Dan. I’ve posted it on my Facebook page and I’ll make sure my adult brother and his LAWFULLY WEDDED Spanish husband watch it, too. They were married in Spain’s city hall five years ago with my entire extended family present, including friends of the family. Just before their wedding, a military wedding was taking place. We were terrified: what will they do when they see this is a gay wedding? And then we saw the two brides in full military dress, with their (soldier) friends, also in full military dress, creating a canopy of crossed sabers. It was shocking, and then it was beautiful, and we joined in the hundreds of military people cheering the wedding of two lesbian soldiers.

  50. Dan, I am so glad that you have done this, but I am also sorry that you are excluding anyone who is not gay from participation. Isn’t exclusion just stooping to the level of those who want to exclude gays?

    I may not be gay, but I know what it’s like to be bullied. I know what it’s like to think of suicide as a viable option, not because you actually want to die, but because living is just so fucking miserable. And I know what it’s like to have your family cast you out and turn their backs on you. And I know what it’s like to have life get better. So the fact that I’m straight doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to contribute to this discussion.

    I’d like to suggest that you pair up with Jodee Blanco. She’s a survivor of bullying, has written a couple of books and speaks at high schools across the country. Maybe if you join forces the non-gays with something to say could have a voice in all of this.

    You might also try to get the Matthew Shepard Project behind you.

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