28 years old, female, 59, 263 lbs. Credit: Kelly O
28 years old, female, 59, 263 lbs.
  • Kelly O
  • 28 years old, female, 5’9″, 263 lbs.

This is my body (over there—see it?). I have lived in this body my whole life. I have wanted to change this body my whole life. I have never wanted anything as much as I have wanted a new body. I am aware every day that other people find my body disgusting. I always thought that some day—when I finally stop failing—I will become smaller, and when I become smaller literally everything will get better (I’ve heard It Gets Better)! My life can begin! I will get the clothes that I want, the job that I want, the love that I want. It will be great! Think how great it will be to buy some pants or whatever at J. Crew. Oh, man. Pants. Instead, my body stays the same.

There is not a fat person on earth who hasn’t lived this way. Clearly this is a TERRIBLE WAY TO EXIST. Also, strangely enough, it did not cause me to become thin. So I do not believe any of it anymore, because fuck it very much.

This is my body. It is MINE. I am not ashamed of it in any way. In fact, I love everything about it. Men find it attractive. Clothes look awesome on it. My brain rides around in it all day and comes up with funny jokes. Also, I don’t have to justify its awesomeness/attractiveness/healthiness/usefulness to anyone, because it is MINE. Not yours.

I’m not going to spend a bunch of time blogging about fat acceptance here (but please read this), because other writers have already done it much more eloquently, thoroughly, and radically than I ever could. But I do feel obligated to try to explain what this all means.

You asked me for links, Dan, so here are some links for you. There are plenty more, but if you want me to go through each one and explain to you how these words and implications hurt and shame people, you’re going to have to pay me overtime (in Doritos!!!!!). I get that you think you’re actually helping people and society by contributing to the fucking Alp of shame that crushes every fat person every day of their lives—the same shame that makes it a radical act for me to post a picture of my body and tell you how much it weighs. But you’re not helping. Shame doesn’t work. Diets don’t work. Shame is a tool of oppression, not change.

Fat people already are ashamed. It’s taken care of. No further manpower needed on the shame front, thx. I am not concerned with whether or not fat people can change their bodies through self-discipline and “choices.” Pretty much all of them have tried already. A couple of them have succeeded. Whatever. My question is, what if they try and try and try and still fail? What if they are still fat? What if they are fat forever? What do you do with them then? Do you really want millions of teenage girls to feel like they’re trapped in unsightly lard prisons that are ruining their lives, and on top of that it’s because of their own moral failure, and on top of that they are ruining America with the terribly expensive diabetes that they don’t even have yet? You know what’s shameful? A complete lack of empathy.

And if you really claim to still be confused—”Nu uh! I never said anything u guyz srsly!”—there can be no misunderstanding shit like this:

I am thoroughly annoyed at having my tame statements of fact—being heavy is a health risk; rolls of exposed flesh are unsightly—characterized as “hate speech.”

Ha!

1. “Rolls of exposed flesh are unsightly” is in no way a “tame statement of fact.” It is not a fact at all—it is an incredibly cruel, subjective opinion that reinforces destructive, paternalistic, oppressive beauty ideals. I am not unsightly. No one deserves to be told that they’re unsightly. But this is what’s behind this entire thing—it’s not about “health,” it’s about “eeeewwwww.” You think fat people are icky. Eeeewww, a fat person might touch you on a plane. With their fat! Eeeeewww! Coincidentally, that’s the same feeling that drives anti-gay bigots, no matter what excuses they drum up about “family values” and, yes, “health.” It’s all “eeeewwwww.” And sorry, I reject your eeeeeewwww.

2. You are not concerned about my health. Because if you were concerned about my health, you would also be concerned about my mental health, which has spent the past 28 years being slowly eroded by statements like the above. Also, you don’t know anything about my health. You do happen to be the boss of me, but you are not the doctor of me. You have no idea what I eat, how much I exercise, what my blood pressure is, or whether or not I’m going to get diabetes. Not that any of that matters, because it is entirely none of your business.

3. “But but but my insurance premiums!!!” Bullshit. You live in a society with other people. I don’t have kids, but I pay taxes that fund schools. The idea that we can somehow escape affecting each other is deeply conservative. Barbarous, even. Is that really what you’re going for? Good old-fashioned American individualism? Please.

4. But most importantly: I reject this entire framework. I don’t give a shit what causes anyone’s fatness. It’s irrelevant and it’s none of my business. I am not making excuses, because I have nothing to excuse. I reject the notion that thinness is the goal, that thin = better—that I am an unfinished thing and that my life can really start when I lose weight. That then I will be a real person and have finally succeeded as a woman. I am not going to waste another second of my life thinking about this. I don’t want to have another fucking conversation with another fucking woman about what she’s eating or not eating or regrets eating or pretends to not regret eating to mask the regret. OOPS I JUST YAWNED TO DEATH.

If you really want change to happen, if you really want to “help” fat people, you need to understand that shaming an already-shamed population is, well, shameful. Do you know what happened as soon as I rejected all this shit and fell in unconditional luuuuurve with my entire body? I started losing weight. Immediately. WELL LA DEE FUCKING DA.

Eds. note: Dan Savage’s response is over here.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

1,400 replies on “Hello, I Am Fat”

  5. @987 Yes, people think they are helping. My point was that their “help” is so incredibly off topic that their comments should be deleted. I get that people (men especially) go straight to “fixing” the problem when someone else expresses hurt. We really need to learn to hold back the “fix” and just listen. Be supportive. I will ask for your suggestions if I want them. If I tell you my rape survival story don’t explain to me at length about how to balance my checkbook. You are not helping no matter how relevant financial responsibility is to a good life.

    When a comment to a post demonstrates a total lack of comprehension then it is not worthy of being retained. The comment “no fat chicks” is more on topic than any anecdote of dieting success/failure. I disagree with the comment “no fat chicks” and find it appalling that someone reached the point in their life that they would post that. But it’s honestly on Lindy’s topic.

    Lindy knows she’s fat (see title of post). Lindy has heard of dieting and exercise before (she hasn’t lived her life under a rock). (not referring to you here Canuck): Go back, re-read the post, and search your soul for some shred of decency. Fat people are not “fair game.”

  6. @975 re: your point 1. Are you fucking kidding me?! The fact that you believe only one gender perpetuates body image stereotypes discounts anything else you have to say on the subject of weight.

  9. Lindy, please, is this a pity column? Do you think ‘fit’ people do not share in the similar generic sense of shame that are referring to? seems like you are just having trouble dealing with basic steps in life, albeit difficult ones, but basic emotions of inclusion and acceptance. We all share shame. Fat people, fit people, little people and tall people. Wish you would have not written this selfish piece.

  12. Maybe, the response that matters was expressed directly to Lindy? I don’t know. But, I’d like to hope that his previously stated affection and respect for Lindy means that they have spoken, her feelings have been addressed, and they have made peace.

  13. Loved it! You made some brilliant points. Don’t mind the negative comments – there’s always gonna be people out there who just don’t get it! If more people speak out about this, they might catch on eventually!

  16. Am I the only one who hears Maggie Gallagher’s voice when I read Dan’s “response”? It’s the typical “(insert group here) can do whatever they want and don’t deserve to be mocked or discriminated against or poked with sticks. But the rest of us don’t have to accept their lifestyle/behavior/choices.”

  18. It’s a fine waste of time, gus. Personally, I would like a shower, blow dry, and make-up app, so that I wouldn’t have to waste time on hygiene and could, instead, keep refreshing this thread every 5 minutes…

  20. Maybe, just maybe, Dan’s closing of comments on his response is meant to keep generating comments on this thread, thus to help ensure it remains the record holding thread for a long, long time. But it was a very weak response. VERY weak.

  23. Goddamn it, Dan! This is America. We expect for you to debase yourself now, or didn’t you get the memo? You can always turn immediately around afterward, pull a David Vitter, and say it’s all forgiven because you’ve found the Lord and/or checked into alcohol rehab.

  24. Good Lord. Lindy puts ’em on the table and calls her boss out, at no small risk to her job, creates an amazing dialogue on a complicated topic, and the only response he can come up with is basically ; “Oh well, I already answered this, so I don’t have to say anything new. Plus, no comments! *Runs off to hide in office with the door closed*”

    – A million respect points for Dan Savage.

    + Five billion respect points for Lindy.

  27. I think all the anger and hostility on this blog towards Dan should really be directed at society and at people’s own feelings about themselves. Society shames you (that is the first wrong), you feel the shame (that is the second, and the only one you have control over). If there was no basis behind the millions of studies on obesity, than you could do your own studies that show just how healthy and wonderful the US is.

    I have a disease that I did not choose, and it makes it unpleasant to be around me sometimes. It also increases my risk of various cancers and other health risks IF I DON’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I don’t always win that battle, but it is my battle to fight, not the people who think explosive diarrhea is gross, not the people who love me and want me to live the longest healthiest life possible. People should not assume things about you based on your appearance, but you should not give up just because it is hard. You will regret it down the road.

  29. You’re fat. Big fucking deal. I’m glad you love yourself, that’s wonderful and a lot of people haven’t gotten to that point in their lives. However, being fat *IS* harmful to your health. There is *no* way around that. It is *not* healthy. Sure, being too skinny is also bad for your health but that doesn’t make being fat *healthy*. Do I think you should be shamed? Of course not. Do I think you should be taunted and harassed? No, there is no excuse for rudeness. Do I believe you should allowed to live in some sort of privileged wonderland where we can’t say things like “Being overweight it demonstrably unhealthy” because it might hurt your feelings? Hell no!

    As for the rolls of exposed flesh being unattractive thing? I personally don’t find them attractive but some people do. So Dan did screw up by presenting opinion as fact and he should be taken to task for that. He was speaking the truth when he said being fat is unhealthy. You may not like to hear that but it is the truth.

    Sure, there are always going to be those examples of fat people who are perfectly healthy and live a long and trouble free life. They tend to be the exception though and their exceptional existence doesn’t change the reality for the vast majority of fat people.

  30. I think all the anger and hostility on this blog towards Dan should really be directed at society and at people’s own feelings about themselves. Society shames you (that is the first wrong), you feel the shame (that is the second, and the only one you have control over). If there was no basis behind the millions of studies on obesity, than you could do your own studies that show just how healthy and wonderful the US is.

    You can either accept that you are fat and leave it at that, OR you can accept you are fat and that means you will have to work that much harder than everyone else to be healthy. Just like a kid with dyslexia accepts that they are not stupid, they just have to work that much harder to prove they are not. Or a person with multiple sclerosis has to accept that they have a life-long disease and they will have to work that much harder to have the “normal” life everyone else takes for granted.

    And Dan probably didn’t allow comments because he doesn’t want to steal Lindy’s thunder. Slog record in the making!

  31. Mitten @ 1003 I get the feeling you are a basically kind person. It’s your reading comprehension I have concerns about. Did you really read Lindy’s post or did you just want in on this big ole comment party? Maybe go read 865 and see if that helps you understand that the actual matter of fat or health are secondary to how ridiculously wrong it can be to assume from a passing glance anything important about another person and how monstrously wrongheaded it is to demand other people contort themselves to your sensitivities. I hope we can all work on are biases so we can be more kind to each other even when we don’t like what others do with their lives.

  32. I have no problem with Lindy’s body. I’ve always thought bigger women were hot, and she is no exception. It’s her persona and awful writing that I find offensive.

  34. I’m skimming the comment thread, and I’m not really impressed. For the record, I don’t HATE fat people, but as part of my growing maturity I recognize there are plenty of people that love and admire fat people, even though I’m not one of them. I have a few fat friends here and there, and I don’t care. They also happen to be dating more than I, and totally applaud them and support them. So long their is a mutual understanding that sex is not part of the friendship, everything is hunky dory.

    There is more to dating than just being attractive physically. There is chemistry, logistics, time, money, and comparable values and agenda. I would be more impressed if people focused on THAT than their weight.

    Do I feel that fat is less healthy, less attractive etc. etc. Well, yes, and I refuse to be shamed into feeling what I am and am not attracted to. That said, it’s not my place or my job to be shamed into loving someone who just doesn’t do it for me. And apparently, in many cases. I don’t have to, there are other people willing to pick up the slack that I apparently don’t have the “maturity” to accept.

    I actually like Lindy’s article. It is fun and witty, but I think she misses the point with respect to Dan. I’m not sure there is an answer that would be satisfying to so many of you besides a full on apology AND a night of sweet passionate love with Dan Savage. Is it not enough to say, you have the right to be whatever size you want to be. It is not enough to be accepted for who you are. It is not enough to be applauded for coming to terms with yourself and having a happy and fulfilling life?

    Or is it about sweet gay love with Dan Savage? Tell us, is this what you want to hear? Because I am not sure what the correct response is.

  36. Douchelord, your are indeed a douche. And Andy, you’re an asshole, too. I am an “over”weight woman, and my husband finds me to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Guess what? I’m also “over”weight when I work out and watch every single calorie that goes into my mouth. So I don’t need other people doing it for me, too. Yes, being overweight can negatively affect your health. So can smoking. So can drinking. So can stress and working too much. But do we, as a culture, judge people the same way for these decisions? No. In fact, in the U.S., we applaud those who are willing to go the extra mile and put in a 50+ hour work week. And much of the images in our media glorify the “nightlife.” “Gotta little Captain in you?” F*ck that s*it. I’m tired of the hypocritical messages in our culture. And if I want a piece of chocolate cake, and decide to sit my ass down in front of the television and relax instead of busting my ass at the gym after spending my entire day educating our nation’s youth, I’m reaching for it with gusto. Sorry if you don’t like looking at my glorious curves, because I like them, and so does my husband. End of story. Deal with it.

  38. Swinging by to say hi to Gus and Canuck and Kim and wish them a happy Valentine’s Day!
    @865 etc: Hydroza you rock!
    @966: Riz, you are, and always will be awesome.
    I must also add that I am disappointed in Dan for not allowing comments on his post this morning.

  39. @ 1040 A potential correct response is:

    “Although I feel that being overweight is unhealthy, & that we as a nation have an obesity epidemic; & I reserve the right to find whoever I want to attractive, & that doesn’t include fat people, I recognize that overweight folks are people too, & deserve to be spoken to as respectfully as I would address any other group of human beings. Also, I don’t happen to know the cause of anyone else’s body shape, whether fat or not, so unless asked, I’m gonna keep my snap judgments to myself. ’cause the body of someone I don’t know is NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS.”

    “Also, when expressing my concerns over obesity in the U.S.A., I’m gonna do my best to keep my loathing in check, so whatever good & factual I have to say doesn’t get lost in the shittiness of my disgust.”

    Or something like that.

  40. @littlesparrow7 (984)

    You seem to equate obesity and overeating. However, those two things are not the same: One is a physical and the other is a behavior, and while overeating certainly can contribute to obesity it is not the only factor. Plus, even if someone got fat by overeating their current weight does not give you any how they it at any given in time, or how they have been eating in the last weeks, even months. Also, for some of us fatties not trying to lose weight anymore means giving up a self-destructive behavior. I will go into more detail concerning this fatty’s history. Maybe that will make you understand a bit better… sorry, this is going to be long.

    I have been fat as long as I can think. When I look childhood photos now, I am actually amazed that I do not look “that” fat, but I still was fat enough from a very early age on to make my pediatrician tell my parents that they needed to watch my food intake. And watch they did. I have lovely parents, but the fact that they constantly made me second-guess my body’s internal hunger and fullness signals (“Do you really want to eat this? Think about it. Are you REALLY hungry?”) combined with my teachers’ well-intended but sometimes cruel remarks (“If you don’t lose weight you will never get a boyfriend”) and the taunting and bullying of other kids significantly contributed to me developing maladaptive behaviors around food (such as getting up from the table before I was satisfied and then sneaking and later buying food secretly some time later, crying and feeling terribly ashamed while eating it, and later hiding the empty packaging in a desk drawer or a corner of my wardrobe because I was scared that my mum would see them if I threw them into the trash bin). Also, I started to hate my body and the constant message that my body was “broken” made me more reluctant to engage in physical activities that I actually enjoyed such as dancing and swimming. As a fat girl, I couldn’t be any good at dancing, after all, everyone knew that, including me, and while I was a good swimmer going to the pool was basically equally to asking others to bully me and call me names. When I was 11 or 12 I had developed full blown binge eating disorder.

    I do not think people who comment on the “addictive nature of food” or on how there is a need to stigmatized overeating understand how much shame there is in binge eating already and how that shame contributes to the disorder. You feel bad about something, you have the urge to binge (often because under stress your self-control around food breaks down, something that has been shown again and again to be true for restricted eaters), at some point you give in, and even while you are eating you start calling yourself names in you head. This makes you feel terrible, and that in turn often contributes to the next binge. In addition to that, weeks or months of binge eating alternated with weeks or months of “successful” dieting in my case. I have fasted, dieted, and followed weight-loss programs supervised by doctors: I have done it all. And I always was “successful”, i.e., I always lost weight in the short term – lots of weight. In fact, I was called a “paragon” several times because I always, always stuck to my diet without cheating, eating less than I was “allowed” to eat, exercising more than I was asked to, several times losing up to 30 or 40 kg – until I just couldn’t keep it up any longer and started to regain. Lots of people will say that I would have needed to stick to the respective program for the rest of my life. And indeed, in order to keep the weight down I would have had to do just that. But here is the thing: Those weight-loss efforts had always a price. They came at the price of being constantly hungry and obsessed with food, and that obsession got only stronger the longer I kept up the respective diet. They came at the price at having less energy to do other things in my life. They came at the price of losing hair and once also my period (and it only returned several months after I had started to regain weight – and please note that even at my lowest weight since puberty I was still officially “overweight” bordering on “obese”).
    Today I am a 31-year old “morbidly obese” woman. I try to engage in physical movement that is fun for me – something that isn’t easy, because believe me, going to a dancing class when you are fat or doing aqua fitness requires a lot of courage and on some days I do not have that courage, exactly because I am well aware that people find my body, my “obesity” disgusting. And I have recently given up dieting (and I define dieting as any conscious restriction of food intake). This isn’t the easy way out. In fact, this is incredibly hard. I have always, always craved social acceptance to a far higher degree than it is healthy – and I know that my fatness stands in the way of being totally accepted by others. Even today, every single comment from others how I “should” lose weight, how my weight is unhealthy, every implication that my body is broken, every disgusted look throws me back into a spin of eating disordered thoughts and not letting turn those thoughts into eating disordered behaviors – both, fasting or bingeing – requires more self-regulation and will power than people can imagine. Yes, my weight is a risk factor for certain diseases. But I believe (and that opinion is based on months and years of research and hard thinking) that continuing the cycle and not accepting my body as it is right now is a far greater threat for my mental and physical health.

    You say you do not judge fat people but at the same time you say obesity is disgusting. You equate obesity with overeating and food addiction. I do not doubt that you mean well – but please, if you really want to have a positive influence on fat people’s health than listen to them, listen to their experiences. Create safe spaces for us to exercise. Encourage us and everyone else to cook, to truly enjoy food, to listen to our internal hunger and fullness cues. But also rethink what you are implying when you say obesity is disgusting. You cannot separate a person’s fat from the rest of their body.

  42. What would be the point of having comments allowed on Dan’s post? Isn’t it obvious that

    1) if you agree with Lindy you are just going to dump on Dan

    or

    2) you are a fat hater and since Dan has posted his disagreement (you can believe it or not) with you, why on earth would he want to hear support from you?

  44. Eva, I was always under the impression that Dan was kind of a passively loathing individual, especially now that he has been doing this for so many years. I used to get a kick out of his gay bathhouse bashing. Some of the advice he gives to teenagers and young adults, with the whole get over yourself and move on with your lives while painfully trying to sugar coat, makes me titter.

    Not to mention pitbulls

    Now Dan gets to try even more EXTRA hard to inflate the verbiage around his feelings of something else he doesn’t like.

  46. Lissa @1044 (Bet that’s the only time I’ll get to write *that* on Slog…)
    Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too! Glad to see wittle bunnies have trumped rabid snow cats…spring must be coming to the Pacific Northwest… xxoo

  48. This thread has no excuse for being this fat. I don’t care if it’s a controversial topic, which of course can’t be changed. That’s not enough to make this thread fat. The real reason is that a bunch of people chose to post in it. If so many people are going to post this much in the thread, it’s the thread’s own fault when it can’t fit into its old bandwidth anymore.

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