I don't know if I've ever fucked a Republican—I never took the time to inquire—though I did have sex with a married pastor once.
I had just turned 20 years old and lived in Lake Forest Park. There weren't too many sexual outlets for an openly gay young adult, so I relied on adult sex lines to meet and have sex with other men. I called in on a Sunday night, and received a voice mail from a married bisexual bottom named Blank. He claimed he was a 25-year-old Italian American in very good shape with a solid ass. After a few back and forth conversations, we arranged to meet at his home in Renton.
I arrived at Blank's house and abruptly found out that he was in his mid-50s, slightly chubby, somewhat greasy, and a pastor at a church that I never care to say or remember. He invited me into his home and initiated a one-sided conversation about how beautiful I was; this led to another conversation in which he invited me to join his congregation. He later offered me guidance if I ever wanted to change my "lifestyle."
After 30 of the most awkward minutes of my life, I grabbed his face and we began to make out as I unbuttoned his pants. Ten minutes later, I would discover that Pastor Blank was a power bottom. Until this day, I don't think I have had sex with anyone who could take a dick to the ass with such hungry force.
Approximately 15 minutes in, the door flew open and a young woman burst through the doorway, smiling from ear to ear. That smile lasted a nanosecond. She was his daughter. Her smile turned into a blood-curdling scream.
I immediately pulled out, grabbed my clothes, and ran to my 1989 Dodge Dynasty (RIP). I drove away quickly, and vowed never to return to Renton. I received a voice mail the next day from Pastor Blank, apologizing for the incident and inviting me to return to his home. I never responded.
Solomon Georgio is a stand-up comedian and the producer of the Capitol Club comedy series The Cracked Up!