I have to say I’m
disappointed.

Proposition 8 passed in California, as did
anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida and Arizona. Decency and
compassion suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to hear a few
words from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from work
to go and protest the Mormon Church. Maybe you had your column written
already, but couldn’t you have pulled an all-nighter in order to write
something more relevant?

A Loyal Reader

Sorry, ALR, but due to the vagaries of the
dead-tree media, I file these columns roughly a week in advance.
(Please note: At my house, “filing a column” doubles as a euphemism for
taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)

But here’s my election-night reax, a week
late, for what it’s worth: I voted for Obama, gave money to Obama, and
cried when CNN called it for Obama. But the approval of the
Mormon-bankrolled anti-gay-marriage amendment in California quickly
snuffed my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments in
Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in
California—particularly those who voted for Obama,
against the rights of same-sex couples, and for the
rights of farm animals—came close to ruining election night for
me.

But let’s look on the bright side of the
anti-gay-marriage amendments, shall we? The openly Republican governor
of Florida, Charlie Crist—who got engaged to a real live girl
when he was in the running to be McCain’s VP—won’t have to marry
a real live girl now. Because it’s illegal for gays to get married now
in Florida—right, Charlie? And even in California there’s a
little good news: Voters approved this year’s anti-gay-marriage
amendment by much smaller margins (52 to 48) than they approved an
anti-gay-marriage law back in 2000 (61 to 38). So… uh… we’re
winning, even as we’re losing.

Or something.

But now, to honor Barack Obama’s historic
victory, I will answer questions that were e-mailed by readers on
election night. While you were obsessing about election returns, there
were people out there writing to me about…

I am a completely straight
guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night, she was
giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at
first, but in a little time I began to like it. I found it felt so
good. Now my girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first
I said, “Yes!” But now, the more I think about it, I am starting to
think it may be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a
butt plug?

Guy With Anal Interests

I’ve dedicated my life to reassuring panicky
straight boys that a little anal stimulation won’t make ’em gay. My
oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during
sex—whatever it is, whatever it looks like—it’s straight
sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to
turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common
straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.

But no more. From now on, I intend to sow
gay panic when and where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in
overwhelming numbers for the various antigay shit on their ballots,
won’t be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they’re
worried that one false move—or one finger up the butt—can
turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the butt
can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you gay, doing it doggy
style can make you gay, playing with your nipples can make you gay,
fucking a woman in the ass can make you gay, wiping from front to back
can make you gay, standing up to pee can make you gay, and watching
dudes hump dudes on ESPN—Ultimate Fighting
Championship—for sure makes you gay.

I hope you can help. My
boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan next week, and I want to surprise
him with anal. I can’t find anything online about preparing for it. I
don’t want to be messy. It’s always clean in porn videos. Please
advise.

Desperate

Careful there, Desperate, I’d hate to see
your boyfriend turn gay. But if you want to risk it, get your hands on
a copy of Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for
Women. But don’t blame me if he wants to gay marry you
afterward.

I’m a 21-year-old bi guy, and
I was recently hanging out at my university’s Queer Collective when the
issue of the “F” word came up. I argued that it was okay to use the
word so long as it’s not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought
that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the “N” word to
describe black people. What do I do, Dan? Is the “F” word off
limits?

Flabbergasted About Glossary

The “F” word should only be used to describe
voters in California, Florida, and Arizona who cast ballots for Obama
and their state’s anti-gay-marriage amendments. We are talking
about the word “fuckers,” right?

I have a question of a more
medical nature for you. My husband and I have been married four months,
both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a
week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for
me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on
top is unbearable. My husband is aware of and sensitive to this issue.
He makes sure I’m relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask.
Will it get any better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.

Painful Intercourse Needs To Stop

Here’s an idea that might help, PINTS: Have
more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into
the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words,
sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc to
make sure there isn’t a medical issue here. If there isn’t, slowly work
vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new positions
and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as
stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you
can transition to when vaginal intercourse isn’t working for you.

I’m a straight white boy of 25
who is very excited about Obama’s victory and the landslide in
Congress. Proposition 8 is still undecided, though, while they count
votes. I wanted you to know that I’m rooting for you, my uncle, his
partner—his husband, actually, as of last week—and every
gay man and woman in California.

Stephen

Thanks for the note, Stephen, but
Proposition 8 was decided by the time I got it. My condolences to your
uncle and his husband.

mail@savagelove.net

212 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Hmm, maybe it’s time we realize not everyone who identifies as liberal is necessarily a friend of ours, and some are assuredly out to get us. It’s pretty obvious the left wing is using us for whatever they can get, and taking us for granted.

    What say we get out of bed with the liberal movement? We’d have far better luck with the libertarians, and they tend to be on the right-wing side of the spectrum.

  3. I don’t have any advice to share with my fellow readers, but for once I have advice for the normally perfect Dan….. Dan, I voted for Obama as the lesser of 2 evils. I did that only in combination with telling friends that Obama supports “separate but equal”. In other words he supports full constitutional rights of same sex unions. He and Michelle are married in the front of the bus and the domestic partners ride in the back. Same bus he argues? Hugh? Forget protesting the churches, keep the heat on spineless democrats. Better yet, open up political debates to 3rd parties. Spread IRV ( ranked choice voting ) beyond SF.

  4. The prop 8 decision has ruined my faith in humanity. But you put a good spin on it, that we’re getting closer results so we’re actually winning. And while I don’t believe we’re winning just yet, it is nice to be able to feel again that perhaps humanity isn’t hopeless.

  5. Kiki, your lame comment reminds me of the book “Catch 22,” in which Doc Daneeka describes a couple saying that they have sex every night, when the girl is actually a virgin. The doctor shows them how to have vaginal intercourse with plastic models, and they go home and try it. The next day the husband comes in and punches Doc Daneeka, asking him what he’s trying to pull.

  6. I work in an environment where issues of race are very important, and Wednesday was a day of celebration for most everyone, but I felt terrible disappointment as well, and was thus left out as the only queer at work; no one else even realized what a blow to my community this election was, even while it was a great day for many (myself included: G’OBAMA!). Add to that my residence in MN, and what might have been the most awesome Election Night ever instead bit the dust.

  8. dan i just wanted to tell you that i just watched your interview on the colbert report and you were great, as always. he was talking about prop 8, and i was thinking “i should go and see if a new savage love is up this week”, and within ten seconds of that thought process, he introduced you, and i screamed a little, i cannot lie. and both of you delivered, it was perfect. thanks for being spectacular.

  9. ok well now i think i should respond to PINT. darlin, chances are this is a medical problem. you may have a very shallow vagina, but it is probably medical, or even psychological (if there was abuse in your past this is in fact likely) and i think a trip to your doctor as soon as possible is necessary.

  10. it kills me that all the outrage is now! i’ve been telling people around me about prop 8 for weeks before the election, and no one cared. and now, i’m explaining it to people and only NOW are they mad! i know of gays living in california that didn’t vote that day because they thought it wouldn’t pass. i think the torch of the gay community has been passed to the younger generation and they are letting it slip. our generation hasn’t had to live in hiding, we didn’t have a stonewall, we were children through the early days when AIDS was a gay cancer. maybe we needed this blow to snap us, and i mean the gays and the supporting straights here, to attention that life is not all circuit parties and cruises and parades. this is work and there is a hell of a lot more to do!

  11. As much as the country’s depressing display towards humanity sucks, Angry Dan is fucking great. Between this, Colbert, and the advice to rainbow bear on the podcast, I’ve laughed out loud thrice today from Dan Savage.

  12. Hah! The younger generation, in every racial category, voted for gay rights! It’s the bastards over 40 where the majority think it’s ok to screw someone over because they’re icky.

    More important, as someone who volunteered with No on 8, it was like watching the Kerry campaign all over again. Hapless. Useless. No ground game, no outreach, no positive message. Someone, please, do some investigative journalism so we can track who made those idiotic decisions so we can lean on the right people to commit seppuku.

  13. Remember! Remember!
    The Fourth of November!
    Bigotry, Treason, and Plot!
    I see no reason
    Why homophobes’ treason
    Should ever be forgot!

  14. The solution to prop 8 is simple.

    In Los Angeles, Oakland and San Diego, where there there are Mormon temples, pass a law with simple and direct language. I suggest the law say, Whereas the voters of the state of California have declared that a marriage be between a man and a women. Therefore since the Government has a duty and obligation to regulate the nature of marriage the government has the right to send representative to any marriage to observe and object if necessary. The representatives may not be barred from any church, temple or place of worship or the marriage will not be recognized.

    After the law is placed, and the Mormon temple has to allow some nice young non-Mormon representatives in to observe their marriages they will fight for the repeal of prop 8.

  15. Pints problem could be that her husband doesn’t know what he’s doing and is too rough. The fact that they have to use lube always says neither one of them is taking the time to warm her up. Maybe she does have a short or very tight yones and maybe he is large. All of the above would lead to painful sex. Cutting back on frequincy of intercourse and all that Dan said would be good starters. Sound like they both need to learn how to use their bits.

    Regarding prop H8
    we have to keep fighting for all equality. I’ve struggled with it ruining my Obama high too. We all have keep up the fight, it is time to expect unilateral equality, even if it take a bit longer. The one thing I have faith is that this movement will not go away as easly as the haters may like to think it will.
    We must presist…..
    and until we get there Dan’s right, all the men who enjoy ass play of any kind are GAY. Big ole fruity honey dripping gay boys. And any who watch wrestling are highly repressed gay.
    Dan I love it when you get spiteful

  17. What kind of insanity even had Prop 8 on the ballot in the first place? Civil rights should never EVER be placed on referendum, for the simple reason that the majority don’t understand the special relevance of them. Hence, they treat them like any other political viewpoint and end up poisoning them with their faux-moralistic ignorant rage.

    My sympathies to everyone in these states who has been declared by the majority to be second-class citizens (because that is what you have effectively done, ignorant religious douchebags). Fingers crossed that it gets overturned.

  18. it’s not all bad. This is a good time to change the language of Prop 8 from gay rights to universal human rights. That’s the real deal. The margin between yea and nay was pretty tight. so there’s always room for improvement. and maneuvering. we’ll win. i have no doubts.

  19. PINT, your hymen might be too thick…thus it hurts when you have sex. It can be easily fixed by a doctor in no time…so, just go to the doctor!! (and listen to dan too!!)

  20. i was in colorado campaigning for obama, and the elation that i felt tuesday night was definitely subdued on wednesday when i heard about prop 8. a woman i had been working with was from california, and she had voted yes on prop 8, because she thought it meant yes to gay marriage. people are idiots.

  21. Dan, I read your opinion piece in the New York Times, and I see your comments here. And I just want you to know there are straight guys in the world who think that it is pure evil to do to people what has been done in California. And I’m with you on the Utah boycott. Fuck ’em… up the ass! Matter of fact, I’m interested in a California boycott to boot. On your side here in MN, buddy! You’re a voice for morality, and I love the fact that some shitheads will find that ironic.

  22. Does anyone on your side of the issue believe it’s reasonable for someone to be opposed to same-sex marriage because of anything but bigotry?

  23. So gay people and their supporters as a marginalized group want to hate against the Mormons, another marginalized group, for putting money into Yes on Prop 8 campaigns. This seems backwards as all fuck. Why are you stooping to their level and spreading the hate? All Mormons didnt give funding to Prop 8. Stop generalizing against a religious group. If prop 8 didnt pass and the Mormons lined up to throw eggs at gay people their would be a liberal shit storm. Stop blaming the Mormons and realize what we did wrong: completely forgot about campaigning in and mobilizing minority communities.

  25. Take a deep breath. The courts were on your side a few weeks ago when they said you could marry in Cali. What’s to stop them from declaring Prop 8 unconstitutional? They can do that, because it is. I firmly believe this is a civil rights issue and the courts can reverse it. Step back from the edge of the abyss! Things may do a little switcharoo and I bet there are already briefs being submitted to the courts. Please don’t make a double entendre out of that, I know it’s hanging out like a slip beneath a skirt.

  26. According to one of my friends, Govenor Schwarzenegger plans to overturn Proposition 8, so hopefully the gays who got married in CA before Proposition 8 passed will get to stay married, and future gay couples will be allowed to get married too.

  27. The CA state supreme court can’t declare it unconstitutional because it’s part of the constitution. The USS Supreme court won’t ever see that case because it is clearly a states’ rights issue. States have absolute authority over how and when they recognize a marriage. Sexual preference isn’t a protected class at the federal level, anyway. The 14th Amendment doesn’t cover it.

  29. PINT might also have fibroid tumors. She should get to her gyno – or even her regular family practitioner – soon.

    Dan, you were fan-fucking-tastic on Colbert last night. I loved every second of it.

  31. Just in case the creator didn’t send you a link to these, Dan:
    http://www.cafepress.com/stinz

    Until 1968, Obama’s parents couldn’t have gotten married here in VA, which just went blue and helped him into the White House. As much as Prop 8 sucks, this country is going to figure out the right thing to do, and part of that’s from people like you testifyin’.

    And speaking of testifying, time’s marched on to the point where children of open, everyday gay spouses are coming of age to be heard in public, in some numbers I would guess. I look forward to what they’ll say about the idiocy and bigotry of straights-only marriage and adoption laws.

  32. I was proud to tell people I voted against Virginia’s referendum in 2006. I just want to offer my condolences to Californians who believed their state was more enlightened than the rest. I’m probably one of the more conservative people who read Dan’s column, but I think it is a crime and a shame that committed, loving couples cannot be married because of bigotry. Someone told me, “They have civil unions, it’s basically the same thing.”

    I replied that I was under the impression that Brown v. Board and Bolling v. Sharpe had declared that sort of reasoning unconstitutional. Sadly all I got was a shrug.

  33. I have similar problems to PINT, although maybe not quite as bad. I haven’t totally found a solution but I’ve found stuff that helps. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years, and when we first had sex (my first time at age 21) we did everything you’re supposed to– we had built up to it slowly for weeks, we did a lot of foreplay, we bought fancy lube, etc. It hurt like hell at first but we went slowly and once we got going it was ok. I didn’t mind that much because I knew there was a decent chance of it hurting the first time, what I didn’t expect was that it continued to hurt at first for subsequent times. It slowly got better but even after months of having sex, the first penetration nearly always hurts and then fades away a few seconds later and then I enjoy it. And yes I’ve tried things like using a vibrator first, and we ALWAYS do oral first.

    Sometimes its better and sometimes its worse. At one point it was getting worse and worse and I went to the doctor and she told me that my birth control pills were making my vaginal cells “dry and fragile” (after looking at them under a microscope) and she switched me to a different pill with less progestin, which did help a lot, but did not completely solve the problem.

    Recently there was a time when it hurt a lot in a different way, I went to the doctor who coudln’t really find anything wrong but gave me cream for treating a yeast infection and that seemed to solve that problem. Still weird that the test didn’t show up a yeast infection though.

    I’ve never been able to have sex without lube. Since I was on the pill before I ever had sex I can’t compare before and after but I highly suspect that that’s the cause or a large part of the cause.

    So, my main advice is go to a doctor and if you’re on the pill try switching to a different one.

    If anyone has some advice for me go ahead, but please don’t tell me my boyfriend is too rough or I’m not doing enough foreplay because there’s no way that could be the problem.

  36. Amen to Tracey. The apparent apathy among the natural supporters of teh ban is mind-numbing.

    I’m so sickened by the whole Prop 8 mess, but mostly by the fact that the Mormon and Catholic churches campaigned so vigorously, spreading hate and fear while invoking the name of God. I guess it goes to show you that once a minority’s persecution ends, that minority will pick up the mantle and persecute another group. Just like victims of child abuse who become abusers. So fellow gays, once we have our equality, who should we go after? The mentally ill? Oh, sorry, may be difficult to tell the difference between the mentally ill and the Mormons. Wouldn’t want to make that mistake.

  37. State marriage laws can go to the supreme court if they violate federal law in the US constitution, such as if they violate a persons right to equal protection under the law. The 14th amendment says, “no state shall abridge…” I’m dubious that its really going to have any traction there before they get around to repealing DOMA for the same reason though.

  38. PINTS (and Dan, you should learn this too if you don’t already): If you always use lube, and you are a woman under 50, it indicates you are not aroused enough yet to accept a penis into your vagina. All those jokes and whining about lack of foreplay are really about this: When the woman is thoroughly aroused, her cervix tilts into a slightly different position, moving the most tender part out of the way of thrusting and at the same time preparing to receive semen. When a penis hits your cervix in its “resting” position it is excruciating, no matter what position you’re in. A doctor visit is a good idea but it’s likely that nothing is physically wrong with you and all your parts are working normally. Try these steps: Read erotic stories frequently. Have your husband give you increased casual, sensual touch OUTSIDE the bedroom (like when you’re watching a movie, and it’s not leading immediately to anything inside your vagina). Make your bed everyday and light candles before sex. As Dan said, have your husband give you lots of oral. Also masturbate under the covers next to him. Then, when you are naturally very wet and totally aroused, try intercourse. Have him enter you very slowly and gradually, because arousal can increase (the the cervix can move into the proper position) as the penis is sliding into you very slowly.

  39. One more bit of advice for PINTS and Same Problem: Yes, the pill can lower libido and, therefore, mess with arousal (including natural lubricant). Also, this dietary combination has proven very effective for lots of women as far as their girly parts go: avoid dairy (you can get enough calcium from plants), eat dark chocolate every day, take high-quality fish oil supplements and flax oil every day, and drink two glasses of water when you wake up. Try this. You’ll be amazed.

  40. First of all, I am all for equal rights and protection under the law. Being a straight, relatively conservative guy, some might say that I have no real perspective on the issue at hand. It seems that all the pundits, so called experts, and lawmakers have a linguistics problem. How can the definition of one simple word, “marriage”, cause one of the most unnecessary social clusterfucks of this generation?
    In order to get to the root of the issue one must look closely at the word and the implications of it. Marriage, in most cases, is a ceremonial and sacred thing in most religious doctrines. As the world turns it inevitably got mixed into legal contracts and such. Under the current paradigm, the word marriage is too restrictive. In the eyes of the law, marriage is simply a euphemism for a civil contract between two adults that creates a single household. Why not do away with the word all together in legal settings, and replace it with something inclusive, like civil contract, or household registration. That way any two consenting adults who want to register as a single household can, and still be entitled to all the legal rights that go with “marriage”. That way it can apply to any living situation involving consenting adults even if they are not romantically involved.
    If the religious doctrine of any institution chooses to define marriage in a particular way, nobody has the right to say otherwise. Members of that congregation can certainly participate in all the church sanctioned wedding day rituals they want. My solution is simple, inclusive, and does not violate the rights of anyone involved. The word marriage is simply changed to “civil partnership” or something inclusive across the board, and folks have to legally register for them like they always did. If a gay/lesbian couple, want to identify as “married” more power to them. This is America, and nobody has should be denied the legal right to register in a civil partnership with anyone they so choose. Change the language of the law. Sure the so called moral majority will be up in arms about it, but they can go fuck themselves. We are supposed to have a separation of church and state anyway, so this only makes sense in that context as well.
    Why can’t any of the pundits or talking heads be rational about this? I suppose rationality doesn’t make good television.

  42. The California state constitution is the one which the CA Supreme Court ruled allowed same-sex marriage, and which Prop 8 is intended to change, not the Federal Constitution. Changing the CA constitution (as opposed to simply amending it) requires a super-majority vote and approval by the legislature. One of the arguments made by the ACLU and others is that Prop 8 constitutes a change in the CA constitution, not an amendment, and as such should be held to that higher requirement.
    There are also a number of efforts to contest the tax-exempt status of the Mormon Church, given that many forms of politicking, particularly those in opposition to the government’s stated position, are incompatible with tax-exempt status. (Just ask any small non-religious 501c organization about that…)
    I don’t have any problem with a church refusing to marry someone for any reason they choose – I don’t have to be a member of that church. I am a citizen of California, though, and I have a big problem with my state denying legal rights to someone for no good reason.

  43. Ha ha, suckers. Democracy seems pretty cool when people agree with you, or when you’re taking money from some people to give to others, but you don’t like it so much when it’s you who is being told what you can or can’t do.

    Maybe you should think about getting government out of people’s lives and vote for Libertarians instead of Obama or McCain.

  44. To PINTS, my wife had the same problem (painful intercourse) many decades ago. Many health professionals said it was all in her head, and she needed to relax, needed more time, needed to go slow, needed to do stretching exercises, but basically implied it was her fault and that the root cause was she didn’t really like or want sex. That made no sense to either of us because she was very open and loved all kinds of non-coital sex (which we were pretty much resigned to). Finally, after going to many health professionals, one doctor agreed to snip her hymen. The problem went away immediately. Still, I don’t think the doctor believed her, because he said, “I guess we broke the cycle,” meaning it was really all in her head all along. So my advice is if you don’t think it’s in your head (i.e. you enjoy your body and sex when it doesn’t hurt), find a good doctor, and explain as best you can exactly where and when it hurts.

  45. Dan my condolences on Prop 8 going down I believe that all should have the same rights in this country. I am glad no one has mentioned the scapegoat of the african american community. Cali’s black pop. is about 8% if 70% voted against that is not many votes still to many though, All people have to undertand that if all are not free none are

  49. Wow, people don’t get that it wasn’t the Mormon church that was successful in squashing Prop 8. It was the black community that came out and voted in record numbers – the black community tends to be very homophomic as a whole (of course there are exceptions as there is to every group), but exit polls show that it was the black votes against Prop 8 that help defeat it.

    I am sorry that it didn’t pass. Bigotry is bigotry and it is so sad that a group that is so familiar with oppression has no problem oppressing another group.

    Hang in there as your day will come.

  50. I’ve been watching the Colbert Report for a long time and have never seen anyone kick as much ass as you did in the interview. Congrats on being pure awesome.

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