I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he’s helped me overcome my fears of the “grossness” of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert—as a recipient.
He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it’s a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure—but no matter how much he cleans the area, I’m having trouble getting over two issues.
1. I’m submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his “dominant” role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to…
2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that’s trapping and producing the odors. I feel it’s too horrible to tell him, “I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds.” It’s also not fair, as he’s an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I’m willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits.
Can’t Go There
I don’t know how you get over it, CGT—hell, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just reading your letter.
I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it’s administered, isn’t just for butts on the men’s Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or—presumably—tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham’s butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there’s just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up—figuratively and literally—to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don’t think you’ll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn’t need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight, and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling him that you’ll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you’ve come to enjoy so much.
I’m a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: Every girlfriend I’ve ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I’ve been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy.
Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her?
Scab Kinkster In Need
It’s going to be that kind of column—the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish—which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name “phaneromania”—is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone’s scalp while he beats off isn’t something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don’t lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It’s the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: You’ll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you’ll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
I’m a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I’ve been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he’s horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it’s a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous “88” tattoo (which usually refers to “Heil Hitler,” with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I’ve seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He’s never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we’ve never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys—he knows I’m open and out—and I don’t think he’s planning for RAHOWA, but I’m wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive?
Worried Over Racist Dick
Color me intolerant, but I don’t think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions—but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit.
Doesn’t that 88 tattoo prove that he’s a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over—but you won’t know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he’s still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn’t see him anymore.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Do me a favor. Go to tinyurl.com/24rjpv7. Find “Colleen K.” Click “View profile.” Click “Like this.” Thank you.
Inasfar as the ’88’ goes, it may even be worse….he could be an Eric Lindros fan. 🙂
88 is the number of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s car.
No strings attached means NO STRINGS ATTACHED. If LW has been happily getting fucked by this guy for several years without knowing shit about his personal life (other than fetishizing his class status) it’s too late to start asking questions now. What else might he dig up? The guy could be a child molester. Or a Tea Party activist. Or a Justin Bieber fan. Who knows. Maybe he’s a university professor with a degree in french poetry who keeps a sham apartment and poses as a closeted blue-collar worker to fuck hypocritical gay guys as part of an elaborate kink. Dude, as long as he’s not moaning “Sieg Heil” as he comes in your ass, it’s not your business and none of your concern. Jeez. You’re getting fucked by him, not voting for him.
My boyfriend is overweight (though he carries it well and has an amazing butt, which maybe is a key mitigating factor.) He’s also really hairy. The couple of times he’s been waxed, it really did making licking his ass more fun. It’s also expensive, painful, and not on every guys “okay to do” list, so I get it he may not be down for that. But even if he did it once it might help you get over your block (or rather had it done–this is *not* a DIY project!. But lots of salons offer a “boyzilian,” and are used to dealing with blokes of all shapes, sizes, and hairinesses.)
Also, position is important. Get him over a couple of pillows with his ass up in the air, so you can spread it as wise as possible with your hands–then give him a swipe with a non-scented baby wipe. Having everything spread out keeps sweat (& hence “funk”) from accumulating. And you can always keep the box of wipes to hand for touch-ups. Or, try doing it through Saran wrap (better than dental dams). Not as much fun for him, but could be a first step.
And on the D/s thing, what everyone else said. If licking his ass is inherently submissive, so is having his cock jammed down your throat. Both can be seen as acts of service *or* acts of domination. A couple I know are in a very protocol-oriented D/s relationship, and she does things to him (under strict orders) that I would *never* have seen as submissive before–pegging, hardcore CBT, humiliation play, etc. Why is it submissive? Because he says it is, and he’s the boss. They’ve really opened my mind as to what D/s can be, and it’s pretty cool.
My boyfriend and I now occasionally decide to do a “topping from the bottom” scene where I tie him up and then do what I’m ordered to, and only what I’m ordered to. But that might involve pegging, slapping him around a bit, etc. D/s is all in the brain, not the activities. Give it a go. And really, waxing, spreading, and baby wipes. And if after all that you still can’t do it, fine. You gave it your all.
Can’t Go There should try a flavored dental dam, possibly with a heavily incensed room.
Can’t Go There should try a flavored dental dam, possibly in combination with some heavy incense in the room.
Sorry, didn’t mean to double-post.
White-supremacist tattoos are common on white men who have done major prison time because prison gangs are racially organized. Many of the men who get these tattoos hold no relevant convictions beyond a strong dislike of getting beaten.
Practically every female in my family picks at their own skin and other peoples’, if given the opportunity. I also know several other women not related to me that do the same thing, from a grooming perspective. My guess is that SKIN is just approaching this from the wrong direction. Women are socially conditioned to immediately say no to something if it seems outside the realm of the sexually pure, even if they otherwise wouldn’t have an issue with it, and even ones that are kinky will draw the lines at increasingly strange things. This is probably why fewer women are into fetishes in the first place. I bet that SKIN would have greater success if he did NOT approach it as a fetish for him, even though it is. Instead, something like, “My scalp is always bugging me, but it feels good to pick at it.” See if she eventually goes there, and then SLOWLY and casually work into masturbating during it. And by slow, I mean over multiple sessions. If she asks, just explain how good it feels (the scalp is a huge erogenous zone and most women can agree with that) and how relaxed you are. Don’t go into the gritty facts that you’ve been fantazing about jerking to a girl picking your skin for ages.
CGT – I can totally understand her problem, because I find myself in much the same position. I can recieve anal play (though I don’t particularly crave it and would easily give it up), but giving is very hard for me. In the interests of being GGG, I have learned to do everything but rimming. The trick – a shaved/waxed butt, freshly cleaned ass (as in straight from the shower to bed), and a partner willing to accept everything but rimming. If you think your partner is so unclean that even this won’t do, then make sure you’re not doing anything else sweaty and musky-making before the anal (i.e. get right to it, don’t have him shower and then fuck you for a while beforehand). Make sure he is REALLY cleaning his ass – I have known people that thought they were, but really weren’t doing a good job. Make sure he’s soaping and scrubbing his crack well and even going inside a little with his finger. If it’s STILL an issue, try doing it in the shower with him, even if he still is somehow not clean enough, the water should keep the smell away and you can immediately clean up anything that happens. I have a hard time believing that this is not a cleanliness issue that can be tackled, especially if you don’t think he has bad hygiene in general. Last but not least, the idea that giving anal can’t be a submissive act is silly, it’s all about how it’s done. In my mind, rimming in particular seems more likely to be submissive to give than recieve, but even pegging can easily be turned submissive as long as it’s done with the right attitude. Hell, especially if you don’t particularly like it!
@37 isn’t she talking about smell though? I can’t see how it would be such a huge issue during pegging.
Has the blue-collar guy ever been in prison? I know a few white guys who have been locked up, and they had to pretty much hang out with the white crowd, who basically were white supremacists. While they didn’t want to, they had to get at least one tattoo affirming their allegiance. This meant getting a tattoo that was some sort of white supremacist symbol, and they did it for protection and out of fear.
I usually read all the comments. Not today. A day too far indeed…
I want to strongly echo what @15 suggested. This nation is full of Dale Earnhardt, Jr fans, many of whom have 88 tattoos and most of whom, I suspect, have no clue about the Nazi thing. In my case if I saw an 88 I would definitely think Earnhardt. So unless the other tats scream out “skinhead,” WORD should first ask his blue-collar boy if he’s a NASCAR fan.
I feel a bit upset about the way Dan handled SKIN. OK, I don’t like his fetish either; still, there are people who feel the same way about homosexuals as Dan feels about SKIN’s fetish, and when these people write similar pieces talking about homosexuals: “It’s going to be one of that columns — the gay column — the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch and feels like throwing up every time homosexuality is mentioned.)”
I get it that Dan actually gave him good advice. But using a holier-than-thou tone when talking to a guy who has a rare fetish when he himself belongs to a sexual minority and knows what it feels like to be treated condescendingly because he’s not “normal”… I mean, even though this doesn’t classify as the kind of bullying that made the It Gets Project better necessary, it’s somewhere at the beginning of the track that leads to it. It’s the “condescending” tone that Dan would protest against if someone had used it against, say, BDSMers or foot fetishists (‘why, don’t you know that feet are icky and have dirt on their soles? My apologies to those who were having lunch…’)
People who’d call homosexuality “blessedly uncommon” tend to be bigots. Why behave like them, just because you happen not to share their fetish? I’m sure SKIN didn’t write to Dan to be told how much Dan dislikes his fetish.
The tattoo’d guy could be a hockey fan. I wanted to get an 88 tattoo once because my favorite player of all time was Eric Lindros, who wore 88 on his jerseys…then I found out about the ‘heil hitler’ thing and nixed the idea.
Sorry I didn’t finish the final sentence in the first paragraph of my previous comment — please add “… these people are called bigots. And more often than not, rightfully so.”
Admittedly this is along shot, but tattoo-guy could have been into Oldsmobiles in a big way – ya never know until you ask.
Maybe the possibly-nazi guy has a 8 inch girth as well as an 8 inch length, hence the tattoo?
Yo SKIN no worries, you’ll find your lady….
I have psoriasis (all over!), and when it gets dry (thanks New England winters) I’m a flaky mess….
I have an ex whom when we were dating would get all excited when she saw it in this state and would sit there and scratch at it and peel in with squeamish glee… very weird but it was lovely to have an itch scratched and to finally have some one love my skin issues rather than merely tolerate it!
@3
Thinking that other races are inferior and should die is a little more than “politics” and it should be a deal-breaker even for a NSA relationship. That being said, there are plenty of reasons why he might have that tattoo: prison time (in which case having that tattoo might not mean the person shares the belief) or perhaps he is a fan of Dale Earnhart Jr, Jeremy Shockey, Dez Bryant, Michael Irvin, and I’m sure the list of possible sports references goes on and on… however, if someone is a big enough fan of the Dallas Cowboys to have it permanently inked on their skin, that might be a pretty serious problem too.
AnathemaT: I like what you said about D/s is all in the brain (and attitude)m rather than the activities.
Lots of helpful advice, too.
My first thought regarding the 88 tattoo was that he might be an ex-convict. So, I’d want to know if that was the case, and if so, what he was in prison for – lots of crimes would be deal-breakers for me, even if he committed them a long time ago.
I think it’s ridiculous for you, Dan, to hijack the Cat contest for, presumably, your friend. It’s cheating plain and simple. She has over 10,000 votes compared to others with around 100 and one with 2,000… That is not fair. Shame on you. You should tell the contest people what you did and live with the consequences. I mean, it’s a silly contest, so who cares. But it’s wrong. It sure aint’ right.
And… bigots should be denied sex. Even with other bigots.
I think WORD has a bigger problem than just screwing a potential skinhead – he might actually be screwing a Dale Earnhart Jr. fan. That’s right, his boy toy IS INTO NASCAR!!!!!!
Run for your life, WORD!!!
I do really have to stop reading this over lunch! With regards to WORD, I was thinking along the same lines as 15 and 63. Additionally, it could have been his jersey number in high school or have some kind of other meaning. I might be inclined to asking.
I read this while eating lunch. I regret nothing*!
*everything
As for “Can’t Go There,” I find her issue and her claims of “submission” to be in direct contradiction with one another.
As a submissive myself, I have on more than one occasion been “told” to lick an ass that doesn’t smell particularly fresh… and yes, some of those asses were rather large. Well, guess what: too bad for me. As a submissive, it’s my job to do what I’m told and to learn to love it. If the plaintiff can’t deal with her Dom’s musky baskside, then too fuckin’ bad. Adjust now or give up on using the submissive label ASAP because you’re proving yourself to be anything but.
Re: WORD. The blue collar top could also be an ex-con. I’ve had a few friends with Nazi ink who needed gang alliances to get through prison. Hell, I’m Jewish, but thought I might do the same thing in that situation.
Regarding the white power tattoos, Dan, you will find that many prison populations have segregated by race and other distinctions so rabidly that even if a person is not racist himself, he may get these tattoos as a form of protection. Many of the segregated populations have distinct codes and symbology. There are even gay prison tattoos. http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/l… This only shows a little snip of the gay life in prison. That same program showed some of the varieties of prison tattoos and what they meant. I am not saying Mr. Blue Color with racist tattoos was in prison. But if he was, maybe he learned to like a little NSA action from an “eager to please” man.
whoa whoa whoa. wait just a minute – I have heard a number of gay men tell me that they don’t care if someone is a fearmongering Republican fanatic, if he’s hot and has a nice dick. They’ll bed them no matter what. I think I have even read a similar post from Dan. Are things different now for an older, wiser Dan Savage? Did you grow out of your no holds bar fucking ethics by telling WORD that he has to give up his NSA bigot?
Just another guy with a skin-picking girlfriend chiming in. It’s clearly sexual for her, since she only does it to me during foreplay. I always assumed this was one of the rare fetishes that’s more common among females than males, which seems to be supported by the anecdotal evidence here.
#77: As a submissive, it’s my job to do what I’m told and to learn to love it.
Good for you – you’re the kind of sub who wants to be forced to do things he wouldn’t normally do. But submission can take many forms, from wanting to be forced to do gross or painful things to simply wanting to feel a bit helpless during sex. I think our letter-writer with the fatass bf is the latter.
And even if she was a girl who liked getting her envelope pushed, apparently burying her face in stank-ass is just too damn far. In BDSM we call this a “hard limit”. Look it up.
If you really think submission always and only means doing anything your dom says, with no choice in the matter, no hard limits allowed, and no safewords…well, your dedication is admirable but you have very little idea how a typical D/s scene is properly and safely negotiated.
Have fun out there, and try not to die.
CGT: A shower followed by Saran Wrap are your friends. He might consider using a different soap to wash down there. Some just don’t cut the funk.
@83
perversecowgirl, is it possible to agree with a person more than 100%? “Submissive” is, thank god, a subjective term in the sexual lexicon. I count myself as a little bit submissive because I like to be beaten and tied up, but burying my face into a malodorous posterior is not something that I’d consider. Part of what makes BDSM awesome is that you don’t have to actually cede total control of your body to another person, but you get to play with it as though you do. If doing exactly as you’re told all the time gets you off, awesome. But that is not the only way to be submissive! Personally, if I’d started out with a dom who wouldn’t accept any limits, I’d have been turned off by the whole scene and never found out just how much I love bondage. And that would have been a tragedy.
I know a guy who was in jail for some white collar crime and ended up affiliating with the skinheads while he was there. His take was that you needed to join some group to be safe, and that was his. My take is that, however unsafe you might have felt while inside, the “SS” on your neck and giant swastika on your chest (among others) make you undesirable here on the outside. Her periodically spews some half-hearted nonsense about immigrants. He is obviously an idiot.
@ 83:
What you say is correct and I apologize for being vague in my response. I should have added that before one adopts a role of submission, one must first understand one’s limits AND be ready to express those limits/boundaries to his or her respective Dom. I always discuss my interests first, and I never play with a Dom who doesn’t want to know what I’m willing to accept or endure, but I am willing to let him challenge me and he usually has my permission to test my strength and resistance.
WITH THAT SAID, our letter writer admits to being a submissive but she has apparently not discussed her limits and concerns with her BF-Dom. Dan was correct in pointing out that she needed to communicate with him. If she is going to spend her life in a sexually submissive role, then she must speak up and express herself clearly. She has not yet learned the first rule of submission: the bottom is always and ultimately in charge. In other words… if she doesn’t want to eat the man’s ass, she doesn’t have to.
Truth, truly, is stranger than goddamn fiction.
Those were some of the most disgusting contributions I’ve read in a long time in your column Dan. Skin-picking?? Really?? WTF????
Let’s get back to the etiquette surrounding threesomes 🙂
I want to x the line successfully between fantasy & reality by turning my gf on with another guy & seeing her go nuts with 2 cocks & a lot of attention.
How do I cross that boundary in my mind & make it a reality?
I don’t think CGT is a submissive as much as a bottom. It’s not a full-fledged D/s dynamic, she just prefers to be a passive recipient rather than an active giver. She doesn’t want to plow any man’s ass, she just wants to lie there and take it. At least, that’s my impression…
@ 89
Yes, that was my perception too… Sometimes I joke I would like to be “submissive” like that, just tie me up and get me off, what a perfect excuse to lie back and be pleasured and not lift a finger to reciprocate 😉
#89: Sometimes I joke I would like to be “submissive” like that, just tie me up and get me off, what a perfect excuse to lie back and be pleasured and not lift a finger to reciprocate
Yeah…I’ve had a lot of guys approach me before who claimed to be subs but really were just…passive and/or lazy. Kind of disappointing.
#85: Part of what makes BDSM awesome is that you don’t have to actually cede total control of your body to another person, but you get to play with it as though you do.
RAWR. Well said. 😀
#87: WITH THAT SAID, our letter writer admits to being a submissive but she has apparently not discussed her limits and concerns with her BF-Dom.
It’s possible she told him at the outset all the things she likes and doesn’t like, but since she’d never tried assplay, she didn’t have an opinion on it…and he didn’t ask any hypotheticals. And now the assplay thing has come up and she’s trying to reconcile her desire to please with her desire not to eat a bunch of e.coli.
I mean, maybe she has communication problems and/or doesn’t know how to negotiate properly, but I’m inclined to give benefit of the doubt here.
@90 – exactly! I am really not submissive in any form, but my BF has tied me up a couple times in order to do just as you described… I figure, hell, if he likes it, who am I to deny him? ;-p
@87, you wrote: “the bottom is always and ultimately in charge”
Some people play that way, yes. Other people find that the bottom or sub sometimes falls into subspace when dommed, and can no longer communicate effectively. At such moments, it no longer makes sense to talk about that sub being in charge. Once you get beyond very gentle kink, doms are best off keeping that in mind. Just because your sub hasn’t safeworded, doesn’t mean he or she is enjoying the scene.
Christ, the D/s crowd sounds like a bunch of English majors debating grammar points. Submissive in the gerund form (submissiving) requires for the ‘s’ to pick scabs off hairy butts only if/when the object of the picking has been properly conjugated.
I clicked and it looks like Colleen K will be the winner. 🙂 What a great guy you are Dan. Happy Holidays.
88 means Heil Hitler?! NO!!!!!
My favorite number has now been ruined for me.
THANKS HITLER. (Geesh, of all the crap he could have done…)
Skin, keep looking. I’m pretty vanilla. Oral seems kinky to me. But I like grooming people. It’s not a sexual thing for me, but if I were dating a guy who got off on being groomed, I’d be happy to help him out.
Alas, my husband HATES it when I pick at his pimples, (and if he had scabs, he wouldn’t want me to mess with those, either.) Trimming his toenails from time to time is about as much as I get. And my kids have pretty much outgrown being groomed by mom.
Anyhow, I agree with the people who suggest you start out by requesting grooming, not a kinky sexual thing, and build up from there. Less scary. I bet lots of women would be willing to indulge you.
I’m glad to repay you Dan, even if it’s just clicking on a ‘like’ button for you!
Rock on Dan.
I’m glad to repay you Dan, even if it’s just clicking on a ‘like’ button for you!
Rock on Dan.
@15- Isn’t being a fan of Dale Earnhart Jr a deal breaker as well? lol
When I can get the image of a flabby funky White Supremacist holding his enormous butt cheeks open while flakes fall out of his hair like snow on the Himalayas out of my mind, maybe I’ll be able to have sex again. Some day.