I am 50 and a lesbian. I have had a pretty active sex life for the last 30 years. For the last three years, I’ve been with a woman I love very much. We have amazing sexual chemistry—by far the best I have experienced.
For the last two years, I have noticed that my clitoris is getting bigger. Not trans-man-takes-testosterone big, but substantially bigger than it has ever been. I thought it was due to a big increase in sexual excitement, but it soon became clear that the enlargement was a permanent thing. It gets much more erect than it used to and often throbs or twitches after I come.
No one’s complaining. I am enjoying the heightened sexual arousal, and my GGG girlfriend is thrilled. But why/how is this happening? Could it get even bigger? And why now? I hit menopause seven years ago, so it’s not some weird hormone surge. Could our sexual connection have caused this all by itself? I don’t really want to ask my gynecologist, though I did notice her checking out my equipment with wide eyes at my last checkup.
Stiffie Needs A Zipcode
“I always like to hear from people who are satisfied with their sex lives and relationships,” says author, sex researcher, vulva-puppeteer, and archrival sex-advice columnist Debby Herbenick, and I have to agree. Most of our mail comes from people who are unhappy with their sex lives and/or dissatisfied with their relationships. It’s always nice to hear from folks who are having fun. What’s not so nice is that we sometimes have to tell happy-and-satisfied folks that something may be seriously wrong.
“I would strongly encourage her to ask her gynecologist about her enlarged clitoris,” says Herbenick. “She should be very clear about when she first noticed this and roughly how much she thinks it’s increased in size. She needs her doctor to examine her clit and rule out various medical conditions that could cause hormonal problems. Sometimes these are benign health conditions; unfortunately, sometimes they include vulvar cancers, ovarian cancers, and adrenal cancers that, for example, may present with symptoms including an enlarged clitoris.”
Some women believe their clitorises “grew” after menopause, but that’s not usually the case. When estrogen levels drop during menopause, other parts of the vulva—such as the labia—can become flatter or less prominent, which can in turn make the clitoris appear bigger. “However, she’s been in menopause for a long time,” says Herbenick, “and it sounds like the clitoral change happened well into menopause.” And amazing sex does not supersize clits: “High levels of arousal usually result in only a temporary swelling of the clitoris,” says Herbenick.
So make another appointment to see your doctor, SNAZ, “and keep asking questions until she’s sure that medical conditions, such as cancers, have been ruled out,” urges Herbenick. And if your gynecologist doesn’t want to discuss your megaclit or was too stupid to spot what could be a symptom of common lady-parts cancers (!), time to get a new gynecologist.
My husband is beautiful, awesome, etc. Unfortunately, his dick is small. It wasn’t so bad our first few years together; he knows how to work what he’s got. But then I had a baby, and I tore. A few days later, my stitches tore. At my six-week checkup, I asked why I couldn’t get restitched and the doctor told me, “Vaginas are very forgiving.” But a year later, Kegels aren’t helping and both of us are having trouble getting off.
I want to get a vaginoplasty to fit him, but I’ll have to wait till we’ve saved up enough money to pay for it. Please, Dan, tell me how to have hotter sex with a small dick and a shredded kitty.
Unforgiving
“Many women who have had multiple or traumatic births—and it sounds like she had a good deal of tearing—have some degree of prolapse,” says Herbenick. (A uterine prolapse, says the Wiki, “occurs when the female pelvic organs fall from their normal position, into or through the vagina.”) “If she did have prolapse,” says Herbenick, “she may be a candidate for anterior or posterior vaginal wall repair, which is quite similar to vaginal ‘rejuvenation’ surgeries, and then insurance may cover the surgery.
“Some people will wildly disagree with me and say that women shouldn’t have surgery ‘to please their man,’ but I don’t see that here,” Herbenick adds. “I see two people who are married and want better sex, and she may have experienced some physical changes that have affected that. And there are ways to fix it.”
Debby Herbenick is the associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, a book that I strongly recommend even though Debby once attacked me with a vulva puppet in a room full of people.
I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Grange, a local restaurant, has a cocktail called “GGGinger.” Is it possible for a cocktail to be GGG? And how does it feel to have inspired one?
Curious Cocktail Connection
A cocktail can’t be GGG, CCC, but a couple of cocktails—enough to take the edge off inhibitions, not so much to make consent unpossible—can induce GGG. And, I’m saddened to report, the GGGinger’s Gs refer to three of the gin-based cocktail’s ingredients—ginger beer, candied ginger, and ginger syrup—and not to the Savage Love meme “good, giving, and game.” Still, Grange co-owner Brandon Johns is confident that his GGGingers have inspired GGG behavior all over Ann Arbor. “It’s been our most popular drink since we opened,” says Johns, “so it must be doing something right.We also do pitchers of them, and when a couple shares one of those—let’s just say that something good is bound to come of that.”
And in other, more successful Savage Love memes… Former US senator and current presidential candidolt Rick Santorum “opened up” to Roll Call last week about his “longtime Google problem,” aka “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and always the
number-one search result when you Google the former senator’s last name.
“It’s one guy,” Santorum told Roll Call. “You know who it is… It’s unfortunate that we have someone who obviously has some issues.”
I do have issues—I have lots of issues—but I take particular issue with politicians who compare loving, stable same-sex relationships to “man on dog” sex, as Santorum has done, or who would ban same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples, as Santorum has promised to do if he gets elected president. But the lowercase s santorum campaign wasn’t “one guy.” A lot of people were involved—from the Savage Love reader who first suggested that we redefine his name to all the folks who’ve written about it over the years (thanks, Roll Call!)—just like a lot of people were involved in turning Rick Santorum out of office in 2006, an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.
The website that’s still giving Rick Santorum fits—www.spreadingsantorum.com—hasn’t been updated since 2004. But we will be relaunching the site in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@16 for women nervous about anal, I wanted to add that in addition to lube & warm-up play, I highly recommend the woman-on-top position. When I’m in control of the depth and speed of penetration, I am able to relax much more.
@48 (EricaP)…
As a fellow poly girl (and proud slut), I can totally identify with you on this. It’s part of the process of unlearning/reframing a lot of the messages about sex we’ve been hearing our whole lives. As women, one of the primary messages of empowerment we receive (sanctioned by sex-negative culture) is that we have a right to say “no” (I do not minimize the importance of this message, but on its own it’s insufficient and leaves girls without a model for empowered chosen sex).
As I embraced sex-positivity, I spent the entirety of my 20s indulging my right to enthusiastically say “yes.” The downside of that is that I actually got kind of bad at saying “no.”
It can be weirdly difficult to find where “no” fits in a sex-positive identity, and it sounds like you’re navigating that right now. But I think your plan sounds good, and I’m glad the experiences that led to this didn’t cause you harm. Just remember that saying “no” is just as much a part of getting what you want sexually as saying “yes” and “right there” and “harder, please!” (which I know you are a fierce advocate of 😉 )
@53 Yes! One problem is that guys don’t take absence-of-enthusiasm as a “no”. They take it as “yes.” So to change an unpleasant activity, I have to say “no,” but it’s hard to keep the interaction friendly and sexy while saying “no.” So I put up with things I don’t like, out of niceness or in (unrealistic) hope of getting back to “yes” and “harder, please” and “don’t stop!!”
Just want to chime in with @45 that everyone has a duty to be a “good patient” and tell the health care provider of ANY changes in anatomy or symptomology. Don’t expect them to remember anything from visit to visit – personal responsibility, people!
For the stretched out lady: I’m surprised Dan didn’t suggest the simple, one-word solution: ANAL!
She’s 50 and she’s “been in menopause for a long time”?? On what planet?
@57 I have a friend who started at 35. Lot of variation.
I make it a habit to check the site at least daily. If all of dan’s readers did that……
I love that santorum has earned the googlehack of his name and I feel he should not be allowed to run a family, much less an office. With that said I am not sure it would really make a difference.
Joe Biden is a heinous, pro-corporate, anti-individual right, pro-FBI, pro-warrant-less-search asshat and he still became the VP.
The less said of Cheney the better.
The less said of Gore the better, but at least he had a decent rep on most levels before he became VP.
Quayle… LOL
You get the idea that it will not limit his VP chances. Now, let us think about it harming his presidential campaign… The people dumb enough to vote for him will consider it a badge of honor that we think he is a putz, and the corporations will not look past his willingness to work for them rather than for the people.
@EricaP: So to change an unpleasant activity, I have to say “no,” but it’s hard to keep the interaction friendly and sexy while saying “no.”
In a situation where your partner isn’t violating your boundaries but they’re not really pleasing you, either, try forgoing “no” (or other negative phrases) and ask for something you do want instead. This way you can still be friendly and sexy and kinda sidetrack the person from whatever icky thing they were doing.
‘Course if your partner is deliberately violating your boundaries, feel free to haul out the “no” as well as the “WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSWIPE GET OFF ME” (if you feel you can do so without things escalating to violence, of course). A loud, direct, unwavering NO can be a very effective teaching tool for certain kinds of pushy, manipulative guys.
Yeahhh…I don’t see how anal would generally be more pleasing for a woman than vaginal sex. Imagine if she messes up anal…then she’ll have a shredded kitty and a shredded anus!
My first time having anal was also unlubed and a “surprise,” at least to me. And it was also a NSA guy from the internet. So I’m not at all surprised that this happened to EricaP, although it is still disgusting behaviour on the men’s part. No, two guys out of 11 doing this is not a pattern, nor is it at all EricaP’s fault.
@#9: A vulva puppet is a stuffie/hand puppet, made of various fabrics and other materials, which resembles a stylized vulva, complete with clit you can make erect by pulling a string in the back of the vulva. I had the opportunity to stay in the San Francisco guest house run by sex performance artist Dorrie Lane about 15 years ago, and got to see dozens of these cute things up close and personal. The ones I saw are about the size of a throw pillow, and can be used as such (but why would you want to?):
http://www.houseochicks.com/
If you can cringe through the perpetually bad spelling and grammar, this site is interesting to navigate. I believe Dorrie now makes a miniature version, as well as custom versions.
perversecowgirl@61: Thanks, you’re right that redirection is a useful approach. I need to train myself to move mentally from “ick, I don’t like this” to “what do I want?” Once I’ve named that new thing in my own head, whether it’s a sexual activity or a drink of water or putting on my clothes and walking out the door — it will definitely be easier to focus on getting it.
@63, thanks for the support, sorry that happened to you too, and hope you’ve had many better experiences since.
Another hearty agreement with @ 41.
H78 and Prof are tools. For those of us males who are thoughtful and attentive in the sack, those kind of human pimples really poison the water.
@66 Oh, for sure and I actually really like anal now, especially since my boyfriend is always understanding if any given day, I’m not up for it. Just wanted to point out to douches like hunter78 that your experiences are not isolated or rare, unfortunately.
EricaP @54:
Just noticed your comment thread. Wow, fascinating, and thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m surprised you’ve encountered so many bad lays. I’ve always assumed a woman in your position would have her pick from hundreds of male candidates, so naturally the guys who end up getting picked must fuck like champs. Apparently not.
Have you tried any married men? Maybe you’d have better luck if you did, although I suppose that would be “wrong”.
Also, I have to wonder whether the NSA/Lustlab hookups are doomed simply because there’s so much focus/pressure/high expectations surrounding the sex without much opportunity to connect in a more “natural” way. Personally, it’s hard for me to imagine how stranger sex could ever compare with sex with someone you connect with. Don’t get me wrong – I can certainly enjoy stranger sex, but the best sex I’ve had was good precisely because my partner and I had chemistry, not necessarily because of the positions and scenarios we rotated through.
Anyway, good luck and have fun! You seem like an awesome woman and wife.
@67: On the bright side, they make it so easy to be perceived as a good in bed. Make sure she comes before you do – hell, express any interest whatsoever in her coming at all – and you’re a stud. Actually be aware of the existence and location of the mythical clitoris? You are The God of Love.
If Santorum’s first move after announcing his candidacy is to “confront” his “google problem,” he is already finished by default. Congrats to Dan & co. for slaying the potential dragon of his miserable political rehab with one filthy, filthy word. Having your name permanently and irrevocably tied to said frothy substance is an end to any political career.
Just another side of the coin for those who feel like an empowered woman can’t have anal sex, or that fucking a woman in the ass is “the final frontier” or somehow a more pleasing conquest because it’s degrading: she’s literally making you stick your most precious member into a shithole, dude.
@1: I second it!!
Savage in 2012!!!!
Please pretty pleeeeeeeeease can I enter menopause now???
When I do, I’m throwing a wild party!
@ 31 – Oh, “professor,” you troll… Back again?
@50: Christians are responsible for challenging their co-religionists to be more tolerant because those other Christians (especially their own pastors, priests, etc) are responsible to them in some way–by virtue of their Christianness.
Christianity implies certain beliefs and usually certain values as well, so if I belong to a church that preaches intolerance, my preacher ought to be responsive to my arguing that that is not Christian, or that is not the sort of Christianity one ought to endorse. but I have no such hold over Palin. as a fellow human, I can argue that she ought to display certain traits, but I certainly can’t argue that having a vagina forces one, automatically, to hold certain views/beliefs/values, and if you disagree with those values you should get a sex change (like a Christian could change religions if he/she felt that Christianity went counter to his/her beliefs).
@42 – so, I’m not the only one to identify the troll… It looks like there’s two for today!
Why doesn’t the woman with the ‘shredded kitty’ try anal with her small-penised hubby?
Ah, Seattle – where the gay sex columnist won’t recommend anal to the heteros because he knows it freaks the little feminist princesses out.
Give him the ass. He’ll never stray.
EricaP: I just feel the need to tell you that no matter what some idiots say, you have a very good grasp of the situation and are learning to navigate the waters of NSA sex with admirable poise. The only problem is that, yeah, unless you force them to concentrate on you (“no anal until I’ve come!” for example), most men only think about what they like and what they want.
@ 36 – So two near-rape situations make a pattern? Come on! The only pattern it makes is that two out of two men are totally inconsiderate of their partner’s needs and limits in bed – which is almost consistent with my experience as a very promiscuous gay man (I’d say 9 out of 10). It doesn’t mean that EricaP doesn’t know how to pick them. What’s there to pick if most guys are incompetent, immature lovers who act as if they’ve never touched a woman before?
And with your attitude, I’m sure you’re one of those.
Aaaand now we have misogynistic asshole number 3! You don’t know that they haven’t tried anal. I’m pretty sure she isn’t worried about her husband “straying”. She wants to be able to enjoy PIV again. And Dan suggests anal for heteros all the damn time. So shut your hole.
I was late in reading the column this week. My gay brother in law sent me a text asking me if I’d read it. His summary: “If I wasn’t gay already, I would be now!”
To everyone recommending anal – it’s not the same, trust me. I currently have problems having PIV sex painlessly which I didn’t have before. So bf and I have been having lots of anal. But we both still miss vaginal dearly. First of all, at least for some women, with anal you do have to be more careful to not cause damage. And, I, at least, get pretty sore after about 15 mins of anal. Plus, the sensation is different. It’s pleasurable, but it just doesn’t feel as good as vaginal. And some women just plain can’t enjoy anal no matter how much they want to.
@36 – Please leave the advice on rape to professional therapists. In fact, it isn’t “extremely striking” that Erica was raped twice in one year. It is, rather, extremely COMMON for sexual assaults victims to be the target of multiple assaults by different rapists at different times. There are other contributing factors to this, but often, victims have trouble setting boundaries(sometimes this is due to the previous assault), and sexual predators are emotionally manipulative and clue into this.
It is absolutely unconscionable to suggest that the victim is at fault due to a lack of diligence in her screening process or for any other reason. If you are any sort of decent human being, you should apologize for your uninformed and hurtful comment.
Unlubed anal?
Seriously?
A man would only attempt that if he’d been watching too much porn and not having enough actual sex.
Clueless guys, just for your info, in porn movies that feature anal, the girls have been thoroughly douched, stretched, and lubed before the camera starts filming. This is also why in porn you can go from anal straight to vaginal, but if you do it in real life you’ll probably give your partner a nasty case of thrush.
Thanks, milena, seandr, Ricardo, Backyard Bombardier, BadAnne and many others, for your support. I really appreciate having thoughtful and experienced people to ask about this. Clearly, what I was doing this year was not as satisfying as I had hoped it would be. (Though it did lead to fantastic sex at home.) I appreciate all the constructive suggestions for how to improve things going forward.
sick of reading multiple posts from the same people. don’t you have anything better to do all day?
@ 86 – Very true.
@ 89 – Yet, somehow, no one but you has any difficulty in believing that Backyard Bombardier’s claim is true.
I was going to say that spreadingsantorum.com was only #4 but then I realized that I Googled “Rick Santorum”. My bad. But damn that’s impressive. He’s never going to be president and it’s still going to make me go ICK when I hear his name.
@78 – What makes you think Savage is afraid of freaking out feminists? He loves nothing more than to piss feminists off.
BTW – Feminists are not against anal as a principle. Feminists are against the patriarchy. As a chauvinistic douchenozzle yourself, you probably can’t tell the difference. It isn’t *anal* women don’t want from you, it’s you. Sorry (but not really).
@85: “Where did that come from? I said I feel differently toward women I’ve ass-fucked.”
Hunter78, what you said @10 was this:
“As for anal, I personally have never wanted it for a ‘tighter hole.’ I’ve wanted it more for a further conquest, another portal penetrated, another surrender. I always feel differently when I see a woman in who’s ass my dick has been. It’s different than simply a woman fucked.”
Gotta say, that doesn’t read like a sensitive lover who feels “more intimately connected”. It reads like a man who enjoys sex with women most when he feels that it degrades them. It certainly doesn’t read like a man who considers his sexual partners to be his equals.
@91
Maybe no one has said that they doubted the veracity of bombardier’s claim, but that doesn’t mean that no one has. I, for example, doubt his claim that he has slept with more women than Hunter78 and Professor combined because all of these people are total fucking strangers on the internet who have no way of knowing how many sexual partners the others have had.
@85
Thank you for clarifying on the anal front. I read your original comment and didn’t think you were expressing any negative emotions toward the women in question, but a lot of the follow up comments made me doubt my reading comprehension skills.
@ 95 – Usually, with guys, just a few lines are necessary for the alert reader to be able to separate the nerdy ones who’s sex life is strictly limited to porn and fantasies from the ones who actually have encountered a naked human being once or twice.
Maybe you should doubt your reading comprehension skills.
EricaP,
I can’t help wondering why you didn’t just insist each time that he help you cum first? It would have saved you from a lot of bad sex, I would think. If a guy refuses, you walk. Plus, pre-intercourse orgasms sometimes cause intercourse orgasms to be more intense (if you are able to have those, of course.)
I haven’t had a lot of NSA sex, maybe 2 one-nighters and a handful of friends-with-benefits, but no one I’ve been with ever refused to help me cum first. Then again, none of them were guys I found online looking for NSA so that might make a difference. Most of those guys creeped me out because they were too impatient about meeting in person and didn’t seem to comprehend the idea of a woman valuing her safety.
Unforgiving should try wearing some sort of sex toy during intercourse. A butterfly or a vibrating cock ring would stimulate both her clit, and her husband’s penis during intercourse. The two of them should visit a high-quality toy shop together. The sales person could probably recommend something great.
Dan, don’t forget to have your webmaster/mistress renew the spreadingsantorum domain (it currently expires in November…)
EricaP, I too encourage you to voice your positive impulses in bed. Your track record of 11 bad male partners mirrors my own experience with bad female partners. The fellas I’ve been with have all been very nice lovers. I’ve never had NSA sex. They have all been relationships.
The striking thing to me, the thing that I feel delayed my becoming a better lover with women, is the pattern of women who will not teach. They will not teach their lovers what pleases them. They tend to be good at expressing displeasure but they expect the pleasurable things to come from mind reading.
I didn’t have the benefit of the internet and SL when I came of age sexually. Certainly it would have been easier to get outside learning if I’d had more resources. I honestly did as much as I could with the ladies I was with. The thing that mattered to me most was finding out what would please that particular person. Everyone is different, right? But the people in my self-selected group just weren’t that comfortable with their own sexuality to provide the feedback. The woman I married turned out to be the least sexually hung-up person for me. It’s part of why I admire her so much.
Emphasize the positive. Do express the negative, although unless it’s a violation of your previously discussed boundaries then express it gently. Nothing kills the mood faster than a “cut that the fuck out!” out of the clear blue. And I second what Sean said above –that it’s hard to excel with someone whom you hardly know sexually.
Keep twitting the Santorum creep!!! Let’s retire this clown permanently. Ol’ Frothy Mixture still thinks he can be president (fat chance of that!) but still, I want to see the asshole creep away with his sorry tail between his legs.
Hunter: well, I guess that is the problem with communicating via this method. You might have meant something one way, but I interpreted it another….what do they say? Like upwards of 80% of communication is non-verbal, so you lose much in the written word? I interpreted as much the way Backyard Bombadier did probably (unless I am mistaken!)
If I misinterpreted, I apologize. I did think you meant it as a slam on women who *I* feel offered you a gift, so that is why I was so offended.
I also agree with, I think it was milena, when she is speaking of anal. I love anal, I come like gangbusters, and its great for those 1st couple of days when I am on the rag and its super messy…but it will NEVER replace vaginal. I can only go for a little bit before I get sore. I like the feeling of being a dirty little slut from it, but I don’t get the feelings of intimacy I get from vaginal. I come really HARD, but once I get off, that’s it, game over, and I get too sesntive to continue. Whereas I can fuck for *hours* vaginally! Come and come and come again….rest 5 minutes, and go some more! Lol! So is it fun and do I recommend it? Hell yes!!! But, as a fun addition to, not a replacement for vaginal. I would miss the different kind of closeness I feel as well as the multiples, hahah.
Ha! As a newish reader to this column, I actually though Santorum was a random word pulled out of the blue by Dan and readers. Reading about this Santorum guy I think it’s completely appropriate! Assuming I am not the only reader who didn’t know the origins of this word, I see it growing fast from a joke to a dictionary word in no time!
I just read Unforgiving’s letter again and can’t believe what she went through. Tearing during childbirth is one thing … but to have the stitches tear a few days later should have been reason enough to go back to her obgyn to be restitched immediately. Because the tearing’s most likely NOT in the vagina, but in the perineum. I’m wondering if she was given ANY aftercare information at all (such as softening the stitched skin with massage to promote faster healing, I believe with lanolin but my memory could be faulty).
In some ways, this letter is the same as the first: aka, if you don’t speak up for yourself in front of a health-care provider, you’re not going to get the treatment you need. And, unfortunately, it means that people have to learn as much as possible about their bodies to be able to approach (or even confront) their health providers.
I don’t know if it’s too late for Unforgiving, but I believe she needs to see a more caring and understanding doctor NOW. In any case, IMO, trying to have ANY vaginal sex while in possession of a shredded kitty is not a good idea, especially if she’s trying to see how a small penis can offer more stimulation (and a penile sleeve to increase girth would probably be the best option there). It makes me wince just to think of it!