I’m a 41-year-old, very attractive, happily married woman. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. When we first met, the sex was absolutely incredible. After we got married, the sex was good, not great. This was because we were busy raising our children. (My husband had custody of 4-year-old twins, children from his first marriage, when we married.) After the girls went off to college, things went right back to absolutely incredible.

One night, we were talking about our sexual fantasies, and I confessed that since my mid-30s I’ve fantasized about being with a younger man. He told me that he’d be fine with me living out that fantasy if I would have a MFF threesome with him. I agreed, and we had the MFF threesome with a friend of mine.

Here’s my question: How do I go about finding a gorgeous college-age man? I thought about posting an ad on Craigslist, but you’ve said that most of the people on Craigslist are flakes and picture collectors. Do you have better suggestions for finding a straight college-age guy for a no-strings-attached encounter? I’m in the Pacific Northwest, if that makes a difference. Also, I’m a complete newbie to this, so I’d appreciate a rundown of all of the usual safety advice when meeting a stranger for sex.

Mrs. Robinson Seeks Benjamin

P.S. Here is my e-mail address in case any of your gorgeous, male, college-age readers in the Pacific Northwest are interested: [e-mail deleted].

I don’t print the e-mail addresses of readers looking for hookups, MRSB, as I am a professional advice columnist, thankyouverymuch, not a yentapimp for wannabe Mrs. Robinsons. (It also gives my lawyer fits. “What if you print this woman’s e-mail address and she meets a nice young man who turns out to be Ted Bundy?” says my lawyer, who is old enough to remember who Ted Bundy was.)

But save for asking me to print your e-mail address in the column, MRSB, I approve of everything you and your husband are doing. Married olds everywhere should follow your example: You got through the lean years with decent-if-uninspired sex, you didn’t become bitter about all that decent-if-uninspired sex, you got back to indecent-and-inspired sex once the kids headed to college (which you were able to do because you didn’t let yourselves get bitter), and—most importantly—instead of freaking out and shooting down each other’s sexual fantasies, you’re helping each other realize those fantasies. Brafuckingvo.

So how do you find the right young man? Trawl the net, like all the other horndogs, and get your husband to help. (You asked your friend to have that three-way, right? Your husband can place a few “hotwife” ads.) Yes, there are fakers and flakes on Craigslist—lots and lots—but there are some real boys to be had; there’s also FetLife.com and AshleyMadison.com and a million other hookup sites. Cast a wide net.

Once you’ve found a potential Benjamin: Make sure you know his real name, meet in public, discuss safety (condoms) and sexual health (tested recently?), and be sure to let him know that someone else—someone heavily armed—knows where you are and who you’re with and when you’re supposed to be back. Here’s the tricky part: If you don’t get a good feeling when you meet in person—if he seems dodgy, if his pics lied, if he gives off a rape-y/serial-killer-y/lawyer-y-
fit-vindicating vibe—don’t go through with it.

P.S. Oh, what the hell: MRSB’s e-mail address is j.e.robinson71@gmail.com. Have at her, Benjamins.

I’m a 24-year-old straight male. For the past six months, I’ve been dating an amazing GGG girl. We have amazing sex. The other night, after a week of no sex, I came on to her in bed. She turned me down and said that she was okay with me masturbating on the other side of the bed so she could sleep. After a very unsatisfying orgasm, I told her I understood her need to sleep, since we had an early engagement the next morning, but that this was difficult for me. She said we’d have great sex the next day, which we did. Which one of us needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again?

Fucking Early Engagement Botches Lovely Evening

A week is a long time to go without at your age and at six months and prekids, I realize, but it sounds like the girlfriend more than made it up to you the next day. As for who needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again (and it will)…

GGG demands a little something of both of you. GGG requires you to stop whining about having to wait 24 whole hours for awesome sex, FEEBLE, and GGG requires her—if she isn’t completely exhausted (and it appears she wasn’t, as she was still awake when your “very unsatisfying orgasm” was over)—to come through with a loving assist when you’re desperate and she’s not feeling it, i.e., lie with you, talk dirty to you, stick a finger up your butt—whatever—for the 5 or 10 minutes it takes you to drain your sack.

I’m writing to ask you to help me spread the word about an issue close to my heart. I am a 23-year-old woman without medical insurance who relies on Planned Parenthood. They have done SO MUCH for me. They have provided me with birth control, annual Pap smears that I can actually afford, and emotional support that helped me get over an abusive relationship and sexual assault.

The US House of Representatives passed a bill last week that would cut all federal funding for Planned Parenthood. This isn’t just an attack on American women. Planned Parenthood educates the entire community about sexual health and sexually transmitted infections. I know I don’t need to preach to you. I plan to write to my senators about this, and I am encouraging everyone I know to do so. What I ask is that you mention this in your column as soon as possible.

My Body, My Choice

Done and done, MBMC.

We used to have a regular feature at Savage Love called “Straight Rights Watch.” It lapsed when the Democrats took the House in 2006 and political attacks on the sexual freedoms of straight people decreased. But the GOP is back in charge of the House and state houses across the country, and attacks on the sexual freedoms of heterosexuals—attempts to ban abortion, restrict access to birth control, destroy Planned Parenthood (which doesn’t just serve straight people), even make it legal to kill abortion providers (!!!)—are back, and so, sadly, is Straight Rights Watch.

Hello? Heterosexuals? Your legislators need to hear from you, and they need to hear from you now. Go to www.istandwithplannedparenthood.org and add your name to an open letter to Congress, then swing over to
www.plannedparenthood.org, click Donate, and give what you can.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MADISON, WISCONSIN: Hey, don’t let those lying bastards at Fox News get you down. To everyone else: Meet the people who are taking a stand at www.youtube.com/wethepeoplewisconsin.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

178 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. FEEBLE’s girlfriend should offer him mammary sex. It requires little effort on the woman’s part, and is a good alternative when you just don’t feel like having sex, for whatever reason.

  4. @36 You should pay for it because giving them the pills is much, much cheaper than having them get pregnant.

    @37 It’s different because the ratio of middle-aged men who would like to get with a younger woman compared to the number of younger women who would like to get with a middle-aged man is far, far higher than the ration of middle-aged women who would like to get with a younger man compared to the number of younger men who would be happy to get with that middle-aged woman.

    Also, women in general are more skeeved out about being hit on by men in general, especially in unfamiliar circumstances, regardless of age, where as most times if a women this up a strange man, the answer is “Yes, please.”

  5. @33 Yes, some people don’t have facebook, and aren’t what I call googleable because their picture doesn’t show up connected with their work in any way.

    For safety reasons, I don’t meet those people. I want an NSA guy to know that my husband will be able to find him if there’s any trouble.

  6. MBMC – I’m so happy that you found a government handout that you like.

    Now please get a job and stop mooching of the rest of us.

  7. Dan: I’ve been getting tested at the Howard Brown Youth Center since I was sixteen years old. Nowhere else in the city of Chicago is there both a welcoming environment with free STI testing. Now, I’m certain you’re familiar with Howard Brown, their projects, and their recent financial troubles. For the help they’ve given me they’re both dear to my heart and the heart of my heterosexual boyfriend.

    If Howard Brown has helped me, a heterosexual female, I beg of you to realize that health is not a sexual issue. Planned Parenthood has been a service to myself, of course, but also to many of my lesbian friends.

    Dan, health and access are not an issue of sexual identification. They’re needed by everyone.

    Thanks.

  8. @45 There is no reason to expect health insurance to cover birth control for contraceptive purposes. Health insurance is meant to cover treatments for injury and illness. Ability to get pregnant is not an injury or illness. Not being able to get it up is.

    A better analogy would be that if health insurance is going to cover Viagra, it should also cover fertility treatments, as inability to bear children IS an illness.

    That said, I would think it’s much cheaper for a health insurance plan to pay for birth control than to pay for pregnancies, so don’t understand why birth control isn’t readily covered as a cost-saving measure.

  9. I never understand men that bitch about birth control issues as just being about women. Sure, we have the babies, but last time I check there was a man that was just as equally responsible for the pregnancy. So, she may be taking the birth control pills, but it’s benefiting at least one man, if not many — it really is an issue that affects a lot of people, not just straight chicks (and that’s before getting into the argument that it just saves a lot of money in the longrun as bc pills are waaaaay cheaper than unwanted children).

  12. Thank you Dan for posting the Planned Parenthood petition link. I signed it IMMEDIATELY. I agree that PP provides much needed health care far beyond pregnancy prevention and the GOP is engaged in a total assault on women! GRR

  13. @59

    Health insurance is for health care, and everyone needs that. Preventative care falls under the heading of “health care,” Also, pregnancy is for goddamn sure a major health issue! Without health care, you know how many fucking pregnant women would die? Especially when, you know, they have to do the whole giving birth thing? There is also the health of the child, which is kind of an important thing. Inability to get it up is not always an “illness,” often it is just the result of time marching on. The same is true for a lot of women who can’t get pregnant. All of these issues are health concerns, though, and, again, that is the point of health insurance–not what happens to fit various definitions of “illness.” I agree with you that it’s cost-effective to include birth control under health insurance, and it’s true that following the why-pay-for-viagra-but-not-birth-control argument is a little weak under closer examination–but that argument is strictly meant to highlight the disparity between men’s sexual health and women’s.

    Sorry for being a bit rude during this post–I get carried away when I’ve had too much caffeine 🙂

  15. If MSRB wants to meet someone in the Pacific Northwest, she’ll pretty much have to do it online. That’s the only way they communicate. (Ex-Seattlite here)

  17. FEEBLE should be careful. I consider myself GGG and will happily “assist” my partner if he is horny and I am tired or disinterested. As a woman, just letting him have sex with me is the easiest method. However, one must not let this happen too often. 1) the sleepy partner will eventually come to resent the situation, 2) the eager partner can slip into skipping steps (e.g. foreplay…) and 3) mediocre sex is just not good for a loving relationship.

    The right birth control, sufficient sleep, a clean house, and healthy habits will work wonders to improve your woman’s sexual appetite. Trust me.

  18. For all the dudes whining abuot the “older women” hitting on them, and how gross crows feet and wrinkles are….BOYS, and I do mean BOYS, I assure you, you are missing out. I am 38 and sooooo much better in bed then I was when I was in my 20’s and all body concious….And I bet Mrs. Robinson up there in her 40’s is even better, as I hear it gets even more delightful in your 40’s! I mean, to each their own, if you would trade dewy skin and timidity for a little bit looser skin and complete voraciousness and know how….well, I think its a foolish trade off, but, I prefer men my age as well.

    And hell, I would much rather my tax money go to fund b/c then to support unwanted children for life. Duh. Which one do you think will save money in the long run? People are gonna fuck, like it or not. I agree with the poster above who wants to know why the right wing wants to ruin and be the moral police for every damned thing. Thats the question of the millenium right there.

  21. “After a very unsatisfying orgasm, I told her I understood her need to sleep, since we had an early engagement the next morning, but that this was difficult for me.”

    Seriously? “That was very difficult for me”?! I’d totally be on board with Dan’s advice if you didn’t come off as a passive aggressive asshat with that sentence. No wonder she was still awake, what with you huffing disappointedly in the corner. GGG != up for it at all times, and if my partner behaved so poorly on the unusual occasion that I turned him down, I wouldn’t be too excited about giving an assist either.

  22. Mrs Robinson, definitely give AdultFriendFinder a try. (Swinglifetyle.com and lifestylelounge.com are other possibilities.) A good-looking female playing solo is a hot commodity with guys of all ages. Get a feeling for the person’s character first from their profile and email exchanges, maybe meet once in a public place without the expectation of play, then if it feels right, go for it! Most of the people I’ve met from AFF have been lovely. In fact I’m now nearly 2 years into a relationship with a wonderful man I found there for dirty NSA sex!

  23. Thank you, My Body, My Choice! And thank you, Dan, for printing her letter and more information. Planned Parenthood helps women AND men, gay AND straight!

  24. @69, FTW. There are plenty of women, both younger and older, who prefer older men. A frequent comment is that older men are less selfish and more patient than younger. So enjoy yourself, Mrs. R, but I bet you’ll find that out for yourself.

  25. Thank you so much Dan for giving a shout out to the people of WI. I spent two nights sleeping on the marble floors of the capital building and what I experienced there is something so amazing and wonderful I will treasure it for the rest of my life. True working class solidarity. Thanks for standing with us!

    And BTW you rock!

  27. @69 – You said, it girl! I love being 38. It’s only been getting better and better since my early thirties. Voracious is right. You couldn’t pay me to be 22 again…

  28. But I am ethically non-monogomous in the Northwest, get laid all the time (with my wife’s approval) and I have a little more advice for for Mrs. Robinson. If you are in Seattle or Portland, try Lustlab. It is a small-ish site (and is operated by The Stranger, Dan’s paper!), and you have to pay, but it seems filled with real people who are pretty much who and what they say they are.

    You might also try OK cupid. It is a main-stream dating site, but it is really good, and seems to be where the ethically non monogamous people hang out. Their website even supports the concept. For instance, married people looking are listed as “available”. Once you answer enough match questions, all sorts of interesting people start to pop up.

    btw, if you are curious, my lustlab profile name is ohthetrees

    And you were crazy to put your email address out there! Good luck!

  29. The Walk for Choice Saturday February 26 was an international response to the attacks on abortion. The #dearjohn twitter campaign was an international “fuck you” to Boehner, with millions standing up vocally & forcefully for our rights. Mainstream media has ignored the Walk for Choice, so get active!

    While taking away Planned Parenthood is insane, there are really things so much worse.

    The House votes to fund contraceptives for wild horses on the same day Title X (Planned Parenthood) is de-funded and nothing.

    There is a bill in the House that would allow hospitals to turn women away when they need life saving abortions.

    “Forcible” rape becomes the language of a bill used to bar women from getting federal funds for abortion.

    The Stupak on Steroids, HR 3, permanently changes legislative code to forever bar funding for abortions, even for servicewomen who work in an environment with a 1 in 3 chance of sexual assault, and a less than 10% conviction rate of perps. Without proving rape in that hostile environment (which is impossible because the military condones rapists), one cannot have an abortion, even if it’s with her own money.

    South Dakota put forth a law allowing “justifiable homicide” of abortion care providers.

    Georgia lawmaker wants every miscarriage investigated as a homicide, suggesting women
    1 – are responsible for natural miscarriages and
    2 – women don’t have a right to decide if & when they’ll be pregnant.

    Jump into the powerful campaign to send him photos of your monthly flow & male emissions that will never make babies, feel free to add crime scene tape to the photos, as you feel you may be unconsciously be committing homicide. http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2011/…

  30. @62
    Yes you can & should! They voted to take away international funding for family planning services, services where $1 spent = $4 in savings. Just include as much info as you can!

  31. @59

    Listen, just because women can choose if & when to have babies doesn’t mean birth control isn’t health care. It is! Getting pregnant is a major health event. Preventing pregnancy is a health issue.

    Quality of life is what all western medicine try to create.

  32. @75 Actually, it’s older men who are more selfish. Younger men are more giving, in my experience, tho it sounds like she has a GGG husband.

  33. Thanks for another good column, Dan, and also for the Planned Parenthood shout-out! Sign it, ladies and gentlemen, and donate some cash if you are able. PLEASE.

  36. In regards to MSRB: All fabulous advice, but just some clarification–FetLife is not really a hookup site; it’s a BDSM community (think facebook for kinksters). Yes, some people use it for hookups, but really, that’s not the attitude of most people on the site and those looking for hookups aren’t as successful as on other sites.

  37. @59 – you have to go to the doctor for it, a lot, they have to sew you up afterwards, and hopefully you can still hold your pee – pretty sure pregnancy is a health issue.

  38. Many of these postings seem to assume that when straight old guys get tired and bored of tired and boring sex, the first thing they do is start to hit on juicy young things.

    Yes, this is the cliche — and for good reason. But there are a few of us who find women our own age sexy and pursue them like hound dawgs. They’re a lot more likely to know what their own pleasure takes. They have the patience to makes it last for us both, and if you chose right they have the confidence and self-possession that comes from living as adults for awhile.

    It’s hard to avoid the suspicion that what actually turns on many older guys about these young babes is not the sex, but simply a power trip to their fragile egos.

    But there are a few of us who don’t take part in that. I’ll never forget that the first knowledgeable and patient lover I ever had was 50.

    Sure, go ahead and make fun of these old codgers who make fools of themselves chasing people in their 20s. But don’t assume that every older guy who cares about great sex is perforce one of them.

  39. @59 Not being able to get it up is not an illness or injury but a usually consequence of poor health in general and age and is in no way a detriment to the physical health of the person. Pregnancy is certainly detrimental to the health of the mother, it takes years off of your lifespan, can kill you, and generally shreds your genitals. ED treatment for mental health, ok, but not physical health. And usually mental health treatment is significantly limited by most health insurance. In terms of priorities? Birth control far outweighs the need for ED treatment, most people would agree. But old men make the rules. I bet you would see a baldness cure covered before you’d see universal birth control coverage.

  40. hey dan, can we come up with a better name for the female equivalent of a cuckold fetishist than “hotwife”? uhg. this has been bothering me for awhile.

  42. @ Lourdes (#9)
    Naw, in traditional, main stream “hotness”, I’m totally “unhot”. I’m average looking in the face, have an ok body except my boobs are kinda not that great (really small with big nipples), and in all, I’m like totally a 6 or 7 on a good day.
    That said, my sex life is smoking hot, and I consistently have awesome sex with people who are moderately traditionally attractive. Yeppers. It’s all about forgetting what you look like and just appreciating how hot you look while you’re doing it. And then getting into you know, actually doing it.
    That said, in my eyes, me and my partners are fucking hot.

  43. OHMIGOD.
    Hi rich people. Here’s the rationale for why you should pay for poorer people’s preventative health care.

    If you don’t pay for their preventative health care, they get sick.

    if you don’t pay for them to get healthy/stay healthy, they can’t work for you, and your company suffers. If you don’t pay for them to stay healthy, we get epidemics that spread to rich people and make YOU SICK. You don’t want to get sick? You want the economy to function? Then you pay for poor people’s healthcare. When poor people can’t pay for things (like healthcare, other bills because of healthcare bills) they commit crime out of necessity. You don’t want to pay for my health care? Welcome to Typhoid Fever, Dysentry, Influenza, Cholera, Tuberculosis, Measles, and Crime.

  45. Mrs. Robinson, you might have an easier time than you realize.

    I’m 48 years old, heavier than I would like to be, and I have luggage under my eyes. However, I am well groomed, attractive and personable.

    A couple of weeks ago, I went to a younger friends birthday party at a dance club. 20 – somethings were approaching right and left to dance with me. Unlike “back in the day”, they just start dirty dancing. If it weren’t for my friend running interference, I’m sure I would have gotten up close and personal to several young men.

    Last Saturday I went with my husband to a bar. He played in a band for about 2 hours. While he was on-stage, I must have had 8 guys approach me.

    The benefit of meeting in person for me, is that there is less chance for rejection. If a guy isn’t attracted, he won’t approach me – no rejection. Last Saturday, a tall, gorgeous college student asked me to dance. There was no chemistry. The guy who was hottest in person may not have looked great in a photograph. He was big and thick – pure muscle, but he may not have photographed so well. He had a perfect teeth, a great personality – hot, hot hot.

  46. Hi folks. I’m willing to risk the shit storm, so have at it, mmkay?

    Not all Republicans are evil, greedy, and determined to take away all your perceived rights. Just like not all Democrats are convinced that all people everywhere should have the exact same amount of money and privilege regardless of personal contributions.

    I know this isn’t the right forum – hell, this is one of the least friendly sites for conservatives out there – but how about if those of you criticizing conservatives for their “evil ways” practice what you preach and allow us to have our opinions. Just because we might disagree with some of your views doesn’t make us evil, just like being gay, which is different than the majority of human beings, doesn’t make Dan evil.

    Big Brother isn’t a function of conservatives. It’s a function of the Politically Correct folks who want to jam opinions down everyone elses’ throats, and punish detractors. We can disagree as long as we all play nice, on BOTH sides.

  47. Planned Parenthood is an amazing place for its educational and medical services. However.. is it really fair to be paying for free birth control to women for life, as opposed to maybe…hey, I couldn’t afford it this month, let me go to PP? As we all know, some people will take advantage of what is free forever as long as they can get away with it. Sexual health and the products/services/prescriptions that go with that should be factored into expenses from a personal level. And like most things, if you can’t afford it, go the cheaper route i.e. condoms.

  48. @H2, if you are traditionally “totally unhot,” and average-looking in the face and body, you are a 5-6. 5 is “average.” 6 is “cute.” 7 is “pretty.”

    That said, you are right–looks alone really don’t play into it. A lot of people just project charisma–if they’re fun, flirty, and confident (dressing well also helps), the can get all sorts of people interested in them. And they tend to have great sex with whoever they go home with. I know a guy who is quite good looking and tends to shack up with extremely pretty girls–but there have been a few girls among his exes who were average at best. Looking at photos of them, and knowing his general preferences, I asked about it, and he said that yeah, maybe Lara or Nicole weren’t picture-pretty, but they had an energy about them, and were smart and fun and outgoing, and that made them interesting and attractive to him. And this is from a self-professed shallow guy who says his type is “hot. just hot” in most cases.

    (And this goes for ALL self-proclaimed high-standards horndogs I know–even if they generally go for “model-pretty” not a one of them doesn’t have a few “average” girls in their history that they still speak of fondly because of how “fun and interesting and charismatic” they were, and often these are the girls they wanted to date more seriously. And when I say “average” I don’t mean a 7, I don’t mean “pretty cute,” I mean really quite unprepossessing-looking.)

    On the other hand, I know a number of really very pretty girls (cute faces, nice figures) who are shy, who hide behind their hair, who aren’t very social or outgoing, who hang back and are stilted and awkward in company–and they don’t get much play at all.

    You really have to be either a 10 or a 1 to totally succeed or fail in the dating pool based only on your looks.

  49. Methinks Mrs. “very attractive” Robinson is not going to have to wait long to fulfill her fantasy. Good for her!

    FEEBLE is 24 years old and the girlfriend is already stretching it out to a week at a time? LMFAO: This kid has no fucking clue. None. FEEBLE: Your once a week girlfriend is going to turn into a once every 2 months wife- if you are lucky. If not it will be twice a year. Run, don’t walk for the exit. I promise you your life with this girl will be daily hell. Sure you can make the quality over quantity argument but I am not aware of when fucking a 24 year old girlfriend can be anything but “great.” I started my marriage- like just about every couple does- fucking like rabbits. We didn’t miss a day for over a year so it is significant that 15 years later- just today- I finally decided to go for it: I am going to duck tape a fleshlight to my loving and affectionate Labradoodle.

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