Long story short: I cheated on my boyfriend three years ago. I admitted it nine months ago, and we’ve been in couples counseling for six months. My BF is very responsive in therapy, where we’re working on his control issues, and he says everything the therapist expects him to during a session. Twenty-four hours later, though, he’ll say, “I was listening to Dan Savage’s podcast…” then take back everything he said to our therapist. He then ignores our therapist’s advice because of some advice you gave to a differently situated couple!
Could you please tell your readers and listeners who are in counseling to ignore you and listen to their therapists?
Your No-Good Counsel
I won’t go that far, YNGC—I will not be ignored—but I will go this far: It sounds like your boyfriend is still angry about the affair and isn’t being fully honest during those therapy sessions. He’s saying what he thinks the therapist wants to hear instead of owning his anger—pardon my psychobabble—and justifies his postsession backsliding/truth-telling by pointing to some fool thing I might have said on the podcast.
You can tell him that I said it’s fine if he’s still angry, and that’s something he might want to talk with your therapist about, but I would appreciate being left out of it. And you can tell him I also said this: If he wants to stay with you, then he needs to forgive you and work on rebuilding trust. If he can’t forgive you, he needs to leave you. But to jerk you around like this—even if you’re the one who transgressed—is a dick move. And it’s not the kind of dick move that I want to be associated with so, again, he should leave me out of it.
All of that said, YNGC, I’m thinking your boyfriend isn’t being honest with your therapist—about his anger, about your relationship, about anything—because he maybekindasorta perceives these sessions to be a joint effort to shift the blame for your affair onto his shoulders. (A joint effort on the part of you and your therapist.) You say you’re “working on his control issues” during these sessions. That’s nice. If your boyfriend has control issues, YNGC, then by all means work on ’em. If you’re not working on your own issues—if your therapist doesn’t think you have any issues—then I don’t blame your boyfriend for not taking your therapist or these sessions seriously.
I’m a 24-year-old female and I’ve just started seeing a great guy. The chemistry was insane—he’s a great kisser, he loves going down—and this had me thinking that the sex would also be great.
We’ve now slept together a few times and… it could be better. He’s got all the moves—not to mention being really well endowed—but he just lies there like a dead fish. Very little thrusting and he doesn’t use his hands. I’ve asked him to do it doggie style (some improvement) and I’ve said stuff like “Faster! Harder!” (also with some improvement). But any momentum he gets is fleeting. It’s like he’s thinking too much about the act instead of losing himself in it.
I really like him and enjoy his company. But sexual compatibility is really important, too! How can I address the “dead fish” issue? Is this going to be a deal breaker?
Everything But The Sex
He appears to be concentrating (“thinking too much about the act”), he keeps thrusting to a minimum, he isn’t using his hands in ways that might heighten your arousal or his own… hmm…
You might want to ask this great guy—who does great with at least one sex act (oral), but not great with at least one other (vaginal intercourse), but has already demonstrated the ability to improve (if only fleetingly)—if he used to have a problem with premature ejaculation.
Based on your description of what he’s doing/not doing, EBTS, it sounds like your boyfriend is following the standard-issue advice given to premature ejaculators. To train themselves to last longer, preemies are advised to concentrate, to pay close attention to their arousal levels (so they don’t get to the “moment of no return” too quickly), to thrust slowly and carefully, and to not overload themselves with too much additional stimuli (groping your breasts with his hands, say, while he’s inside you). Your boyfriend may not be really “losing himself” in sex because he fears it will result in him coming too soon. This would also explain why he’s a different man—and a better lay—when he’s going down on you.
If I’m right, and PE is the issue, you can work on upping the intensity levels. It’ll take time, EBTS, but it sounds like this guy is worth the investment.
I’m a 27-year-old gay man in a three-year relationship. My boyfriend has always been the mature one, I the immature one. Yesterday, I discovered he has a special e-mail account to look for sex with strangers. I saw chats and other evidence of cheating. We are not having safe sex since quite a long time. We are planning to start living together soon. He has always told me that he is incapable of cheating and many times said that if one of us would fail and cheat, it would be me.
I haven’t talked to him. I cannot sleep.
Help My Disappointed Heart
Your boyfriend is a manipulative POS. He wanted the freedom to fuck other guys but didn’t want his boyfriend to enjoy the same freedom. So he made you feel like you were the problem—he convinced you that you were the immature one and that you were the one most likely to cheat, he maliciously undermined your self-esteem—so that you would be too busy worrying about and scrutinizing your own shortcomings to notice his. DTMFA.
BEFORE WE GO: So… I’ve got some space to kill, and not sure what to do with it.
Do I come to the defense of J. Michael Bailey, the Northwestern University prof being attacked for inviting his adult students to stay after his popular human sexuality class to watch two adults engage in a wholly relevant display of human sexuality? Do I beat the hell out of Maryland’s backstabbing, born-again bigot Sam “Political Suicide” Arora? (Don’t have the room to unpack his transgression, dear readers, so you’ll just have to trust me on this: Send a furious e-mail expressing nonspecific disgust to sam.arora@house.state.md.us.)
Do I ask my readers to go to www
.recalltherepublican8.com and make a donation? Or go off on the latest anti-gay religious bigot to be exposed as a hypocritical sexperv? (Again, no room to unpack here—you’ll just have to Google “Reverend Grant Storms,” “arrested for masturbating in a public park,” and “children were present” for all the details.)
Or do I use this space to promote the upcoming release of the It Gets Better book—It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living, edited by Dan Savage and Terry Miller—which comes out March 22 and can be preordered now at www.itgetsbetter.org or Amazon.com?
Oh shit. Out of space.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Fixed it.
Well, I thought I fixed it. Maybe not.
@38, agreed. I was just taking issue with the idea that hours-long sex is necessarily better for both parties than short-but-sweet sex.
I’m thinking YNGC’s boyfriend isn’t the only one with control issues…
To EBTS: You mentioned doggie style….maybe try being on top? I bet Dan is right about the whole preemie bit, and sometimes, if the woman has control, he will last longer, and then you can take his hands and put them on your body.
I third Melony and EricaP: not all women want to be pounded for hours at a time.
Penetration turns me on and makes me feel close to my partner, but it doesn’t make me orgasm or even bring me close to one (I’m not a g-spot intensive sorta gal). Plus my bf is on the larger side – I would almost say too large for my preternaturally tight vagina – so thrusting gets irritating pretty fast. My favourite part of P-in-V sex is, in fact, watching/feeling my bf come.
So most days, I’d consider lots of foreplay and then 5-10 minutes of sex absolutely ideal. But most guys I’ve been with are super-paranoid and feel like they’re failures if they take less than an hour.
(Meanwhile, I find myself bragging to dudes about how fast I orgasm, since guys seem to hate it when women take a while to get off. Irony!)
I agree with cvilletop, no matter what you will loose your house, dogs etc, get out of a relationship if you cannot trust the other person. there is no point in holding on all it will do will leave you crazy angry and bitter, and it will take you longer to recover, than to say I’m out of here.
@57 – it’s not really irony… It’s really the same:
You like it when the guy orgasms with 5-10 minutes of intercourse, because the action isn’t moving you towards orgasm.
Similarly, a guy likes it when a girl comes with 5-10 minutes of him stimulating her clit, because the action isn’t moving him towards orgasm.
I’m sorry but if you’re in couples counselling with someone who is a BOYFRIEND for MONTHS over what appears to be a one time incident THREE YEARS AGO it’s time to DTMFA. Seriously. There’s a reason y’all aren’t married. Enjoy it.
EricaP: put that way, it makes sense. But it’s still funny. Guys are all “Hey, baby! I take an hour to come!” and I’m all “Hey, baby! I go off in two minutes!”
I hate that P-in-V is such a huuuuuge part of sex…to the point where most people call P-in-V “sex” and consider all other sex acts to be…I dunno, in a different class, or something.
I do understand that some chicks love the feeling of penetration, and even get off on it. But if a guy can’t go for hours on end, there’s still fingers and fists and toys…how did the penis become the be-all and end-all? I’m so very glad I’m not a guy…the performance pressure would kill me. Plus it’d piss me off to have other people bossing me around, telling me when to orgasm.
It never ceases to amaze me how many of Dan’s readers are of the mind that “the cheater is 100% completely and totally at fault and the cheatee is an absolute complete and total saint who should have their name listed next to Jesus and Ghandi.”
A good way to get someone in an affair to walk right the hell out of therapy is to walk in and blame it ALL on them and treat the betrayed spouse as though they poop roses. There is no such thing as a cheating spouse who is happy in their relationship. And they’re so pissed they’re willing to go fuck someone else and no longer give a shit what their spouse thinks. An affair is a SYMPTOM of marital problems, not a cause.
And anyway, why the fuck would she talk about HER cheating in her letter to DAN when the letter is about HER BOYFRIEND being a twat and using Dan to bolster his control issues?
@ 62: There’s a reason they’re usually called “Cheating Pieces of Shit”. True, there’s often something else wrong in the relationship (though not always), but if so they have a responsibility to speak up and do something about it. Lying to their partner instead of addressing the real issue is what makes someone a CPOS: it’s cowardly.
We don’t know the circumstances around the original LW’s slip-up – it’s possible they’d only been dating a short while and there were extenuating circumstances – but since she doesn’t elaborate *at all*, the inevitable impression is that she doesn’t feel any remorse. Instead the letter’s all about how her boyfriend is at fault, which is what most people are reacting to. And as #28 pointed out, writing the letter to Dan is a pretty shit move on her part, given who’s likely to read it.
@62 – Actually, I think they’re very likely quite well matched. They’d likely inflict a much wider range of misery on people who might not deserve it if they parted.
Now, if we later learn that he constantly badgered her about infidelity for two years until she finally admitted her indiscretion, I shall revise my opinion of her upwards and of him downwards. But it seems unlikely that she’d be so reticient about a point so clearly in her favour. And the way the letter reads seems to fit with the take that the revelation was her ace in the hole to get him into therapy.
Wendykh—I hate your take on cheating. Yeah, no one is every 100% innocent or not at fault in a relationship, but cheating is a very specific, shitty, cowardly way to react to problems in a relationship. Absent extremely extenuating circumstances (and there are some situations where this is the deal), it’s generally a cowardly, selfish way to react to a problem.
You’ve got a problem? You address. Speak up, tell your partner why you’re unhappy and what needs to be fixed. If he/she doesn’t fix it or doesn’t want to, then break-up. Where is betrayal ever an acceptable solution? It’s not. It’s really just shitty ass people with very little honor looking for a way to justify their bad behavior.
I have never cheated on a partner and never will. Not because it would hurt him (though that’s a powerful motivator in itself), but because it would make me a shitty person — a cowardly, selfish person. I think more of myself than that and would never stoop to acting with so little honor. Those with honor don’t have your attitude.
@51, 52, 53: The italics problem seems to happen randomly on Slog; it’s happened in a few previous threads.
@32, 57: It is not necessarily insecurity, paranoia, or feeling like a failure when a guy would like to have PIV sex for longer. It feels really good, so a lot of guys want it to last longer so they can have better sex. Why shouldn’t it last a long time? And if the woman is feeling chafed you can always take breaks or apply lube.
Wendykh/62 — and sometimes cheating isn’t a symptom of a problem with the relationship, sometimes it’s an issue wholly having to do with the cheater. They have low self-esteem, some fear of vulnerability, self-sabotaging tendencies or could just be a selfish prick.
So sometimes it can indicate relationship problems, but sometimes it can also be wholly an issue with the cheater. Regardless, it definitely tells you about the cheater’s take on conflict resolution skills — he/she cheat instead of dealing with the problem and lack some major integrity and character if they think that is an acceptable way to indicate problems in a relationship (as opposed to a moment of weakness where they fuck up and realize it was a HUGE mistake).
Let me just guess that if the man had cheated all these babes would be quicker to convict the cheater rather than defending him! I can just hear the banshee howlings if the situation were reversed. When a WOMAN is cheated on it is a horrible betrayal that takes years to get over. When a MAN is cheated on it is because he is a controlling asshole. Got it. I just wanted to be sure though.
CLEARLY any objective reading of the first letter can be summarized as: I cheated on him and then waited for years to bash him in the face with the information. Now we are in therapy to work on HIS issues.
Marriage counselors almost always favor the woman- like the court system, the police, the social welfare bureaucracy, the corrections system, and almost every other social institution in America today. In actual therapy the woman almost always is more communicative and so the therapist immediately takes her side. Like the lady said- they don’t call it talking therapy for nothing.
@66, if a guy wants PIV sex to go on longer than his body can, and longer than his partner wants… then maybe he should reevaluate what he wants. Try doing it again a few hours later, rather than trying to keep penetration going for an hour.
I said this on a different thread, but I’ll say it again: guys, take out your dick after 15 minutes and do something else. If she doesn’t beg you to put it back inside, then she didn’t want it there. There. Figure out something you both want. Now you’ve taken one step closer to having enthusiastic sex, rather than bad sex.
Sex is pretty fucking goo.
@69: It’s appropriate that your post is #69. 🙂
If your point is that a guy should compromise and communicate with his partner if he wants intercourse for a long time and she doesn’t, then I agree.
But… well, I like lengthy PIV. If a guy wants to go longer because he likes it, and his partner is fine with that, I don’t see why he shouldn’t. It’s not necessarily bad sex, even if not everyone loves it.
And teasing by pulling your cock out every so often is always a good idea (though some women will assume you pulled it out cause you didn’t want to keep going and won’t want to pressure you by begging).
Hey, “Everything but the Sex”,
A couple things Dan may not have considered: First, what is your birth control situation? When I’m using condoms or other, less advisable methods (pull-out) I can’t get out of my head either.
Also, you mentioned he is well endowed. As a fellow well endowed male, I often worry about causing pain or discomfort to my partners, at least until I learn their threshold for vigorous fucking.
@71, I understand you like lengthy PIV. I just think you should recognize that many women don’t like lengthy PIV. Just as many women don’t like having their throats choked with cock.
The fact that a woman puts up with lengthy PIV doesn’t mean she’s enjoying it. All I’m asking you (and other fans of lengthy PIV sessions) to do is look for signs that she may not be all that into it anymore. If she doesn’t ask you to put it back in, you might ask out loud, “hey, you up for some more or would you like X instead?” Remember that women are socialized to put up with a lot of stuff they don’t like. If you don’t want lengthy PIV sex with you to be in that category, make sure she’s still enthusiastic fifteen minutes in.
Hey, “Everything but the Sex”,
A couple things Dan may not have considered: First, what is your birth control situation? When I’m using condoms or other, less advisable methods (pull-out) I can’t get out of my head either.
Also, you mentioned he is well endowed. As a fellow well endowed male, I often worry about causing pain or discomfort to my partners, at least until I learn their threshold for vigorous fucking.
FWIW, Dan, Sam Arora has since declared his intentions to vote for the Marriage Equality bill. He’s still a tremendous sack of douche, and I hope he gets primaried in 2014, but at least we convinced him to vote properly this time.
Still a huge sack of shit though.
@73: Fair enough, I’ll recognize that there are many women who don’t like it, if you recognize that there are many women who do like it, or are willing to do it in return for their partner pleasing them in some other way. (Hey, eating a girl out for a long time sometimes hurts my jaw but I’ll do it to make her feel good.)
Since there are such people, it does make sense for men to try to last longer if they’re interested. (I say this because you seemed to be very against the idea of guys trying to last longer.)
‘Help My Disappointed Heart’ has been in an abusive relationship for over three years and now finds out he has been made a fool off for all that time.
OUCH. This is a lot to chew on.
Never forget that your the victim here, HMDH. And be gentle with yourself.
@69 I said this on a different thread, but I’ll say it again: guys, take out your dick after 15 minutes and do something else. If she doesn’t beg you to put it back inside, then she didn’t want it there.
Along the lines of “previous lovers can leave a residue”, I was in a monogamous relationship for ~17 years with a woman who really had a very very difficult time achieving orgasm such that the need to be able to go and go for at least a half an hour became the norm. I was fortunate that one of my later lovers was willing to speak up and tell me to hurry up – it was a huge relief to be let off the super-performance hook. Looking back after that I realized several had not been so forthcoming and probably weren’t happy about being raw (and I am neither superman nor super-endowed).
Wendykh’s view of cheating on S/O in a monogamous relationship–maybe it is the fault, at least somewhat, of the other party–kinda reminds me of employees who embezzle from their bosses.
Yeah, sometimes the boss is a nasty piece of work who cheated the employees out of raises, bonuses, etc., and in a perfect world the employee is entitled to take some of the boss’ money in compensation. The trouble is *every* employee stealing uses that justification, because in a few cases, it may be true.
Put another way, you never meet a guilty man in prison–they were all unjustly convicted.
@76 interesting comparison to oral sex. What would you think of a girl who held off from orgasm while you were going down on her, so that her pleasure would last longer? Once you had a sore jaw, wouldn’t you kinda want her to allow herself to orgasm, rather than pressure you to keep going until she has had an hour of pleasure + an orgasm? If you can get off, and if your partner is no longer enjoying the act, then have your orgasm already.
Following up on my own remark: I’m trying to imagine a world where women take medication in order to be able to enjoy more oral sex from their partners before they orgasm. This cracks me up.
No, in our crappy bad-sex world, women are urged to come as quickly as possible (see @61) so it’s not such a drag for their partners; men encourage each other to last as long as possible, because who gives a shit if the woman is no longer enjoying it.
Note, though, that I am not talking about situations like the one @78, where a woman wants and needs her man to last half-an-hour before she could come from PIV. If you think your woman is on the road to a PIV orgasm, by all means, continue merrily fucking. (That’s why I stress checking in with her, to see if the fucking is working for her body.)
But if you’re just delaying your jollies for your own pleasure, and she’s no longer getting physical pleasure out of it, then — shit or get off the pot.
@79 Not picking on you particularly, but using your statement as a jumping off point regarding the CPOS meme:
Wendykh’s view of cheating on S/O in a monogamous relationship–maybe it is the fault, at least somewhat, of the other party–kinda reminds me of employees who embezzle from their bosses.
Something about your analogy bothered me, so I extended it a bit and I realized that it rests on the premise that somehow it’s as simple as just saying, “ok, I quit” and going down there street where there is the implicit expectation of another job with a non-exploitive or non-abusive employer. Of course, the real world doesn’t work like that…and you know what? It doesn’t work like that in relationships all the time either.
LW1 is lame only for cheating only insofar as it appears that this is a not-very-committed relationship. Who knows? Maybe they’ve been together for over a decade and share a mortgage and spawn and never got married for whatever reason. It’s entirely possible he’s subjected her to neglect for years after successfully tying her down with mortgage and spawn.
I dunno, I am much more sympathetic to people who embezzle after being rooked into selling their souls to the company store.
@58 You know, it’s funny you mention that, but I did manage to keep the house and the dogs…the house was pretty much empty, but that didn’t bother me a bit…I was just so happy to see the dogs sitting on the porch waiting for me.
Cvilletop — I sort of hear where you’re coming from, but where does betrayal become an acceptable solution? It seems that your advocating a two wrongs make a right sort of philosophy and that seems very dangerous. You think someone owes you something, you steal it? Rarely is something like that okay to do. You don’t like how someone is treating you, then deal with it. But to say that you can be vindictive and horrible back just falls flat.
You can hit someone back to defend yourself, but not out of a revenge or an evening up of the score. I just rarely think cheating is ever going to be used in self-defense. It’s almost always vindictive or passive-aggressive and cowardly. If you really were wronged, then you’re now just as bad as the person you’re complaining about then.
@81
“No, in our crappy bad-sex world, women are urged to come as quickly as possible (see @61) so it’s not such a drag for their partners; men encourage each other to last as long as possible, because who gives a shit if the woman is no longer enjoying it.”
Crappy bad-sex world? I’m glad I don’t live there. Also, my impression is that men do not try to last as long as possible for their own enjoyment, quite the contrary. My perception has always been that men try to last longer so that women will think they’re rock stars and the greatest fucks in the world. Your average guy probably tries to last longer because that’s what HE thinks is necessary to be a good lover. This is my impression of the matter, and my experience backs that up. Men are not all so selfish as you make them sound, and their partner’s pleasure is a huge priority.
I can echo those comments. I really psyched myself out as a teen that girls wanted super-long endurance and wouldn’t accept anything less. End result was I basically couldn’t cum from anything ever (masturbation was also probably a factor), but I was screwed up so tight that I was in my 20s before I hand any sort of (my) hands free orgasm. The sex itself was fun, but the total lack of climax in my part often made things pretty miserable for both the girl and me.
I’m better off now. Can hold it back long enough to keep people happy. And if I can’t? That’s what fingers and tongues and toes are for.
@84 No, I pretty much agree with you – two wrongs do not make a right, and I was very critical originally of YNGC for that reason. There’s no doubt that the right answer is disentangling and ‘doing it right’ – I’m only suggesting it’s not black and white.
I know of two or three “CPOS” who are still married to their original spouse, and for quite good reasons have been forced to go outside the marriage for companionship (as others have said, it’s usually NOT sex that’s the original problem – it’s either the cheater’s self-esteem or conflicts in the relationship), and yet had very good reasons for not ending the marriage. A couple are still married and happily. Illness is just one of the things that can lead to this (and not just physical illness)…for better or worse can take interesting turns.
@87 — I hear ya. I often think the exceptions to the no-cheating rule are exactly the examples you give, and often what Dan says as well. They’re not CPOS — some extenuating circumstances excuse the behavior (reminds me of the son that wrote in about his mother a while back cheating on his father but freely admitting his father was a horrible person and his mom was only staying in the marriage for her sons’ sake until they left for college and had a lover on the side).
That being said it also seems that far too many people want to consider themselves one of these extreme exceptions. Just being unhappy with your partner is not a good enough reason. There has to be a very legit reason why you can’t deal with that problem directly (battered spouse, illness issues, etc.). The LW specifically does not sound like any sort of exception — she just sounds like the general selfish, cowardly cheater who then wants to blame her betrayed spouse for her poor choices.
I personally prefer your defending J. Michael Bailey. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing when I heard that the parents of UNIVERSITY STUDENTS were objecting to subject matter in a course their ADULT CHILDREN enrolled in. I don’t care if their parents ARE bankrolling their education, it’s expected that that will eventually be paid back by the student once (s)he graduates and gets out into the work force, and that’s neglecting the fact these students are at the age of majority and perfectly free to purchase all the pornography they desire. What Prof. Bailey was trying to do in the classroom was further the discussion and lessons by using visual aids, i.e. two people who signed up to do this, were both clear-thinking adults who weren’t manipulated into engaging in intimacy in front of these students, and who were doing so in a way that highlighted portions of discussions that had already taken place in the classroom.
This is helicopter parenting taken to its furthest extreme. Mommy and Daddy need to cut the apron strings and realize that once their children are old enough to be students at a university and are now getting an education to help prepare themselves for fiscal independence, they’re old enough to watch two people having sex, either on a video or DVD, pay per view order, online streaming video, or in a human sexuality classroom. It’s not like two random students in a nuclear physics class decided to screw each other on the professor’s desk and everyone just watched them going at it. What was to happen in that class was EXPECTED to happen in that class.
Anyway. That’s my, oh, roughly $0.50’s worth. Is there some way to show support to Prof. Bailey so he won’t get into a shitload of trouble with his employer?
I have a question…my bf and i love the savage love columns read em every week with pleasure. the stuff about manogamy though makes me uncomfortable and I have thought and thought about why and how I can change. According to the savage love advice all men are programmed to cheat and so we should all have open relationships, that it is in fact the male natural way. My bf and I do everything from fetish and dungeon to toys and on and on the only thing we don’t do is other people. He’s never asked for an open relationship but I feel like I’m living in dinial or something and want to be honest about us and the world. The problem is I get turned off when I know a guy has been with someone else while with me. i lose atrraction. In fact this is how I get over a guy I just sleep with someone else or encourage him to, then I don’t want him anymore..not even a little. i think this may be the female natural way…often its women who desire the one mate thing while guys are saposed to spread their seed. My question is this: why is it women who have to change who they are why are we to go with the guys natural tendancies rather than our own? Why must one lose and one win. What is the win win.
signed Seeking Win Win.
@11:
Yes, they usually do complain when vaginal sex lasts seconds, rather than minutes. Most men who suffer from premature ejaculation suffer from *really* premature ejaculation.
@89:
The short version would be “You’re getting what you’re *paying* for. How can one properly study human sexuality without test subjects?”
Although what I’ve heard about the extracurricular bonus study was that there was little educational or research value to it. One student commented “So they got off. Yes? And? What was the point?”
YNGC – You’re BF should dump your ass, but seeing as how he didn’t as is now doing the ‘therapy-go-round’, you’re both in for a passive-aggressive showdown.
EBTS- You’re probably too fat. Get a bike or go to the gym.
HMDH – Stop being a pussy and dump him.
My husband has some PE issues. I actually like it though because I like thinking “I’m so hot, he can’t hold it back”. My orgasms are better when I see him lose that control.
However, he does something very similar to EBTS and zones out during sex. It annoys the fuck out of me. Well, sometimes it’s cool if I need a bit longer to get off, but usually it’s just annoying having a dead fish under me. I combat it by putting his hands on my ass, or even better, by talking dirty to him which works 99% of the time. I wish he’d not worry so much about holding back. Hmmm… I know what I’m gonna try tonight… 😉
The Times-Picayune reported his address as 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie (LA 70003-2012, looked up the zip code for everyone). I think we all should send him a post card and let him know how we feel about his pedophilic peter wacking. How can anyone be surprised that another Repugnant family values guy is just a closeted pervert doing much more harm than good. Further proof that religion is the root of all evil in the world.
http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2011…
The Times-Picayune reported his address as 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie (LA 70003-2012, looked up the zip code for everyone). I think we all should send him a post card and let him know how we feel about his pedophilic peter whacking. How can anyone be surprised that another Repugnant family values guy is just a closeted pervert doing much more harm than good. Further proof that religion is the root of all evil in the world.
http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2011…
That’s the reverend grant storm, sorry for not including the subject of my rant.
Hunter78 — Non-monogamy may be natural, but that doesn’t mean that betrayal/cheating is the same thing. If you’re going down that path, it’s a slippery slope.
If you’re going to use nature as the basis for the legitimacy of our actions, then killing the young of your mate’s previous relationship would be acceptable, so would stealing, rape and whatever you could take by force and get away with. All things generally frowned upon by most civilized peoples. Not a very persuasive argument.
@94
I don’t think Dan “cheats” on Terry; they have an open relationship that follows strict rules, which is not the same thing at all as deceiving your partner. That’s why he makes a point of drawing a distinction between cheating and non-monogamy.
Chicago girl @85, I’m glad you live in Awesome Good Sex world. Me too, for the most part. But I was corresponding with BlackRose (whom I respect and with whom I often agree)… and he was saying that if he liked an hour of PIV sex, then it was okay if his partner wasn’t enjoying herself for the last half-hour. I wondered if he would give oral sex for half an hour after his jaw became sore.
Guys may say they want to last an hour to be a great lover for their women… but if the women don’t want more than 15 minutes, then the guys are doing it for ego, or for their own pleasure. Ya can’t say it’s for me if it’s not what I want.
@22 My sympathies. The first thing that goes with a cheater is their credibility (i.e. they are a cheater and if you believe anything they say or promise, you do so at your own peril) followed by trust once the affair is discovered/acknowledged. It is pointless to try to repair the relationship unless the cheater can reestablish their credibility. The first step towards that is ending the affair and there really is only one way to prove/ensure that the affair is ended. Once the cheater has begun to reestablish their credibility they can work to restore the trust that they have shattered. I’m not saying that anything has to be completed before you can move on to the next step in restoring a relationship, but there are certain things that have to be there in any healthy relationship (among them honesty, trust, communication) Once a degree of credibility and trust has been reestablished you can begin to work on the underlying causes of the affair and/or problems in the relationships and/or the personal problems/issues of the cheater and/or your own personal problems/issues. All the while you are dealing with the emotional fallout caused by the affair.
@102: Thanks for the sweet comments! You’re awesome too. ((hugs))
That wasn’t my original point, which was to say that there are men who want to last longer because they and their partners enjoyed it, or they enjoyed it and their partners were willing to participate in exchange for being pleasured in other ways. I know you don’t like lengthy PIV, but there are women (and men) who genuinely do, and aren’t just saying that, and would be disappointed by short PIV even if they do come. It’s not always just about coming. I don’t really understand why lube isn’t a workaround though, for women who get dry and chafe after a bit.
I didn’t say “it’s ok if my partner isn’t enjoying herself for the last half-hour,” and I wouldn’t expect her to be in pain for me. I would want her to have PIV for as long as she felt comfortable, and I would certainly return the favor by eating pussy for as long as I could and she wanted me to. I’m not saying she should have bad sex for my sake, just that partners sometimes compromise by alternately pleasing each other in various ways.