I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he’s helped me overcome my fears of the “grossness” of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert—as a recipient.
He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it’s a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure—but no matter how much he cleans the area, I’m having trouble getting over two issues.
1. I’m submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his “dominant” role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to…
2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that’s trapping and producing the odors. I feel it’s too horrible to tell him, “I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds.” It’s also not fair, as he’s an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I’m willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits.
Can’t Go There
I don’t know how you get over it, CGT—hell, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just reading your letter.
I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it’s administered, isn’t just for butts on the men’s Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or—presumably—tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham’s butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there’s just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up—figuratively and literally—to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don’t think you’ll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn’t need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight, and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling him that you’ll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you’ve come to enjoy so much.
I’m a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: Every girlfriend I’ve ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I’ve been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy.
Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her?
Scab Kinkster In Need
It’s going to be that kind of column—the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish—which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name “phaneromania”—is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone’s scalp while he beats off isn’t something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don’t lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It’s the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: You’ll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you’ll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
I’m a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I’ve been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he’s horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it’s a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous “88” tattoo (which usually refers to “Heil Hitler,” with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I’ve seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He’s never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we’ve never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys—he knows I’m open and out—and I don’t think he’s planning for RAHOWA, but I’m wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive?
Worried Over Racist Dick
Color me intolerant, but I don’t think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions—but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit.
Doesn’t that 88 tattoo prove that he’s a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over—but you won’t know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he’s still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn’t see him anymore.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Do me a favor. Go to tinyurl.com/24rjpv7. Find “Colleen K.” Click “View profile.” Click “Like this.” Thank you.
I LOVE DAN!!!
wow, you can get people to do anything. Tidy cat winner you will be Colleen K.
Good answer to the tatoo question, Dan.
He may also have been drunk when he got the tatoo, or someone else may have talked him into it. Still, if you’r getting your kicks, why does politics have to enter into it? Why not just blow him and enjoy it, and not worry about the politics he may or may not endorse?
So who is Colleen K? Glad to help, but who is she?
3: It enters into it because we aren’t really talking about the normal realm of politics here. We aren’t talking about fucking a man who thinks trickle-down economics actually works. We aren’t even talking about someone who thinks affirmative action is reverse racism. If the tattoo on WORD’s arm translates to “Heil Hitler” and is actually a reflection of his current beliefs, we are talking about a man who supports gassing Jews. And that, Captain, like picking the scabs off your lover’s head, is simply beyond the fold for most people.
On another note, I am usually annoyed by commenters who feel the need to scream “Fake!” when letters seem extremely unlikely, unusual, or convenient. However, I have never been as tempted as I am by the scalp/scab picking letter. I think this is mostly because I strongly pride myself on being GGG in all contexts and, until today, truly believed there is nothing sexual that I would not try for a man I really loved. However, I think I have to draw the line at scalp picking. I guess we all have limits.
Too bad SKIN has thing for dandruff and not pimples. I know tons of women who’ve got a thing for squeezing zits on their boyfriends (though it may help a bit if he’s reluctant).
Helped Colleen. She sounds sweet.
@ 4: Dan said on Slog it was a family thing, but I’m wondering who exactly she is as well! I feel sort of bad for the people who only have double digit votes, too. Voted for Colleen K though!
Ew, man. I have seborrheic dermatitis, too, but I think it’s fucking gross and try to control it with T-Sal shampoo. Definitely not a turn on over here lol.
I have been reading this column for a long time, and the Tidycats thing is definitely the gayest thing it has ever lead me to. Congrats.
Grand article, sir. Particularly for the mention of Mr. Matthew Mitcham, who was previously unknown to me but shall henceforth occupy a place in my fantasy life heretofore occupied only by Alexandre Despatie.
SKIN should be looking for bio majors to date; in general we’re a lot harder to gross out. Personally I’d think he was weird but I’d do it for him (but I’m the kind of girl who pops the zits on her husband’s back for him).
Given the fact that myself, my mother, AND my sister all love peeling sunburnt skin (it’s a weird OCD thing, rather than a sexual thing), I’m sure there’s someone out there for SKIN. Hell, if I knew him, I’d help the poor guy out.
CGT’s boyfriend wants to be pegged and rimmed, and she doesn’t want to put her face near his smelly butt. This seems solvable. Get him to wash well, then peg him but good. He’ll deal with the lack of rimming.
As for CGT’s other concern (that her dom will be less domly if she pegs him), it may be possible for her to accept that she needs to service him in this way, to belong to him completely. If he uses his domly voice when he asks for it, that should help.
Tattoos aren’t just for neo-Nazi skinheads, you know. And there are plenty of other reasons to be tattooed with “88”. He could be a fan of Dale Earnhardt Jr., or he could be a “Back to the Future” enthusiast, or maybe he’s from Eighty Eight, Kentucky.
“The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist.”
God, I love this column.
88
@4 and @8 She’s brother Bill’s girlfriend.
I disagree. I think you have to take a shot at changing his 8″ mind. Assuming it’s the worst case, WORD has very little to lose by trying, but you have to try to implant that meme in there, if only for later growth.
I don’t think SKIN’s kink is a Fetish Too Far, at all. Many people like popping their partner’s zits, peeling their dead skin, or picking up the loose hair on their shoulders. It even seems like women prefer this kind of grooming stuff at a higher rate then men, even if it isn’t a sexual thing for them. I’d happily pick SKIN’s head- I don’t get turned on by picking, but I love scratching and peeling things on my partner, as a super-super intimate sign of affection.
I pick zits. I can’t help myself. It’s not sexual but it’s just about my favorite hobby to pick my husband’s zits. He isn’t a fan, but he graciously submits because he knows that afterwards he’s getting a fantastic thank-you blowjob. I keep telling him that if he washed his face more and used the acne cream I gave him, he’d have fewer zits and I’d have less to do, but he never does. I guess he just likes the head.
The “88” guy sounds like he could be the kind of guy who’s into sports. Maybe it was his high school football number, or maybe he’s a fan of Marvin Harrison or Lynn Swan?
Of course SKIN’s letter was either going to make me shriek in horror or explode into laughter. Laughter was my way of coping with the horror.
Wow. So licking someone’s hairy smelly butt is not submissive enough for this lady. Strangely, I have trouble imagining a more submissive anal act. Looks like I don’t really get the dom/sub thing.
I can already hear the next encounter for the final letter’s author, “So, I’ve always wondered about the ’88’ tattoo, what does it mean?” “It’s about Dale Earnhardt Jr? Now *that’s* a hard limit…”
I love picking skin. It’s not a fetish for me, but I sincerely enjoy giving my fiance pedicures just because I get to pick off his calluses and old skin. I don’t care how smooth his feet are afterward; it’s just oddly satisfying for me.
I’d help SKIN out if I could.
maybe 88 is a bad-ass piano player, or a closet asian belonging to O-Ren Ishii’s crew
I love picking skin, too.
Also, my boyfriend is a swimmer, and his ass seriously tastes like candy. I’m not kidding. Watermelon jelly ranchers. I’m not sharing, either.
I just thought I would brag. But a word of advice? Start hanging around the pool, CGT.
Sixy Jackoffpot is my new favorite term! Sounds kinda like the name of a Bond Girl.
LW#2 just makes me want to laugh, very derisively. Mr. Superior White Collar Guy enjoys getting it from Inferior Blue Collar Guy because he likes to slum it. Finally, after two years of class conscious, mind-blowing sex, now he’s worried that Blue Collar might just possibly be a white supremacist? Exactly who’s the POS here?
CGT should also consider having her boyfriend shave his crack (or shave it for him). And perhaps tidy up the whole region while they are at it. It can do wonders for men AND women. Other than that, maybe some pleasantly scented or flavoured lubes or lotions?
@24 I found that line about submission kind of weird too.
Don’t give up hope, SKIN! I am a straight female who is engaged to a man with a very dry scalp who also has flaky white patches of dry skin that grow on his scalp, and I LOVE to pick them off. It’s kind of a hobby. It’s not a sexual turnon for me, and definitely not a turnon for the man I am with (he merely tolerates it), but if I *was* dating a guy with that kind of fetish I would be GGG for doing that in a heartbeat. Judging by the other women who’ve also posted in this thread, I’m not alone in this regard.
Don’t give up hope, SKIN! My fiance also has flaky white patches of dry skin that grow on his scalp, and I LOVE to pick them off. It’s not a sexual turnon for me, and definitely not a turnon for the man I am with (he merely tolerates it), but if I *was* dating a guy with that kind of fetish I would be GGG for doing that. Judging by the other women who’ve also posted in this thread, I’m not alone in this regard.
LW1–Assplay =/anilingus. You don’t have to use your mouth–use your fingers instead. And, if you are still a bit squicked, get some medical gloves (these can be bought in 50 count boxes at Fred Meyer for about $6) so you won’t get ‘dirty.’ finally, you can use scented lube to mitigate the smell, if it’s really that bad…there are ways to be GGG and still avoid trauma for you.
Yeesh. I can really see where SKIN is coming from. After all, I LOVE picking my own skin when my sunburn peels– it’s very cathartic– but there’s nothing sexual about it. And I definitely would not enjoy picking someone else’s skin. And scalp picking– my own or anyone else’s– is right out. But I just want to say major kudos to those of you who are commenting and saying that you would do it for a lover. You guys are the superheroes of the sex world. haha.
@24 and 32,
LOL but I think she’s talking about pegging him, since penetration is seen as a dominant act. However, I agree that it’s all in viewpoint; if one sees it as a service to a Dom than it is. Also, he could help by saying, “Get me off, bitch” or whatever.
Also, this talk of skin picking is really turning my stomach. Kink Too Far, indeed.
I’m a straight girl, and I would totally indulge SKIN in his fetish. While I don’t find it sexually stimulating, I am and have been a compulsive picker my whole life. And, sorry if this is disgusting to some people, but scalps rock for picking – even if there’s no special skin condition involved. It almost seems like he lucked out by getting a skin condition that allows him to experience his fetish whenever he wants. (Although, I guess the condition could have been the root of the fetish in the first place…?)
Anyway, I lucked out too, because my boyfriend loves it when I run my fingers through his hair, and doesn’t mind if I stop to pick something while I’m doing it. It’s really nice that we know we’re both enjoying it. However, I don’t think SKIN has to wait for a compulsive picker chick to come a long (although that could be pretty perfect), because he should start with something non-threatening like asking his girlfriend to play with his hair while on the couch watching a movie together. Plenty of men love that, so I can’t imagine a woman finding it weird. Then, he can work in, “Will you run your fingernails over my scalp and scratch my head?” Also not weird at all. Then, if that head scratching dislodges one of his skin flakes, he can explain his skin condition (but not his fetish – yet) and say, “Sorry if that’s gross, but it felt really good,” and see what happens. He may not get to jack off in front of her, but it could lead to sex. And even if not, it could be better than nothing!
Picky, picky, picky! After all, we are primates, and grooming is a bonding experience. It’s just another way of building intimacy. Count me among the women who probably wouldn’t have a problem with it!
88 is a lucky number in Chinese numerology, signifying wealth and prosperity. Perhaps open the conversation by asking about that, rather than ‘Say, do you perchance happen to be a white supremacist?’
@36 I never would’ve thought I deserved kudos for being willing to do something as simple as pick at someone’s head, but hey, we all draw the line somewhere! There was a letter a few weeks back where the writer said her boyfriend wanted her to gurgle and play with his spunk with her tongue after giving him head. Typing that line literally just woke up my gag reflex a little. I could never do that, so if someone shrugged at the thought of it, I would probably say they had super powers, too. But really, we’re all just human, and we all have our hangups.
@24 and 32
I feel dominant when I perform oral or rim someone. I just feel like I’m the one controlling the act, so I have all the power.
“He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.”
That was probably the funniest thing Dan has ever published.
So today was get a pass and define the exceptions to GGG day?
Ass rimming (at least huge, hairy, unattractive and flabby rimming) is not required to be GGG.
Scalp picking while masturbating is not required to be GGG.
And DTMFA the white supremacist. I was going to ask if the straight guy is supposed to dump the gal who is a white supremacist or does the answer depend on her sexual appetite and breast/hip ratio?
@neptune — compulsive picking twins! I’ve been a picker/peeler my whole life; when I was a little kid if anyone in my family needed a stubborn label or sticker removed from something, they’d just give it to me. I think it’s part of my anxiety disorder.
If someone wanted me to do it as a sexual thing, I’d be a little surprised, but I don’t think it would bother me unless I thought they were fetishizing my anxiety.
thank GOD dan finally answered a GAY letter… i thought he was forgetting about us sick fucks
Best column in forever- I was laughing out loud.
So rad compared to last week’s usual, “I’m 18 and can’t orgasm- what do I do?” letters.
Good job, Danny Boy!
SKIN sounds like he has dermatillomania (a skin-picking disorder that makes picking irresistible – a weird mix of ocd, overgrooming to the extreme, perfectionism, and a release of endorphins).
As someone with the same damn thing, it’s not hard to see how it could be turned into a fetish. The way I see it, you can either A) get help to lessen the urge (I am all about GGG and indulging kinks, but we’re talking about a legitimate condition that involves self-mutilation), or B)find people dealing with the same thing. If nothing else, they won’t be grossed out, and you may find someone who will indulge (maybe even enjoy) your kink.
SKIN should look for a nice aesthetician to date! They’re used to picking at cysts/ingrown hairs/other gross stuff.
WORD shouldn’t worry about the 88’er too much on account of his being gay.
Most likely, he’s just a Nazi that sympathizes with Ernst Röhm, the leader of the SA Brownshirts who had a decidedly more–ahem–“Roman” ideal of military service and brotherhood.
WORD should be more worried about the fact that he’s a white-collar man; those Brownshirts didn’t take to kindly to no college boys.