I am 50 and a lesbian. I have had a pretty active sex life for the last 30 years. For the last three years, I’ve been with a woman I love very much. We have amazing sexual chemistry—by far the best I have experienced.
For the last two years, I have noticed that my clitoris is getting bigger. Not trans-man-takes-testosterone big, but substantially bigger than it has ever been. I thought it was due to a big increase in sexual excitement, but it soon became clear that the enlargement was a permanent thing. It gets much more erect than it used to and often throbs or twitches after I come.
No one’s complaining. I am enjoying the heightened sexual arousal, and my GGG girlfriend is thrilled. But why/how is this happening? Could it get even bigger? And why now? I hit menopause seven years ago, so it’s not some weird hormone surge. Could our sexual connection have caused this all by itself? I don’t really want to ask my gynecologist, though I did notice her checking out my equipment with wide eyes at my last checkup.
Stiffie Needs A Zipcode
“I always like to hear from people who are satisfied with their sex lives and relationships,” says author, sex researcher, vulva-puppeteer, and archrival sex-advice columnist Debby Herbenick, and I have to agree. Most of our mail comes from people who are unhappy with their sex lives and/or dissatisfied with their relationships. It’s always nice to hear from folks who are having fun. What’s not so nice is that we sometimes have to tell happy-and-satisfied folks that something may be seriously wrong.
“I would strongly encourage her to ask her gynecologist about her enlarged clitoris,” says Herbenick. “She should be very clear about when she first noticed this and roughly how much she thinks it’s increased in size. She needs her doctor to examine her clit and rule out various medical conditions that could cause hormonal problems. Sometimes these are benign health conditions; unfortunately, sometimes they include vulvar cancers, ovarian cancers, and adrenal cancers that, for example, may present with symptoms including an enlarged clitoris.”
Some women believe their clitorises “grew” after menopause, but that’s not usually the case. When estrogen levels drop during menopause, other parts of the vulva—such as the labia—can become flatter or less prominent, which can in turn make the clitoris appear bigger. “However, she’s been in menopause for a long time,” says Herbenick, “and it sounds like the clitoral change happened well into menopause.” And amazing sex does not supersize clits: “High levels of arousal usually result in only a temporary swelling of the clitoris,” says Herbenick.
So make another appointment to see your doctor, SNAZ, “and keep asking questions until she’s sure that medical conditions, such as cancers, have been ruled out,” urges Herbenick. And if your gynecologist doesn’t want to discuss your megaclit or was too stupid to spot what could be a symptom of common lady-parts cancers (!), time to get a new gynecologist.
My husband is beautiful, awesome, etc. Unfortunately, his dick is small. It wasn’t so bad our first few years together; he knows how to work what he’s got. But then I had a baby, and I tore. A few days later, my stitches tore. At my six-week checkup, I asked why I couldn’t get restitched and the doctor told me, “Vaginas are very forgiving.” But a year later, Kegels aren’t helping and both of us are having trouble getting off.
I want to get a vaginoplasty to fit him, but I’ll have to wait till we’ve saved up enough money to pay for it. Please, Dan, tell me how to have hotter sex with a small dick and a shredded kitty.
Unforgiving
“Many women who have had multiple or traumatic births—and it sounds like she had a good deal of tearing—have some degree of prolapse,” says Herbenick. (A uterine prolapse, says the Wiki, “occurs when the female pelvic organs fall from their normal position, into or through the vagina.”) “If she did have prolapse,” says Herbenick, “she may be a candidate for anterior or posterior vaginal wall repair, which is quite similar to vaginal ‘rejuvenation’ surgeries, and then insurance may cover the surgery.
“Some people will wildly disagree with me and say that women shouldn’t have surgery ‘to please their man,’ but I don’t see that here,” Herbenick adds. “I see two people who are married and want better sex, and she may have experienced some physical changes that have affected that. And there are ways to fix it.”
Debby Herbenick is the associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, a book that I strongly recommend even though Debby once attacked me with a vulva puppet in a room full of people.
I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Grange, a local restaurant, has a cocktail called “GGGinger.” Is it possible for a cocktail to be GGG? And how does it feel to have inspired one?
Curious Cocktail Connection
A cocktail can’t be GGG, CCC, but a couple of cocktails—enough to take the edge off inhibitions, not so much to make consent unpossible—can induce GGG. And, I’m saddened to report, the GGGinger’s Gs refer to three of the gin-based cocktail’s ingredients—ginger beer, candied ginger, and ginger syrup—and not to the Savage Love meme “good, giving, and game.” Still, Grange co-owner Brandon Johns is confident that his GGGingers have inspired GGG behavior all over Ann Arbor. “It’s been our most popular drink since we opened,” says Johns, “so it must be doing something right.We also do pitchers of them, and when a couple shares one of those—let’s just say that something good is bound to come of that.”
And in other, more successful Savage Love memes… Former US senator and current presidential candidolt Rick Santorum “opened up” to Roll Call last week about his “longtime Google problem,” aka “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and always the
number-one search result when you Google the former senator’s last name.
“It’s one guy,” Santorum told Roll Call. “You know who it is… It’s unfortunate that we have someone who obviously has some issues.”
I do have issues—I have lots of issues—but I take particular issue with politicians who compare loving, stable same-sex relationships to “man on dog” sex, as Santorum has done, or who would ban same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples, as Santorum has promised to do if he gets elected president. But the lowercase s santorum campaign wasn’t “one guy.” A lot of people were involved—from the Savage Love reader who first suggested that we redefine his name to all the folks who’ve written about it over the years (thanks, Roll Call!)—just like a lot of people were involved in turning Rick Santorum out of office in 2006, an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.
The website that’s still giving Rick Santorum fits—www.spreadingsantorum.com—hasn’t been updated since 2004. But we will be relaunching the site in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Dan Savage for president!!!
Santorum is just mad because he keeps getting his name caught between his teeth, thus tying his public caricature and his pathetically closeted intern couch time together..
Am I missing something, or does the reply to Unforgiving not answer her question? It seems like Unforgiving was saying “I want surgery to fix this, but until I can afford the surgery, what else can I try?” and the reply was “Hey, surgery might be able to fix that.”
@3 Oh, never mind, I see now that the point was that she could get it covered by her insurance. So the reply wasn’t entirely unhelpful, but still, how about giving her some non-surgical suggestions too?
Relaunching http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/?
That sounds FAB-U-LOUS! I can’t wait!
Geez, loads of things can cause virilization in a post-menopausal woman, and NONE of them are good. My gut clenched when I read that letter. I hope that lady is ok and that whatever the cause, they catch it in time to fix it.
Doctors aren’t eager to restitch things down there after the birth. The mess from my first birth didn’t get fixed until my second kid was born. So don’t believe your doctor that vaginas fix themselves. I like Herbenick’s advice to look into surgery again.
But, fingers & tongues also work on vaginas, and oral sex works for many penises, and anal can be a lot more fun for the bottom if the top has a relatively small penis. So until you get that surgery, you do have many options…
Actually I just checked and Ricky-poo is actually Third on the list, the Spreading Santorum site is #1, but the wiki article is #2.
Okay, what’s a vulva puppet?
Hunter78,
Go chug some santorum, you half-witted misogynistic asshat.
His name probably too common to have has much fun with, but I would love to see Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s name be redefined, or at least associated with some new definition. Sarah Palin brought us the “Anchorage Steamer,” for example.
Thanks, echizen_kurage. I have great sex with my husband, so it’s easy to ignore H78’s insults. But I fear for other women, intimidated into disbelieving their own experiences. A woman who speaks out honestly about her sexual experiences is told there must be something wrong with her, if she didn’t get satisfied by all that dick. Next thing you know, uppity women might refuse to “surrender” to the almighty dick. What a tool.
WTF? SNAZ can’t talk to her gynocologist about her twat? Her GYNOCOLOGIST?? What the hell are her exams like, anyway? “Hi, SNAZ, could you spread a little more?” “Well, hello, doctor. Nice shoes you are wearing, can we talk about the upcoming election?”
Really, SNAZ – grow a pair to go with that clit and talk to your doctor.
And I hope it all turns out OK.
“…an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.”
Santorumslide? Pure gold!
Post #10 has me convinced: no anal ever. Good to have that settled.
Santorum is a has – been who is hinting at a presidential run in a desperate hope of being picked up as VP, or at least as a FOX talking head.
Little chance of the former, though the latter is a sad possiblity. But I eagerly await the relaunch of the only Santorum website worth visiting…
@ 10 – One thing you’ve made clear for all of us: you most definitely are an even worse lay than those EricaP talks about.
@Unforgiving
In the mean time, you might want to try anal sex for a tighter fit for your hubby, and a larger toy for yourself. If you are new to anal sex, work up slowly. You could even try both at the same time. The combination worked well with my last partner!
Let all hope that http://www.spreadingsantorum.com keeps him from getting anywhere close to public office again.
Wow! Hunter78 (#10) is a total prick. Let’s all hope that someone get’s some http://www.spreadingsantorum.com on his precious dick soon.
You know, I’m not a huge tech person, but I hope that with the relaunch of http://www.spreadingsantorum.com it will become the no. 1 search result not just for “santorum” but also for “rick santorum”, “santorum 2012”, and other election related search terms. Tech savvy at risk youth, can you make that happen?
“santorumslide”
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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@10 Let me guess. You’re a level 3 offender, right?
I’m starting to think we have to go back to the ’90s to find a Savage Love column that actually features interesting letters.
Hey EricaP and idiot @10, where can we find the beginning of that conversation?
santorumslide. I like that.
#16…don’t let that douche Hunter turn you off anal….most non-fucktards *love* anal and “respect you even MORE” if you are willing to give it a go. Hell, makes me come like gangbusters 😉
I find it odd that SNAZ’s gyno “checked out” her megaclit and didn’t say anything to confirm or deny there was a potential problem. Guess SNAZ is going to need to bring it up first.
@amandariffic, I think this will explain: http://www.mysexprofessor.com/columns/th…
Once again we have the ladies lining up to bash the guys.
1. (from the column) “women should not have surgery to please there man.” Ahh, now I understand. If you do something to please your man, even if it also pleases you, then you are a whore submitting to nightly rape. Got it. Ladies, do you have any fucking idea how many men would get a dick enlargement if that was available? How about almost ALL of the small dicked guys in the entire world. Wait, they should not do that because it might please the women. Sauce for the goose?
2. The bashers of #10 demonstrating his point. In case you missed it #10 referenced the penultimate (straight) male fantasy of penetrating a woman. He then noted his pleasure in achieving anal penetration was, in part, attributable to the pursuit of tail and “winning’ the conquest. These emotional objections are all a part of the feminization of our culture. Anything remotely and uniquely male is castigated, chastised and labeled as deviant, sexist, pervert, rapist.
Imagine how UNOFFENSIVE it would be perceived if a fag had commented how he likes the conquest of male butt and how he never looks at his lover in the same way after he has been inside his ass.
News flash for you feminazis on this board: Since so many of you have never been with a man here are some facts. (Most) Men are turned on by the chase. Men are excited by a challenge. Men are excited by the chance to score by convincing a coy mistress to accede to his desires and yes, men are very excited when they can ease it inside an extra tight space while the women moans to go slow, it is too big….
If y’all would pull the wad out of your panties and get your tongue out of your girlfriends twat you might stop thinking of “normal” male sexual behavior and very legitimate sexual feelings as rape, or oppressing women, or as evidence of the entrenched patriarchy perpetuating the gender dialectic. You would then be better able to deal with your reflexive hatred and jealousy of men and also whatever additional erratic, emotional, clueless reaction you might have.
@26, it’s just last week’s Savage Love column, Safety Valve, now up to 302 comments. Troll wanted more attention, that’s why he took the unusual step of continuing the insults from that thread over here.
Newsflash to the “Professor”: I am not bashing guys. I LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE men. I just think Hunter is a misogynistic douche. As are you.
The post where he stated that he “felt differently” about a woman who let him up her ass implyed he felt less of her, like she was a dirty piece to be promptly disposed of. The *very few* men I have granted access to my ass have felt honored, as they knew they have reached a level of trust I have reserved for only a tiny, tiny few (ok, TWO) men in my life. Sexually excited? Of course, but also knew what it meant, and Hunter implied JUST the opposite….instead of being a position of trust and honor, it made him feel his partner was cheap and a whore.
@31 – you’re the first person to bring up rape on this thread. Projecting much? It came up in last week’s SL column when I talked about two guys this year who inserted their dicks in my unlubed ass when I had said specifically that wasn’t okay. That fall outside the definition of rape for you too? Just “normal male sexual behavior”?
@11 that brand of sex-negative man hating douche feminist isn’t really present on this board. Save your vitriol.
And damn, poor Unforgiven. i love dick!! oral sex is oookay, but I would be miserable if dick didn’t do it anymore. Makes elective C-sections look mighty attractive.
@34, if this has happened with two different guys in one year (I’m not sure if this was a group thing or separate incidents), then that moves things from anomaly to a pattern, and you may seriously want to consider your screening process / signals that you’re giving off before/during intercourse. You’re right to consider this rape, but the fact that it happened twice to you is extremely striking,..
Did the first letter sound like a fake to anyone else? The imagery, not to mention description of inappropriate behavior by her doc, all scream phony to me…
I think “stiffy needs a zip code” as a pen name is hilarious! Awesome sense of humor. I’m just sorry that a medical pro. thinks there might be an underlying issue with the recent growth, good luck with that. Remember your sense of humor when you talk with the gyno.
@36 (freshnycman)…
Nice victim-blaming! It’s striking (though not surprising) that 2 men thought this was an appropriate thing to do to a woman.
Hope you all caught Steven Colbert’s segment about Santorum Monday!
Hunter78, Professor, speaking as a man who has undoubtedly had more pussy in his life than the two of you combined: Shut up and fuck off. The reason women won’t have sex with you isn’t because they are bitches and feminazis: it is because you are both giant assholes whose fear and loathing of women radiates from you like the stench of flopsweat.
Ladies, on behalf of my gender: sorry about those guys. We think they are pricks too.
@ Professor Troll —
Penile implants are actually available. You should probably stop trolling and go get one.
If your kitty is prolapsed, have anal sex instead. I mean, it’s right there. Give it a shot!
@41: please don’t think that you have to apologize on behalf of your gender any more than we (ladies) ought to apologize for Sarah Palin and the like.
@31: she specifically says that the woman is NOT getting surgery to please her man! she’s just making the point for OTHER women out there that they shouldn’t feel pressured to change their vaginas regardless of what a dude says to them. but then makes it clear that that’s not what’s happening here. sheesh, defensive much?
Great advice, as usual, Dan. My only criticism is that you were too hard on the gynecologist (“too stupid to spot what could be a symptom of common lady-parts cancers.”) The size of clits varies from person to person. Some are naturally larger than others, just like penises. The gynecologist won’t remember from year to year just how big a certain patient’s clit was. It’s the patient’s responsibility to bring up any concerns she has, including changes she has noticed.
SNAZ is assuming the doctor was wide-eyed about the size of her clit. But for all we know, that doctor was just doing another routine exam when she suddenly remembered she left the bath water running at home.
@16 certainly not with ppl who have @10’s mindset, that’s for sure! Ugh.
Looking forward to the relaunch of spreading santorum. I’ll do my part with the link love 🙂
Obama has decided DOMA is unconstitutional and will recommend it be overturned in addition to stopping defending it in court!
Also, hilariously subversive Colbert last night instructing people to Google-bomb Santorum even more.
@36 This year was an experiment in trying to find hot sex with strangers who charmed me online. What I found was mostly bad sex. This was covered in last week’s SL thread, where I came to the conclusion that, yes, I should change my approach. I’m now focusing on getting to know people in sex-positive social circles (poly, bdsm) so that the guys I sleep with know that they will see me again, socially. I think lack of accountability is a major part of the reason I had so much bad sex.
I’m not so interested by the 2 guys who may have crossed the rape line. (One was “an accident” and the other was a D/s scene with an inexperienced dom who thought he could rely on me safewording if I didn’t like him ignoring my stated boundaries. He forgot that he had told me to be quiet. I play edgy games with strangers…I own that and I don’t call these incidents rape, myself.) I’m more interested in the 11 out of 11 NSA guys with whom the sex started okay and then got crappy, for me.
I liked badgirl’s advice @293 in that thread: “Some of the crappiest ones were downright inconsiderate, but I always got out of there as soon as possible after discovering this.” If I had gotten up and left when I stopped having fun, that would have eliminated a lot of time spent enduring bad sex. I liked most of the guys, personally, and I enjoyed the first bit, but I would stick it out to try to get them to orgasm, even after I stopped having fun. They didn’t feel that obligation towards me, and I do see that as a difference in how (most) men and women are socialized.
@41 Way to go.
For the lady with the shredded kitty (hysterical choice of words!), may I suggest the We Vibe II. It’s a u-shaped insertable vibrator for couples. One end stimulates the clit and the other end is inserted for g-spot stimulation. It has the added benefit of making your vag feel tighter. And the vibrations should help both you and your husband get off.
@36 Two incidences do not a pattern make, asshole. Is it that hard for you to imagine that two men might force themselves unwanted on the same woman in one year?
@41 Thank you.
@44 I think we are actually partially responsible for Sarah Palin. It’s time for people of every gender to look at the people who are making the rest of us look like assholes and say “Stop it, that’s not okay.” Kind of like the NALT Christians that Dan’s always talking about.
@Hunter & Professor: I take much pleasure and satisfaction in knowing that I can get laid any time I want by a whole host of men who treat me with respect and not like their personal cumbuckets, as you two must do with the few, unfortunate women who have been desperate enough to sleep with you.
@SNL – totally smelled a fake. Fakity fake fake. “wide-eyed” gyno? Fake. This is a crossdresser who is fantasizing about how he could have grown a dick from a pussy, as men who cross-dress often do.
@Hunter – until you’ve fucked ten men, you don’t know how many are shitty in bed. I have, she has, and we both say the majority are shitty. As does every other woman I know with double digits under their belt. It does depend on who you’re fucking, however – as I said before, NSA guys are not well-known to be generous and talented lovers. If you’ve only fucked long term boyfriends, your “good” percentage may be higher because you’ve trained them. And they have a reason to want you to keep coming back.
It super sucks that you were victimized like this, EricaP. That it happened twice in a year may be partially because they were NSA guys. But not necessarily, fresh. Most women report having been sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives – and until you understand just how widespread and common women being touched without permission, ignored about their limits, pressured and yes, raped, you sound like an idiot blaming her for what happened. Let me tell you what probably happened in that man’s head and you tell me if it sounds similar to anything your buddies have said: “She’s just a slut, man.” “She wants it, you can tell.” “I did X to her.” To her, not with her, notice. “A few drinks will loosen her up” “I got mine” “She said no at first but then she let me”. Until men stop seeing sex as a “conquest” and women as “surrendered” these assaults will continue. Sex isn’t something you can steal or earn. It’s a shared experience.