I am 50 and a lesbian. I have had a pretty active sex life for the last 30 years. For the last three years, I’ve been with a woman I love very much. We have amazing sexual chemistry—by far the best I have experienced.

For the last two years, I have noticed that my clitoris is getting bigger. Not trans-man-takes-testosterone big, but substantially bigger than it has ever been. I thought it was due to a big increase in sexual excitement, but it soon became clear that the enlargement was a permanent thing. It gets much more erect than it used to and often throbs or twitches after I come.

No one’s complaining. I am enjoying the heightened sexual arousal, and my GGG girlfriend is thrilled. But why/how is this happening? Could it get even bigger? And why now? I hit menopause seven years ago, so it’s not some weird hormone surge. Could our sexual connection have caused this all by itself? I don’t really want to ask my gynecologist, though I did notice her checking out my equipment with wide eyes at my last checkup.

Stiffie Needs A Zipcode

“I always like to hear from people who are satisfied with their sex lives and relationships,” says author, sex researcher, vulva-puppeteer, and archrival sex-advice columnist Debby Herbenick, and I have to agree. Most of our mail comes from people who are unhappy with their sex lives and/or dissatisfied with their relationships. It’s always nice to hear from folks who are having fun. What’s not so nice is that we sometimes have to tell happy-and-satisfied folks that something may be seriously wrong.

“I would strongly encourage her to ask her gynecologist about her enlarged clitoris,” says Herbenick. “She should be very clear about when she first noticed this and roughly how much she thinks it’s increased in size. She needs her doctor to examine her clit and rule out various medical conditions that could cause hormonal problems. Sometimes these are benign health conditions; unfortunately, sometimes they include vulvar cancers, ovarian cancers, and adrenal cancers that, for example, may present with symptoms including an enlarged clitoris.”

Some women believe their clitorises “grew” after menopause, but that’s not usually the case. When estrogen levels drop during menopause, other parts of the vulva—such as the labia—can become flatter or less prominent, which can in turn make the clitoris appear bigger. “However, she’s been in menopause for a long time,” says Herbenick, “and it sounds like the clitoral change happened well into menopause.” And amazing sex does not supersize clits: “High levels of arousal usually result in only a temporary swelling of the clitoris,” says Herbenick.

So make another appointment to see your doctor, SNAZ, “and keep asking questions until she’s sure that medical conditions, such as cancers, have been ruled out,” urges Herbenick. And if your gynecologist doesn’t want to discuss your megaclit or was too stupid to spot what could be a symptom of common lady-parts cancers (!), time to get a new gynecologist.

My husband is beautiful, awesome, etc. Unfortunately, his dick is small. It wasn’t so bad our first few years together; he knows how to work what he’s got. But then I had a baby, and I tore. A few days later, my stitches tore. At my six-week checkup, I asked why I couldn’t get restitched and the doctor told me, “Vaginas are very forgiving.” But a year later, Kegels aren’t helping and both of us are having trouble getting off.

I want to get a vaginoplasty to fit him, but I’ll have to wait till we’ve saved up enough money to pay for it. Please, Dan, tell me how to have hotter sex with a small dick and a shredded kitty.

Unforgiving

“Many women who have had multiple or traumatic births—and it sounds like she had a good deal of tearing—have some degree of prolapse,” says Herbenick. (A uterine prolapse, says the Wiki, “occurs when the female pelvic organs fall from their normal position, into or through the vagina.”) “If she did have prolapse,” says Herbenick, “she may be a candidate for anterior or posterior vaginal wall repair, which is quite similar to vaginal ‘rejuvenation’ surgeries, and then insurance may cover the surgery.

“Some people will wildly disagree with me and say that women shouldn’t have surgery ‘to please their man,’ but I don’t see that here,” Herbenick adds. “I see two people who are married and want better sex, and she may have experienced some physical changes that have affected that. And there are ways to fix it.”

Debby Herbenick is the associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, a book that I strongly recommend even though Debby once attacked me with a vulva puppet in a room full of people.

I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Grange, a local restaurant, has a cocktail called “GGGinger.” Is it possible for a cocktail to be GGG? And how does it feel to have inspired one?

Curious Cocktail Connection

A cocktail can’t be GGG, CCC, but a couple of cocktails—enough to take the edge off inhibitions, not so much to make consent unpossible—can induce GGG. And, I’m saddened to report, the GGGinger’s Gs refer to three of the gin-based cocktail’s ingredients—ginger beer, candied ginger, and ginger syrup—and not to the Savage Love meme “good, giving, and game.” Still, Grange co-owner Brandon Johns is confident that his GGGingers have inspired GGG behavior all over Ann Arbor. “It’s been our most popular drink since we opened,” says Johns, “so it must be doing something right.We also do pitchers of them, and when a couple shares one of those—let’s just say that something good is bound to come of that.”

And in other, more successful Savage Love memes… Former US senator and current presidential candidolt Rick Santorum “opened up” to Roll Call last week about his “longtime Google problem,” aka “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and always the
number-one search result when you Google the former senator’s last name.

“It’s one guy,” Santorum told Roll Call. “You know who it is… It’s unfortunate that we have someone who obviously has some issues.”

I do have issues—I have lots of issues—but I take particular issue with politicians who compare loving, stable same-sex relationships to “man on dog” sex, as Santorum has done, or who would ban same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples, as Santorum has promised to do if he gets elected president. But the lowercase s santorum campaign wasn’t “one guy.” A lot of people were involved—from the Savage Love reader who first suggested that we redefine his name to all the folks who’ve written about it over the years (thanks, Roll Call!)—just like a lot of people were involved in turning Rick Santorum out of office in 2006, an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.

The website that’s still giving Rick Santorum fits—www.spreadingsantorum.com—hasn’t been updated since 2004. But we will be relaunching the site in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

217 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. To Unforgiving:

    Dan gives good advice, but also look into a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor issues. Kegals help, but there are a ton of other exercises that can be done to help tighten your pelvic floor muscles–and not getting the help you need with that could result in problems that go beyond your sex life.

    A helpful book in this area is Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. But really, find a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor muscles.

  2. Shredded Kitty- still here? I’m a shred-ee also. I had a rectocele repair last year when my 14 year old shredding came back to haunt me. Vaginoplasty will certainly help, but in the meantime, make sure you are doing your Kegels correctly! During the course of treatment with the urogynecologist, they sent me to a pelvic physical therapist and I learned a lot. If there’s any way you can swing that, it will be worth it. If your gyno refers you, many insurance plans will pay for it.

    Otherwise, try some research online and get a real Kegel routine going for yourself. It WILL make a difference, now- and when you’re older. Don’t just tighten up now and then when you think about it, because that’s not going to do it!

    Good luck!

  3. To Unforgiving:

    Dan gives good advice, but also look into a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor issues. Kegals help, but there are a ton of other exercises that can be done to help tighten your pelvic floor muscles–and not getting the help you need with that could result in problems that go beyond your sex life.

    A helpful book in this area is Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. But really, find a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor muscles.

  4. Ow, Unforgiving’s letter made me flinch, I’m impressed she wants anything in there after tearing her vagina twice. And I’m pissed about the lack of help or sympathy from the doctor, jeez.
    I case surgery isn’t an option (and it sounds like a reasonable choice if she can do it), I wanted to add to the alternate suggestions… I have had good luck adding another toy to the mix when size was a challenge. A buttplug, vibrator or dildo in the ass can make pussy sex a bit tighter, or a vibrator along with a cock in the pussy adds size and sensation. The vibrator I used was one of those slender massage-type ones, no extra bumps or realistic shape (as that would make it more difficult to get in there, plus some guys are a bit leery of having another “dick” in with them).

  6. @85

    “I said I feel differently toward women I’ve ass-fucked. I do. I feel more intimately connected to them.”

    You feel intimately connected to them as conquests who have surrendered to you. You were clear about the quality of that relationship. I don’t think many people misunderstood.

    You basically told us that you ask for anal just to see if you can get the woman to do it. And, if she agrees, your satisfaction is derived from having gotten her to agree to it, not from the anal itself. Again, you were clear that the anus isn’t appealing on its own.

    It’s just a secret power game you’re playing and getting off on. You’re basically just using the woman’s sphincter to masturbate your ego.

    If you were at all honest, you would admit that you wouldn’t want a woman to play that game with you, either. Don’t worry, I’m not holding my breath.

    You can try to flounce with all your might but you have communicated this to us. And it’s shitty. It’s a shitty attitude to have. It’s a shitty way to be.

  7. I love Dan’s columns, but he really missed the boat on Unforgiving. What’s all this stuff about prolapse? She didn’t say anything about prolapse. And enough with recommending anal, people: if she orgasmed from PVI before baby and wants to again, anal is (literally) a move in the wrong direction.

    Lack of fit after childbirth, tearing or no, is really, really common. Kegels for tightening and the We Vibe are both quite useful. I’d recommend experimenting with positions that squeeze your knees together, too–everything narrows up. Dan, please give this kind of question a little more research and focus next time.

  8. Professor and Hunter, you just don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyone who comes out and says “most (male) straight men” like this and that, or see it like this and like that (say anal sex, and as a conquest) simply hasn’t been around enough and talked to sufficiently many males. I’m a straight man, and nothing of what either of you said sounds even remotely like my male sexual experience.

    Whenever someone like Prof tries to “attack all feminazis” become something male is being reviled, I am reminded of how similar people like him are to the very feminazis they revile: the same tactics, the same lack of concern for facts or for the opinions of others, the same holier-than-thou attack that basically says “I know everything and you don’t”… My impression is that Prof and H78 are simply feminazis wannabees still waiting for their very own sex-change operation.

    Meanwhile, in the real world, real people interact in ways that go beyond their comprehension…

  9. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL LETTERS PLEASE?

    God, we really need a forum so we can bitch about useless unrelated junk elsewhere.

    I’m wondering if those of you who’ve had shredded kitties would recomment elective C-sections instead? or was natural vaginal birth worth the shredding issues?

  10. EricaP, who said: ” I liked most of the guys, personally, and I enjoyed the first bit, but I would stick it out to try to get them to orgasm, even after I stopped having fun. They didn’t feel that obligation towards me, and I do see that as a difference in how (most) men and women are socialized.”, and also: “One problem is that guys don’t take absence-of-enthusiasm as a “no”. They take it as “yes.””

    EricaP, speaking as a male, you’re correct; it often happens that absence-of-enthusiasm is not seen as “no”. But consider that this is not simply the result (as some other commenters apparently implied) of a tendency for assholery among men. It is also a byproduct of the fact that women aren’t very vocal about their likes and dislikes (again for all kinds of social reasons).

    It sometimes occurred to me to keep asking “are you liking this?” or trying to interpret silences or apparent lack of enthusiasm; in many such occasions, this killed the mood (the women in question oddly felt I wasn’t really into her, or into sex, if I kept asking questions), and it also made it less enjoyable to me (because I had to keep worrying about whether or not that absence-of-enthusiasm ‘meant something’ or not — sometimes they didn’t mean anything.)

    Sometimes women expected me to ‘simply guess’ whatever it is they would like (apparently by crossing out items in a mental list while paying attention to their reactions) rather than telling me what they like and don’t like. One woman even vocally expressed herself angrily afterwards because I “was supposed to guess.”

    I wished everybody could get relaxed before sex and just talk about likes and dislikes. I hope women will feel more empowered the more they feel they can do that — before, and during. I readily acknowledge that many men are also not interested in talking, and seem to be oblivious to their lack of success with their partners… I am just pointing out that even when I try to do my part, it sometimes didn’t work. I blame society’s funny ideas about sex, “guessing” (= “telepathy”), and male and female stereotypes for that.

  11. To secretagent, who said: “Let me tell you what probably happened in that man’s head and you tell me if it sounds similar to anything your buddies have said: “She’s just a slut, man.” “She wants it, you can tell.” “I did X to her.” To her, not with her, notice. “A few drinks will loosen her up” “I got mine” “She said no at first but then she let me”. Until men stop seeing sex as a “conquest” and women as “surrendered” these assaults will continue. Sex isn’t something you can steal or earn. It’s a shared experience.”

    While I acknowledge there are men who think like that, let me point out that (as I said in my last comment) doing the exact opposite can sometimes have the same effect. There are men who are out there to have fun and have their partners have fun, and it doesn’t always work out well for them either because of stereotypes about ‘what men want’ and ‘what women want’ that the WOMEN themselves also believe in.

    Even men who want to listen don’t get the chance of listening all that often, because women are still learning how to talk. Awkwardness and results that are less than wonderful can happen despite the best of intentions on both sides.

    As I said above, I think people need to learn how to talk about sex without feeling that ‘the magic is being destroyed’ — and this difficulty affects women as often as it affects men, if not more so. The expectation that ‘men will guess it even if I say nothing’ is as frequent — and as damaging — as the masculine bad habits you mentioned.

  12. Hunter, let me make mine badgirl’s words from upthread. I don’t know if your intentions in writing what you did were good — but the result did sound bad. If you re-read it and think about what people usually mean by the words you said (say, what you’d think about a woman who said the same about having pegged you), maybe you’ll realize that the implications of what you said (more than what you said in itself) are indeed bad.

    All in all, this stresses the fact that communication is the key to success, in sex as in everything else.

  13. anklyosaur and EricaP (and everyone else),
    There are so many issues at play here.
    I think that women are socialized to not be demanding, and they’re also socialized to expect that men will somehow magically ‘know’ what to do to/for them. They’re often uncomfortable talking explicitly about sex, and may not even be able to articulate what it is they *do* want (especially when they’re younger).

    A while back there was a discussion about Taylor Momson and her vibrator advice, which brought up the point that a lot of women don’t begin masturbating at as young an age or with as much frequency as boys do, so they are less likely to know what they like and what it takes to get them off (EricaP, I assume that you know what it takes, but I’m speaking generally, and about younger women here).

    I can only speak from my own experience, but I need a lot of intense, direct, focused clitoral stimulation (almost always only available in a vibrator) to come, so my teen attempts at masturbation never led to orgasm, and I had not the slightest idea what it would take to get me off. One of my early partners would frequently–conscientiously–ask what I wanted, and since I had no clue, but didn’t want to seem ungrateful or difficult, I just said that everything was fine. I was young; I didn’t want to hurt his feelings; I was embarrassed. I couldn’t have told him what worked if I’d wanted to.

  14. Caralain: Yes, natural childbirth is worth the shredding issue. Passing through the birth canal is an important part of transitioning from the womb to the outside for the baby–the pressure squeezes gunk from their lungs that can cause serious health issues, among other things. As far as the mom is concerned, the post-partum period is difficult enough with a vaginal birth–a C section is major abdominal surgery that necessitates cutting through the muscle wall. It requires far more recovery than a “shredded pussy”, has a far higher rate of post-surgical complications, and can seriously interfere with establishing nursing or even basic bonding with your baby. It’s fantastic that C-sections exist for situations in which they’re necessary–but they should be reserved for those.

  15. Aimed at the Hunter/Professor thread: I am a woman who came of age sexually with a very extreme feminist slant. The idea of the surrender/conqueror sexual relationship was unfathomably misogynistic to me, demeaning, objectifying, etc. However,years later,I had sex with someone who I knew/trusted who introduced me to my own desire for extreme power play in the bedroom. As stated before, I know my feminist politics intimately, and am grateful to be able to reference them. However, it doesn’t change the fact that there is something inherent to my sexuality that desires the struggle against male conquest,and there’s no moment more satisfying than surrendering to penetration. It’s that kind of theater in the bedroom which, for me, brings sex to the level of divinity- becoming every man/woman who has ever, or will ever, engage in this act. There are fundamental, biological tendencies that can be explored and acted out intelligently on the stage of the bedroom, that satisfy the soul- that are contrary to our current socially correct views of equality. Hunter and Professor may or may not be conscious lovers or douchebags, but I think the point about the feminization of our culture is a strong one.

    “2. The bashers of #10 demonstrating his point. In case you missed it #10 referenced the penultimate (straight) male fantasy of penetrating a woman. He then noted his pleasure in achieving anal penetration was, in part, attributable to the pursuit of tail and “winning’ the conquest. These emotional objections are all a part of the feminization of our culture. Anything remotely and uniquely male is castigated, chastised and labeled as deviant, sexist, pervert, rapist.”

    We do live in an era where this is the case. I’m not saying that there isn’t a legit historical reason for it- feminism happened (thankfully)pendulums swing, it’s how it works. But I think a lot of folks are having unsatisfying sex because neither men nor women are “allowed” to be men or women. Which is why sex is in some ways the last vestige we have to be men and women without politics. The bedroom is no place for politics- it’s where we discover and share our most essential selves.

  16. Aimed at the Hunter/Professor thread: I am a woman who came of age sexually with a very extreme feminist slant. The idea of the surrender/conqueror sexual relationship was unfathomably misogynistic to me, demeaning, objectifying, etc. However,years later,I had sex with someone who I knew/trusted who introduced me to my own desire for extreme power play in the bedroom. As stated before, I know my feminist politics intimately, and am grateful to be able to reference them. However, it doesn’t change the fact that there is something inherent to my sexuality that desires the struggle against male conquest,and there’s no moment more satisfying than surrendering to penetration. It’s that kind of theater in the bedroom which, for me, brings sex to the level of divinity- becoming every man/woman who has ever, or will ever, engage in this act. There are fundamental, biological tendencies that can be explored and acted out intelligently on the stage of the bedroom, that satisfy the soul- that are contrary to our current socially correct views of equality. Hunter and Professor may or may not be conscious lovers or douchebags, but I think the point about the feminization of our culture is a strong one.

    “2. The bashers of #10 demonstrating his point. In case you missed it #10 referenced the penultimate (straight) male fantasy of penetrating a woman. He then noted his pleasure in achieving anal penetration was, in part, attributable to the pursuit of tail and “winning’ the conquest. These emotional objections are all a part of the feminization of our culture. Anything remotely and uniquely male is castigated, chastised and labeled as deviant, sexist, pervert, rapist.”

    We do live in an era where this is the case. I’m not saying that there isn’t a legit historical reason for it- feminism happened (thankfully)pendulums swing, it’s how it works. But I think a lot of folks are having unsatisfying sex because neither men nor women are “allowed” to be men or women. Which is why sex is in some ways the last vestige we have to be men and women without politics. The bedroom is no place for politics- it’s where we discover and share our most essential selves.

  17. nocutename: your comments were wise, and just go to prove how different we women are! I winced just reading that, lol!! I am super sensitive, and would probably scream in pain rather then pleasure if any man treated my clit like that, yipes! For me, lets…work around the issue, shall we?

    I understand the need to communicate of course, but I also find the “Let’s sit down and discuss what I like with an itemized list before we even approach the bedroom” a bit sterile and off-putting. How about some nice moans when he is doing it right, or some “oh yes, more! NICE” works for me. If he is hurting…a pull away, or even an OUCH!!! Hahaha! “Easy big boy!” is one of my favorites…help the old ego as well.

    Then the clinical converstions can begin….of course, this only works for FWB, rather then a one night fling.

    Oh, sorry, was that off topic? Shessh…police! Anyhow…natural childbirth, for the reasons Green Betty listed above! I was back on the treadmill a week after my first. I didn’t have shredding, and chances are, you won’t….its a complication rather then a surity; it sounds like the poor woman above rushed through delivery and didn’t take time to stretch out slowly. But there can be complications from C-sections as well. I might be a little looser, but I do my Kegels, and hell, my dude is such a big boy…it was a little painful sometimes before #1 anyway! I actually come much easier after babies.

  19. liveandlearn: I will agree with you 100%; I am a feminist by day and a happy submissive slut in the bedroom *grin*. I was so pissed off by Hunter because I interpreted his initial remarks to mean he lost respect for the women he was fucking up the ass, that he “conquored”. As long as my lover still respects me, I absolutely adore and delight in being his little cocksucking whore, someone he can “use”. Its the respect issue for me I guess, and knowing its a bedroom game. I know that actually this makes me even more desirable in his eyes, and in the initial post by Hunter, this is NOT how I read it…my interpretation was that he actually lost respect for them. If this was incorrect, again, see my retraction above. But nice to meet another femi-nazi submissive, lol!

  20. @EricaP – so, um, I’m dying to know (because you *sound* hot), what part of the country are you in? I don’t read every thread every week, so my apologies if this was covered already. No need to get too detailed, but just maybe which state?

  21. Good call seasalt. Finally some balance. Prof and hunter78 seem douchey no doubt, but enough with the over-analyzing and associating alpha-male sexual tendencies with patriarchal oppression. Some men like conquests, some are honest, some are both. And WTF is so wrong about doing stuff to “please your man”? Everyone please read the part in “sex at dawn” where the woman starts taking testosterone and starts thinking like a man. We just get tired of having to tread around the easily offended emotional minefield of hyper sensitive feminists while they are offended by everything men innately are.

  22. its almost a field study in womens thinking. a guy talks frankly/harshly about what hes into, says he thinks of women “differently” after hes been in their ass, and they all instantly assume he means that he looks down on them as sluts or some BS feminist crap.

    theyre the ones who are still in the dark ages by assuming all men are

  23. I’m feeling a bit lazy, and I don’t want to root through all the posts I’ve just read through. Sorry – it just isn’t happening.

    However the guy who said the looks at a woman differently after he’s been in her ass, that it’s a different sort of feeling, a conquering and a surrender. Big Damn Deal. Seriously.

    It is a conquering and it does impact how people view each other, and not all sex is rainbows and hearts. I play gender games and power exchange and I even own up to being mildly sexist in the bedroom.

    I like men that have presence, and that “wear the pants”. It turns me on – I like to surrender to them and most guys I’ve dated enjoy a girl that can hold her own in any given situation, but doesn’t need to be in charge all the time.

    And as a woman with a gorgeous strap-on and love of GGG, when a bossy, effiecient, sexy man nervously allows me to fuck his ass, it is a power rush. It is a conquest and it is so profusely intimate that it borders on sacred. Seeing a man that i’ve been inside like that…yeah it’s a totally different eyeful.

    You people that get so fucking offended, need to chill the fuck out. Seriously, everyone is so “sex positive”, unless other people are having sex that they themselves wouldn’t.

    And on another note: as a rape survivor. It is quite obnoxious to see people picking up the victim title and acting like they had no knowledge of anything bad happening to them being possible. Well, Fuck. Huh? Let’s have some common sense about things. A true physical attack is different from I let a stranger tie me up and they didn’t stop.

    I can acknowledge that I was raped cause I made bad choices that put me in a position to be sexually exploited. I learned from it and I moved on, and I gained the ability to understand that *I* had to live with my choices, so I better be fucking sure about them.

    “How dare you blame a victim?” How dare you live in a manner which makes you a victim in any way? How dare you support a society where women don’t have to account for their choices, and call yourself a feminist? How dare you chastise a man for having a visceral authentic opinion and voicing it – when you are angry over a woman’s voice being unheard. It’s pretty nauseating. I actually had to turn in my dance card to the NOW, because I don’t think men should second-class citizens, and I think that gender and sex are vastly less important than quality of character.

    Now I know I’m gonna get blasted as a troll, and that’s fine but I would love to buy some of you a big hot glass of suck it up.

  24. @126: “WTF is so wrong about doing stuff to ‘please your man’?”

    Nothing, as long as your man is willing to do stuff to “please his woman.” Otherwise it’s just rewarding bad behaviour.

    @127: I’m a straight dude, and I assume that he meant he looks down on them. Why would you assume that only a woman would see it that way?

  25. ankylosaur – I said as much to EricaP in a previous column. Sexual dysfunction is not primarily due to men OR women, but rather a host of bad habits/expectations/ideas in both. Women can’t expect men to *know* what they want, and every woman who fakes it, doesn’t make learning what she needs a priority, or sucks at communicating is contributing to the problem. Many men would love to know what sends a woman through the roof, but they don’t ask, and we don’t know, and so the shitty sex cycle continues.

    liveandlearn – While I agree that feminism has resulted in some overly protectionist views of sex and men, I would rather that than what we had before. At least women of my generation know that good sex is achievable, desirable, and that they deserve to be listened to and not treated like possessions. Unless they want to be. They have the comparative luxury to *have* fantasies and express consent for being treated as filthily as they desire.

    And have you ever considered that the reason you (and me) have those submissive fantasies is *because* we grew up knowing that wasn’t “right” or the “norm”? Do you think women in cultures where they are subject to violence or treated as property by men have the same fantasies?

    Men who have mature, modern, maybe even “feminist” views on sex are really the only ones any good at exploring the power dynamics behind sex. Men who don’t either screw it up completely a la “I’m the dom – that means you pleasure me” or are so uncomfortable with “degrading” women that they don’t realize that refusing to consider a woman’s desires and requests is really what *is* degrading.

  26. @41 Thank you, that actually means a lot!

    I’ve found that a lot of men just don’t listen in the bedroom! If you suggest things, they just keep plowing ahead, confident of their method. But different women prefer it in different ways, so you can’t use the same method on every woman!!! Boys, don’t take it as insult when we give you suggestions, we’re letting you know what makes us come!!!

    That being said, there are many men who are quite adept in bed, and they should be thanked for their attentiveness. Oh but they probably are… with repeat sex

  27. Secretagent- Yes, I definitely do think that culture has everything to do with the kind of sexual fanatasies we have, or even whether we allow ourselves sexual fantasies. Definitely living in our feminized culture with restructured gender roles, the fetishization of submission is to be expected. And I too, as stated before, am grateful for the consciousness and opportunity to reevaluate gender that feminism has afforded us. However, let’s not assume that before feminist thought, women had terrible sex or weren’t ever satisfied.People have been having sex (and creating art and music and philosophy) since the beginning of time without our current institutions of thought to articulate sex dynamics and sub-dynamics. And just because we have those resources now doesn’t mean that any more people are having better or more satisfying sex or are happier in general than before, as evidenced by just about every analysis of the age we live in. It’s just a lot more complicated now.
    I too, if forced to make a choice, would prefer to have more information/freedom than less. But I’d rather reach a point where the information’s processed and we can just get back to having sex free of dogma.

  28. sanguisuga/random_lez

    Hey, just because I referred to the ‘Feminist Princesses of Seattle’ doesn’t make me a misogynist.

    The fact that I cover the drunk woman’s face with a Hustler and pound away at her while chewing on a Big Mac – that’s another story. Her orgasm? Who cares? Ya’ll fake most of them anyway unless you get tickets to Bonnaroo or we buy you a tote with a bird on it.

    Seattle’s #1 Export: Smug, Whiny Misandry.

  29. Imp – I agree women should be held accountable for their choices. I don’t agree that making bad choices means you deserve to be raped or abused. You were raped because your rapist was an asshole and a disgusting person. Your bad choices contributed, but you didn’t cause yourself to be raped. Taking advantage of vulnerability in others is reprehensible, and that is why it’s criminal, whether it is physical abuse, rape, fraud, etc. etc.

    A classic rape coping mechanism is to attempt to rearrange life so that you don’t ever become a victim again. To place the blame on yourself, because if it was something you caused, you can cause it to never happen again. Well, you can’t. You can reduce your risk, but someone could still victimize you, and it’s still not your fault.

  30. Liveandlearn – I do think that more women are having better sex. I would like to see a study that’s capable of correlating self-reported satisfaction with actual satisfaction and then comparing it to previous generations. That would be a masterpiece of science, time travel and truth getting. As to everything else you said – agreed. Here’s to that Utopian sex-filled unselfconscious day, may I live to see it.

  32. Are you kidding me? They’re totally discussable, and way more interesting than the boring multi-thread trollish crap you’ three are going on about.

    Shall I sum up?
    EricaP: I have bad experiences with men! I partially blame society!
    HunterProf: Society is not at fault, it’s your fault! Also I see women as conquests! Feminism sucks! *swings dick around*
    Everyone else: That’s awful! STFU!

    About right? LETS MOVE ON THEN.

  33. @129 “Nothing, as long as your man is willing to do stuff to “please his woman.” Otherwise it’s just rewarding bad behaviour.”

    -Ya I assumed we all knew the golden rule.

    And I never said only women would assume a negative connotation. Can anyone ever just give a man the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise? Must we always preface “pleasure your man” with “If he’s a nice guy”.

    I love Gloria Steinem as much as the next guy but give us some frickin credit already. We’re tired of pretending to care about curtain colours, we just wanna be accepted as men again.

  34. @133 Oh, sweetheart… Allow me to paraphrase/translate.

    “You’re just big fat ol’ femi-nazi man-hating dykes! Moan, moan, bitch whine, why won’t anybody love me?”

    Darling, I love me some mens. I just hate assholes. Perhaps you should try harder to be a man, and not just a dick.

  38. @138 I enjoy your comments but tangents are a large fraction of what goes on at The Stranger. Take a look at any other thread and you will see Canuck and Gloomy Gus having a private lovefest with each other that has nothing to do with the post (jeez guys! get a chatroom already). At least the off-topic conversation here is in keeping with SL as a category.

  41. Hey Dan,

    Just heard about the santorum thing again on Colbert’s show. I just want to say I love you, man. Two thousand fucking three you did that? And it’s STILL giving him fits?

    That’s just beautiful.

  42. Academiac:

    It’s ‘Hear, Hear’ – not ‘here here’.
    My penis helps me understand out ‘patriarchal’ tongue a little better.
    I’ll go back to reading my Hustler now. Smut writers have better grammar than the Stranger Hipster casualties commenting here about ruined vaginas and whatnot.

  43. sanguisuga

    I don’t care about whether or not you sleep with men. I get mine on regularly.

    Still though, you ever wonder why people vacation in places that AREN’T run by Feminist Elementary School Teachers? Nobody cares about veganism and organic panties except the special breed of daddy-haters that flock to the NW after reading Tom Robbins.

  44. We need help translating the Santorum (sexual neologism) wikipedia page into foreign languages. Rick Santorum’s page has currently been translated into 9 foreign languages, but Santorum (sexual neologism) only has one extra language.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_(s…)

    Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google’s search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don’t feel like translating the whole page.

  45. Okay, so now I’m worried about her – SNAZ. Do people ever write you back to tell you if they did or did not take your advice? I’d like to know if she is okay.

  46. We need help translating the Santorum (sexual neologism) wikipedia page into foreign languages. Rick Santorum’s page has currently been translated into 9 foreign languages, but Santorum (sexual neologism) only has one extra language.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_(s…)

    Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google’s search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don’t feel like translating the whole page.

  47. We need help translating the Santorum (sexual neologism) wikipedia page into foreign languages. Rick Santorum’s page has currently been translated into 9 foreign languages, but Santorum (sexual neologism) only has one extra language.

    Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google’s search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don’t feel like translating the whole page.

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