I’m a 41-year-old, very attractive, happily married woman. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. When we first met, the sex was absolutely incredible. After we got married, the sex was good, not great. This was because we were busy raising our children. (My husband had custody of 4-year-old twins, children from his first marriage, when we married.) After the girls went off to college, things went right back to absolutely incredible.
One night, we were talking about our sexual fantasies, and I confessed that since my mid-30s I’ve fantasized about being with a younger man. He told me that he’d be fine with me living out that fantasy if I would have a MFF threesome with him. I agreed, and we had the MFF threesome with a friend of mine.
Here’s my question: How do I go about finding a gorgeous college-age man? I thought about posting an ad on Craigslist, but you’ve said that most of the people on Craigslist are flakes and picture collectors. Do you have better suggestions for finding a straight college-age guy for a no-strings-attached encounter? I’m in the Pacific Northwest, if that makes a difference. Also, I’m a complete newbie to this, so I’d appreciate a rundown of all of the usual safety advice when meeting a stranger for sex.
Mrs. Robinson Seeks Benjamin
P.S. Here is my e-mail address in case any of your gorgeous, male, college-age readers in the Pacific Northwest are interested: [e-mail deleted].
I don’t print the e-mail addresses of readers looking for hookups, MRSB, as I am a professional advice columnist, thankyouverymuch, not a yentapimp for wannabe Mrs. Robinsons. (It also gives my lawyer fits. “What if you print this woman’s e-mail address and she meets a nice young man who turns out to be Ted Bundy?” says my lawyer, who is old enough to remember who Ted Bundy was.)
But save for asking me to print your e-mail address in the column, MRSB, I approve of everything you and your husband are doing. Married olds everywhere should follow your example: You got through the lean years with decent-if-uninspired sex, you didn’t become bitter about all that decent-if-uninspired sex, you got back to indecent-and-inspired sex once the kids headed to college (which you were able to do because you didn’t let yourselves get bitter), and—most importantly—instead of freaking out and shooting down each other’s sexual fantasies, you’re helping each other realize those fantasies. Brafuckingvo.
So how do you find the right young man? Trawl the net, like all the other horndogs, and get your husband to help. (You asked your friend to have that three-way, right? Your husband can place a few “hotwife” ads.) Yes, there are fakers and flakes on Craigslist—lots and lots—but there are some real boys to be had; there’s also FetLife.com and AshleyMadison.com and a million other hookup sites. Cast a wide net.
Once you’ve found a potential Benjamin: Make sure you know his real name, meet in public, discuss safety (condoms) and sexual health (tested recently?), and be sure to let him know that someone else—someone heavily armed—knows where you are and who you’re with and when you’re supposed to be back. Here’s the tricky part: If you don’t get a good feeling when you meet in person—if he seems dodgy, if his pics lied, if he gives off a rape-y/serial-killer-y/lawyer-y-
fit-vindicating vibe—don’t go through with it.
P.S. Oh, what the hell: MRSB’s e-mail address is j.e.robinson71@gmail.com. Have at her, Benjamins.
I’m a 24-year-old straight male. For the past six months, I’ve been dating an amazing GGG girl. We have amazing sex. The other night, after a week of no sex, I came on to her in bed. She turned me down and said that she was okay with me masturbating on the other side of the bed so she could sleep. After a very unsatisfying orgasm, I told her I understood her need to sleep, since we had an early engagement the next morning, but that this was difficult for me. She said we’d have great sex the next day, which we did. Which one of us needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again?
Fucking Early Engagement Botches Lovely Evening
A week is a long time to go without at your age and at six months and prekids, I realize, but it sounds like the girlfriend more than made it up to you the next day. As for who needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again (and it will)…
GGG demands a little something of both of you. GGG requires you to stop whining about having to wait 24 whole hours for awesome sex, FEEBLE, and GGG requires her—if she isn’t completely exhausted (and it appears she wasn’t, as she was still awake when your “very unsatisfying orgasm” was over)—to come through with a loving assist when you’re desperate and she’s not feeling it, i.e., lie with you, talk dirty to you, stick a finger up your butt—whatever—for the 5 or 10 minutes it takes you to drain your sack.
I’m writing to ask you to help me spread the word about an issue close to my heart. I am a 23-year-old woman without medical insurance who relies on Planned Parenthood. They have done SO MUCH for me. They have provided me with birth control, annual Pap smears that I can actually afford, and emotional support that helped me get over an abusive relationship and sexual assault.
The US House of Representatives passed a bill last week that would cut all federal funding for Planned Parenthood. This isn’t just an attack on American women. Planned Parenthood educates the entire community about sexual health and sexually transmitted infections. I know I don’t need to preach to you. I plan to write to my senators about this, and I am encouraging everyone I know to do so. What I ask is that you mention this in your column as soon as possible.
My Body, My Choice
Done and done, MBMC.
We used to have a regular feature at Savage Love called “Straight Rights Watch.” It lapsed when the Democrats took the House in 2006 and political attacks on the sexual freedoms of straight people decreased. But the GOP is back in charge of the House and state houses across the country, and attacks on the sexual freedoms of heterosexuals—attempts to ban abortion, restrict access to birth control, destroy Planned Parenthood (which doesn’t just serve straight people), even make it legal to kill abortion providers (!!!)—are back, and so, sadly, is Straight Rights Watch.
Hello? Heterosexuals? Your legislators need to hear from you, and they need to hear from you now. Go to www.istandwithplannedparenthood.org and add your name to an open letter to Congress, then swing over to
www.plannedparenthood.org, click Donate, and give what you can.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MADISON, WISCONSIN: Hey, don’t let those lying bastards at Fox News get you down. To everyone else: Meet the people who are taking a stand at www.youtube.com/wethepeoplewisconsin.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson…
Damn woman, good luck with the college dude hook-up thingy.
That probably should be “damn, woman”
My experience is that lots of people (myself included) really enjoy jacking/jilling off with an “assist” – sucking nipples, anal/vaginal fingering, pressing on the taint, playing with balls, whatever. Not only is it great when one partner is tired and the other is super horny, it’s a nice way to add some variety. Plus there’s something really intimate about watching your partner get him/herself off.
Sweet.
Dan, you might want to fix that link at the end of your column — parenthood.org isn’t the same as istandwithplannedparenthood.org
Otherwise great column, thanks.
MSRB: I suggest you visit a college town. In fact,I suggest one of the largest universities in the country: Madison Wisconsin. There are tens of thousands of people gathering around the capitol there every day lately. Most of them are not college age, but there are tons that are. And you would know that not only was your pick-up someone morally worthy of your ass, you would be doing democracy a favor as well. Win-win!
For MRSB, sites where the men have paid to be there (like AdultFriendFinder) have many fewer flakes. The guys there are motivated. Many are good looking, and they’re not looking for anything long-term. I’d add to Dan’s safety advice that if the person isn’t googleable and/or won’t give you his facebook info, I’d move on to the next cute hunk. You’re a hot commodity, so you don’t have to play even-stevens. You can give a fake name until after the meet-up in public, and only give him your real name after you trust that he’s a good person.
It’s sort of depressing, hearing about all these “extremely attractive” people having mind-blowing sex. Nice for them and i certainly wouldn’t want to take it away from anybody, but there’s a painful subtext here: Hot people get great sex, but un-hot people (and that’s most of us) pretty much don’t. Unless you can stomach paying for it. Anything to say about that, Dan? Probably not. There’s not much to say. A bitter fact of life i guess.
If Mrs R and her husband get one thosaund brownie points for doing things the right way, how many does she give back by insisting on a *gorgeous* partner for her romp? Had she gone for, say, high-end cute, I’d feel so much better about the chances of it all turning out well.
Aargh – thousand. It must be later than I think.
And do 24-year-olds who date girls deserve GGG partners?
Oh how awful. Having to wait an entire night to have sex? And your tired partner not even wanting to lend a begrudging hand or mouth? Of course she was still awake– her partner was masturbating beside her then whinging about it afterwards. Grow up. Being GGG is about being open to new experiences and straightforward with your feelings and preferences, not about being perpetually on-call.
re: FEEBLE, I don’t necessarily agree with Dan here. If his partner is really tired and feels the need to fall asleep, rousing herself enough to play with her partner’s asshole or talk dirty to him will possibly take more of her energy than lying back and having him fuck her. She’s just not up for it. Yes, it’s early and young for both of them, but when she’s trying to get herself off to lalaland, guilt-induced sex despite the promise (and delivery) of good sex tomorrow isn’t going to help her get the zzzs she might need to fuck him right tomorrow.
FEEBLE:
Guys have no excuse to be PMSing like that. You got laid the next day, so what’s the problem? Passive-aggressively complaining that Palmela Handerson wasn’t good enough is just going to piss off your girlfriend. Seriously, deal with it, like #12 says.
@9 Attitude + discipline = “hot.” You need to take steps to actually make yourself look good (in a way that you think looks good), and then project your own confidence in yourself. I’ve had the same style for the last three years, but it wasn’t until I finally started dropping weight (for myself) and feeling more confident that my sex life started improving. I never get “beautiful,” but I always get “sexy.” Don’t whine if you’re not getting good sex – you’re not looking in the right place.
Recently I’ve been with a man who doesn’t need much sleep, and it can be AWFUL. I like sex just as much as he does, and we have a lot of it, but man, I need eight hours of sleep. I have a very technical job and if I get behind on sleep I am screwed for days. So I’ve learned to just say: “We’re sleeping now,” when he pulls that shit. If he persists, I just say: “Look, you like being with me? You have to let me sleep, or it’s over.”
Brutal, but effective.
I suggest Mrs. Robinson check out OkCupid.com. It worked for me!
I suggest Mrs. Robinson check out OkCupid.com. It worked for me!
I must be Alien. Even when I was 24, one week was NOT a long time to go without sex. Jesus
If Mrs. Robinson doesn’t have luck with the flood of email messages I expect her to get, she can always try OkCupid.com- it worked for me!
I may be old school, but one place to meet college boys might be, uh, college. Surely they have basketball teams in the Pacific Northwest. Surely college boys go out to the bar after said basketball games. And surely alumni do as well. So, get some school colors and you and the hubby can hit up the local watering holes after the game.
If you’re patient, this will likely work even better during football season.
@9 it’s not about being hot. It’s about feeling hot. There’s a reason bbw porn exists – the women there are totally comfortable with their plus size (sometimes really plus size) bodies, and feel sexy and confident. You don’t need to change your pants size, you need to change your attitude.
So much trouble. Go to a freaking bar near a college and get laid, Mrs Robinson. Jeasis freyking xhryst how hard can it be for a chick to get laid, even over 40?
wtf??? why is everyone assuming that poster #9 is female and BBW? weight was not mentioned.
Dan, Dan! You did publish her e-mail address! Have you no fear of your lawyer?…
OK, let’s hope there are no Ted Bundies reading your column. There aren’t, are there? Are there?…
Hi, @9 here, thanks for your comments! Interesting indeed, the assumption that I’m a BBW. I’m not fat, though I am female. I’m thin but just kind of homely. I’ve always had trouble getting attention from guys. The guys who show interest are the ones who think they can’t do any better, you know? They talk to me but all the while glancing around at the better girls they can’t have. It’s an awful feeling. I’ve made passes at attractive people, but all I’ve gotten from that is horrified looks. We all learn where we rank fairly early in life, don’t you think?
@23, that can be pretty complicated by itself. And being afraid of strangers is not exactly stupid in today’s world. Even for men, let alone women, over 40 or not.
@26, Lourdes, have you spoken to a therapist about these concerns? Or to a friend, just to get a reality check? Many, many people think they are homely, when everyone else thinks they’re normal. And when they get rejected in love, they think it’s because of their looks, when really it’s just that most people who make passes get rejected most of the time.
I know if I’m horny/tired and the BF is not or is sleepy I have my vib. That’s a non-issue. Same goes for him; he’s got a hand and a ‘net full of porn. I don’t think guilting the weary party into ‘helping out’ will do anything but cause resentment. I know I’d get annoyed pretty quick.
@9, 26: I empathize with your situation. I have some thoughts.
First of all, on making passes at attractive people: well done, and do give yourself credit for stepping out and taking that risk. Not everyone does. That’s the kernel of courage you know you have, and that you can build on.
Second, don’t waste time with the guys who are looking around at all the supposedly better girls. Expect better yourself, and don’t settle. Meanwhile, your gut is telling you something: it’s not about the looking around but about the power dynamic behind it. In a healthy relationship both parties can look around and admire without undermining the relationship. And after a point, the story becomes “they may look attractive, and possibly are awesome in bed. whatever! meanwhile I’m getting totally awesome sex with my sweetie.”
Third, don’t waste time with people (partners or friends) who brag about their sex lives. Good people having good sex are gracious enough not to brag about it. And in your situation (i.e. the situation you describe yourself in) it’s an unnecessary source of distress. The world around us is, sadly, ungracious in this respect: all those movies and tv shows and adverts and internet that tell us we’re getting too little. Yes, sex is good and all, but cultivate a filter to block out the aggressive messaging. That aggressive messaging has its roots in insecurity, and you don’t need to let other people pawn off their own insecurity on you.
Fourth, when you contemplate your sex life/history, and start to feel that you have been dealt a bad hand: it’s appropriate to have some compassion for yourself. Acknowledge any sadness you may have. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, and at the same time hold yourself in love. It is useful distinguish self-compassion (healthy) from self-pity (not healthy).
Fifth, look up “kitten lion mirror” in Google images. It resonates with me — maybe with you too?
Sixth, identify the places in your life where you feel particularly good about yourself. What is your milieu? Where are you naturally happy? What activities capture your complete and joyful attention? Maybe right now there are only one or two small corners of your life where you feel that, or maybe several. Whatever it is, be there more! Invest in those parts of your life, and the people you find there.
Seventh, spend time with people who accept and reject advances gracefully and lovingly. Horrified looks come from people who are not secure in themselves and not secure in their capacity to say yes or no. Read “The Ethical Slut”. Making a pass at someone: is that an act of giving or an act of taking? Meditate on that question. Come to your own understanding of what that means.
Do all of those things, and you may still have to be patient, but you’ll be in the right place, and you’ll know what to do when the time comes.
@23, that can be pretty complicated by itself. And being afraid of strangers is not exactly stupid in today’s world. Even for men, let alone women, over 40 or not.
@26, I actually understand your concern. There often seems to be a ‘stock exchange market’ in looks, where people evaluate each other by their looks and decide what each others’ “net worth” is.
But here is the thing (coming from someone who also always thought he was kinda homely, and who got his share of horrified looks and rejections): it’s not just the genetic side (not just the face, the hair, the body shape, the color of the skin, the teeth, the eyes, the lips, the breasts, the ass, you name it); your attitude counts for a lot.
We’ve all seen those ‘strange couples’, the kind that makes others say ‘what did she see in him?’ or ‘what did he see in her?’. While this also confirms the ‘stock exchange market’ approach to pairing (or else why would people be surprised at all?), it certainly also shows that it’s not all in the looks.
Mata Hari was a very successful woman in terms of attracting interested males. She actually based her career, both as a dancer and as a spy, on that. Yet when I look at her my first impression is that she is quite homely (her appearance looks more like her real name, Margaretha Geertruida, than like ‘Mata Hari’, the ‘Eye of the Day’); if I saw her walking by in plain clothes I wouldn’t look twice. Still, she had charm and sex appeal (other words for the not-physical-appearance-related part of the attraction power that people can have).
Which means that things aren’t simple. They never are in real life, are they?
A final note: you say about the guys that do hit on you that they seem to be the kind who thinks they can’t do better. Do you also think so? Is it only they who look at other women when sitting with you (a phenomenon, by the way, well known to women in general, even pretty ones; men’s eyes are easily led astray), or do you also consider other men around and sigh, thinking about the one sitting in front of you? Usually it goes both ways…
@EricaP: There are real people that can’t give facebook info because they don’t have a facebook profil. Yes, in 2011, there still are a few.
FEEBLE, fuck yourself. Literally, as you just did. I mean, a week of no sex! Only God knows how you haven’t died from Sheer Lack of Action (a well-known medical condition … ask your doctor).
Does it matter if your girlfriend was exhausted, or just tired, or just not in the mood? Does it matter you both had a good reason just to relax and have a good night’s sleep?
She didn’t want to have sex, and amazingly, she even made it up to you later. You should be fucking thanking the gods she went ahead with fucking you the next day after you self-importantly informed her on your “difficulty.”
I’m just a year older than you and I’m disgusted by your idea of hardship in a relationship. I believe in being a helpful, GGG partner, but seriously, a week? She’s a person. She has other shit to do sometimes.
Here’s hoping you learn what an asshole move you pulled, and that you grow the hell up so you don’t lose this “amazing” girl.
@26 You prefer attractive people over homely people, but are upset that attractive people have the same standards you do? Hypocrisy much? The truth is, very people are irreversibly homely; they just don’t realize attractiveness can be dramatically changed with effort, or don’t care to put forth the effort.
So, you can decide to be fine with homely people. Or, if you really do have a preference for attractive people, you can do what attractive people do: Eat well, go to the gym, acquire clothing that looks good on you, and learn to properly apply makeup and do it every day before you leave the house. Or, you can continue to go through life overlooking less-attractive people while being mad that you’re overlooked because you feel you’re less attractive. But make no mistake – your problem then is you’re acting the same as the people you’re mad about.
@9 In my experience, the odds that a couple of homely people have great sex is much higher than the odds that a couple of very attractive people do. Of course, in order to be in a couple with a homely person, you have to stop focusing on very attractive people.
@31 If stranger on the internet is OK, stranger in the bar should be OK – judgment is the key in both cases.
Here, let me fix that last letter’s sign off: “My Body, My Choice…YOUR FUCKING TAX MONEY, SUCKER!”
Lady, if you want to have pills so you can fuck people, check up on your lady bits, etc. why the hell am I supposed to pay for that?
And if I am, guess what? I get to start imposing some conditions on the practice.
Much like farmers who complain about Big Guvmint, but happily cash those subsidy checks, you take my goddam money, and them get all bitchy and whiny if I (gasp!) reconsider that practice at a time when the government is spending way too much on all sorts of shit, much of which is more important than your goddam birth control pills.
Oh, and I voted for Obama, never watch Fox and don’t believe in god, so spare me the “right wingnut” rejoinders, m’kay?
A couple weeks ago in this column the middle age man got grief for wanting to screw around with younger women. He deserved the grief because it appeared that he wasn’t trying to enliven his relationship with his middle aged wife. However, he also generated tons of comments about how the young baristas were skeeved out by getting hit on by older men and how it was a boorish mid life crisis.
So why are the comments about a middle aged woman trying to hit on younger men so positive? Sure its positive that the husband and wife worked on this together. But isn’t it still an old fart assuming that younger people, much less beautiful younger people, are automatically attracted to them? Isn’t this just another mid life crisis?
@9 (and to reitarate @35) people who aern’t totally hot are more likely to be willing to put more effort into sex to make it awesome, whereas some super-hot folks might just assuem that whoever their fucking is just plain lucky that they’re there. 🙂
“@9 it’s not about being hot. It’s about feeling hot. There’s a reason bbw porn exists – the women there are totally comfortable with their plus size (sometimes really plus size) bodies, and feel sexy and confident. You don’t need to change your pants size, you need to change your attitude.”
Yeah, because nothing makes a guy hot like seeing the confidence shimmy by in a tight dress.
/eyeroll
Ladies, tough truth: guys find tits, ass, flat stomachs, etc. hot. Your confidence is way, way down on the list of things we want. In all my years, I never, ever heard a guy say of his current sex partner, “And man, you should SEE the confidence on her! Yowza!”
But hey, if you want to keep telling yourself that self-esteem is what Playboy, Hustler, Oui, etc. were selling all those years, feel free. Just don’t expect me to agree. And those guys who are all “Yeah, you go girl! Confidence is important!”, well, they lie.
Don’t be all butthurt, gals. I am just helping you get over the lies. Oh, and guys, yeah, size does matter. Accept it.
DAN!!!
Fix the istandwithplannedparenthood.org link!!!
It now takes you to a site called parenthood.org. This “online community” has a link to a page called STOPplannedparenthood.org. Not where you want to be sending people….
37: Spot on. Middle-aged women who hit on guys twenty years younger are not as hot as they think they are, in most cases. And compared to a twenty year old gal, well, there is typically no comparison.
When you realize that friendly woman your mom’s age sitting next to you in Econ 203 class is hitting on you, it kind of grosses you out.
Even if she is hot, it is still “hot for her age”, meaning she is sporting crows’ feet and cellulite, which is arresting when you are used to tight, smooth skin. If the gal is married to boot, the whole thing would be even more off-putting.
The gal should do what some suggest here and go directly to websites geared for this sort of thing.
It’s so disheartening to see that the Fox News footage of “Madison” has palm trees in the background. Seriously, how do they get away with that? Sometimes we (or maybe it’s just me) need a reminder not to get too down over it. It’s too absurd. Thanks Dan.
@37 I think the difference is in the letter writers’ attitudes. The old married dude spoke with a tone that essentially said, “I think I’m so awesome that my wife should be doing all the work to keep it interesting and, if she doesn’t, I’ll just dump her and dive into the world of young pussy that I KNOW awaits me if I leave her.” Cocky much? People (myself included) reacted negatively to older guy wanting younger chicks because his letter basically said, “Hi…I want to DIVORCE MY WIFE and go after younger chicks because my WHOLE FAMILY is effing BORING.” He referred to hanging out with his kids as a mundane task. He didn’t really make it seem like he was putting forth any effort at all. And, again, he was going to divorce his wife to be with these younger women. That’s vastly different than saying, “I love you, honey, but I’d like to bone a young stud.” The lady’s letter is about a couple’s cooperation to make their sex life awesome together. If you read all the comments on that thread in response to the older dude, you’d see that several people suggest he do the same–ask his wife if they could bone other people openly. That takes care of any perceived double standard. Their problems aren’t the same just because they want to go out and bone younger folk. Their problems–and people’s attitudes towards their problems–are vastly different because of the way they’re going about it. Also, no one ever reacts well to arrogant assholes.
IMHO both men and women usually at some point get a little age-gap curiousity. But women generally get hit on by older men all the time and the novelty wears off by the time they’re about 17 or 18. Guys don’t usually get that kind of attention until they finally finish puberty and put on a bit of muscle, so around college age. He’s way more likely to try it out just to see how it is and check off that box. And just to tell his buddies he did.
Yeah he’d probably rather get with the slamming hottie who sits in front of him in Econ and spends the whole time on her iPhone but you know what? There’s all semester to get to that. That’s the beauty of college.
@36 and how many of us ladies have been on health insurance policies that screw us over on birth control pills while our monthly payments subsidize your viagra?
Whether you’re the parent or the tax-payer: birth control pills are cheaper than unwanted babies. Pap smears are cheaper than cervical cancer. Preventive care is actually really cost effective, there are few better uses of taxpayer money, but maybe the specter of LADYBITS receiving preventive care is what’s freaking you out.
I don’t think you’re a wingnut, just a sexist who probably doesn’t even realize it.
omg, her inbox (& eventually her box box) is going to be flooded!
Ms R has nothing to worry about. Like someone pointed out before, she is the prize; not the young stud. For every horny wife there are 10 young studs looking looking for a piece. Throw in the NSA factor (since she is happily married there is virtually no chance she will want a relationship) & you will have a line of guys wainting their turn. Hey, there’s a fantasy right there!
I agree with @45!
@39
Some men believe women are people, rather than a collection of independently attractive body parts. Many of these men also find confidence attractive.
wait … if those issues don’t just affect straight people, why is it straights rights watch?
Oh, and I voted for Obama, never watch Fox and don’t believe in god, so spare me the “right wingnut” rejoinders, m’kay?
Based on this and your subsequent comment, I won’t call you a “right wingnut.” How does “misogynist asshole” work for you? Or maybe “sexist bastard.” Possibly “woman-hating prat.” Or would you prefer something else?
The right doesn’t have a monopoly on any of those, there are plenty on the left and in the middle.
I’m a homely gay guy — talk about handicap! — but I learned a long time ago that looks aren’t everything. Personality counts for a lot, and attitude, and a sense of humor–*especially* about myself. (Forget who said it, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, other people will take up the slack, and you won’t enjoy it as much.) Not that I don’t still get rejected a lot, but it’s more likely to be “No thank you” rather than horrified looks — and I’ve also been pleasantly surprised more than once.
@38 — exactly!