I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.
I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a woman’s panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isn’t bald and her “little man in the boat” doesn’t fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.
I have asked women with whom I’ve become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman’s control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isn’t big enough, there’s no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a man’s dick was too small or too large, or they didn’t like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time, and effort are invested?
Call Me Asshole
Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time, and effort in you, CMA. Or any emotion, time, and effort. But there’s literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her “baldness” or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: www.tinyurl.com/5vle95) are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.
Don’t get me wrong, CMA: It’s a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them, and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think—even if it’s not true—that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.
So what do you do? Well, CMA, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. You’re just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, CMA, just make up a nice, polite it’s-not-you-it’s-me lie. It wouldn’t be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, when in actual fact there’s something wrong with you.
Kinky female here, age 26. For as long as I’ve been sexually active, I’ve been ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel in my hands and when they’re inside me. This isn’t to say that I’d date a guy purely on cock enormity alone; I wouldn’t. But I’m not sure what to do about my current situation: I’m dating someone now who shares my same values—he’s flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPaul’s Drag Race—but we don’t have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of it’s because he’s pretty vanilla, although he’s GGG, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Sadly. Am I wrong to want a guy with the lower half of a horse? If so, can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?
Female Phallophiliac
You don’t say how long you’ve been dating this guy, FP.
If you’ve been fucking him for a while and you still haven’t found a groove, well, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPaul’s Drag Race are nice, but they’re not enough to sustain a long-term romantic relationship.
But if you’ve been dating him a short time, FP, and there’s been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes the chemistry is there and obvious from the start; sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig him—and it sounds like you do—then he’s worth the investment of a little time. As for the little dick, well…
How big is his forearm?
I’m a partnered gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it and I can’t change it and I know how to enjoy it now.
Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes and comments suggesting that guys with small dicks aren’t real men, or should always bottom, or aren’t worth dating. Stuff like that. And it has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys I’ve heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. They know I’m small. It wasn’t an issue, because they initiated the sex and wanted it more than once. I had a six-month fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didn’t have an issue with my size.
So my dilemma is this: Is this just some self-esteem issue that I’ve been unaware of and need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys I’ve had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.
Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned
You should definitely say something to the two ingrates you’ve had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You don’t have to volunteer to men you haven’t fucked that you happen to have a small dick yourself. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments and that it’s just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequate—particularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.
STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indiana’s right-wing Republican governor signed a bill into law that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts don’t matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch “Social Issues Truce” Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donation—even if all you can afford is a small, symbolic one—to Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to www.ppin.org, and click “Donate Now!” Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
I’m not too interested in helping CMA but Dan for future reference a good fix for this is called a clit pump. It is a very pleasurable intense experience that heightens arousal and sensitivity in women and *dun dun dun!* makes a clit as large as you like it. And there’s plenty of ladies on fetlife into it. Or heck, tell him about fetlife! There is a big clit fetish and plenty of women who have one. I know I do. But of course you’re right no one is into a capital A @sshole, so if you’re not willing to actually get to know people before they show you their big C, you won’t find many women interested.
@20 – If your clit protrudes past your labia majora (outer labia) when you are not aroused, you have a large clit. If it can’t be found without an actual examination by interested parties, it is a small clit. Anything in between is medium sized. Tada.
Hey, for those of you in NYC, I hope you can come to this benefit show for Planned Parenthood.
http://thepermanentwave.wordpress.com/20…
xo
For those of you in NYC, I hope you can come to this benefit show for Planned Parenthood.
http://thepermanentwave.wordpress.com/20…
xo
Response about Dan’s forearm suggestion. He isn’t saying those folks should immediately start fisting. He is just saying that if you use something other than your dick, you can vary the size way more. Two fingers feel like a small dick, three feel like a big one, and then there is always the option of four, and different depths of your whole hand, fingers pointed, controlling thickness. Because when women complain about a dick feeling too small, the issue is much more often girth, not length. So sure, the max is a whole fist and forearm, or two, but soooo many options leading up to that. Not all sex has to be about the dick. That is all.
@49 Great post. I’m sorry to hear you have Peyronie’s disease, but I thank you for educating me about it. Wiki says up to 10% of men (especially Caucasian men over 40) have the disease. And I just wanted to say that your attitude is fantastic.
Thanks again. (Oh, and to this girl, shaved balls are unnecessary because I still get my own damn hair in my mouth when I’m giving head. Less true for gay guys, I’m guessing.)
@51 – “There is a big clit fetish” and “plenty of ladies on fetlife into it”
I did not know that – thanks for spreading the word! There is a whole group devoted to “Lisa’s Giant Clit and lovers of…” Good to know.
That study only applies to women who are partnered/married to guys with micropenises, not gay men. Gay men REQUIRE sizemeat!!!!!!! Or they don’t– it may or may not matter (it matters!). Listen, babydick, could it be that you’re letting your insecurity get the best of you? Lil’ dick jokes are hilarious…well, dick jokes in general…and to deprive people of a laugh because of your insecurity seems pretty uncool. And besides, there are plenty of big dick jokes…dick jokes! Obviously if a person measures the authenticity or presence of masculinity by the size of one’s penis, one can conclude that the size of his IQ is also in single of double digits, and can be ignored. Not people that, if serious, one ought take seriously (like nascar fans). So in short, shaddup, meg! Whiny bitch. DICK JOKES! It’s so big I use a hula hoop as a ****ring.
Wow, Dan. You really missed the mark on #1. CAM has a very strict physical requirement, and whether that’s something he can work around (forearm equivalent?) or not, it’s a relationship-changing issue that women deserve to know before they become seriously involved, or before they trust their bodies to this man to be enjoyed and not judged.
Some women might not choose to sleep with him after they find out, or feel like he’s shallow and uncompromising. That would really be their prerogative, though. They deserve to understand the risks involved before generously offering their time and their bodies up to be approved or denied.
Wow, Dan. You really missed the mark on #1. CAM has a very strict physical requirement, and whether that’s something he can work around (forearm equivalent?) or not, it’s a relationship-changing issue that women deserve to know before they become seriously involved, or before they trust their bodies to this man to be enjoyed and not judged.
Some women might not choose to sleep with him after they find out, or feel like he’s shallow and uncompromising. That would really be their prerogative, though. They deserve to understand the risks involved before generously offering their time and their bodies up to be approved or denied.
Wow, Dan. You really missed the mark on #1. CAM has a very strict physical requirement, and whether that’s something he can work around (forearm equivalent?) or not, it’s a relationship-changing issue that women deserve to know before they become seriously involved, or before they trust their bodies to this man to be enjoyed and not judged.
Some women might not choose to sleep with him after they find out, or feel like he’s shallow and uncompromising. That would really be their prerogative, though. They deserve to understand the risks involved before generously offering their bodies up to be approved or denied.
@43, well, I may be defensive given that I’ve heard “Well my other girlfriends have kept theirs shaved” more than once, like it’s supposed to be the default. By “supposed to” I’m indicating this is actually the biological default for the majority of the adult population, not making a sweeping moral judgment.
Personally, I don’t view armpit hair the same way, really. It feels uncomfortable to me – I’ve let it grow quite a bit in winter. And it doesn’t serve the all-important “buffer” purpose – shaving my armpits doesn’t make me more likely to get a yeast infection. But that’s my personal thing.
I think mainly I take a wide view of what is acceptable personal grooming, and I find hard and fast requirements within that range to be unreasonable. Like the guy who was very eager to be set up with me until he heard that I had a very small tattoo on my shoulder. That was just weird, though I think I dodged a bullet on that one. But then somebody might find my rather minimal personal grooming requirements rather primitive.
A preference is different from a demand. I prefer a big dick, but I don’t demand one. My husband prefers long hair, but he isn’t going to divorce me if I get a hair cut. What this man has isn’t a preference; it’s a fetish. A fetish so strong that he cannot function without it. It is, in some cases, a sexual dysfunction. If he can see it as a sexual dysfunction that a caring woman would have to overlook instead of a reasonable preference any decent woman would accomodate, he’ll get further. But still, some day the woman will be too pregnant to shave, or too old and arthritic, and like any mammal, will grow hair. He’s gonna have to live with it, or be alone forever.
#1 isn’t quite an asshole, he’s just got a fetish that can’t really be described to prospective partners in non-asshole terms. Just keep holding out, CMA, and try to be nice to the ladies who don’t fit the mold.
My vagina and I really don’t give a shit how you prefer to keep your vagina, we just wish that people would stop feeling the need to ADVERTISE what condition it’s in. Shaved or not, you stop being classy when you start fighting about it.
@55 I’m glad somebody finally pointed out that fisting doesn’t mean that you have to go elbow deep. Using your hands/fingers is a great way to be able to have penetrative sex and control girth at the same time.
My dick is so big that i’m already fucking a girl tomorrow
As long as your partner gets you off then that’s all that really counts. I like big dicks, but then again, anal and oral might be better with avg/slightly less than avg equipment.
Pubic hair is a question of aesthetics. No one is going to mistake a grown woman for a child. Men don’t have to grow beards to prove their manhood. So why are people so uptight about what is and isn’t shaved on a woman? Who cares?
When is a dick small big or average? When fully erect is 6″ average? should it be below 6 small 6 average 7 or larger big? Shouldn’t someone make a poll about this?
Could CMA and FP place ads on Fetlife looking for people’s who genitalia suit their desires? They would have to be GGG, but if the bald, big-clitted girl of CMA’s dreams loves pegging or the like, isn’t that worth the time spent looking?
@68
Yes, and poles have been, ah, undertaken to gauge the size of peepees. According to what my sister’s husband told her, the largest penis ever recorded was four inches long, fully erect. DICK JOKES!
IT’S SO BIG YOU NEED A LADDER TO BLOW ME!
There is something really off about CMA. Had he said that big clits and bald pussies drive him wild, ok. But he is NOT turned on unless he has that combo.
Sorry, not buying it. I think he has created an unrealistic scenario that he is using as an excuse as to why he is unable to have a mutually satisfying relationship. The fact that he sees getting to know the person wearing the panties as a waste of time unless he finds that combo is very telling.
yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, CMA, and there really is no graceful way to smoothly guide a conversation toward clit size. i can’t really see an obvious “yes, and speaking of…” kind of intro for you. er, sorry.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
@1:
I think you missed this part of Dan’s article, which goes like this:
“facts don’t matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch “Social Issues Truce” Daniels”
Sorry, but even if it cost his *state treasury* billions more a year, his view is “you deserve what you get, you slut”. Because sex is bad, mmmkay?
So don’t even bother with an appeal to logic. Just call him a Socialist right out of the gate.
@71 Tim Horton
So you don’t believe in fetishes? He has a fetish. It’s a deal breaker. He isn’t devaluing the women he goes out with, he just is lamenting the inherent contradiction that it’s impossible to know up front what you can’t know until at least a few dates in. It doesn’t matter how great the woman is if this fetish need isn’t taken care of. That’s honesty and realism, not assholery.
Okay, so this week Dan had letters from two people who are picky about the genital size of their lovers.
It seemed like the dude was apologetic about his preferences where the female was unself-conscious in her letter. In my opinion this double standard in how you are allowed to feel about comes from our culture.
Dan didn’t seem to thrilled with either person, but it seemed to me he might have been slightly less neutral with the dude. I am undecided about this, I can’t really tell. What do other people think?
It seemed like the woman got a “that is life, this is how you proceed” reply about her preference for big penises whereas the guy got a “your preference, your PROBLEM” reply in regards to him wanting a woman with a big clitoris.
Thoughts?
@48
Brilliant! I just made one in memory of my mom, but I’ma go back and make a token donation in honor of Mitch Daniels.
@20 – totally. I have never seen another clit, at least not one on someone older than 2, so I have no idea if I have a big or small clit. Would love to know actually, now that you mention it!
@77 nyker
You’ve never seen porn? Also seeing the thing in person doesn’t necessarily help. Men have access to rulers and still have not the slightest idea of their dick size.
@75 Yes, he did treat the big-clit-lover more harshly. Because he absolutely refuses to be with a small-clittied woman. He’d dump her on the spot. Whereas the big-dick-lover isn’t such a dick about it, she’s actually dated the guy for a while and gave him a chance to light her fire (even though he isn’t).
Unusual preference vs unusual *requirement* = different treatment by Dan. It has nothing to do with gender, you tickle-brained pimpernel.
My boyfriend and I both shave because we are hair phobes who hate getting hair in our mouths. It has nothing to do with aesthetics. I get a hair in my mouth and spend like half an hour gagging and feeling like there’s more stuck in my throat. I’m like Larry David in that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.
Also, really, how long does it take CMA to get a girl to sleep with him? Most girls I know tend to do wait only 3 to 4 dates. That’s not much of an emotional investment.
This week’s column reminds me of the story about two braggarts who were standing with their backs to each other, urinating off opposite sides of the bridge. One said to his buddy, “Oooh, that water’s cold.” The other replied, “Yeah, and it’s deep, too.”
@80 But perhaps it feels like “too much” when the guy sounds like he places more importance on clit size over almost any other factor in whether he’d want to continue dating a woman…
@79 Mrs. DePointe
He didn’t say “dump on the spot.” He says that there is no need to continue to pursue the relationship. Granted the use of the word “return” is unusual, but he doesn’t get into the details of how gently or not he breaks the news to her.
Dating leads to marriage or it leads to breaking up. We all have dealbreakers that we get around to finding out about. Sexual incompatibility is one thing that must be addressed, and no, that doesn’t negate every other factor. Don’t pretend you can just overlook it.
Don’t shave or trim, but it’s pretty much a moot point as I’m all but hairless naturally.
Having said that, I want to agree that perhaps some of the anti-shaving, “you must be a pedophile!” response may be a kind of reflex reaction to the “Eeewww, I feel so stinky and nasty if my pussy’s not shaved clean – oh, but hey, I’m not judging YOU or anything” BS I’ve heard from other women more than once.
@74 – Mr.J: I totally get fetishes. Although admittedly mine are pretty tame and I can get a lot out of a relationship even if the exact fetish isn’t realized so I can’t totally relate. The part that threw me is his confession that he gets zero out of a relationship (at least sexually) unless this one fetish is realized. Are some people so sexually narrow that only one sexual ideal gives them ANY pleasure?
I have known a few people, guys in particular, that set up an unrealistic ideal and use it as an excuse why they can’t form a relationship. Either way, I don’t think he is an asshole, but he may be sabotaging himself.
5 cents please…..
@86 Tim Horton
I hope you don’t feel I’m picking on you. We have a different idea of what a fetish is. What you describe is what I would call a preference. You may have a strong preference but as a preference it has room to be offset by other factors. A fetish is like needing a woman to have a vagina. If on date 3 you find out she doesn’t have one you are going to recognize there is no point in going on. There are many other qualities that are important too, but some things can be absolute requirements.
Thanks for commenting on Indiana’s new repleased funding of Planned Parenthood. It did not get the press it should have. Kudos for being the ever viligant watch dog of polical BS and interference in our sexual and reproductive rights!
Mr. J, no offense taken, I enjoy your perspective. And in fact, I think you have accurately differentiated between a fetish and a preference. I have preferences only – I am one of those guys who really and truly is just happy to be naked with women. All kinds of women. Everything else past the “woman” is a bonus feature.
Come to think of it, I do have a vagina fetish!
Which is probably why I have never noticed a big difference in clit sizes. Mind you my sample is only a couple dozen, but they all seem relatively the same size….
Here is a thought for LW1-to help spare the women he may meet, not because I think much of him. Maybe there is some type of nudist colony for singles that he could go to? Everything would then be on display.
As for shaving, I am middle-aged and have never tried it because I am afraid of ingrown hairs. Also, I am really sensitive as it is, and don’t need anything making me more sensitive. I’d be willing to try the “baby chick” hair level maybe. I dated someone in their mid 50s and he was a complete PITA about wanting doing me it though. I didn’t think that older people would be THAT into it.
No thanks, CMA. I can’t find evidence worthy of calling you names. I’m inclined to think that you have a very specific fetish, though. Perhaps you could try a dating website and put it up on your profile? Here’s hoping there are some ladies that meet your requirements. Treat the ladies with respect and kindness and you be “Call Me Specific”. Good luck.
AT SMALL, embrace your superpower and work it. I think attitude is more important than size. Just my $0.02.
Hi Kim!
Hi Mr. J! I hope you’re smiling.
@84, I agree, as someone who trims but doesn’t shave, I know I can get a little defensive when confronted with the “Ewww, you don’t shave, that’s so gross – not that I’m judging, you can do whatever you want…even if it’s pretty disgusting” response that some – by no means all! – some pro-shaving ladies (and guys!) have. Also, it’s a little depressing when guys EXPECT you to shave and seem affronted (or shocked, especially if they’re younger) if you’re not willing. I think that sense of expectation and judgment is what tends to make non-shavers a little defensive at times.
There are good reasons to shave (smooth! no hair!) and good reasons not to shave (razor burn!) and it should really be a personal choice.
I think many men think they have a “small” dick when what they really have is average. I’ve been with little to “that won’t fit in any hole I possess”, and my opinion, and that of the majority of women I know, is that it doesn’t really matter, unless it’s on the extreme (micropenis or baby arm) side of either. And if it is, that’s a greater incentive to get good at the things most people like a lot, like oral and manual stimulation. The one person I knew who was definitely self conscious about his size was an absolute master at oral. If that’s what it takes, may all men be blessed with “small”.
I, too, have no idea what size my clit is. I’ve never even thought about it. I mean, is it hard to find if it’s too tiny? Or does it get in the way (of what?) if it’s too big? I don’t get it.
The only thing I can think of is that some men I’ve met who have bi fantasies/curiosities like to imagine a clit transforming into a dick. Less “gay” perhaps? It just grows and grows and next thing you know.. In which case, get your woman to wear a strap-on and go to town!
But really, I think this calls for a clit photo comparison, sloggers. I wanna run around bragging about mine – assuming we could figure out what men prefer, what small, large and average is, and where I fall on the spectrum. Yahoo group anyone? My curiosity is afire!
@84
nailed it!
Women need to lay off judging eachother so much – diversity is the spice of life. If women like keeping their hair and don’t think they’re morally or feministically (not a word, I know) superior for doing so, then good on them. If women want to remove it, and they’re not doing it because they think they “have to” then good on them too.
P.S. if anyone wants to sit in a circle and sing kumbaya later I’m down.
In response to razor burn – that’s what wax was invented for. I find the idea of putting something that could cut me near one of the most sensitive and useful parts of my body to be terrifying and I wouldn’t do it.
@44 what? the only people I’ve heard refer to “chafing” of the genital region are men… with full pubic hair. I’m confused.
Re razor burn – your mileage may vary, but for me, the irritation & itchiness went away after a month of shaving down there. It was a really annoying month, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find I can go back and forth between shaved/trimmed and not notice any irritation.
re wax – ouch! On the other hand, I pluck the hairs which are easy to get to (ie, not the wobbly bits). So go figure.
Mr J – You’re being a little too kind to CMA, not? He wants the benefits of having his fetish indulged or at least knowing it’s possible without wearing the label and by so doing allowing those women who meet his requirements but who’d prefer not to date someone who’s with them primarily because they pass a litmus test to opt out.
I don’t want to call him names, but he’s a bit cavalier for my tastes. “An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a woman’s panties.” What if he were to date one of your favourites here, such as Ms Erica or Ms Kim or Ms Canuck or anyone else high in your esteem, finally after visits to the Opera or the Ballet on numerous occasions get the much-desired peek, and proceed to write off the acquaintance as a bad investment; would you not take exception to that? I should. I could say more, but it’s late, I’m tired, and my computer ate the post over which I’d taken half an hour.
@EricaP
waxing barely even hurts once you’ve been doing it for a while – I’m less afraid of the razor burn than then thought of accidentally cutting myself. I’d probably cry!
This may be a stupid question but is there some sort of relation between clit size and sensitivity?
@101 – I waxed my legs once, and couldn’t imagine doing that again. But it’s really not so bad after a few times? Other people agree?
I’ve nicked myself a couple of times shaving, but less often than I’ve cut my legs — because I’m more careful and because I use a new blade each time.
Perhaps CMA would be interested in meeting this gal… http://www.someecards.com/2011/05/16/wom…