I have to say I’m
disappointed.

Proposition 8 passed in California, as did
anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida and Arizona. Decency and
compassion suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to hear a few
words from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from work
to go and protest the Mormon Church. Maybe you had your column written
already, but couldn’t you have pulled an all-nighter in order to write
something more relevant?

A Loyal Reader

Sorry, ALR, but due to the vagaries of the
dead-tree media, I file these columns roughly a week in advance.
(Please note: At my house, “filing a column” doubles as a euphemism for
taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)

But here’s my election-night reax, a week
late, for what it’s worth: I voted for Obama, gave money to Obama, and
cried when CNN called it for Obama. But the approval of the
Mormon-bankrolled anti-gay-marriage amendment in California quickly
snuffed my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments in
Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in
California—particularly those who voted for Obama,
against the rights of same-sex couples, and for the
rights of farm animals—came close to ruining election night for
me.

But let’s look on the bright side of the
anti-gay-marriage amendments, shall we? The openly Republican governor
of Florida, Charlie Crist—who got engaged to a real live girl
when he was in the running to be McCain’s VP—won’t have to marry
a real live girl now. Because it’s illegal for gays to get married now
in Florida—right, Charlie? And even in California there’s a
little good news: Voters approved this year’s anti-gay-marriage
amendment by much smaller margins (52 to 48) than they approved an
anti-gay-marriage law back in 2000 (61 to 38). So… uh… we’re
winning, even as we’re losing.

Or something.

But now, to honor Barack Obama’s historic
victory, I will answer questions that were e-mailed by readers on
election night. While you were obsessing about election returns, there
were people out there writing to me about…

I am a completely straight
guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night, she was
giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at
first, but in a little time I began to like it. I found it felt so
good. Now my girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first
I said, “Yes!” But now, the more I think about it, I am starting to
think it may be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a
butt plug?

Guy With Anal Interests

I’ve dedicated my life to reassuring panicky
straight boys that a little anal stimulation won’t make ’em gay. My
oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during
sex—whatever it is, whatever it looks like—it’s straight
sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to
turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common
straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.

But no more. From now on, I intend to sow
gay panic when and where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in
overwhelming numbers for the various antigay shit on their ballots,
won’t be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they’re
worried that one false move—or one finger up the butt—can
turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the butt
can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you gay, doing it doggy
style can make you gay, playing with your nipples can make you gay,
fucking a woman in the ass can make you gay, wiping from front to back
can make you gay, standing up to pee can make you gay, and watching
dudes hump dudes on ESPN—Ultimate Fighting
Championship—for sure makes you gay.

I hope you can help. My
boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan next week, and I want to surprise
him with anal. I can’t find anything online about preparing for it. I
don’t want to be messy. It’s always clean in porn videos. Please
advise.

Desperate

Careful there, Desperate, I’d hate to see
your boyfriend turn gay. But if you want to risk it, get your hands on
a copy of Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for
Women. But don’t blame me if he wants to gay marry you
afterward.

I’m a 21-year-old bi guy, and
I was recently hanging out at my university’s Queer Collective when the
issue of the “F” word came up. I argued that it was okay to use the
word so long as it’s not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought
that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the “N” word to
describe black people. What do I do, Dan? Is the “F” word off
limits?

Flabbergasted About Glossary

The “F” word should only be used to describe
voters in California, Florida, and Arizona who cast ballots for Obama
and their state’s anti-gay-marriage amendments. We are talking
about the word “fuckers,” right?

I have a question of a more
medical nature for you. My husband and I have been married four months,
both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a
week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for
me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on
top is unbearable. My husband is aware of and sensitive to this issue.
He makes sure I’m relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask.
Will it get any better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.

Painful Intercourse Needs To Stop

Here’s an idea that might help, PINTS: Have
more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into
the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words,
sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc to
make sure there isn’t a medical issue here. If there isn’t, slowly work
vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new positions
and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as
stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you
can transition to when vaginal intercourse isn’t working for you.

I’m a straight white boy of 25
who is very excited about Obama’s victory and the landslide in
Congress. Proposition 8 is still undecided, though, while they count
votes. I wanted you to know that I’m rooting for you, my uncle, his
partner—his husband, actually, as of last week—and every
gay man and woman in California.

Stephen

Thanks for the note, Stephen, but
Proposition 8 was decided by the time I got it. My condolences to your
uncle and his husband.

mail@savagelove.net

212 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Hey, in AZ McCain won, as well as Prop 102, bya bout the same percentage. I voted against both, but no one ever listens to me. I DON’T know how many people switched from Obama to Prop 102, but I doubt it was many.

    So, give us a break.

  4. I think, tracey s, that young people turned out in record numbers this election. I know that in Pennsylvania, college students can be credited for thousands of votes. They deserve a great deal of respect for the work they have done, and the work they continue to do.

    Yes, this generation did have it easier, and the next easier than them. Don’t be jealous, be proud of the work you accomplished.

    I think that this is the generation of Matthew Shepard and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The generation of Marriage Equality, and National Day of Silence. This generation is definitely working for what it wants.

    -President of a Queer Student Union

  5. Dan, you’re a great guy, but what do you know from vaginal pain?

    PINTS needs to see a gynecologist, preferably one with a specialty in vulvovaginal pain issues. There are various kinds of things that can cause pain during intercourse other than lack of lubrication.

    Check out “the V book” by Dr Elizabeth Stewart or “A Headache in the Pelvis” by David Wise and read this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulvodynia

  6. While everyone is buzzing w/ Obama joy, I’ve been utterly deflated about Prop 8. Like you, the first thing I noticed was how the numbers reveal a whole lot of Obama voters also passed 8! Depressing.

    On a lighter note, this straight girl just agreed to plan the wedding for her lesbian friends who said, “We’re not going to let the goverment dictate our love.” Amen.

  9. As a Californian I am angry at our H8ful vote and hope the married ones will take this through the courts and bring back the buzz. Alternatively we could make the whole buss equal with Prop “86”, abolishing ALL marriages.

  10. I am having a hard time understanding why anyone would oppose same-sex marriage in this day and age. seriously, i don’t understand the motivation behind the opposition and don’t buy the “..disrespect the sanctity of marriage..bla bla bla..” which has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Can everyone just wake the fuck up and stop opposing something that should be embraced?! Two people loving each other and willing to commit into marriage (or however you want to phrase it) is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated. People opposing same sex marriage should re-focus their effort on something worth fighting against such as poverty and crime. Get a clue. — Shelly_LFD, a straight woman from Canada.

  11. In response to Squeamish, as a lawyer I can tell you that the US Supreme Court absolutely can rule that it is a violation of the US constitution for any state to deny gay couples the right to marry. States do not have “absolute authority” over how and when they recognize a marriage. Many states had laws against allowing mixed race couples to marry, which the US Supreme Court ruled to be a violation of the US consitution in the 1960s (in the wonderfully named case Loving v. Virginia). One very positive outcome of this election is that Obama will appoint to the Supreme Court (when there are vacancies) open minded judges who will be much more likely to rule in favor of gay marriage than the conservative judges McCain would have appointed. So, as devastating as the loss on Prop 8 is, let’s try to keep our spirits up. A new day is coming, although not as soon as we had hoped.

  12. Dan, saw you with Anderson Cooper – thanks for fighting the battle – but if you ever fight it in such a rude innterupting way, do us all a favor and call in sick – tonight you were the Sarah Palin of your field. Three giant steps back!!

  13. Go Dan, Go! Just saw you on AC360. You kicked some serious Christian ass. Good job. Loved the, “I hope you don’t pray to Jesus with that mouth” comment.

  15. I also just saw you on AC360. I thought you were both a couple of idiots. Your entire “argument” was based on not letting the other guy speak a word. Nice work. The other guy obviously doesn’t like the gays and as such couldn’t produce a decent argument either. However, for the most part, I thought Dan was a moron. If that is a voice of the gay community, it is in trouble (they do it to themselves much like the repub. and dem. parties).

    Get over yourselves you sad lot. Honestly, “I hope you don’t pray to Jesus with that mouth”…what a jackass.

  16. I don’t mean to go off page and not discuss the topic at hand, but I just saw you on Colbert, and I knew instantly, you had to be in my life. I looked for you on MySpace and FaceBook, but could not find you. If this is the only forum I can get a daily, or weekly dose of you, so be it.
    I laughed out loud, several times, during the interview, You’re fantastic! I really appreciated you’re outlook and wit.
    I look forward, to everything that you have to say.
    A big fan,
    Annette McCarthy
    Studio City, Ca

  17. Look Dan you are an angry ass gay guy you made a clear racist Tony Perkins look right an he was marriage is between a man and a woman period. Bigotry when has a white gay guy been castrated, lynched,tared and fucking feathered or have to watch as a mob of white men rape your wife and daugters, muther fucker you white gay people can never equate your fucking struggle with that of the African American, not new off the boat muthafuckers but niggas like my family that hve been here. We advocate freedom and protection under the law for all gay people but you are not the same as a man and a woman nor is your fucking struggle the same as African Americans because no gay white muthafuckers men or women have been attacked with dogs waterhoses or beaten down with clubs stick with civil unions that is where this fucking ubsurd issue should stop, racism fuck you!!! bigotry you have no fucking Idea what the hell that is!!!

  18. To the previous poster (who claims to be “dan savage” — ha): What a moron you are. Oh really? no gay people have been attacked or beaten, and therefore can’t be compared to black people? Better look a little more closely into your hate crimes, because you are incredibly wrong. A lot of gay people have been beaten and killed because they are gay.

    We just elected a black president. We haven’t elected a gay president, or, for that matter, a woman president. (Hillary got about ten times as much sexist abuse as Obama got racist abuse. While we’re at it, I’ll point out that black men got the vote waaaaaaay before white women did.)

    I care about racism. But I’m really fucking sick of hearing some black people claim that no other form of discrimination compares to what blacks have suffered. Fuck you — it does. Gay people have been persecuted. Since I mentioned women, I might point out that women all over the world have been raped, mutilated and killed simply because they are women. Other people have suffered other than blacks, purely because of how they look or who they are.

    Now that we’ve got a black president, maybe you’ll give a crap about someone else’s rights being violated? Isn’t it pretty to think so. You don’t deserve the rights you’ve got.

  19. although it’s not much fun now, time is on your side. Given that most youth today just don’t care wether or not gays can marry, in another 10 yrs or so it should be a non issue, as a lot of the current voters die off.
    Pushing too hard, too fast like anal, will just cause religious sphictors to tighten up, making things more painfull for everyone.

  20. “Someone told me, ‘They have civil unions, it’s basically the same thing.'”

    Oh, was it Obama? That’s his position, you know – no on marriage, yes on civil unions. The basis? His Christian faith. I’d like to see some of that anti-homophobe anger directed at our new prez-elect, but I guess he’s off-limits. Can’t imagine why.

  21. dan savage,your eloquence is highly impressive, gay or straight your efforts at both andy cooper and colbert report had to be admired, i simply dont understand americans obsession with religion and at the same time hypocritcal pursuits of democracy, its sad most of these people who seem to uphold the biggoted ideas seem to be the people who are intellectually challenged at the same time uphold religion with unwavering,rigid faith(illogical),i think america should invest more in sciences and education,to get your selves out of this fix.Best of luck in all your pursuits, and kudos to a job well done at the above shows.

  23. I voted against Prop 8, my 8-year old daughter argued against it in a classroom debate against her many “Christian” classmates, and I was so sad that it passed. BUT although I know it is little comfort to those who are still discriminated against, polls showed that voters under 30 were against it by a big margin. We must continue to fight for the rights of all, and even as most of us thought 5 years ago that there was “no way” America would elect a black president, we are sure to look back in 10 years and have large majorities wonder at the seismic shift that will have taken place by then. The CA percentage did shift by 10% since the last vote; that’s a lot in not much time.

  26. Hey Dan, you mention that Californians voted for the rights of “farm animals”. Actually, Proposition 2 had nothing to do with animal rights. It was an animal *welfare* measure that will force factory farms to provide a tiny, modest shred of decent treatment to the animals they exploit for profit. If the animals raised for food had any recognized “rights”, they wouldn’t be getting intensively confined and brutally murdered by the billions with zero laws protecting their welfare. I voted against Prop 8, I’m sorry you can’t marry. But at least you can stand up and turn around.

  28. Nitwit, there is nothing about gays not getting married in Florida. Gays and lesbians do it all the time. We just don’t want them marrying EACH OTHER. Charlie can marry any chick he can get, just like gay men always have. My favorite aunt had the same girlfriend for all three of her marriages.

  30. Congrats to our American cousins for voting the Democrats back in. I too cried when Obama won – he was my pick from the start.

    Sadly, Canada will probably legalize marijuana before gays in America can get married. You will be the last country in the western hemisphere to do so.

  31. To chime in with Tobes, the Colbert Report interview was fantastic. Had to watch it twice to soak in all the witty goodness.

    Thank you Dan for an amazing job.

  32. Maybe there was some confusion – don’t argue too much about what people were thinking, because I can guarantee most of them weren’t.
    Voting Yes on prop 8 meant No to Gay marriage. No on prop 8 meant Yes to Gay marriage. Do you think the average person picked up on this?

  33. PINTS & Have the Same Problem
    Like Been There Done that and Anonymous’ wife, I too had a problem similar to yours. I was not a virgin when I got married and had enjoyed years of fantastic sex, so I definitely knew what I was doing in terms of making sure I was ready for penetration. About a year before my wedding, sex started to become painful. It got to the point that even a inserting a tampon was painful. I went from doctor to doctor, and as soon as I would say “it hurts during sex,” they would stick a speculum in (which would hurt) and tell me nothing was wrong. One doctor thought I might have a yeast infection (which I did not), another one tested me for all kinds of STDs even though I informed her that I had always used a condom with previous partners and had been tested since having met my husband. One doctor even laughed at me and told me to drink some wine before having sex. This was really affecting me. I felt horrible that my husband was going to have to live a life of non-penetrative sex! He stuck by me and encouraged me to keep going to different doctors (though he was extremely understanding and happy with the blow jobs and hand jobs and other non-vaginal sex we were having). Finally I went to a doctor who literally drew a picture of a vagina and told me to show her where it hurt. When she saw where I was pointing, she put away the speculum and pulled out some kind of microscope and found that at the opening of my vagina, i had tiny little cysts. She referred me to a colleague who removed them. That really solved the problem. It has been seven years and I have not had any issues since then. I will warn you, however, be patient with yourself if the do manage to find the problem and solve it. You now have in your mind that it is going to hurt upon penetration .. you need to unlearn that reaction .. it takes some time and deliberate practice. Buy yourself a good vibrator and work up to penetration.
    The moral of my story: don’t take one doctor’s word for it if you don’t get an answer that satisfies you! You cannot believe how many stories I read of women whose marriages actually had ended because doctors convinced them that they were frigid or they just did not love their husbands enough! Best of luck!

  34. Hey pin head Mr. Savage,
    Saw you on CNN last night making a fool of yourself and this rediculous notion of gays having civil rights. So, if someone wants to have sex with a tree, that means we all have to adapt and give them special rights…Baloney!
    Thank God this wicked lifestyle was voted down in California…you people want to be wicked, do it behind bars like the rest of the criminals in this nation.
    Oh! and how humorous of you to quote the bible last night on CNN as you accused the person you were debating of “Bearing false witness”. Well, maybe you ought to start with Leviticus Chapter 18:22 “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an ABOMONATION….look up the word abomination and see what God thinks of your life style.
    And since you seem to be aware of the 10 commandments, maybe you ought to consider the part where God says Honor your FATHER & MOTHER…not your father & father or mother and mother.

  35. to cici and mittens, some of us *are* dry pre 50. Bodies are unpredicatble things. NO matter how worked up I am, I need a spot of lube.

    I second the recommendation for checking the birth control.

    You also might consider looking into penis-vagina size mismatch. I know there’s work around for that.

    And VT? I waited- I have ever had one vaginal contact sexual partner, also virgin. We have no worries of sexual diseases, I never had a pregnancy scare, and since I knew my heart and my cunny were linked in my head, I staved off a lot of angst. I think that’s more than enough to make up for a rough start.

  36. PINT, I used to have a similar problem with my first boyfriend. Intercourse hurt when I was on top. It gradually dissappeared. Have a doktor check you out though to make sure everything’s ok, it will make you feel more assured. Good luck! 🙂

  37. My husband and I are a couple of crazy straight kids, but we have an idea… Let’s stop bitching about Prop 8 and do something about it.

    Say… every 4th day of every month, gay people and their allies protest the passing of Prop 8 by not not going to work. I mean, California would come to a crashing stop! It’d not only lend visibility to the cause, but be a monthly reminder until the next election…

    The author of Spanking the Donkey pointed out a very important aspect that is missing in modern-day social movements: organization and uniformity scare the CRAP out of your enemies.

  38. What is wrong with everyone bitching about proposal 2 passing? As if alleviating some of the suffering of farm animals is somehow taking votes away from the gay marriage debate. As a vegan and ardent supporter of gay marriage, I find it offensive that people are somehow resentful of the fact that prop 2 passed. Of course I would have liked to see prop 8 pass too, and donated money to both causes, but the bottom line is, they were BOTH good causes. Of course, prop 2 got more votes because it’s a lot less controversial, and MAINLY because it doesn’t ask regular Joe Schmuck to change anything in their behavior. Come on, people, get over it and go bitch against something that really deserves it.

  39. The Mormon Church should lose their tax-exempt status for how they handled this. One requirement of being tax-exempt is that the organization ‘may not attempt to influence legislation as a substantial part of its activities’. Pay those taxes, fuckers!!

  40. Yay for you. Sow that gay panic! I think it’s about goddamn time.

    I’m still on a high about yesterday because I LIVE IN CT and we are now, at long last, civilized. Or close enough. I’m ready to give everyone in the state a high five, until I remember we still have Joe Lieberman to kick around.

    But last night I went to bed with my (straight) husband and felt safer than ever in our marriage. All those gay people are off the streets now, no longer tempting him because now they can be just as boring as we are. Hey, how come no one ever thought of that argument, eh? The married people=boring factor is worth looking into.

  42. Same Problem: It is normal to have a small amount of pain at the moment of penetration as your vagina is stretched open. It is also normal for it to get painful after you’ve been at it for a while. Your vagina is a delicate thing and can only take so much. (We’re talking, like, over an hour.) You’ll run out of natural lubricant and artificial ones just don’t last as long, because you have to keep applying them. If he goes too long just tell him to hurry it up, or suck him off!

  43. Dan, as an outspoken opposer to Prop H8 on the other side of the country, watching the news announce it’s passing nearly broke my heart. A few years ago, in my home state of Virginia, a similar proposition passed, and it’s passing not only saddened me but interested me greatly in the topic of gay marriage. Until then, I never really gave it much thought, but seeing how deeply hatred runs through this country has made me an avid supporter of gay rights. I hope and pray that one day our country will realize that this is not a matter for the people to vote on, because it is a CIVIL RIGHTS matter, and any law passed denying gays these rights is a violation of our Constitution.

  44. Well, I haven’t timed it but I”m pretty sure “too long” is nowhere close to an hour. I mean, if you count the foreplay we can go on for awhile but if you’re only counting penetration I don’t think it gets anywhere close to that. I guess I ought to time it but Im guessing 10-30 minutes. We used a silicone lube and often add more partway through. I’ve tried waterbased but it doesn’t seem to work as well.

    Also, no one I’ve talked to says the first thrust to always hurts when they have sex. I’d like to think its normal but it seems like it isn’t… Maybe Im just a wuss but to me its a significant amount of pain.

  45. “For The Bible Tells Me So” — put it on your Netflix queue.

    All you people who come on here spouting your apparent knowledge of words like “abomination” and other biblically-supported, but thoroughly-twisted-by-humankind “sources” are so blinded by your own arrogance and misinformation that I doubt you’ll have the guts to rent this movie and possibly, just possibly, see things a little differently…

    But you wouldn’t be capable of doing that, now, would you?

  46. Re this week’s podcast: don’t forget that us gay have co-opted the very sky itself. Every time it rains while the sun shines, you have a reminder that you are being gayed.

  47. Dear Dan,
    now all your utah fans can come here to read your column, since you’ve been silenced in their state…sold out, thrown under the bus and all that. i hope you sue the bastards.

  48. 1/2 hour is a really long time when you’re young…for the first 10 years or so of my sex life it always hurt me at first, even if I enjoyed it later. Now I’m into my 40’s it’s pure bliss (nice to know that being old an’saggy has an upside, I guess), but it did use to be that for me to have fun with intercourse the stars had to be aligned. I couldn’t be on top, and had to be very relaxed, and there was definitely such a thing as too big.

    I rather agree with the ppl who say that if you always need lube he might not be treating you right. That’s kind of unusual in a young woman with a new husband. Also that the pill might be a factor.

    My final answer would be that the best lube is communication. I don’t know if my body actually changed or if I got better at asking for what I want, and — this turned out to be super important — making sure the man isn’t impatient. It turned out for me that most men really are happier if I’m happy, and once they know that’ll happen, they’re more than willing to wait for it. And the magic part is, once _I_ know that’ll happen, they don’t have to wait long.

    Anyway, keep talking sister. If his heart’s in the right place, the two of you will figure it out.

  49. Responding to “disgusted:” You were so right on, until you said “You don’t deserve the rights you’ve got.” We need to stop getting so angry with those that are opposed to us that we stoop to such low levels.

  50. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS, DANDAN-SAN… GOOD FIGHT ON CNN WITH THAT YOU-KNOW-WHO *LOSER ALERT* LAST NIGHT!

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