I am a straight, crossdressing
male into bondage. That’s NOT my problem. Recently, I began
seeing a professional Dominatrix for forced crossdressing, among other
things. She was great, but our last session ended abruptly when She
told me that She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it,
but I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain
terms, She said no.
I then asked, politely, if She would wash
Her dildo in bleach in front of me so that I would know it was clean.
She ended the session right then and there, and She told me not to
contact Her again.
Was I out of line? I signed a “contract”
with Her that said I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has
several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just
wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won’t be
seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought I was out
of line. She reads your column.
Superior Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily
Why did this woman tell you to gather your
panties and go?
That’s hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I’m
not a mind reader. But I see two possible explanations: One, she is
unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene
that’s already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or,
two, you’re an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed to annoy
the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the curb.
I might be inclined to give you the benefit
of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your
having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips
me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just seeking the last
word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman
dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively
capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were
God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in
print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of
shit.
I’m having an interesting
dilemma.
I’m a 20-year-old female and a junior in
college. For the past few years, I’ve been working on becoming a
journalist. But I’ve found myself less and less interested (and
passionate) about it as time goes on. And I think I’d rather be a
fetish model.
For the past year, I’ve been a submissive in
a D/s relationship with my boyfriend. I love him VERY much, and he is
more respectful toward me than any other man I’ve been with. Lately,
we’ve been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling website.
I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera, but I LOVE the
idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as a career, and so does
he.
From the photos I’ve done so far, I’m pretty
sure this could pay off AND be more personally satisfying than a job at
a newspaper. But I’m nervous about what my family and friends will say
when they realize I’m never going to write for the Washington Post or
the New York Times.
Kinky Coed
Journalism or fetish modeling, journalism or
fetish modeling—gee, which career is right for you?
Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of
the newspapers you cite as possible future places of employment, you
would know that times are tough at daily newspapers. The internet ate
their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello
“citizen journalists”!—and right now, it’s all layoffs and
buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you care
so little about journalism that you’re tempted to make a career of
posting bondage pictures to a website instead, KC, then don’t go into
journalism. Leave the few jobs that remain at newspapers to people who
have some passion for the field.
So it’s fetish modeling for you, right? Not
so fast, kinkster. Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing
similar financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to
write for free online, many millions of people are willing to post
everything from “tasteful” fetish shots to hardcore porn online for
free. So while there may be a handful of people out there who’ll pay to
see you tied up, you’re probably not going to make enough money as a
fetish model to support yourself.
So you might want to think of some other
line of work, something with more job security and better long-term
prospects—perhaps banking or real estate?
I have a bigot in the family.
My brother’s mother-in-law is scared this country is “on its way” to
legalizing same-sex marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells
[her].” Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes
back to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s said
that if gay marriage becomes legal she’ll help me find a husband.
Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no
prejudice. As a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible,
but I’m conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I see her
half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same time I typically see
my nieces and nephews. I don’t want her bigotry to impose on my right
and desire to spend time with these kids as their uncle. On the other
hand, I can’t just sit there and be quiet.
Battling Bigots In Brooklyn
Anyone looking for proof that the United
States is “on its way toward legalizing same-sex marriage,” despite
recent setbacks, only has to look to the numbers of people—gay
and straight—who poured into streets over the last two weeks to
protest the bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority
rights and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell
about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love how my
boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit Canada, without
anyone else’s marriage being threatened. Here’s hoping that one day
soon the United States will recognize the legal marriages of all
Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)
Okay, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest
I attended in New York City last week—well, after “Jesus Had Two
Daddies,” “Use Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil,” and “Thou
Shalt Not Fuck with Us”—was this: “No More Mr. Nice Gay.” If
anyone caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same
night, you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation with
lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to get involved
in the fight? Jointheimpact.com is a good place to start.)
But while I’m down with the whole no more
Mr. Nice Gay thing, BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother’s
MIL. She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being. And it sounds like
her affection for you is already on a collision course with her
bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there’s a difference
between civil marriage rights and religious marriage rites. Polls show
that many Americans have already come around on this issue. Thanks to
the work you’ve already done, BBIB, it sounds like your brother’s MIL
will be next.
You know, myself and others are pretty much convinced the Mormon church was embezzling money, and that’s how so much got donated. Ever wonder why so many average-income Mormon homes were able to give tens of thousands of dollars to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign?
(No offense to Mormons; just the Mormon churches in California.)
And BBIB, you’ll probably out-live her, so you will have more time to be Uncle than she will to be Grandmother.
Whoa, a little harsh with SHEESH, there, Dad. Not that you couldn’t well be right about him, but I think it’s just as likely that he’s not seeking the last word OR a dressing down for his ex-domme so much as looking for a way to get around her “don’t contact me again” rule. He might just be doing his best to get in touch with her, tell her how much their relationship matters to him, and affirm that he intended no offense all in the only way he can while still being obedient, through your column.
“your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of shit”
Wow Dan, you may have played right into his “toping from the bottom”ing hands and answered his prayers/fantasies and publically humilated him. It may be a long time before a Professional Dominatrix or Dominate partner live up to what you just did.
Dan, don’t you think that any self-respecting bottom should request a clean dildo? Being submissive should not involve putting yourself at possible risk of contracting STDs.
My favorite sign was a picture of a wedding ring that looked a lot like the “lord of the rings” ring along with a caption “The precious, we wants it”
BBIB: The way that I see it, gay marriage is a human and civil rights issue. My sister argues that she thinks that whether or not to allow, license and recognize gay marriage is a “States’ Rights” issue.
When you see your brother’s mother-in-law during this holiday season, remind her that it really wasn’t that long ago that mixed race marriages were forbidden in many states. In that short time, we have come so far.
It is NOT the Mormon Church that donated the money. It’s the gajillion members of the Mormon Church in California that individually donated with the same faithfulness they use to fork over their 10% tithing. The Church is VERY careful not to get involved in this. They don’t want to lose their tax exempt status. They would have to pay A LOT if that happened. (Anyone read that book about how much money the Church has)
I know that people are angry. I grew up Mormon and I’m furious they are so proud to be so politically ignorant. But I feel it’s important to fight with the truth.
I have met so many people who would call themselves social conservatives, who learn tolerance by meeting tolerant others. When tolerance becomes hip and popular (as it seems to be becoming), even our brothers’ mothers-in-law will come around. It is only a matter of time. As “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” falls down, as Prop 8 fails in court, as more social conservatives meet and develop friendships and working relationships with those of us who are different, change occurs.
What self-respecting sex worker would refuse a request to make sure a dildo is clean?
As an ex-mormon, I was hoping to use prop 8 as an example of why others should leave the mormon church, but after reading all the facts I could find, the church itself spent only around $2,000 on the campaign, and that was to fly people over to California to speak at public assemblies. So it became a really lame argument, and you can’t argue that individuals supporting a campaign is bad, because every individual has the right to support whatever they like. So I have to agree with AnnoyedJackMormon. And to reply to Suki, the Mormons don’t need to use some elaborate embezzlement scheme to help members to donate stuff. Individual members already pour thousands of dollars into the Mormon church every year – 10% of their gross income as a way of life – so seriously they will give a bit more to other efforts if the church tells them it will help preserve their way of life. We need to educate people more, instead of playing the blame game and vandalizing stuff, which I think is damaging future pro-gay campaigns. Educate the population, and pray to the god of ass that all fundamental religious groups lose their genitals and cease to procreate 😉
I would really, really like to know why people even think it is their God damned business who marries or fucks who.
My family is a bunch of biggots, excluding my brother. My mom even sees two women holding hands and she points them out and says how it is disgusting and against Gods will. I have a lot of problems with this.
I am bisexual. I have been with a woman. I have sex outside of marriage (gasp). I have had a threesome, my boyfriend is 20 years older than me AND we have an open relationship. This is what makes me happy, and I feel and ahve always felt that so long as no one gets hurt (hurt in the bad way) then there is no reason whatsoever for other people to stick their noses in it. Marriage is about love and commitment, not gender or race.
And also, I don`t think SHEESH was out of line to ask for a clean dildo. I am a submissive to my boyfriend and before and after we are together we talk, in depth, about likes and dislikes and things that would make me or him uncomfortable. He respects my wishes and limits. I think asking for a clean dildo is NOT a huge deal, I think what pissed her off is him insisting she do it in front of him. If not for that, it may have gone diffrently.
I’d like to point out that BIB’s aunt-in-law (?) isn’t really all that much of a bigot. She is opposed to gay marriage for religious reasons, but other than that she seems entirely tolerant of who you are and the way you live your life. She even says that if gay marriage were legal, she’d help you find someone. That’s not bigotry, that’s civil disagreement undergirded by love and affection.
My advice to you is to drop the issue for now, and look into Christian and Evangelical groups that support gay rights, and from them get some Biblical glosses in favor of gay marriage. Next time she brings the issue up (and that means SHE has to bring the issue up, you can’t bait her into it), you tell her that Pastor Jones of Brotherly Love Institute says such-and-such, and it will give her something to chew on.
Or you could dismiss her complaints with “A guy named Saul opposed the rights of a minority, too, until by God’s grace he saw the light and changed his ways.” She’ll know what you’re talking about.
To the X-Mormon: the president of the Mormon church had a letter read at all the churches telling them to donate and volunteer. As you know Mormons do what the pres tells them to, other wise they don’t get into the temple and with out that you can’t go to heaven. The church was involved and should loose their tax exemption.
Here’s a thought that would make us feel good and piss off the Mormons. So just for fun… Lets start a petition to change the state constitution restoring the traditional meaning of a Christian as one who follows the life of Christ through the teaching of the Bible, the true word of God.
Obviously this would be needed to protect our children from being taught that Mormons are Christians and tricking them into the Mormon lifestyle.
Once all the evangelicals hear that the Mormons are closer to Scientology then Christ, I guarantee they would support it!
What’s even funnier, with the right amount of money and the right PR firm, you could probably do it.
Fucking hell, Dan! Being a bit harsh with SHEESH, don’t you think? Seems like the capped pronouns really sent you into a frenzy. If his Dom reads the column and recognizes his query, isn’t it possible he still wants to appear respectful to her, and as someone upthread pointed out, possibly get back into her good graces? Maybe that’s misguided, but does that make him ‘a manipulative piece of shit?’
I think anti-gay people can solve their problems easily. If same sex marriage pisses you off that much, don`t marry someone of the same sex. It`s that simple.
Unfortunately folks, as much as you may think SHEESH is the victim here, I do wonder…
I mean, whatever it was that happened, he was specifically asked NOT to contact this woman ever again. This is a rather passive-aggressive way of contacting her without contacting her, isn’t it?
Since when did having limits that include safe sex start being topping from below?
I have never believed that being a bottom means abdicating all responsibility for your own safety. Domme wants to tie you up and leave you alone gagged? Dom says it is just fine if he pours boiling water from a kettle on you? Top wants to share sex toys without putting a condom on them? No, no, no, no, no!
And if a prodomme gets snitty about you taking responsibility for your own health then shame, shame, shame on her. And shame on you too Dan for not saying so.
You’re well shot of her – take your cash and give it to a better and more professional woman.
The debate with Perkins might have gone better if either of you were speaking one at a time.
“Dan, don’t you think that any self-respecting bottom should request a clean dildo? Being submissive should not involve putting yourself at possible risk of contracting STDs.”
“What self-respecting sex worker would refuse a request to make sure a dildo is clean? “
Agreed!
You may have been right about him, but that doesn’t mean his request was out of line.
Hey Jack Mormon. Prop 8 was funded by way more than Californian Mormons. The biggest donor was from, guess where….. drumroll please.
I was raised Mormon too, and who really cares about truth applied to a religion that was founded on a liar, propagated by liars, and is practiced by an odd mix of the desparate, the brainwashed, the bigoted, and the…. Liars!
The Mormons don’t need to embezzle. Tithing is an incredible money-making machine for their missionary-sending, membership-driven empire. The faithful pledged this money like they were placing it directly into their god’s gigantic, straight hand.
As an ex-mormon (ptl! (praise the lesbians)) I’m not surprised at their ability to drum up money. I mean, they don’t drink, smoke, engage in premarital sex, etc., what else are they going to do with their money? (I say: buy birth control.)
Just watched Anderson Cooper thing on youtube. Awesome.
‘When you see your brother’s mother-in-law during this holiday season, remind her that it really wasn’t that long ago that mixed race marriages were forbidden in many states. In that short time, we have come so far.’
The problem with this tactic is that many people who support prop 8 (including Mormons) aren’t too hot on interracial marriage, either. Not that they can say so out loud (anymore. But just take a look at their not-so-colorful history).
If that mother-in-law is a bigot, she is an extremely poor one. Gay marriage supporters would be lucky if all the opponents were so polite and loving. Unfortunately, those opponents also include raving fundies who’d like to slaughter gays and all sorts in between.
It sounds like she is already balancing her religious beliefs with compassion and love for individuals. I’d say that makes her a pretty Christ-like Christian. We could use a whole lot more of that variety of Christian.
Tolerance certainly comes with proximity. I would hope BBIB would learn to tolerate her beliefs (despite his disagreement with them) the way she tolerates his lifestyle and sexual orientation (despite her disagreement with them.)
Why were you so harsh on SHEESH? It’s certainly an angle that I never thought of, but I think he’s well rid of that domme if she refuses to play safe.
Perhaps it’s you, Dan, and not SHEESH who’s got some kind of undisclosed drama going on. Maybe you’re making an example out of SHEESH for some reason that’s not immediately apparent to your readers.
Or you could have been drunk when writing the column…
What would have been wrong with putting a condom on the dildo?
Dan, I’m surprised at you. Shouldn’t safety come first?
I am a researcher and I suppose an expert of some sort on the LDS Church (I’m not LDS). The LDS Church has no problem generating funds for itself or for others. First, they do not pay any of the their Church workers since the LDS Church opposes paid ministry (they compensate time, travel and provide food, but not pay). Second, their tithing set up, business investments, companies, etc. give them tremendous financial clout. Finally, each LDS member feels a deep moral obligation not only hand out 10% of their income (the tithe) to the Church but will even damage their own financial prospects to do Church business (oppose the gays and the marriages, one might say). It’s a cultural model that’s been comfortably in place for 170 years. And subtlety is not their strong point.
Dan,
I was really surprised at the harshness of your comments to SHEESH. As I read the letter the first time, and then again after reading your answer, I found the writer to be someone who is sincerely bewildered by the sudden turn of events and simply looking for some closure.
Oh my god, what a terrible response to SHEESH.
(a) SHEESH did not “have his dispute carried into [your] column”. YYOOUU published it, Dan. HOW’D THAT HAPPEN?!
(b) And how ’bout this third explanation: the dominatrix is a psycho who is knowingly attempting to infect her clients. Not even a possibility, Dan? Should we learn from this to “take our chances” with foreign dildoes? Nice!
As an occasional domme (not for pay but for fun), you try to get everything laid out ahead of time, people’s desires, toys you are using, etc. Once you are in the mode, it’s frustrating if someone wants to change the rules, break your flow, you stop and change toys or break out the bleach. She likely was going to use a condom on him, but either way, if he knew this was a possibility, he should have stated his preferences up front. This is easy to negotiate beforehand. Likely, this was the end of a long line of annoying twists and turns he would make in the scene. Plus, you can see how he needs to be right in a passive/aggressive way, just in the writing and wording of this letter.
So yes, I think his request was valid, but it was poorly timed, and definitely topping from the bottom. “Wash it with bleach in front of me” is not a suitable request for a sub once you’re into a scene.
I gotta echo the chorus calling you out on your rough treatment of SHEESH. Why are you so angry at him? Here he is, giving you a great opportunity to educate everyone on the proper etiquette involved in Bondage-TS-Male-Sub/Professional-Female-Dom relationships, and what do you do? You chew out the writer!
Now, everyone who engages in sex should take care of their sexual health, which includes monitoring what gets inserted into them. How does one do that when you’ve paid someone money to take away your control? And if you’re not sure, I know you’ve got plenty of people to call for advice. So why did you withhold it from him? Is this _your_ way of playing the Pro-Dom???
if this lady went to the lengths of having a contract, one would think she would be safe. I think drafting up a contract for the work she does proves she handles all matters in her business professionally. Dan was a bit rough, i myself had to close my jaw, but Dan was right. He was a being a douche and she did what her contract promised, kicked his butt to the curb.
SHEESH – Just ask her politely to incoperate a condom on the toy into the play…safe AND kinky umm
KC – So you can’t decide on bondage or a Pulitzer- check out Xtube for all the amateurs who are showing it ALL for free
Now, Dan my have become my new HERO -what a wonderful “spokes gay ” for us . My partner and I have been together since 1968-and were married in San Francisco City Hall in July. We will prevail in this battle …
I think Dan was probably right on with his treatment of SHEESH although he would have done better to include a line that mentioned using a condom. Bleach seems like kind of a complicated request… gotta pour it in a bucket, clean it up, then rinse off, all while wearing gloves. And then there are the fumes. What a pain. Asking for safety is absolutely the right thing to do, but asking for it to be done in such a pain in the ass way would probably have pissed me off too.
Kinky Coed- Even if you made it as a journalist, I think that you’d have time to take your little pictures. Sounds to me like your dilemma can be attributed to your laziness. Good luck in either field if that’s the case.
Kinky Coed- Even if you made it as a journalist, I think that you’d have time to take your little pictures. Sounds to me like your dilemma can be attributed to your laziness. Good luck in either field if that’s the case.
Regarding SHEESH, she decided to start using a dildo on him during a scene? She didn’t discuss that beforehand? That’s totally wrong, IMO; and if he then has to start stating limits mid-scene that’s her fault not his. He may be an arse, but he’s better off away from her.
Bayhuntr,
Read the IRS rules. While church advocacy for a *candidate* is categorically forbidden, church advocacy for an *issue* is not. Do you also think the Quaker Church should lose its tax exemption if someone at Meeting stands up and says “There’s going to be an anti-war protest next Saturday, meet at City Hall”? Should a synagogue lose its tax exemption if the rabbi asks members to support legislation to ensure that mohels will still be allowed to perform circumcisions in people’s homes?
Nic said: “Gay marriage supporters would be lucky if all the opponents were so polite and loving.”
Why? If you support gay marriage, you are in no way lucky to have people voting against gay marriage, no matter how nice they are about it. If anything, it’s worse. People like her who preach their pseudo-tolerant bullshit lend the Prop 8s of the world an air of legitimacy that Fred Phelps never could. Sane people don’t really pay attention to the “god hates fags” stuff, but “love the sinner, hate the sin” just sounds so warm and cuddly. It rationalizes bigotry.
Best protest sign in SF: “Would you rather I marry your daughter?”
Lol@ “She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being.”
I was at the Philly protest on Saturday, and my favorite sign was “A recent California poll shows that you have a 52.5% chance of being an idiot.”
I don’t know much about dom/sub ettiquette, but my first guess is that what ticked her off was his request that she wash the dildo IN FRONT of him. Meaning, he’s in charge of the scene, checking up on her making sure she does it right. Sounds toppy from the bottom to me. If he has so little faith in her as a professional maybe he shouldn’t be with her in the first place.
clean dildos are in
I’m happy that gay people have the self esteem to say hell no we won’t go, away.
I think the religious right has been allowed to make politics with impunity, so I glad to see them called out from behind their pews. True Christians do not condemn, or criticize others and they don’t pay others to do it for them
TO SHEESH:
A sub should NEVER be put at risk to contract an STD purely for the comfort of the Dom. Safe sex is always a right, not a privelege, not something to be compromised on.
Maybe SHEESH was topping from the bottom, as some people have suggested, but “My Name Here” makes the excellent point that the dom broke the rules first by introducing dildo training in the middle of a scene. That’s something that should have been negotiated before they started, and then SHEESH could have brought up his completely reasonable and healthy request to supply his own dildo. Not only is cleanliness an issue (and bleach or sustained boiling would be the only way to guarantee no STI or bacterial transmission if she’d used the dildo on someone else already) but many toys are made of unhealthy materials. (As an aside,I’m chemically sensitive and I always supply my own lube, condoms and toys because most of what’s out there causes me irritation and/or yeast infections. I support anyone who wants to protect their health by bringing their own toys.) SHEESH may or may not be a jerk – we don’t know from his letter, he doesn’t sound like one to me – but I think Dan’s jumping to conclusions and being way too harsh. I understand him wanting to defend sex workers, but I don’t think SHEESH was out of line – the dom was, and SHEESH is well rid of her. And Dan passed up an opportunity to address an interesting question of sex etiquette in favor of using a reader as a punching bag.
PG – Your comparing Apples and oranges.
A “synagogue losing its tax exemption if the rabbi asks members to support legislation to ensure that mohels will still be allowed to perform circumcisions in people’s homes” Is not the same thing as a tax exempt church using its vast tax free network of churches and printing presses to LOBBY to eliminate the rights of a minority. For anyone else to fight such an onslaught have to pay dearly to even put such a network together, not to mention we would have to pay taxes on all of it.
You need read the IRS rules, they can’t LOBBY.