This question comes from a
point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my
being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m
actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with
prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain
an erection during intercourse. I’ve climaxed during oral sex or
handjobs. I’m not physically accustomed to getting off with anything
but my hand. Worst of all, the intense fear of impotence has caused me
to avoid sexual liaisons. When dating, I feel threatened by the
expectation of sex within the first few dates. Any solid advice?

Sick Of Beatin’

Join a gym and lose some weight. You’ll gain
some confidence and improve your health—and your
circulation—which could help in the keeping-the-dick-hard
department. (I’m not telling you that you have to transform yourself
into a muscle god to be happy or find love.) Seeing a doctor and
getting your hands on some Viagra couldn’t hurt, either. Vary your
masturbatory technique.

Stop sleeping with women unless you’re
attracted to them on some level, and recognize that holding the
women who will sleep with you in contempt is an expression of
self-hatred and knock it the fuck off. Since sex within the first few
dates makes you feel anxious, inform anyone you date that you’re not up
for having sex within the first few dates. And the next time you find
yourself in bed with someone or sense that things are headed there,
SOB, tell her that you’re really only interested in oral and mutual
masturbation—at least at first—and that you generally take
a long time to come. Then you don’t have to stress out about failing to
meet her expectations, because she won’t be expecting anything other
than what you’re capable of delivering.

Finally, there are sex workers out there who
will not only get you off in exchange for your money, SOB, but will
work with you on improving your skills and building up your confidence.
You may have slept with one already without realizing it because you so
resented having to pay for it that you dismissed her as a cheap whore
to protect your ego. Dumb mistake.

I’m a heterosexual male. I’ve
never been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never been in a short-term
relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship. Four make-out sessions
in my youth and paid sex with cheap street prostitutes is all the
physical intimacy I’ve ever known. And sometime before the end of this
year, I’ll be turning 45.

I have no explanation for how I fucked up
something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best
clues: (1) Deep down, I don’t think I’ve ever really believed women
could possibly find me attractive. (2) For me, being rejected and/or
humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear. (3)
My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than
my romantic/sexual situation: I’m always either barely getting by or in
some crisis where staying non-homeless is my only priority.

I want to understand what the fuck is wrong
with me and why I’m staring at a lifetime of totally unfulfilled
romantic and sexual hopes and dreams. The last thing I need right now
is some Pollyanna bullshit. I want brutal honesty.

A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations

Some people are alone all their lives
because they’re too damaged or too terrified or too terrifying, ALONE,
and some people are alone all their lives because they are simply, as
the cliché goes, unlucky in love. It sounds like you suffer from
social and sexual anxieties—damaged and terrified—and could benefit from seeing a shrink. You say you’re
barely getting by, ALONE, but if you’re spending money on cigarettes or
booze or pot or all three, well, you might want to prioritize your
mental health over those nonessentials.

Now here’s the usual line of Pollyanna crap
that we advice professionals are supposed to squart out for people like
you: There’s someone out there for everyone, kiddo, hang in there! But
that’s a lie, ALONE, and you know it and I know it and everyone who’s
ever said that knows it. If it were true, then… no one would be
alone all their life. Unfortunately, I can’t just tell you to
accept that you’re going to be alone all your life because we can’t
know for sure that you were one of those people—one of those
people destined to be alone all his life—until your
life ends. So here’s what you need to do between now and death:
Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with
your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do
things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet
someone along the way. Or not.

And finally, ALONE, if the only intimacy
available to you is paid sex with cheap street prostitutes—or, as
they prefer to be called, “conveniently located and economically priced
sex workers”—that’s better than nothing. Remember: Sex workers
are part of the solution for you, if not an entirely satisfactory
solution, so have a little gratitude and treat them with respect.

I’m a 60-year-old white male,
securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice
home that’s paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There’s just one
catch: I’m still a virgin.

Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to
which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially.
Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further
behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my
career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I
decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human
being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the
past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a
family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible
way to salvage something from this mess?

Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On

You’ve got a big advantage over ALONE,
STPIWTGO, in that you’re financially secure. That’s something that many
women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success
objects, blah blah blah—and you could leverage your professional
success to your personal advantage. You wouldn’t be the first man who
was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money
through a relationship, wouldn’t have to admit to “paying for sex.” So,
STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where
single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice
car?

But first: See a doctor. Reading your
letter, I wondered if you don’t suffer from an undiagnosed case of
mild-to-moderate autism. There’s no cure, but a diagnosis might make
you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a
better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal
and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know
you’re opposed to “paying for it”—no conveniently located and
economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want
to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate.
Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.

mail@savagelove.net

222 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. token grl …

    I guess … for some reason i feel for you, and I just want to take the anxiety away.

    If I said that if it sucks the first time, there is always round 2, and I can say if the first guy was a total douche, there is always the second. It doesn’t have to be weighted on that one particular moment. If your first moment is something magical. Awesome! Congratulations, you are perhaps one of the minority gifted people they write evening dramas about ….

    but if it’s not, big fricken whoop. You have the rest of your life to create romantic memories, and I’m willing to bet that the best romantic memmories for the vast majority of people are NOT from the time they lost their virginity.

    It’s going to be ok.

  5. After reading all the comments, I went back and re-read the original letters. None of these guys want a girlfriend or wife. They’re not bemoaning the lack of a life partner. They just want to be sexually desirable and get laid a lot without having to work for it.

    Either get therapy for your issues or start treating your conveniently located sex worker with more respect. You don’t have to send her flowers for Valentine’s Day and she’ll go away as soon as you want to play World of Warcraft for 15 hours.

  9. @Chaya 760:

    Your posts really broke my heart. I don’t fully know the circumstances of your personal situation, but please be comforted in that you are not alone. There is help available, especially if you live in an urban environment. I was once feeling like you are now.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. @99: nickyyyyyyy:

    And will YOU be as open-minded about finding women who aren’t–GASP!—totally buff hottie when YOU turn 47?

    If you aren’t, then what the fuck’s wrong with your picture?

  17. @89 — choosing to be celibate is much different than feeling it is foist upon you. Choosing celibacy is empowering. Thinking you are a loser is clearly unempowering.

    I’m glad Dan gave advice and not belittlement. Years ago, I remember sitting a table with a group of friends when the conversation turned to what to do with those annoying people who come onto you, but you don’t want to be near them. I was inwardly embarrased to realized this had NEVER happened to me like it had with everyone else there.

    Up to that point since I hadn’t been the Rejector (only the Rejectee) before, I hadn’t considered what the Rejector might be thinking. It sounds naive, but I suddenly realized that some people have it much easier than others from the very beginning (looks, charisma, charm) —— and that would not be me.

    I’m in my fifties now and still haven’t had the opportunity to figure out what to do with a suitor who doesn’t interest me. Some people are “lucky” that way. Some of us just never get an invitation to the party, and so watch from the outside wondering how to get in…..

  18. @70 You are wrong: People with AS are not necessarily skilled at mathematics, no more so than the general population. Asperger’s is characterised by impairment in social interaction, restricted and repetitive behaviours and interests and no delay in language development. Skilled at maths is most definitely not part of the diagnostic criteria and I find it bothersome that people always assume this as it is not true. I would say those with AS are as diverse as neurotypicals but like neurotypicals have a few features that they have in common.

    @20 Yes, not all people with Asperger’s have bad sex lives (I have AS and my sex life is awesome ;)) but many do because of the social interaction problems and difficulty in communication. It is possible to overcome this to some degree so good advice to read up on literature about how to relate in relationships.

    Overall, not everyone who has social difficulties has AS (though everyone who has AS has social impairment to some degree, it is one of its defining features) but if one is having a lot of trouble relating to others, it is worth this being investigated as you can be advised on how to relate better to others if you want. Most people find it easy to relate to others so if it is a struggle it is worth getting support from a professional if you do want to be in a relationship.

  23. Dan, thanks for pointing out that men who denigrate the women who are kind enough to sleep with them are demonstrating their own self-hatred.

  24. re: SOB and anyone else for whom the shoe fits—

    Everybody needs to get over the idea that if you’re overweight, you’re ugly and no one will want you. Trust me: I’ve always been overweight, but I’ve dated a lot, had two marriages (one of 8 years, one of 16 and counting), and (not proud of it) a couple of affairs. The people I’ve been with have all been great, intelligent, successful, attractive folks, not freaky losers, so it’s not as if I ever had to settle.

    If you believe in yourself and carry yourself confidently, your weight isn’t a deal breaker. Work on feeling better about yourself, regardless of your appearance: You’re a lot more than a clothing size. Exercise and a good diet can’t hurt, in any case, but it’s secondary to your belief in your worth. You’re no better than anyone else, but you’re no worse, either.

    However, you, too, are going to have to be open to the worth of other people beyond their appearance. Presumably if you give yourself some credit, you’ll be less likely to run down any woman who would be with you (see Groucho’s self-deprecating joke about the country club); badly put, you have to love yourself in order to want someone who wants you.

    Best of luck, all of you guys.

  25. re: SOB and anyone else for whom the shoe fits—

    Everybody needs to get over the idea that if you’re overweight, you’re ugly and no one will want you. Trust me: I’ve always been overweight, but I’ve dated a lot, had two marriages (one of 8 years, one of 16 and counting), and (not proud of it) a couple of affairs. The people I’ve been with have all been great, intelligent, successful, attractive folks, not freaky losers, so it’s not as if I ever had to settle.

    If you believe in yourself and carry yourself confidently, your weight isn’t a deal breaker. Work on feeling better about yourself, regardless of your appearance: You’re a lot more than a clothing size. Exercise and a good diet can’t hurt, in any case, but it’s secondary to your belief in your worth. You’re no better than anyone else, but you’re no worse, either.

    However, you, too, are going to have to be open to the worth of other people beyond their appearance. Presumably if you give yourself some credit, you’ll be less likely to run down any woman who would be with you (see Groucho’s self-deprecating joke about the country club); badly put, you have to love yourself in order to want someone who wants you.

    Best of luck, all of you guys.

  26. Let’s drop the bullshit.

    It doesn’t matter if you love yourself, or if you are the person you want to be as it should be abundantly obvious that many people who hate themselves and aren’t what they want to be are still in a relationship. Coincidentally, many of these people are quite hot, kinky, have low standards or all three items.

    Liking yourself will help to maintain a relationship – it won’t necessarily set one up.

    Finding a relationship is a result of 1) Being attractive enough – this doesn’t mean ‘very attractive’ it means ‘not ugly enough to horrify people’ 2) Being realistic about what you’ll accept 3) Having hobbies and topics of conversation that are interesting to a sufficiently large number of partners 4) Giving the impression of being good at sex 5) Looking for people, preferably in real life, again, and again, and again. 6) Pandering to whatever bullshit standards your partner has from clothes, through to appearance, through to crap fashionable talk, their double standards as to how you should pander to their whims and realising you probably have some of those bullshit standards yourself..

    The most important of these items is 5). Next up is 4). Then 1). Then 4) again. A bit of 6) then 4) again, then 6) again, then 3). If you’re seen to be a good catch, more people will perceive you as a good catch.

    4) can be dealt with by sex with people you like enough or sex workers. Once you can manage to give people a good fucking they’re more likely to stay around – regardless that people say it doesn’t matter – it does. Some people will stick around and try a couple of times. Most won’t.

    Once you achieve The Task of Good Fucking, you are officially noted as ‘really funny’ or ‘interesting’, a good cook, or whatever it takes to obscure the fact the main reason is that you’re a good fuck with enough social and relationship skills not to drive the other person mad.

    Of course, I do somewhat agree with the point of one of the posters above that the writers aren’t trying hard enough. It’s true that there is a difference between not trying hard enough at dating, and not trying hard enough at life. The later will bring you fulfilment but perhaps not complete happiness, the former (if you find someone) will bring you happiness but not fulfilment. If you have time to be lonely or frustrated a sizeable proportion of the time, you are not doing enough with life, full stop.

    Also note that ‘confidence’ is a misnomer. What it usually actually means is ‘sexual dominance’ and ‘attitude’. People are looking for someone that makes them feel a certain way, either by pushing their sexual buttons or their mind. It’s very possible to be confident, but not to meet the bullshit ‘confident’ standard which means ‘I saw them and they stood out from everyone else in terms of pushing my buttons’ or ‘they approach life in a specific way’. It absolutely doesn’t mean they can handle any new situation that’s thrown at them with aplomb, are good in adversity and genuinely are comfortable in themselves. That’s genuine confidence, and it isn’t what partners are looking for until very late in a relationship.

  27. Learn to knit (or weave). Really! Women will fall all over you because of the novelty of having a man in the knitting store (don’t be a jerk). And you will have a sweater at the end of it. I am a single woman who would dearly love to find someone who shares my interests…

  28. One minor thought in relation to the first letter: he states he’s “generally unable to attract women I’m actually interested in”, which he attributes at least partially to being overweight. I can’t help but wonder how high he’s set his standards, and if they’re realistic in any way. I don’t know that this is the case here, but my big pet peeve is people who set their standards for dating far above their standards for maintaining themselves. There are exceptions, but people generally tend to be attracted to people within a few degrees of their own attractiveness. Sure, there are plenty of factors that determine whether the couple actually stays together, but a smart person does an honest self-assessment and scales their expectations accordingly. And how can you blame/curse attractive people for not dating you, when you’re only attracted to them for their outward appearance? Are you any less shallow than they are? Maybe the moderately attractive barista with the extra 30 pounds is your soulmate, but how are you gonna know if you never even talk to her?

  29. Wow. This is the saddest column I’ve read. 1) Therapy is the easy answer, but the best advice is for them to get out of their hole! Fellas: GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. Travel. See stuff. Get out of your head. Even the dude just getting by – catch the bus over to Mexico. You just may actually feel excitement for once (and meet somebody too).

  30. Everyone has something to say this week! I’m a therapist and I’d like to weight in, too. All three of the above sound as if they would benefit from therapy that focused on self-esteem, realistic expectations and practical problem solving. By realistic expectations, I mean understanding that not every woman expects you to be a sexual superstar, that virginity is not a defect or a curse but a neutral condition, and that a kind, mutual, honest friendship is the basis of most happy romantic relationships. Why wouldn’t a woman who liked you be moved by your honesty about your situation? But most of all, it’s a matter of self-esteem; it’s so much easier to approach someone and be a friend if you know what you have to offer. Feeling worthless is a huge handicap. What is more, if you have been down, one thing you have to offer is an understanding of what that is like. You can let your situation enlarge your compassion for others.

  31. “@99: nickyyyyyyy:

    And will YOU be as open-minded about finding women who aren’t–GASP!—totally buff hottie when YOU turn 47?

    If you aren’t, then what the fuck’s wrong with your picture?”

    Are you fucking kidding? I’m a moderately attractive fat girl in her mid twenties who LOVES fat guys up to age 30. My standards are exactly normal according to the “within a few degrees of yourself” benchmark. I don’t harbor any illusions that I would have anything in common with a Fabio, nor would I expect one to find me attractive.

    durrrrrrrrrrrr

  32. I’m surprised that in all these comments, no one, not even Dan, has suggested a simple solution: these guys need to focus on making friends. Platonic friends. Female friends, male friends, any kind of friends. It sounds like all three of these guys are socially isolated.

    Being able to make new friends is the best way to meet new people who might become more than friends, or might introduce you to someone who can be more than a friend.

    Being able to maintain platonic friendships will help you develop emotional intimacy.

    Having close platonic friendships with women will teach you to respect women, to understand women, to not fear women, and to understand that women are NOT just potential sex partners.

    Not that it’s necessarily easy to make new friends. But that’s where you should start.

  33. @chaya

    Your letter moved me and I am so sorry that you cannot see a way out. My brother was in a similar position (it sounds awful that we were unaware but he had estranged himself from us) and he did take his life. At his funeral service so many people were devestated and if they had known what he was feeling would have helped. You may be unaware that there are people in your life who care for you. I do not wish to sound pithy or patronizing but could I suggest that you get yourself a pet (ideally a dog from a shelter) and have something in your life that cares for you and that you can care fpr. Years before I met my partner he was a very lonely man and he got himself a dog and this wonderful dog helped him through this lonely phase. Please, please, please try again to connect with life before taking it. Are your parents still alive, do you have any siblings? If so please connect with them for your sake and for theirs.

  34. I’m a woman. A neighbor of mine was 37 and had never had sex except with prostitutes. He went online and in the last year has had two relationships. The current one has lasted about six months and is going strong. There are free sites like plentyoffish.com

    And dancing is the best suggestion I’ve read. I picked up my current boyfriend because I saw him dancing. I went up to him and said (and this is true!) “A man who’ll dance is worth 10 who won’t, and one who likes to dance is worth 20” and I didn’t say “good at it” because that isn’t nearly as important as enjoying dancing. You can take free lessons at a lot of places, look it up online.

    Take a few lessons and then go online and say you love to dance. You’ll be fighting women off with a stick!

  35. So, for those of us who are involuntarily celibate not because of self-esteem issues (I am married to a woman who is mentally ill in a way that has destroyed her desire for sex, and I don’t want to leave her because (a) I like her, (b) she is a good mother to our son but needs my support, and (c) I can’t really afford to), how precisely does one go about finding a professional to provide the sort of companionship that I’ve been missing for the last 20 months?

  36. @forlornpanda – it will be a matter of trial and error. You could find working girls who do the “GFE” Girlfriend Experience (companionship and sex) online, in newspapers or through brothels. But you may have to try a few before you find someone you like. Generally the more you pay the better quality you’ll find – but you don’t have to think you need a $1000 an hour girl. Just a mid range, college educated, friendly gal would probably fill the need.

  37. This guy giving advice is way off. He thinks he is being amusing by being real but in reality he is depressing to read. Give other advice besides going to a shrink say something useful, they are asking you for advice not a shrink. Tell them to try meeting woman on the internet and be in touch with the times. Tell them to connect with woman and it is not about money or looks but that woman can be attracted through a deeper connection. what kind of idiot columnist rights women are sex objects and men are success objects who is this guy writing about, this is the brilliant columnist reducing everything to common stereotypes and cliches

  38. Thanks former tri-state – I really appreciate the comments and encouragement. It’s the kind of nudge I need to get out there.

  39. @chaya:

    I send hugs too. I’m so sorry to hear you feel the way you do. It’s a cliche to say you’re not alone, but of course it’s a cliche for a reason: because it’s true. Try looking at it this way: so many people on this page alone care enough to offer you support and encouragement; surely there’s love and support to be found offline too. Sometimes the world seems colder than it really is.

    Before you follow through with your plan, can you try a few things? First, see a doctor. Depression is a chemical problem; sometimes there’s a chemical solution. If not, they may recommend a counselor. I once read that “the cruelest trick in depression’s arsenal is the illusion that it will never end.” Yours may be beatable. You’ve got nothing to lose in trying everything available before making an irreversible choice.

    Second, is there anything you love to do? Any hobbies or interests in your life; perhaps ones you’d given up on long ago? Take one or two up again. Not because a hobby will make life worthwhile, but because one of the best cures for loneliness is to find people who share your likes and interests. If you’re lonely, go out and do what you love; you’ll find others who love it too, and soon you’ll be making connections.

    Third, is there someone in your life you can connect with and really lay out your feelings to? You might be surprised how many people will share your burdens if you really open up. Even people from whom you wouldn’t expect it.

    I’ll be praying for you.

  40. It would be wonderful to meet a man with no prior relationships. I hate thinking I’m being compared to a past love or sex partner. Despite my insecurities and jealousies, I’ve had scores of partners. My experience and innate compassion would ensure a fantastic sex life. Hopefully I will meet someone to make me feel like the most loved person in his life.

  41. The dancing advice is great. As a socially inept gay guy who moved to Seattle in the late 80’s, I was spinning my wheels until a friend introduced me to The Timberline and their free dance lessons.

    There were several benefits:
    1. Exercise. It’s healthy and can help with depression.
    2. It forced me to interact at least a little bit with other people. This was painful for me (and the people I was trying to socialize with), but simply showing up a lot meant the other regulars would at least smile and say hi. And as I relaxed and got more comfortable being around people, my social skills began to improve and I actually began to enjoy being around people more.
    3. It really helped my physical coordination. At first there were a lot of dance partners with badly smashed toes, but they were forgiving and after a couple of months I could circle the dance floor without doing major damage to others. At the same time, I found myself becoming more physically adept and carried myself with some confidence for the first time in my life — and other people noticed.

    In addition to dancing, another thing that helped was volunteering for non-profit organizations and political campaigns. Again, these activities forced me to interact with others and practice those pesky social skills, even if it was only while sitting at a table labeling envelopes. Anything to get you out of your own head and connecting with others will help.

    Oh yeah, and I did about five years of therapy to deal with all the fucked up shit from my past including physical and sexual abuse. I started with one-on-one, then moved to a group. Put all of this together and 15 years later my life is pretty good. Good luck to you.

  42. @122 thank you for your contribution in making this world a better place.
    @133, I am deeply sorry for your brother but you know the first signs are there: the estrangement, I got estranged voluntarily of my family, they know of my predicament and in which dire psychological situation i am, i just guess they are extremely uncomfortable in dealing with that kind of situation and they expect me to be strong as i have been known as the resilient person in my entourage, my brother thinks it is a midlife crisis and my father relies on me as his care giver, my mother died last year in my arms after 12 years of strugggle against altzheimer’s.. Her passing away left me empty and emotionally drained and aimless. I have thought of a pet, but it will a last resort solution.
    @139 I am battling depression since 2006, when i started the medication i do not know how many times i refrain myself of jumping under the subway line, change of medication did not help either because of some nasty side effect of said medication. I have hobbies such as reading and movies and zI used to like travel a lot but the mere thought of being alone erases any pleasure, i would like to “fight” on Goya vs El Greco or Picasso vs Dali. As for relatives see my preceding remarks .
    I try to find solace and comfort in religion, I know Dan will cringe at this but ……….I do not think that any god likes to watch one of his creatures suffering, doesn’t he??????
    For me it is like i am drowning and and i can’t get hold of a life saving device… but what I want is fairly easy a reason to hope a reason to live and God i am not asking for much… am I not?

  43. Do I sense a theme here, of resentment towards women in general? I hate to say “lower,” but it might help to “lower” the standards in the looks department, as long as they don’t use it against women. It’s a self-hating thing. I know–women do it too.

  44. With respect I did suggest that the important thing was to look at improving your life : which includes friends.

    It’s not a route to relationships though, unless they can introduce you to plenty of people and aren’t an active hindrance to your dating.

    My friends are good friends, but uniformly useless at helping me find a partner. In my experience, if friendship doesn’t turn into sex rapidly, it’s never going to develop into a relationship.

    In general people tell you what works for them, and it’s up to you to figure out if it might work for you too. Often it won’t as you are different people and want different things.. Also note that most people lie frequently. Watch what they actually do rather than what they say. In particular, once sex with someone hot is a possibility, their proposed standards suddenly drop, dramatically..

    The best method is definitely to try lots of new activities. If your focus is a relationship : be ruthless – if there aren’t enough of your potential type of person there, move on. Also realise that some friends take valuable time away from when you could be meeting someone.

    The question is how much time and effort you’re prepared to put in to find someone, and how much you compromise your life and standards. Spending a significant proportion of your life chasing a relationship is a pretty empty experience, but concentrating on enjoyable activities that have a low chance of finding a nice person isn’t ideal, either.

    It’s still all about sex, despite what most people say. There are an extreme minority of people who form relationships after an extended friendship – but that’s unlikely enough the best option is to maintain your friendships and if something happens, treat it as a bonus. The rest of the time, events move quickly and once fucking has occurred the relationship history is rewritten in non sexual terms. It’s funny that other people are dramatically more dynamic and interesting than the person’s partner, but because they’re a good fuck, they stick around.

  45. I am just going to comment on the base of this entire article of savage love.

    It’s based entirely around fat-bastards who pay for sex…..or have sex with less than un-attractive females.

    What a horrible fucking life that must be…to think that FUCKING is so important that you would PAY for it….and I don’t mean in that nice ” I bought you dinner so you have to take my dick in your ass ” way either.

    I mean these men have actually admitted to paying PROSTITUTES FOR STD’S.

    I am a less than Uber attractive male….and I have managed to have a threesome with two 19 year olds….I managed to have sex with a lesbian…a virgin…a redheaded super slut…none were prostitutes.

    Paying for sex is like paying for water….it’s free……..you don’t have to pay for it…

    Booze isn’t free…..but I guarantee that the chances of getting ghonnasyphaherpelaids is WAY LESS LIKELY if you take a bar slut home…..than if you go to Second and Lenora and buy a fucking WHORE.

    Of course that’s just my opinion…..I could be wrong. But I’m NOT.

  46. Only the *first* letter is from a ‘fat bastard looking for sex’ Voice.. The others don’t mention whether they’re fat or not. Different situation.

    Yes, it’s a pretty tragic admission of failure if you pay for sex..

    Oh, and water isn’t free. You pay for the treatment and disposal of it.. Unless, of course, you fancy running your own water treatment plant.

  47. I like Chaya760, he sounds like a reasonable guy. I don’t think suicide is a great idea, but I really understand the situation. I am 26, estranged from my family, isolated, and occasionally have to stay away from high, open places.

    Chaya760–you have lots of fans on the comments section here, I’m sure you could find friends or travel companions on the web. You’re already estranged from your family so you don’t have to worry about their opprobotion or disapproval. You can put together your own family now, with various people all around the world. There’s crazy and fun people you can meet on the internet, on web sites like couchsurfing.com … You can argue Picassa vs Picaso to your heart’s content. I mean, you have nothing to lose.

  49. I admit that paying for sex is less than ideal, but in my case it wasn’t so much an admission of failure, but more like ‘let’s get this over with, and yes it may be degrading but it’s a step on the way to something better’.

  50. Guys need a reality check

    Hoping for a hottie to make their self esteem go up. I think good advice was given. I just wanted to add that they need to realize that if you’re not a 10, then you can’t go out looking to get some really hot person. They need to look in the mirror and start to realize what they are on that scale of 1-10. They need to start accepting it and loving themselves. I think a lot of men have trouble being realistic because Hollywood movies sell these stories of average Joe’s getting hot girls. Which only happens in reality because they have money or power or both.

    Yes it sucks not too look like Meaghan Fox or Brad Pitt, but there isn’t much to do. They just have to aim for girls near their average. I guess settling is not fun, but then again they have to accept and love themselves no matter if they are an 8 or a 2… if they can’t love themselves then who will?

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