I’m a 27-year-old divorced woman. I married the first man I ever had sex with, and we had a very vanilla sex life. He refused to try any play with dominant/submissive roles. My fantasies have always involved my submission.
My current boyfriend is very open and experienced. With him, I’ve tried being held down during sex, light bondage, dirty talk, gentle choking, etc. The sex is AMAZING. Here’s my problem: A few nights ago while we were watching TV and cuddling, he started to stroke my body. I asked if I could touch myself and if he would keep watching TV while I did it. I had the most intense orgasm of my life while he ignored me.
I said that I’d like to explore it more if he’s open to it (he is). My concern is that this submission might spill over into the relationship. I am NOT submissive in the relationship; we’re very much equals. I know that he sees it as a sexual kink and is very GGG, but I’m concerned that it could lead to him thinking that I want to be ignored in other aspects of the relationship.
Seeing as this is my second relationship and the first time I’ve been able to indulge my submissive desires, I might be worrying over nothing. I’m feeling like an emotionally leotarded, sexually repressed teenager.
Scared Of Submission
Keep talking to your boyfriend, leotard, and you’ll be just fine.
At first it struck me as odd that you would be troubled by a thoroughly sweet moment of soft-focus, fuzzy-bunnies dom/sub intimacy and not by the other, arguably more intense, SM games you’ve been playing with your boyfriend. There you are getting held down, tied up, talked down-and-dirty to, and “gently choked” (gentle or not, choking is a bad idea)… and you’re worried that being ignored while you masturbate takes you into new and dangerously submissive territory?
After a moment’s thought, I realized why this particular game troubled you so much: All of that other stuff took place in obviously sexual contexts, i.e., it happened in the bedroom while you were getting it on. This game—a game you initiated—began during a moment of not specifically sexual intimacy. You were cuddling, you were watching TV, you weren’t having sex. If dom/sub games can break out when you’re just sitting there watching TV, who’s to say that dom/sub games can’t break out when you’re doing the dishes? Or at the movies? Or having dinner with your parents?
You can have the dom/sub dynamics you enjoy without having to worry about them slopping over into other areas of your life, SOS, by being assertive, communicative, and vigilant. If you can ask a man to ignore you and keep watching TV while you masturbate, SOS, you should be able to say this to him: “Being submissive turns me on when we’re having sex—and the minute I started masturbating, we were having sex—but if you treat me like anything other than your equal when we’re not having sex, Sir, I will kick your fucking ass.”
My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate, like three tablespoons’ worth. The only thing I can think of is getting him most of the way there and letting him come on my face. Any advice on how I can do this for him?
GGG Sex Partner
I measured out three tablespoons of half-and-half, GSP, and you couldn’t drown a kitten in it, much less a GGG sex partner. An adult should be able to knock that back without much trouble.
Give the man a blowjob, GSP, and let him come in your mouth. If there’s too much ejaculate to swallow, or if you can’t manage to precisely time swallows to spurts, allow the excess ejaculate to run out of the corners of your mouth. If you don’t want to swallow any ejaculate, close the top of your throat when he begins to come and spit it all out—into your hand or onto a towel—or just let it run down and over his dick once he’s done.
I recently started college, and I met an amazing woman. Call her Jennifer. She’s talented artistically, poetically, and with a blade. I met her at the Renaissance Club, and the first time I saw her at Fight Circle I was intrigued. Older club members often adopt new club members. Jennifer and her girlfriend, Robin, adopted me as their daughter. A couple weeks afterward, we decided to have a pet/Mistresses relationship between the three of us. I was content with this because it would allow me to get closer to Jennifer. One night, she and I “slept” together, and soon afterward, Jennifer decided to put the pet/Mistress relationship on hold because she didn’t want to drag me into her relationship drama.
I’m not sure what to do: Should I wait for them to break up (they have been having arguments lately and Robin still isn’t aware that Jennifer and I “slept” together), wait for Robin to allow us to have a pet/Mistress relationship again, or just move on?
Ex-Pet Lesbian
Sword fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games—a lot has changed at Liberty University since I was an undergrad. Look, EPL, if Jennifer and Robin are falling apart, step back and be patient. That way you won’t be held responsible by the rest of Renaissance Club once you and Jennifer resume your pet/Mistress/mommy/daughter/whatever routine.
I am living with a man whom I deeply love. I recently noticed that he is watching porn when I am not around. My self-esteem crashed when I learned this because he often claimed to be too tired to have sex. At the same time, I noticed that since he started watching porn, we have had a lot more sex. Can you help me sort this out so I can bandage up my wounds?
Bummed By Porn
I get lots of letters from women—and some from men—complaining about “too tired for sex” partners sneaking off to watch porn. I had to read your letter twice to make sure I wasn’t seeing things: Your partner used to claim he was too tired for sex, which presumably bummed you out, but now that he’s watching a little porn, you’re having a lot more sex… and you’re still bummed out?
He’s using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it’s improved your sex life.
I’m a straight male who skipped the sleeping around phase and went straight to long-term boyfriend. Now in my 30s, I find myself wanting to make up for lost time. I’ve talked to my girlfriend of eight years about threesomes, arrangements, swinging—anything to sleep with other women and still hold on to my relationship. She has a low sex drive and doesn’t want to waste what little she has on other people. I’m stuck: Part of me thinks I can’t be happy sexually having never had a sexually adventurous phase, and part of me fears that I’m giving up a loving relationship for what others tell me isn’t a big deal anyway.
Stuck
Break up, I guess.
@46/47 – Most men, historically, have not been satisfied with monogamy. They’ll promise it, sure, but they don’t stick to it over the course of 40-50 years. So she can leave her man for someone who will promise her monogamy, but unless she can see the future, she can’t leave her man for someone who is guaranteed not to have these issues.
Wendykh — you’re sure he will never change? You’re sure you will never change? If hormonal changes meant you no longer wanted sex very often, would you kick him out the door for wanting more than you did, and trying to get it?
CupofCoffee– the premise here is that the man has been miserable for years. The woman has said, “I don’t care about your feelings, wants & needs. Deal with it.” The man is just refusing to accept that situation any more. I’ve met a million men like that — just most of them turn to lies instead of honesty when they refuse to accept the situation.
Forgive me for taking up the thread, but I’m on a one-woman crusade to persuade some men to try honesty instead of lies.
@50 – Fantastic!
@8 there are several sites for amateurs to upload their personal smut to. youporn xtube etc. You may have to look around a little bit as quite a bit of the stuff is obviously made by professionals, but there are plenty of videos obviously made by couples and shot with a home video camera on a tripod or POV handheld type stuff.
Dan, someone? Could you please elaborate on the any choking- even light choking- is a bad idea? As in at the point you are having your oxygen cut off it’s bad? Or, it’s dangerous even to have someone be a little rough with you with their hands around your neck? My newish partner has been a bit rough with me and I LOVE it, including putting hands around my neck and grabbing me, but not actually trying to choke the life out of me… I was going to ask him to step it up a bit (tonight in fact)but if this is a terrible idea, any thoughts on what is similar and safe, or where to draw the line (i.e. not using both hands, not having his hand at my throat in the front where it could hurt my wind pipe, etc.)
Thanks in advance
To be fair, I think what was meant by the dig about men needing extracurricular action was that the gf is described as having a very low sex drive – so future partners will either find themselves in the same situation as Stuck or have an equally low sex drive.
Way to be completely condescending to EPL just because you don’t “get” the whole pet-play thing. Guess you don’t have to be GGG to give advice these days.
Also, I really liked how you basically told SOS that she should show her boyfriend that she’s insecure and borderline bipolar by liking something and then getting shitty over it later. That’s exactly what she needs to do to have a healthy relationship.
I think danny boy needs his nap before he responds to any more letters because this week and the last two have all been shit.
SFOgirl, I strongly suggest you and your partner watch Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex. My partner and I watched it before trying anything involving the neck, and I’m pretty sure it saved us a few injuries.
Dan said to BBP, “He’s using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it’s improved your sex life.”
Uhmmm… not necessarily.
I’ve been married for 31 years to a milquetoast, unimaginative man who refused to have anything other than vanilla. I watched my sanity and sexual desire wither on the vine, so to speak, because, try as I might, I found nothing desirable about him after 20 years. Needless to say, our sex life suffered. He started using porn to “get his juices flowing” and yes, those juices came to me, alright… without benefit of any kind of foreplay. He just climbs on and… you know the rest.
I think you are all missing the point of BBP’s problem with his use of porn. They’re having more sex because of his lack of interest in her needs or pleasure. He’s only interested in doing what it takes to get himself aroused. There’s an issue bigger here than simply being too tired for sex.
Dan said to BBP, “He’s using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it’s improved your sex life.”
Uhmmm… not necessarily.
I’ve been married for 31 years to a milquetoast, unimaginative man who refused to have anything other than vanilla. I watched my sanity and sexual desire wither on the vine, so to speak, because, try as I might, I found nothing desirable about him after 20 years. Needless to say, our sex life suffered. He started using porn to “get his juices flowing” and yes, those juices came to me, alright… without benefit of any kind of foreplay. He just climbs on and… you know the rest.
I think you are all missing the point of BBP’s problem with his use of porn. They’re having more sex because of his lack of interest in her needs or pleasure. He’s only interested in doing what it takes to get himself aroused. There’s an issue bigger here than simply being too tired for sex.
@57
I totally agree with you, but I may be biased since Penny Flame is my absolute favoritest porn star ever. But I’ve seen scenes from that video you mentioned, and it’s pretty hot as well as educational.
@EricaP
[sigh]
I see your “advice” here every week, and it kind of makes me cringe. So you’re in a long-term relationship that opened up and you love it. Wonderful. (Really wonderful, not sarcastic wonderful… I wish every monogamous partnership that opened up had the same success). But everyone is not you, and people’s experiences are diverse.
Please, please stop telling people how “men” and “women” act. If you should have learned anything by being in an open relationship, it’s that we are all individuals and social norms need not apply. You have chosen to disregard the norm of monogamy, which is a huge “fuck you” to the establishment. Awesome! (Again, real awesome, not sarcastic awesome). And if you are a part of any kind of poly / non-monogamous / queer / socially subversive / unconventional community, you will undoubtedly meet people who buck all kinds of social conventions. Well, those of us who buck conventional sexuality tend to shirk gender norms too. Because they’re all related (and if you look hard enough, it can all be traced back to some pretty anti-feminist ideology).
So long story longer, the same historical precedents that gave monogamy its primacy, the ones you’ve chosen to disregard despite society’s pressure, also created and reinforce gender norms. You’ve already seen flaws in the “moral superiority” of monogamy…. its not much further to see how many of them apply to gender norms as well.
offfwhite @61 – I totally agree with you that this isn’t a men-are-promiscuous / women-are-undersexed thing. Lots of different kinds of people, lots of different kinds of sexuality. But if I start putting in nuance, I lose half my audience. Then I’d be the one getting into fights about “heteronormativity” from the other thread…
The fact remains, a large majority of the people complaining about not getting enough sex are men. And a large majority of those men are in relationships with women. So that’s who I’m speaking to, as that’s who I’ve been meeting now that we’ve opened up our marriage.
A whole big bunch of fucking cheaters. And I’m just optimistic enough to think that if I can get my point across, then one or two good marriages will last instead of the 40 year old wife feeling betrayed and leaving her husband.
@EricaP
Then you should be advocating introspection and communication, and most importantly not assuming people’s responses and preferences based on social trends. Challenging people to actually explore why their sexual needs, practices, preferences, etc are they way they are is far more productive than assuming they fit the mold and hoping they change without adjusting the mold.
@58 I agree.
Dan, I bet you wouldn’t be so pro-porn if gay porn were as bad as straight porn.
Gay porn is good. The guys are really enjoying themselves. Gay porn centers around what gay guys enjoy doing, and so gay guys watching it learn more about how to have good gay sex.
Straight porn is bad. The women are generally not into it. There’s no attempt to focus on what gets women off. Straight guys who watch too much porn think that’s how sex with women should be and they’re often worse at sex than guys who don’t watch porn. They become less aware of how to discern when a woman is turned on, and they think women come pre-shaved and ready to drop to their knees because there’s a penis present. They aren’t, and the internet is doing a disservice to straight sex.
Apparently I’m only the second person here to wonder why Dan said choking is bad. I know Dan doesn’t respond to these comments, anyone else have any idea why he would say something like that? I was quite surprised…
Okay, I don’t know much about the BDSM world, but I don’t understand how the encounter SOS described could possibly be considered a dom-sub situation. Or if it was, then she was the dom. She and her boyfriend were cuddling, he was stroking her, and she decided she wanted to masturbate while he continued to watch television. He agreed to go along with this. I don’t doubt that they have a dom-sub sex life in general, but this behavior doesn’t sound very sub to me.
Okay, I’m not well-informed about the BDSM scene, but I don’t understand how the situation SOS describes could be considered a dom-sub encounter. Or if it was, then she was the dom. She and her boyfriend were mutually cuddling, and she asked him to go on watching television while she masturbated. He agreed to go along with this. I don’t doubt that they have a dom-sub sex life in general, but where is that evident in this situation?
@65 Why choking is dangerous. Here’s the opinion of Jay Wiseman, who has been called multiple times to testify as an expert witness in BDSM (alleged homicide) cases:
http://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breat…
With a healthy subject:
The odds of five seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really, really, really low, but not zero. (A suffocation death from such a brief period is likely caused by the Valsalva effect, discussed below.)
The odds of 30 seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really, really low, but not zero. (Again, a death due to this brief a period of suffocation would likely have a Valsalva component to it.)
The odds of one minute of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really low, but not zero.
The odds of 90 seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are low, but not zero.
The odds of two minutes of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are, well, maybe those odds, they are not so low.
The odds of more than two minutes of strangulation or suffocation killing someone are, well, yeah, now it wouldn’t be too surprising if we had a major problem on our hands.
At five minutes, we very likely in serious trouble.
At ten minutes, there is likely little doubt.
At beyond ten minutes, there is virtually no doubt whatsoever.
@63: Great, you can get out there and challenge people “to explore why their sexual needs, practices, preferences, etc are they way they are.”
Meanwhile, I’m going to keep speaking to the guys who know what they want (more sex, with more women), but aren’t ready to admit it even to their partners, let alone explore the deep-seated reasons for their desires.
I just think some fraction of those guys (the cheaters I run into) will be happier if they find the balls to tell the truth to their wives (whom I don’t meet). (Like the guy @50.)
Sorry for being an internet bore about it.
@54
Choking is dangerous, sad to say. Part of the reason why it’s dangerous is because it’s hard to control or observe when it’s gone a little too far. And I don’t mean too far as in “oh shit, I killed my partner,” but in “oh, we noticed nothing out of the ordinary by now my girlfriend has minor brain damage.” Being a little rough in the neck area is risky. There are blood vessels that when even gently compressed deprive the brain of oxygen, and that will cause damage, especially if this is a regular part of your sex life. It’s the kind of thing that’s unlikely to turn you into a drooling vegetable, but it’s terrible for your long-term health. As I said before, you will probably not notice when you accrue tiny bits of brain damage over a long period of time. There is also the much smaller risk of unintentionally causing very serious, immediate damage or death, but I don’t think that happens very often.
@54 and 65:
Mistress Matisse recently wrote a comment on the subject of breathplay, here. Basically, there are two schools of thought on breathplay in the BDSM community: one that holds that it can be done more or less safely, and one that holds it’s a flat-out bad idea. Being the risk-averse, brain-cell-hoarding worrywart that I am, I fall into the latter camp. Of course, that’s just my two cents, what the hell do I know, et cetera et cetera.
And by “comment,” I meant “column.” DAMN IT.
Dan is right, break up Stuck. I dated a man who was a virgin when we met for 5 years. I knew he wanted to sleep with other people. Conveniently for us both, I fell out of love with him and wanted him to sleep with other people. We broke up, and he had his three years of debauchery, and is now in a happy committed relationship with someone else, after having plowed through scores of chicks.
Sure, he realized that what we had was amazing and he probably should have wanted to marry me when we were together, and that probably sucked, but in the end I’m happy, he’s happy, and thank goodness, he won’t be running out on his future wife when she’s pregnant to go sow his wild oats.
Sow away. Before marriage, before kids.
ps choking is bad because breath play can be extremely dangerous – ie death – if it goes too far. Some people get off on that, while others find the risks of death or brain damage or coma sexually unappealing.
@46 — Very eloquently written. More often than not, when I hear people getting preachy about how unrealistic monogamy is, I end up thinking: wow, grow up. I understand that only having sex with one person “goes against our primal natures” or whatever, but so does a LOT of stuff that I think we could all agree makes society more livable. And at some point, maturity needs to be factored into the equation as well. From my perspective, if you want to be with someone, BE with that person, and if you’d rather fuck other people, LEAVE the relationship and go fuck other people. Just be an adult and decide what you want.
Or maybe we should all just fuck everyone who looks even remotely fuckable and spend all day gorging on junk food because it feels good.
Priorities, people.
“My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate…”
He won’t ejaculate as much if he had an orgasm a few hours before. If he hasn’t come in a few days, he’ll have more stored up.
@75, what if two people love each other and want to spend their lives together, but they still want to play tennis with other people from time to time? Is that allowed? Or would that open the door to some crazy universe where they play tennis with anyone who looks like they might know which end of the racket is up? Plus, they spend all day gorging on junk food, because that’s really relevant.
@75 – well, thankfully, some of us out here recognize that there is room for a happy medium between “fuck only one person for the rest of your days on earth” and “fuck everyone who looks even remotely fuckable”. And that being a little restless sexually doesn’t always have to mean it’s time to leave someone you love behind forever. And that sometimes “being an adult” can accommodate having a relationship with one person while occasionally engaging in some play with someone else (safely, and with all parties aware and consenting).
We have our priorities, thanks, and we’re doing just fine. We’ve just arrived at a different place than you have.
@ EricaP — Shouldn’t you be busy having a better, more enlightened sex life than everyone else?
Funny column. Especially like the last response.
@EricaP, you come as condescending, like as a woman in a monogamous relationship, I’m wrong. I’m seriously glad you’re happy with your open relationship, but that doesn’t make all other forms of relationships wrong. Sure, I know my boyfriend thinks about fucking other people. I know I do (and yes, woman do too. It’s not ONLY men). I think about it, he thinks about it, and then I think about it, and then we think about each other. We are very open with each other about these feelings. We both had a couple years of playing around and it wasn’t fulfilling. I have never enjoyed sex more with anyone else and he feels the same way. That’s okay. Quit pushing your life style choices on others!! You aren’t better than monogamous couple or “more evolved” like so many polyamorous and open people. Everyone has a right to find their own happiness, just like you!!!
*They THINK their more evolved.* I was super annoyed when I wrote this. Sorry!
@75: Except that some people want non-monogamous relationships. It has nothing to do with “maturity,” it’s just a preference.
@66: She gets turned on by being ignored, as if he doesn’t care about her. It’s a form of being demeaned or humiliated. In BDSM scenes, it’s often the sub who decides what he or she wants, plans it out, and asks the dom to go along with it.
#8, try Nofauxxx…
#19, how do you know this about newbienudes? I’ve been a member there for five years and have given them my credit number too. but I’ve never had issues with their business practices.
Definitely agree with Dan’s response to BBP! My husband and I had some great (and much more frequent than usual) sex while on vacation in Spain. This is surely in part because we were less busy and more relaxed than we are during our regular working lives, but he also attributes his increased desire to being out and about amongst a bunch of highly attractive, scantily clad young Barcelonan women. All that eye candy definitely worked up his appetite and he’d pounce me almost daily the moment we got back to our hotel room. I had no problem with him looking, because I got to reap the benefits, so I feel grateful to all those sexy senoritas who helped make our vacation extra enjoyable!
I too do not enjoy swallowing, we’ve basically worked it out by me finishing with my hand OR even better, titty fucking. Works like a charm and I don’t have to swallow shit! or come
@79 and 81– I’m not trying to put down your life, I’m trying to speak to guys who are cheating on their partners rather than telling them the truth. Since your partners are happily monogamous — more power to you. Go enjoy your happy lives!
“Sword fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games—a lot has changed at Liberty University since I was an undergrad.”
Line of the year (so far).
@86, if your blowjobs lead to swallowing shit, I think you’re doing it wrong…
Agree with 34 about Stuck. It sounds like they aren’t very compatible anyway, but just because you’re suddenly single doesn’t mean you get the wild monkey sex you want, with the people you want all the time. It doesn’t really sound to me like he wants to never be monogamous, just that he wishes he could’ve started his long term monogamous relationship later in life. He’ll just have to eat the grass and see.
@8, seeing as you’re Canadian, maybe you’ll find this article interesting:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/fami…
I usually find this journalist to be on the annoying/misogynist side, but this one isn’t too bad.
@ Doctor Darcy
Did you even consider that it could have been Robin who asked EPL to be the pet? I think you’re being highly condescending considering that you don’t have all of the information about their relationship. She may have had an interest in Jennifer but it doesn’t mean that she didn’t care about Robin who was also her “mother”. After all, she did ask if she should just wait until Robin decides to allow the relationship again, so it sounds as if Robin had told Jennifer to tell her to end the pet/mistress relationship for the time.
Completely agree with 64… I had a completely misguided relationship with someone who allayed his insecurities through an over-dependence on conventional (and possibly exploitative, since we’re talking about it) straight porn. Thankfully I realized he was a d-bag and kicked him to the curb, but not before he had left me with a pile of my own insecurities about physical quirks which neither I nor any of my lovers had ever thought to question before, and which took an irritating (read: greater than zero) amount of time to work through. Never again! There’s porn watching, and then there’s porn watching, and I agree that Dan might not always be as sensitive as he could be to the difference between the two. Fascinating point about the possible gay/straight porn divide, 64, I’d never thought of it that way.
@ 24 google LARP. They’re a group of people who like to sew corsets, make foam swords, then go camping and run around in costumes chasing each other through the woods and beating each other up. Honestly, it’s awesome fun, makes you feel like a kid again. Obviously, it attracts people from a certain demographic, mainly pagan feminists, history majors, geeks, and BDSM enthusiasts.
Some of the groups are boring and weird, and others are interesting and fun. Two of the best I’m familiar with are SCA (society for creative anachromism), which is the most well-known and historically accurate, and Underworld, which is a Toronto-based, fantasy oriented version that’s a little more physically rough and tough (you sleep in your chainmail with one eye open, unlike other games where fighting ends at dusk).
for more informations go check out
http://www.sca.org/
http://www.underworldlarp.ca/
@74 when people say they’re into “choking” during sex, are most of them talking about breathplay? My sense is no. Whenever I’ve been “choked” during sex, it wasn’t hard enough to affect breathing or speech at all. I wouldn’t enjoy someone “playing” with my ability to breath for even a second, but it’s quite possible to put a little bit of pressure on someone’s neck without actually cutting off breath. Just like you can tie someone’s wrists without cutting off their circulation, etc. I do believe it could be dangerous of the dominant partner is drunk, doesn’t know his own strength, or can’t be trusted to make sure he’s not *really* choking you.
Lawrence fan @95
You don’t need to actually cut off breath to cut off oxygen to the brain. Applying even gentle pressure will do that, and while this is unlikely to kill you, it can easily cause minor brain damage. If it’s a regular part of your sex life, you can accrue more serious brain damage over time. A person can weigh the risks and benefits of choking and decide that the benefits win the day, but it is never a safe activity. There’s a reason why it’s possible to knock someone out by applying pressure to the neck while not cutting off their breath.
@96 Wrong, you need enough pressure to cut off blood flow to the brain for long enough for the brain to use all the oxygen it currently has. This is very unlikely to happen from gentle pressure.
I’m not going to downplay the risks of real breathplay or carotid massage (cutting off the blood flow to the brain) and I won’t wade into the debate on whether it can be done safely. However rough play around the neck is not the same thing and is very unlikely to have any long lasting effects if done in a reasonable manner.
EricaP (@69)…
Your intention is good. In human services it’s called “meeting people where they’re at,” and it’s a very respectful way to help empower people to help themselves. However, your execution is flawed…. you’re actually meeting people where you assume they’re at, which is actually where you are at, which is actually the opposite of meeting people where they’re at.
@97
No, gentle pressure can cause minor brain damage (and all gentle pressure to the neck restricts blood flow to the brain). What actually knocks a person out faster than oxygen deprivation is glucose deprivation, and both of these happen very, very quickly–with glucose, 3-4 seconds is all it takes. You don’t actually have to lose consciousness to be at a risk for brain damage, and you don’t have to completely cut off blood flow to hurt the brain. You are statistically unlikely to suffer noticeable brain damage from one instance of rough play around the neck, but if you do it a lot it will probably build up over time. People are free to try and do it in a reasonable manner, but since it’s actually quite difficult to control this type of thing, it is an inherently unsafe activity. If you choose to do it, you should do it infrequently. There is a reason why Dan classifies all choking as “never a good idea.” There is also the risk, however gentle the choking may be, that a person will lose control and cause serious damage or death. Since choking can escalate from relatively harmless to dangerous in a split second, the danger lies in the fact that a person need not lose total control for more than a moment to cause serious problems. It’s sort of like leaving a tied-up person alone–always a poor idea, even if nothing actually goes wrong. Will you suffer brain damage, even minor damage, from rough play around the neck? There’s a good chance you won’t, from one instance alone. But it’s a dangerous activity nonetheless. I realize this post is not very well written (caffeine taking awhile to kick in this morning), and I’m not trying to say that rough neck play will always hurt you, because it won’t. But your cost-benefit analysis, if you are considering gentle choking, really ought to take into account the fact that you can very easily be hurt, and very quickly, with even gentle pressure. And, after all, you’ve only got the one brain.
Note: I kept going back over and over this to add disclaimers. It’ll probably still annoy folks. Oh well.
I am always baffled by the seeming truth that there are more low-sex-drive women than men. I mean, I believe it based on overwhelming evidence, but it seems so counterintuitive (and yes, I’m going from the relatively small sample set of myself, my sisters and mom–yeah, I wish I didn’t know that, but we’re a TMI family on the female side–and all my female friends, so a highly flawed set since I probably tend to hang out with women who are similar to me, just by the way friendships work). But . . . but . . . many if not most women have the *ability* (whether they’re actually doing it more than once a day, or not, the plumbing is there) to be repeatedly if not multiorgasmic and have no refractory period. Even my highly-sexed 25-year-old boyfriend has never come more than 9 times in a day (and that was a highly atypical day, never repeated), and usually requires up to an hour before he’s ready to go again . . . and once he taps out, he taps out. He’s done. Women never need to be done. And yes, this assumes you know your body, like orgasms, have a willing partner, and don’t get sore, overstimulated, or cranky, and NCIS isn’t on. But still. Is it that weird?