We are a very close family of five. I have one adult son, two daughters, and a husband. My son is 28, he came out a year ago and went through quite a year. He met a 20-year-old that has had quite a past. Within three months they were married, and my husband and I did our very best to accept all of this. My son's husband spent a lot of time with us, and I learned to care about him and helped them when they were short on money.

Some months later, they stopped by to inform us that they were breaking up. This took place after my son—who is very monogamous—contracted an STI from his spouse. That wasn't all: My son-in-law forged checks and moved in with an older man. This seemed to be a lesson for my son, and he said he would make better choices in the future. Then his spouse gets beaten up by the new man he's living with and comes crawling back to my son and like a fool my son takes him back.

I totally accepted my son being gay and suspected he was as a child. I felt as a good mother I should maybe go to him, but he wasn't ready. We love our son so much and it is killing us he that he went back with his spouse. I forgot to mention that his spouse was sending hundreds of e-mails to other men and may have been prostituting himself. I can't stop crying and maybe I need counseling to accept who my son is with.

My biggest worry—why I lay awake at night (which is when I listen to your podcasts)—is HIV. Do I talk to my son about it? I just know his spouse is still cheating on him. I guess that is common, and how do you avoid STIs? I am trying to enjoy my life but can't stop worrying for my son.

Mom Needs Help

My response to MNH—and hers to mine, and mine to hers—after the jump...

Yes, talk to your son about HIV. And urge your son to get on Truvada—do you know about Truvada? Does your son? It's a drug that provides extremely effective protection against HIV infection. The World Health Organization recommends that all sexually-active gay men go on Truvada. It won't protect your son against other STIs, WNH, but Truvada will protect your son against HIV infection—if he takes it and takes it correctly. (There is some evidence that Truvada prevents herpes infection too.)

And while HIV infection is a big deal, and while gay and bi men are at much greater risk (higher infection rates in both populations; anal sex is the most efficient mode of transmission), and while you're right to be concerned, HIV infection is no longer a death sentence—at least in the West. Again: You're absolutely right to be concerned, MNH, and you should definitely talk about HIV, prevention, and Truvada with your son. But you don't have to be in a panic about it. If he were to get infected with HIV today—provided he had access to treatment—your son's life expectancy would be normal.

You should also urge him to get a divorce. But you're gonna have to reconcile yourself to letting your son make his own mistakes and—hopefully—learn from those mistakes. Marrying at 28, marrying after being out for less than a year, and marrying the particular dude he married? Big mistakes. Taking that guy back after the drama, the other man, and the STI? Compounding mistakes. Hard to watch, no doubt, but what else can you do? You can't force him to get out of this marriage. You can only give him your best advice and then stand back and hope he comes to his senses at some point.—Dan

Thank you so much for answering me and for your helpful advice. I will listen to you and let this be his journey. He knows I will always be there for him. I will share the info about the Truvada meds with him.—MNH

One last thing: When people come out—whatever age they happen to come out at—they turn into 15-year-olds. If you come out at 15 or 16, it's not that big a deal, hardly noticeable. But when folks who come out at 26 or 46 suddenly start acting like idiotic, judgment-impaired teenagers—well, their antics can really alarm their friends and families. It's a steep learning curve, but usually a quick one. Your son's emotional age is likely to catch up to his chronological age soon. Here's hoping.—Dan

Wow! You are spot-on about coming out late and just looked up Truvada. I once again thank you for all your advice.—MNH