I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?

Threesome Complications

Yes, TC, you should tell him.

He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.

And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.

You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.

Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers

For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.

I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?

Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

mail@savagelove.net

279 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. I believe Dan Savage was put on this earth for this most important “It Gets Better” project. Uncounted young gay lives will be spared because of these posts. Carry on

  4. I love you Dan and Terry! I think everyone needs encouragement to survive/get out of high school with their sanity anyway but watching your video pretty much makes me cry.

    I was one of the kids who Stuck Up For my gay friends [I am still that kid as a grown up naturally]. I never really thought I helped but maybe it did.

    This is SUCH an awesome thing. I love that you are doing this…the lives you will save…the important lives you will save….!!!!!!

  5. @152, your anecdote cracked me up, but also gave me warm fuzzies. Hoorah for the lesbian soldiers.

    In general: I think we need to have far more action on bullying of any kind.
    When I was in late grade school, about age 9 or 10, the girls I was friends with decided they were the cool clique and I was out of it – thereby losing people I genuinely was friends with, and I spent the rest of my schooling being an outsider, though not actually bullied or taunted.

    Now I’m seeing the same thing happening with my nine-year old niece, only with her there *is* name-calling and taunting, and the potential for violence lurking in the background: the clique who are taunting her are friends with some of the biggest, known to be aggressive boys… so she worries that if she stands up to the mean girls, or sasses them back, she may get physically assaulted.

    It breaks my heart even thinking she would go through the heartache I did as a preteen and teen, let alone this escalation which is worse than what I dealt with. So many other kids need to know there are adults who’ve been through the same and care and that it won’t always be that way. Maybe they won’t ever be so bad as to contemplate suicide, as gay and gay-baited teens do, but we could spare them so much heartache and emotional trauma.

  6. Whether or not he was or was not gay…I think the important message is that it gets better for EVERYONE. High School is a rough time…and I know many people who are gay, straight, bi, act ‘gay’ but are straight, and act ‘straight’ but are gay. And even some out gay people I know give these people a hard time. I am blind to it…I don’t care how you act or what you seem…my hope is that you can be open and honest with who you are, not JUST about your sexuality, but about all of the things that you love and make you happy.

  7. Whether or not he was or was not gay…I think the important message is that it gets better for EVERYONE. High School is a rough time…and I know many people who are gay, straight, bi, act ‘gay’ but are straight, and act ‘straight’ but are gay. And even some out gay people I know give these people a hard time. I am blind to it…I don’t care how you act or what you seem…my hope is that you can be open and honest with who you are, not JUST about your sexuality, but about all of the things that you love and make you happy.

  8. A friend posted the “It gets better” video on FB. I watched many of the videos posted. I am not gay, none of my 4 children are LBGT. But, I am planning on a career change to High School teacher. I promise to do EVERYTHING in my power to help LBGT kids through that toughest time in their lives. I swear it.

  9. dear dan,
    i am a straight, straight female (!haha!) and ive been a fan of yours for a few years now. after watching yours and terry’s video i had to create an account to tell you how wonderful you are and how thankful i am for having someone like you in the world. many people look up to you and trust you, myself included. you are always brutally honest and very fair, which i find humorous, but mostly appreciate. i look forward weekly to reading your column, in fact its the first thing i read in the stranger! anyways, its really sad how brutal kids can be to each other. i know when youre young it seems like school will never end. i wish i could articulate how rad it is that you and terry have begun this “it gets better” project. you two lovely gentlemen have created hope for teens from many different backrounds. anyways, i thought i would share my appreciation for you, dan
    and also to you terry for putting yourself out there
    thanks guys!!!

  10. dear dan,
    i am a straight, straight female (!haha!) and ive been a fan of yours for a few years now. after watching yours and terry’s video i had to create an account to tell you how wonderful you are and how thankful i am for having someone like you in the world. many people look up to you and trust you, myself included. you are always brutally honest and very fair, which i find humorous, but mostly appreciate. i look forward weekly to reading your column, in fact its the first thing i read in the stranger! anyways, its really sad how brutal kids can be to each other. i know when youre young it seems like school will never end. i wish i could articulate how rad it is that you and terry have begun this “it gets better” project. you two lovely gentlemen have created hope for teens from many different backrounds. anyways, i thought i would share my appreciation for you, dan
    and also to you terry for putting yourself out there
    congrats on your disgustingly cute family!
    thanks guys!!!

  11. Dear Dan,
    I loved you before this particular column, I’ve loved you since Jr High, but you really knocked this out of the park. You have made me so much more comfortable with sexuality and you are brilliantly scathing. THis project is awesome. I really enjoyed hearing you and your husband’s story. You guys are so cute together. It’s always enjoyable to see people that really care for each other like you guys, it makes me less cynical. THanks for everything

  12. In regards to the “it gets better” sentiment, what about the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal that just failed? Any comments Dan?

    Fight Religious Extremism Everywhere!

  13. @58 I agree, we should all get in there and make videos, gay, bi, straight, etc. Every bit and every perspective counts. And Bravo Dan, this is truely revolutionary.

  15. I was harassed from late grade school into my sophomore year of high school, then most of the bullies were gone and I had a great time until graduation. However, in 8th grade I took a bunch of pills and actually saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Something in me decided I was too young to die and I forced myself to wake up and stay awake. I was sick for days, but no one found out. I survived and now I have a great life. It really does get better.

  16. Dan, I am straight and doing my best to masturbate to Christine O’Donnell but please don’t be angry if the thought prevents lead in the pencil. Now if we are dedicating a day to Nikki Benz then I expect little issues with the lead. LOL. Your the best.

  17. Dan, I am straight and doing my best to masturbate to Christine O’Donnell but please don’t be angry if the thought prevents lead in the pencil. Now if we are dedicating a day, week, month or year to Nikki Benz then I expect little issues with the lead for many of the straight boys. LOL. Your the best.

  19. I have already masterbated specifically to offend Christine ODonnell so delighted to find like minded folks. I promise to continue fighting the good fight and will masturbate accordingly in solidarity to the cause! every day until the protest expires… 🙂

  20. Being number 171, this comment probably won’t get read by anyone. Regardless, I want to say that your “it gets better project” videos made me cry. Keep up the good work, Dan. You’re a significant figure. If anyone is interested in demographics, I’m a straight male in my 20s.

  21. Dan, I’ve followed you for years and I think this may be the most moving and beautiful project you’ve ever undertaken. As a former kid who was targeted for her perceived sexuality among other things, and a dear friend of many in the same boat (some of whom I witnessed first-hand), all I can say is thank you.

  22. Hi,

    I know everyone is saying the same thing, but I’m adding my voice to the multitude, because your video was very well timed in my personal life. I’m not gay and I’m not even a teenager. I just wanted to be reminded it’s going to get better.

    So thank you.

  23. I am going to post the youtube link to my website so everyone can see it. As a Life Coach and an adjunct professor teaching psychology on a college campus a good many of my students are young kids who have just “escaped” the high school bullying. Thank God for that liberal bias on college campuses that allows me to make this stuff known. Great work Dan, my students will appreciate this (as will my clients).

    http://www.coachingforlifetoday.com

  24. Hi, all the straight people who have commented, “But why is this just for queer people? How can I participate?”

    1) You *can* participate– by signal-boosting (posting links in your Facebook/MySpace/LiveJournal, sending email forwards, etc), by showing the videos to people you know, by trying to find ways to get news of this project to kids who won’t hear about it otherwise. That would be really useful and helpful.

    2) It’s true that many, many people get bullied, and many people find high school terrible. But statistics do show that, on average, it’s worse for queer kids. I’m sure there are exceptions (straight kids who go through hell, queer kids who are just fine), and you may have been one of them, but there are still problems faced specifically by queer kids which are different from the ones faced by straight kids. So it is worthwhile having a project which addresses their problems.

    3) I agree strongly with #100. It would be *great* to have a project which reached out to all sorts of kids who are being bullied– smart kids, disabled kids, geeky kids, kids with mental health issues, kids who are racially in the minority in their school, kids who are perceived to be queer whether or not they are– so why don’t you go start one? You could piggy-back off of this project, if you wanted to, and I’m sure you could do a very useful thing.

    I get that people want to help, and that’s cool. I feel like the vast majority of everything in our culture is inclusive of (if not designed exclusively for) straight people, and it’s not that unreasonable to have a project like this focused on and for queer people.

  25. DAN, I’M A “HOMO-PHOBIC” (ACCORDING TO SOME FRIENDS) I DON’T THINK SO, IT’S SIMPLY A LIFESTYLE OF WHICH I’M UNFAMILAR & AND IT WOULD NEVER BE FOR ME. I THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR THE EFFORTS YOU ARE MAKING TO SAVE THE LIVES OF YOUNG GAY & LESBIAN CITIZENS. I APPLAUD YOU!
    ONE THING I DO UNDERSTAND; TO GO THROUGH LIFE ALONE IS A SAD AND LONELY EXPERIENCE. TO FIND ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE MIDST OF 6 BILLION ON THIS PLANET WITH WHOM YOU CAN LOVE, NURTURE & SHARE IS A BLESSING. IT DOES GET BETTER, DAY BY DAY.
    I HOPE THESE YOUNG PEOPLE CAN RISE ABOVE THE VERBAL, EMOTIONAL & EVEN PHSICAL ABUSE THAT’S OUT THERE, ACCEPT THEMSELVES, FOR THE FINE PEOPLE THEY ARE AN LIVE THEIR LIVES WITH JOY & FULFILLMENT.

  27. I think the It Gets Better project rocks but shouldn’t be limited to just gay people – what about all of us nerds, losers, dorks and general outcasts that were tormented as teens but lived to tell the tale?

    This goes beyond a G/L issue – it’s about all struggling youth who feel that high school is IT – nothing could be more permanent or lasting – and think that the fools surrounding them know all.

    Fuck that – open your project to anyone that has struggled through bullying and put a true voice at there for ALL the kids suffering daily and doubt their worth. Unfortunately a lot of us (straight folks too) have been there and it would have made a HUGE difference in my teen years to know – hey – this will go away – these people aren’t shit – and someday I’ll be a grown up, making my own rules, picking my own friends and LIVING my own life – with no regard for the douches that tried to make me think I wasn’t worth living.

    Love ya Dan…

  28. I think the It Gets Better project rocks but shouldn’t be limited to just gay people – what about all of us nerds, losers, dorks and general outcasts that were tormented as teens but lived to tell the tale?

    This goes beyond a G/L issue – it’s about all struggling youth who feel that high school is IT – nothing could be more permanent or lasting – and think that the fools surrounding them know all.

    Fuck that – open your project to anyone that has struggled through bullying and put a true voice at there for ALL the kids suffering daily and doubt their worth. Unfortunately a lot of us (straight folks too) have been there and it would have made a HUGE difference in my teen years to know – hey – this will go away – these people aren’t shit – and someday I’ll be a grown up, making my own rules, picking my own friends and LIVING my own life – with no regard for the douches that tried to make me think I wasn’t worth living.

    Love ya Dan…

  30. Wait, um, Billy Lucas never said he was gay, according to news reports. Family says the same. No friend has come forward to confirm his same-sexer status. Granted, there could be a great many (obvious) reasons for that. But Occam’s Razor would suggest at least one obvious reason: it’s being reported this way because he wasn’t actually gay. Yet the proprietary stance of the gay community towards this tragic event–“he’s one of ours”–at the very least misses the more general point of bullying: any kid who’s sensitive, or different, or interiorized, or likes to play Bach on the violin and hates football, etc., can be fodder for relentless torment. At the worst, the insistence here on his homosexuality compounds that torment, even after he can no longer be hurt by it.

  31. I’d just like to echo the kudos for itgetsbetterproject. Even as a straight, geeky kid, I could have used that.

    Oh, and xWhatever on the curiosity about your partner being an incentive to click it.

  32. It is so important that this message get out there to all teenagers. LGBT, and fat kids and nerdy kids, and slutty kids and ANYONE who is bullied and harrassed. In High School people tell you “These are the best years of your life” I remember thinking “fuck that.” Maybe for some people hihg school are the best years – whihc is REALLY sad becasue there is so much more living afterwards. Imagine peaking at 17? When you are 13 your whole world is school, but it won’t always be that way. There is FAR more in heaven and earth than conceived in a Jr. High PE class, thank god

  33. @Straight People:

    Thanks for the support… don’t wait for Dan to tell you what to do to help, get creative! Donate to or volunteer with GLSEN, the Trevor Project or your local suicide hotline. Call your local school district and your legislators and tell them you support anti-bullying programs in schools. Effective ones, not just ones that whine about hurt feelings and so forth… think of your own stuff!

    @Non-LGBT People Who Were Bullied:

    I think it’s fantastic if you all were to start your own projects to combat bullying and teen-suicide. Why you gotta get all up in our hizzouse? 😉

  34. Just wanted to point out that there are nearly 80 videos posted in a little over a week. WOW! Dan Savage you are amazing, and it is because of you that this project has such momentum (apart from the fact that you started it). You are an inspiration. Keep doing what you do!

    @181 and @186 I agree with 186! -and I’m straight- This project is specifically to show LGBT kids people just like them who have survived and thrived after highschool. Straight people have PLENTY of examples already. Let this one stay queer (I mean that in the best possible sense).

  35. These stories are very much appreciated, especially the ones from couples. Sometimes just the way they smile at each other tells a beautiful tale.

    I still remember how breathtakingly wonderful it was for me to see a gay couple holding hands as they walked down the street chatting with their friends. They weren’t at a rally. There was no protest or assertion of rights. It was just a crisp New England fall day, and the sight made me smile deeply inside. And to the Tufts boy who leaned his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder on the 96 bus – thank you. It was these scenes of normalcy that convinced me more than any advocacy ever could that all could be well.

    So please, all you happily partnered/married people, hold hands (when you want), hug (when you want), and have your strangely adorable little fights at the grocery store. Your everyday inspires incredible hope.

  36. That Dan Savage! What a guy. What an incredible project. And I just gotta say that the body language between Dan and Terry is the sweetest thing I’ve seen all week. Thanks!

  37. This is an enormous change from Dan Savage. Previously his comments at least were pragmatic regarding those who had devastatingly unsuccessful social lives, saying that there are many out there just the same. Savage Love is itself a record of interesting problems brought from people who are spectacularly socially-successful and dealing with the messiness.

    But now, possibly due to superficial daddyhood encouragement feelings, he’s flopping to a superficial, statistically-unsupported “It gets better” aphorism. Consider the young man already had no social support network, nor skills or other resources for developing one. His parents, if they are good parents, are monitoring his internet access. At the same time, this family was obviously of no social support, and reports on the YouTube page indicate that they continue to remove all socially supportive gay comments.

    From this condition and environment of social isolation at high school age, even if he had stuck miserably through high school into college (or as college is more unreachable for most today, into independent adulthood), he would have already been less likely socially to succeed without a set of skills developed through successful socialization at school. Not the least is just a socially attractive generally “happy” demeanor, one of the spoils accumulated by those who do not concede that the biggest social advantage is that nothing succeeds like success.

    If Dan had even done the easy “Seek counseling” from his hero Ann Landers, he would have had to if not being superficial confront the fact that most counselors have no idea of how to facilitate socialization for gay people. As anyone who has been there notices, just like 9 out of 10 of the general population are not gay, 9 out of 10 counselors aren’t and have no idea what to offer besides “It gets better” with nothing but an unfounded cultural “be encouraging” approach that yields no help. It is unreasonable also to expect the average person to have the financial or other resources to “keep trying to find a better counselor” in most environments. If you’re having problems with the statistical facts of what happens *each time* you make a 1 in 10 choice, imagine 10 places for bullets, but one is empty. Spin it, fire, what are the odds you’ll get the bad thing happening? Then *replace* the fired bullet with a new one, and repeat for each subsequent 1 in 10 case.

    Basically, what you’ve come up with is just the feel-good “It’s easy for people for whom it’s worked out” subjectivity and social display. There was little likelihood of the young man’s social improvement given his circumstances, just continuing isolation until the point where his depth of emotionality decreased to where absence of supportive, or even less-likely, intimate social interaction became inescapably accepted.

    The “It Gets Better” platitude is at its core a “blame the victim” attitude toward those for whom it did not get better. It has no value as far as solving the problems of the person for who things are not better.

  38. Did you knowingly or unknowingly make vanish from your consciousness the majority of people for whom it does not get better?

    Isn’t there a reason for the universality of recognition of the truth in Thoreau’s observation that “The majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation” ?

    Is it because you believe that for you, and the people that you see, that things have gotten better that there is statistical authority to state “Things get better” ?

    Is this the new faith-based column from Dan Savage? Faith-based foreclosures are so attractive and rewarding for those who can brandish them as sources of authority. It’s gratifying to just go spewing subjective opinion all over everything that presents itself, like the world is your Rorschach blot.

    Do you ever let Terry finish his sentences in real life?

  39. I just watched some of the channel. While I liked a lot of the videos, the two female teachers made me cry. The silence and delivery of that video was so strong that I want to forward it to everyone I know. Bravo for starting this, Dan!

  42. Great job, Dan. But as a teacher, I feel that telling kids “it gets better” when they are dealing with shit on a daily basis isn’t enough.
    Take this to the next level – yes, it gets better, but something more needs to be done to confront the bullying that is still occurring.
    Start a movement where students, supportive parents, teachers and other allies confront the school administrators who stand by and allow this to continue. Hold schools accountable for their failure to act. Many states have new, strict anti-bullying laws.

    To say it gets better gives a pass to the bullies and schools that are failing our kids. Bullying is a violation of a person’s civil rights and it is not acceptable to say it is a part of growing up.

  43. Great job, Dan. But as a teacher, I feel that telling kids “it gets better” when they are dealing with shit on a daily basis isn’t enough.
    We need to take this to the next level – yes, it gets better, but something more needs to be done to confront the bullying that is still occurring.
    Students, supportive parents, teachers and other allies need to confront the school administrators who stand by and allow this to continue. Hold schools accountable for their failure to act. Many states have new, strict anti-bullying laws.

    To say it gets better gives a pass to the bullies and schools that are damaging our kids. Bullying is a violation of a person’s civil rights and it is not acceptable to say it is a part of growing up.

  44. @ 195/196 i totally agree with your message, that school administration must be held accountable for the passes they constantly give to bullies. Time & again, school administrators proved to us that, if they CAN take the path of least resistance, they WILL. Don’t allow them to weasel out of providing a safe learning environment for all children in all grade levels.

    The bullying my son endured started the moment he set foot on school property in Junior Kindergarten, and didn’t stop until he left elementary school. The one time he retalliated against the bully, he got double the punishment the bullies ever got. When we had meetings with the school principal, my son was blamed for being “weak”. Eventually, we started calling the police, which did help. What helped the most was when my son grew & grew & grew till he was towering over the bullies, & this put a stop to almost all the bullying, but they still tried to bait him with verbal harassment.

    My son is not gay, however, he does have a non-verbal learning disability that sets him apart from others. My son is an intelligent, loving boy.

    I just wanted to point out that bullying isn’t relegated to JUST high school. If the school administrators won’t properly deal with the bullies, call the police. It sends a message not only to the bullies, but also to the school administration, that you, as parents, are not going to stand by & allow the bullies to win.

    P.S. Thanks Dan & Terry for your great video & the encouragement you give.

  45. Just a quick question. Is this project only focused on GBLTT issues?

    Or, is it expanded to include all victims of any kind of detrimental bullying? Whether it’s physical, emotional, mental or spiritual? (There’s still too much bigotry surrounding various religions.)

    Personally, I was a victim, who found himself being ‘outed’ in high school. I’m not gay. Wasn’t then, and am not now. But I am secure in my sexuality, and openly flirt with men (under the right circumstances, and when I know it won’t offend anyone.)

    The point is, sometimes teens use homosexuality as a sword, cutting undesirables from their community, even if the accusations are false.

    And the mental and emotional impacts these situations have on the victims.

    If a gay man came to me and told me that it would get better and that I’d be able to live my life as an open homosexual in my adult years, it would’ve fallen on deaf ears. All because I’m not gay.

    But, if someone came and told me that Metrosexualism would be the next hot trend, and that I was just on the leading edge of it, that would’ve helped. 😛

    Society will accept us for who we are, even if family and friends cannot.

  46. But it doesn’t get better. I feel the same as I did 10 years ago–even worse with Facebook’s unsolicited shout outs from the past rubbing it in further.

  47. It does get better. So much f’ing better. Thanks Dan for starting this project. My husband and I are going to work on our video. The project should go on indefinitely.

  48. I agree, the body language between Dan & Terry in their video was very sweet. You can see their bond is strong.

    To comment on #198 (Ben B.), i agree with his assertion that the victim doesn’t have to be gay in order to be accused of it, but that is just one more weapon in the bully’s arsenal, to be brought out & used at their choosing. My son is not gay, but sexual harassment was used on him by many bullies, & it works because it strikes at the heart of the victim’s psyche, & in the case of children, usually renders them incapable of responding. Parents must take an active role in their children’s school career, especially if their child is bullied – no matter what the bullying consists of – & stand behind their child(ren) & support them all the way. But i know some parents are oblivious. For parents who do take an active role in their child’s school, do not be afraid to call the police if the school administration is passing the buck or tries to blame the victim. When school admin starts turning the other cheek or making statements to the effect that the victim was complicit in the bullying, that is when you know they are not “zero tollerance”, which is what schools need to be if they are to effectively deal with bullying issues.

    I agree with #199 re: FB and the possibility of negative use of “friending” and “shoutouts”. The 3rd party privacy issues are enough to keep me from being a member of any such social networking sites, & i caution my children on this topic too, as cyber bullying is huge; just another venue for bullies to get at victims.

    For it to “get better”, one must live in an accepting & loving environment. For some people, this means leaving their family of origin. Many people are bullied in their work environment, which is an extremely difficult situation, especially in this economic climate.

    Counselling is a good direction to take, & with those who cannot afford counselling, go to the library & get some self help books. Believe it or not, books can help, because, yes, the longterm mental & emotional impact that bullying has on people is huge. Not just the victim, but the perp too.

  50. Adults helping teens is great, but even better is when teens help each other. My daughter helped start a YouTube channel called 7AwesomeLesbians. They discuss their lives by answering the question of the week. Sometimes the topics are related to being a gay teen and sometimes they are about ordinary life. I imagine its a great help to lots of kids.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/7AwesomeLesb…

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