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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A serious BDSM player can't be serious, sexual compatibility is important (ICYMI), gay man wonders if he should find a third the not-that-hard-way or take a $hortcut, and did mom just come out to her queer kids? And, as always, last week's colum and Savage Lovecast.

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First, regarding a call to the Lovecast from a subby/non-normative straight guy:

Commenting on episode 615, the caller, the non-traditional straight guy. I’m the kind of woman he’s looking for. {Not in his area, tho!) I also prefer an egalitarian relationship but dislike the guy being the “stronger” character in the relationship. I like being in charge but also value a male counterpart that isn’t intimidated by my personality. I like getting my way but that can’t be all the time! But I've never been into the guy "leading" the relationship. So this caller may want to look into the gentle Femdom kink. It’s essentially a role reversal. It may be more of what he had in mind. Also, the caller sounds wonderfully self-aware which is pretty damned rare in many men with submissive leanings. Kudos to the caller for knowing what he wants and starting to take ownership of his wants, needs, and kinks. Good luck!

And regarding my interview with Jesse Cramer, the writer and blogger who read and blogged the whole bible—including a bit in Numbers that seems to detail an abortion God approves of (discussed on episode 614 of the Savage Lovecast):

I know that passage in Numbers 5 well, and it’s not “God’s version of Planned Parenthood.” It’s a vivid description of Old Testament patriarchy at work. Going back to the Torah and rabbinical commentators, who understood the text in its original language, I found that this wasn’t described as God’s method of inducing miscarriage for the progeny of extramarital affairs; it’s a trial by ordeal. For the women who fail, the result is death. Your guest mentioned that during the show as well. Some rabbinical commentators believed women who failed this test would dissolve from the uterus outwards, like the Wicked Witch of the West. Others believed that women who failed these tests would be badly wounded and forever infertile and would be stoned to death soon afterward by the priests. In either case, if you fail this ordeal as described in the Bible, you don’t get a free abortion, you get murdered.

Of course, you and I know that dust and holy water won’t cause a miscarriage, so the real purpose of this test was to get women to confess to extramarital affairs by inspiring the fear of God in them. The reason the trial by ordeal in Numbers 5 exists was to satisfy jealous husbands who had convinced themselves their wives were cheating, and would not be dissuaded. A husband so convinced of his wife’s adultery had a right to drag her to the priests, publicly humiliate her, and to threaten her with a horrible death if she didn’t own up to the adultery. The priests would cajole and plead with the women to confess rather than do the ordeal; so it’s probable that those who did opt for the ordeal were likely to be 100% sure they were innocent. The guilty ones would own up to their sin rather than risk death in this manner. If you assume this ever really happened, I would guess that plenty of women who were put up to this by their angry husbands ended up confessing to affairs they never committed, rather than undergo the humiliation this ordeal entails (the woman had to do it naked in front of the priests and enter the tabernacle tent unclothed, under observation of her entire community).

I know that you really want to stick it to pro-life fundamentalists, but trying to put a liberal, pro-choice spin on this passage downplays the sexist horror show that it is.

For FUCKME:

FUCKME, dicks are like Tinkerbell: if you doubt that it will work, it won't. As you point out he gets really hard, so it's not that he is unable to get an erection, but he has a hangup on putting it in your pussy. So if his care and attention to getting you off regardless of whether there is P in V make you think he's got solid potential as a sex partner, consider the following options:

1) Viagra - Getting a prescription for Viagra is like buying condoms for the first time. It freaks you out, then you buy them and the world doesn't explode so you have no problem doing it.

2) You mention getting each other off, so I presume that includes oral, handjobs, etc. and that he can cum from other methods. Refocus sex on those and have a blast.

3) This is for him to read: I know it sucks when your dick won't perform, but if this woman really wants the sensation of her pussy being filled then go buy a dildo (glass ones work well) and use that on her. She'll be getting filled and cumming, you'll be the one giving her orgasms, so that should provide a lot of satisfaction. But as an added bonus, this will get her lubed up by virtue of her lubrication or lube you put on the dildo so you can swap out the dildo with your cock without giving your dick time to deflate.

Hey, dicks are Tinkerbell is my line! Must credit!

More for FUCKME...

FUCKME, find someone that can FUCKYOU.

A kinkster prioritized sexual compatibility—which is IMPORTANT (ICYMI)—and it worked:

I appreciate that you have so many readers who are so determined to let you know that sex can possibly get better after marriage. But it's still a huge risk. Personally, I made up my mind a long time ago that no woman who can't accept my foot fetish, and the fact that it's an important part of my sexuality, will ever get an "I do" from me!

I absolutely, positively think that’s the right thing to do. But did it work out for you? Did you find a partner who embraced your kink? Here's hoping so. — Dan

Thank you very much for writing back. It's working out great for me!

For STD:

Hey STD, young romantic connections are so powerful, and yet often mismatched. It's confusing, and hard to move on from a first love. But it seems like the right thing to do. She probably will resist a lot and do some crawling back type stuff, since you fill a role for her. She wants a male partner but not a sex life. My advice is set some hard boundaries: it is okay for me to want a sex life, and I deserve a sex life, so either you let me have outside partners or we are finished. End of story. This is only if everything else is perfect. Also, the money thing is tough! It's easy enough to tell someone else to take on poverty, but some people don't come back from it, some end up homeless, etc. You need to have a plan. Dan is right that you should start saving now. And think about studying something practical if you don't have the luxury of support. It's tough out there. Anyway sorry it's a hard time for you, do what needs to be done, suck it up for a couple of years, and you'll be okay.

And:

I'm beginning to suspect that most people aren't including pics of their Labrador Retriever like I did when I wrote to Dan.

I don't like dogs. Or get them. I don't understand what the appeal is. So pictures of dogs don't bother me, but they're not terribly motivating either.

On PISS:

Your advice a few months to the guy (PISS) who was attending the piss parties hosted by the overbearing host was excellent. In my opinion, the finest advice you've ever given. "Start with constructive criticism, start your own party, he doesn't sound all that bad, could result in sincere friendship if you put the work in." (Sorry to paraphrase) That's great advice for anyone/anytime/any situation.

For WAT:

This is silly. Escorts and sex workers lay bare a principle of social psychology, that people respond to incentives. Yes, escorts respond to the incentive of their pay, but they can say no, and they're capable of making their own decisions. They don't have to be head-over-heels in love with either of you to play the role of a guest star. If they're willing, they're willing. That makes them a more viable option than nobody.

Yes, respect your husband's wishes, but your husband should be aware that sex workers are people with their own minds and feelings, and can make up their own minds about what it is they want out of the night.

Nobody is genuinely into you on night one. They're into something about you, but they are flatly incapable of being into the totality of you. If you want a guest star, ask for a guest star, don't demand a third you can both marry just to be with them for one date. Walk before you run.

A proposition:

I've been reading you since The Beginning, 1991. And I just wanted to send a brief note to say, 'Thanks!" I cannot count how many times you have made me laugh out loud. And then there are your responses to letters like HOMO last week, where your advice is so accurate, and true, and so beautifully Humane, that there's laughter behind the tears. In closing, I just want to give you the greatest compliment that I can think of: If I were gay, I would totally suck your dick.

And I would totally decline the offer—but nicely, as I totally appreciate the sentiment.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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