So, the takeaway from all of this: whether you know you had sex with a herpes sufferer, or if you merely suspect that is the case, for fuck's sake support Planned Parenthood.

Makes sense, really.

However, it also goes without saying that anyone having an active herpes outbreak certainly must disclose that fact to a sexual partner.

Here's why I believe in full disclosure: STDs require medical treatment and medication. Millions of people in this country are uninsured or under-insured and will have to pay hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars over their lifetime getting treatment for these infections. Therefore, telling them is the only ethical thing to do so they can make their own risk-benefit analysis.

Also, HSV-2 is not as benign as you all make it sound; there are numerous complications associated with this virus: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamaneurology/fullarticle/795486

No, you don't need to disclose but on the other hand, if it will make you feel better about the whole thing, why not just get tested for herpes?

This isn't a rerun? I swear we've done this before.

Get tested, dummy. Geesh.

Absent any symptoms yourself, do you need to disclose the fact that you once had sex with someone who had herpes? No.

However, if you know you have herpes (i.e., you have had sores around your lips or on your genitals) then you should also disclose that fact, use medication that suppress outbreaks, and avoid sexual contact if you are having an outbreak.

I think it's reasonable for the LW not to test for HSV, as long as she tells people that she doesn't test for HSV. Then they have the information they need to do their own risk/benefit analysis.

Wait, why doesn't she just get tested? Sure, almost everyone has been exposed to herpes, but responsible sexually active people get tested for the full range of STIs they may have been exposed to. Putting your head in the sand helps no one.

@9/periwinkle: If she has open sores, then she could be tested, but she would likely already know her status. Otherwise, she would need to find a physician that will perform an antibody test, however, I have yet to speak with a physician willing to perform that test, which they think serves no medical purpose.

@13, it serves no medical purpose. That's true. 75% of the population will test positive for one strain or another, and most of those just have cold sores on their faces. So what have you learned after the test? Not a damn thing.

Hi, I'm Coolie and I have herpes,

There got that out of the way. I've had it since the 80's, never had an outbreak, didn't know I had it until we started swinging and got tested. I thought that would derail our swinging hobby but it didn't, it just slowed it down a LOT! Lol. I agree with Dan that at this point she doesn't need to disclose, BUT she should get tested since she hasn't been and she does know that she was exposed. Right now she has plausible deniability, but that doesn't mean she can't pass it on and to leave that check box unchecked seems kind of uncool to me.

Just to add for everyone in the ENM community that is scared to death of herpes,

I've had it 30+ years, wouldn't know it if I hadn't taken the steps to make sure
I have never had a single outbreak that I'm aware of
I take the daily antivirals
I've been dating someone for nearly 5 years that doesn't have it
We don't use condoms
She gets tested twice a year, and knows she doesn't have it

If more people did as I have done, herpes would mean nothing to the vast majority of people. I certainly have met a BUNCH of people who believe they have been exposed (as Dan cites here, basically everyone), and refuse to get tested so that they can say they've never tested positive for it. Well duh...if you haven't tested at all of course you haven't tested positive. I've also met plenty of swingers that know they have it and don't disclose because either, they aren't having an outbreak, or "it's no big deal", or "hey, we used condoms". That sucks and isn't fair to anyone you are naked with.

The example I fall back on, is that most people would disclose that they had a cold, or something innocuous like that, to a play partner even though that is totally curable in days, and has similar health outcomes. To skate by with plausible deniability on an incurable STI just because it is "no big deal" is just bullshit and bad sportsmanship.

Attitude @1, where did you get that information? Herpes can lie dormant in the body for years.

Also, I'd amend Dan's otherwise good advice from "most adults who have herpes don't know they have it because they've never had an outbreak or their first and only outbreak was so mild they didn't notice it" to add "or they mistook it for something else like an ingrown hair, pimple or shaving cut, and then it went away so they forgot about it." It was only after I'd "nicked myself shaving" a few times in the same location that I went and had it checked out, particularly since it DIDN'T happen shortly after sex with a new partner, thus suggesting that it might be an STI.

@7 there's not really an effective test for herpes infection. Clinical signs are more meaningful.

HSV overall: the tests for IgG antibodies from past exposure work okay, but they don't mean you're infected. IgM tests can detect infection but have poor predictive value. Viral PCR is accurate but you need to be shedding virus!

For detecting herpes specifically, anything below PCR has a significant error rate distinguishing HSV-1 from 2, but that's not the big problem. The big problem is either virus can appear as genital or oral. Some areas have predominantly HSV-1 genital herpes.

tl,dr check your crotch

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2533633/

What's with the language self-censoring? There's nothing wrong with saying "infected with HIV" - the V stands for Virus, after all. We really ought to figure out whose poor little fee fees we can freely denigrate and who must be spared the smallest of microaggressions.

So, TMI time, I tested positive for herpes. I've never had an outbreak - a girlfriend did, which is why I got tested. Do I need to disclose before being with a new partner? My understanding is that condoms are not effective for stopping HSV...

I agree that just having slept with someone you know has HSV isn't something you should have to disclose to future partners. But you should be tested and I think breakout or not anyone with any STI should inform their sex partners so they can make an informed descision. I have an autoimmune disease and contracting other diseases or infections almost always has a much bigger consequence for me than those without an autoimmune disease. A simple UTI for instance that I caught during sex two years ago still effects me today due to secondary complications and symptoms and my body not tolerating antibiotics well. I'd be super pissed off if a partner didn't disclose an STI especially something like HSV which as a person with a compromised immune system I'd probably have numerous breakouts of. I also avoid friends with coldsores for this reason. Non disclosure even when protection is used is just a shitty thing to do.

@16, BiDanFan, sure it can lie dormant, but first you have to have an outbreak. If she hasn't had an outbreak in that incubation period she didn't get herpes from this couple.

I've never had sex or kissed anyone, and yet it's possible I have HSV-1. (I've had canker sores in my mouth, but never on my lips so IDK.) Seriously, (unless you have a compromised immune system -- thanks for your story @19), who the fuck cares? Should I tell any hypothetical sex partners that I've had canker sores?

Pijamaradus @ 4
I'm sure the miracle will be welcomed by all.

A lot of y’all are oversimplifying with “just get tested.” Many, many healthcare providers won’t test a person for HSV if they don’t have symptoms. It took some serious persuasion for me to get my gynecologist to test me as an asymptomatic person asking to be tested for both HSV 1 and HSV 2. I’m not saying don’t test, I’m just saying it’s not easy. One of the reasons why I like the Safe app is that I can request an HSV 2 test without having to make the case all over again (I get an STI panel every three months).

On disclosure, I firmly believe that it is up to the person giving consent to sex to decide what is/isn’t a big deal to them. For that reason, I disclose that I test positive for HSV 1 even though that is almost certainly because of an oral infection acquired in childhood. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but that’s for my partners to decide for them. Anyone who finds my status to be a dealbreaker (who is not, e.g., immunocompromised) is demonstrating so much ignorance about sexual health and safety that I wouldn’t want to have them as a sex partner anyway.

Not to be rude, but this letter is ridiculously ignorant. Anyone who is sexually active needs to get tested regularly- at least once a year at your annual checkup if nothing else. Herpes isn't even one of the diseases that can lead to cancer, pelvitory inflammatory disease, or infertility. Waiting for symptoms from an STI that can exist silently for years is stupid. Just get tested for the sake of taking care of your health. The herpes couple is not the main issue here. Ignorance is not bliss....it's blisters, lol.

If she is telling people she won't get tested for herpes (but only when they ask), that tells them all they need to know. Not only does she not care if she is infected, but she doesn't care if she infects other people either. I have no respect for this attitude because you can't predict how herpes will affect someone. It's also potentially fatal to babies, so if someone gets oral herpes and kisses a baby it's bad news.

That said I don't think she has to disclose that she MIGHT have herpes. Anyone might have anything.

@6: That really depends on the infection in question.

HPV, for exampe, is mostly benign (in the sense that most strains don't cause notable symptoms - literally, as in they are not noted by the infected person - and that most infections by problematic strains are successfully combated by the infected person's immune system), and there is no treatment for the virus (only a vaccine for the most carcinogenic strains), so there's no treatment that an infection "requires" in general (there are treatments for some of the symptoms if they present, but, again, this actually only happens in a minority of cases).

Syphilis, on the other hand, can (and should) be treated with antibiotics, as post-exposure prophylaxis/treatment is recommended in all cases of potential exposure (while there are usually acute symptoms to indicate an infection, these can be minor, mistaken for other illnesses, or very rarely absent, and the infection can have a very long latent stage).

Herpes simplex is MUCH closer to the HPV end of the spectrum - extremely prevalent, usually asymptomatic, and (likely) frequently cleared by the host. Really, avoiding HPV or HSV exposure pretty much means never having intimate contact with another human; it's just not a realistic proposition on its face. I don't think people are under any more obligation to disclose herpes simplex exposure than herpes zoster exposure (aka shingles or chickenpox, caused by the Varicella zoster virus, another herpesvirus), which was near-universal until the vaccine became widely available (which was after my childhood, and I'm only 33.

I have had herpes for 25 plus years. For those who have never had a break out or they’ve gotten milder over the years, good for you. But Dan please don’t just dismiss it like it’s just an itchy inconvenience. This is what it’s like for me. First I get flu like symptoms and very tired. I could fall asleep standing up I’m so tired. Then the tingling starts, then the the itching, stinging and the burning and sometimes the throbbing ache. This lasts from five days to three weeks sometimes I get out breaks back to back, anything can trigger one even though they do come cyclically anyway. Stress, illness or injury, extreme heat, emotional upset, all trigger outbreaks in me. Yes I’ve tried everything. I’m just saying, It can be a big deal.

@21 canker sores are not herpes FYI. Oral herpes shows up as reddish painful dots that turn into small bumps or blisters, often at the outer edge of the lips but can be other places. Canker sores are flat painful patches, sometimes whiteish, on mucous membrane inside the mouth (does anyone get canker sores on the outside lip surface?)

Canker sores are not contagious and have no identified viral cause.

@24#1 [why does this goofy software duplicate numbers?] "Not to be rude, but this letter is ridiculously ignorant. Anyone who is sexually active needs to get tested regularly"

The LW: "I get tested for STIs".

Just because someone doesn’t what one would consider a noticeable outbreak, like those horrible images on Google, doesn’t mean they don’t have the virus. Most people infected have no idea. Either the virus doesn’t produce physical signs initially (or at all) or it is written off as something else. Not everyone has a debilitating first outbreak. Or they can even contract the virus and not have an outbreak until years later.
Blood testing is not recommended by the CDC because they view HSV as a mostly benign condition, though there are obvious exceptions, that poses no real health threat. I don’t agree with this mindset and feel it’s more about not wanting panic because most don’t realize that when they go for their yearly STD panel, they are unaware that herpes isn’t included. The lack of awareness that HSV can be completely symptomless yet still contagious isn’t something anyone learns in sex Ed. Do most people seriously believe that those who are infected became so by sleeping with someone with visible sores? The virus randomly can shed itself and while condoms and daily medication can offer some protection, it certainly isn’t fail safe.
I think people have the right to know their full sexual health and should have the option. While a PCR culture of anything suspicious is most accurate if done within a few days of symptoms appearing, there is an IgG blood test that will show of antibodies are present. An IGM test is garbage, as it has not shows early infectious antibodies that die out as IgG antibodies are produced.
If your doctor refuses a test that you request because you want to have the full picture of your sexual health, it’s time to find a new doctor. My health isn’t up to them.

@15/coolie: I am curious whether you encountered resistance from physicians when you
sought to be tested for herpes without any symptoms. Further to what I wrote earlier, Planned Parenthood of New York City, and multiple physicians in practice in New York and New Jersey simply do not screen patients for herpes without symptoms. That is also standard practice among physicians in Germany. The only sex partner I had who I know was tested for herpes antibodies had a gynecologist who also freaked her out about HPV, but also scared her off about getting the Gardasil 9 vaccine.

The antibody test can also provide false positives, were you retested to confirm the initial positive result?

In any event, absent symptoms SURE may not easily find a physician who will test her for herpes antibodies, and while she should be specific about the STI for which she is tested, she can also truthfully tell sex partners that she has never exhibited symptoms of a herpes outbreak. Beyond that, her casual sex partners should be using condoms.

Sporty @18, yup, welcome to the "have to tell" club. And no, condoms don't prevent it.

Anemone @19, given how common HSV is, surely it is down to the person with the compromised immune system to disclose that they have a compromised immune system and request enhanced STI tests? Particularly given the majority of people who have it don't know they do.

Attitude @20, you're just wrong. Both Coolie and Sportlandia have been infected and have not (yet) had an outbreak.
https://eu.thespectrum.com/story/life/features/mesquite/2014/12/15/herpes-may-lay-dormant-years/20455747/

Girlie @24, read multiple other comments. Herpes is not part of the standard battery of STI tests. I regularly get tested and "everything" came back negative. It didn't occur to me that they weren't testing for one of the most common STIs, but they don't, not unless you have symptoms. Sex workers can request enhanced tests, but the rest of us just have to assume that mathematically, we've probably been exposed at some point, and proceed from there.

Tuffy @26, I'm sorry this affects you so badly.

Sublime @30, I've always used condoms with casual partners, caught it anyway. I guess it didn't help that when we got tested and stopped using condoms, we didn't realise we hadn't been tested for herpes... (or that some of my partners don't have penises). Never used barriers for oral sex. Herpes is a reasonable price of admission in my reckoning. Unlike Tuffy @26, for me the worst part is having to tell people I have it. Obviously mileage varies.

Assuming that 1/6 of Americans have genital herpes, and regarding Dan's statement:

"anyone who's slept with more than six people... has, statistically and technically speaking, been exposed to genital herpes."

The math guy in me just wants to point out that this is a binomial experiment, and sleeping with 7 people only provides a ~72% chance of exposure. 10 people yields an 84% chance, and 20 a 97% chance.

Y'all (and Dan) can read about binomial probability if you want.

Sorry to be that guy. But education is important.

Also, I would disclose and I would want my partners to disclose the contact - at least until I have been tested for herpes.

@30 Sublime - My wife found out first that she had it due to a very stressful time and having an outbreak with her immune system being lowered. So, for her, they did the western blot swab test which is very effective. She did have herpes and since I am certain that we had been monogamous up to that point I guessed that either I gave it to her, or that she had given it to me. We'd been together 24 years at that point, kind of a long incubation period...lol.

I went to my doctor and typically (male doctor) his first question was, "Are you going to stay married?" Fuck what a dumb ass. He of course assumed she had cheated. He also was resistant to testing and just took the line that I should assume I have it and move on. Since we were becoming nonmonogamous at the time I thought it was important to know for sure one way or another. I insisted (you know your doctor works for you right?). He relented. I had the IgG test and came back with an antibody number about 3 times what would be considered conclusive...I have it. I also recently went to Planned Parenthood, told my story, said I wanted to be tested again to check that my antibody count was still high, was willing to pay for it, and they happily did the test and confirmed that my immune system is still doing its thing.

It certainly slowed down our venture into nonmonogamy, but it didn't stop us. We just started on the antivirals, and although I don't think I ever had an outbreak it is peace of mind to know that they are further suppressing the virus so that I'll likely never infect anyone. Over time you become less infectious too so at this point its probably been 30 years that I've had it. I'm pretty healthy immune system wise. I basically never get sick at all, so I'm pretty confident that I'm a safe bet for others, but I still disclose because it is the right thing to do.

I, as Dan often recommends, don't treat it like cancer, it is just one of the things that makes me who I am. As Dan says, "sometimes you tell someone one thing about you and their reaction tells you everything about them". If they run for the hills, it just isn't a match and I move on. I'm pretty open about it, and use it as a jumping off point to educate my friends. I'm not preachy, but when herpes comes up in conversation, as a joke or for some other reason I'm happy to say, I have it, here's how it works...my experience is pretty common, and although lots of people have horrible outbreaks, THAT is the more uncommon scenario by quite a large margin.

I've had herpes for well over 35 years, one of those people who has known since my first unbelievably painful outbreak, which happened back when the stigma was much stronger than it is today (and before STIs like chlamydia were on the radar and HIV was supposedly not a threat to straight women who weren't IV drug users or hadn't had blood transfusions, so it was pretty much the "worst" STI a straight woman could have). And still, it isn't such a big deal: it hasn't stopped me from having sex, or romantic relationships, or children. I am on antivirals. Without them, I can count on an outbreak about every year, which range from uncomfortable to downright painful, but if I take them regularly, I almost never have an outbreak and taking them means I do what I can to protect any partners from HSV. Unless I am fluid bonded and have discussed it thoroughly with a partner, I always use condoms (I know about condoms' effectiveness at preventing HSV, but there are other STIs, and every little bit helps even a little bit.) I would never have sex during an outbreak, and luckily, I can tell when one is simmering under the surface, or for about a week after any lesions have cleared, but of course, there's always risk.

I have always disclosed, and occasionally, people have reacted very badly (acted like I had leprosy, the Bubonic plague, lice), but more often they exhibit natural concern over their own health, educate themselves, and decide the risk issn't that great or that the reward is greater. Frequently, they respond by telling me that they also have it.

@27 Mtn. Beaver Thanks for the info! I guess I don't have HSV (yet).

@34 Leprosy is actually not transmitted person-to-person very easily, and is highly treatable with modern antibiotics. The only serious complications these days come from leaving it untreated. Not that people know any of that, of course.

@36: and lice is likewise not the dreaded horror people act like it is, but you get my point.

Math Guys/Gals/NBs in the thread should take into context that the 1/6 figure for individuals aged 14-49 (or might be 18-49, I forget which) in the U.S. includes a large number of people who've not ever had PIV or PIA sex; the stat is higher among those in that age range who have had PIV and/or PIA sex (roughly 1 in 4, IIRC). Stats also includes a large number of married people with a history of one sex partner; stats are higher among same age unpartnered sexually active adults, whether single, divorced or widowed. And stats are essentially an average of those in the 14-49 (or 18-49) age range with lower rates toward the bottom of the age range and higher rates toward the top. Some of the 5 in 6 who were negative at the time of the study will later become positive. 1/6 does not reflect lifetime probability of infection but rather a snapshot in time that covers a large age range. Also, HSV2 prevalence among adults aged 50+ (who have higher rates due to cumulative rates of infection) are not figured into the 1/6 stats at all. And rates are considerably higher (nearly double) among women than men. Finally, the 1/6 stat is limited to those with HSV2 and excludes genital herpes cases caused by HSV1. So consider the nuances of your dating pool to get a better sense of things, Math Guys/Gals/NBs. Stats may be considerably lower or considerably higher than 1/6 within your personal dating pool, depending on a variety of factors.

I tested positive for HSV2 by type specific blood test in my mid-late 40s. No idea how long I'd had it; possibly a couple years, possibly decades. No such test was available when I was young and single. I felt a desire to test after reentering the dating scene post-divorce. For those asking about doctors being reluctant to test for this, my experience in the U.S. is that it is completely random. Some doctors will test for this upon request, some will advise against it, some will allow it but then advise to ignore the results or advise against treatment in the absence of symptoms, even if one tests positive. Some online testing services include it as a standard part of 10-panel testing. There's no uniformity, as far as I can tell. It's a complicated thing because type specific blood tests are relatively new, the value ranges given (when patients even have access to them) include "positive" results within a low part of the range that can often include false positives (in contrast to results above a certain threshold that are more reliable), and most people haven't been educated enough to understand the implications of testing positive or the likelihood of a positive test result in the absence of symptoms (80-90% of those with HSV2 don't have a noticeable primary outbreak, many never have noticeable symptoms at all, and some mistake mild symptoms for other very common skin conditions such as a pimple or an ingrown hair). Also, doctors often view it strictly through a medical lens and provide guidance based only on whether treatment is or is not required to address symptoms (no different from how they approach cold sores) while larger society seems more often focused on the stigma and how known positive status can make a difference in dating (as LW mentions). I was ignorant of these nuances myself until after I got tested. It's been a wild ride, for sure.

My experience has been similar to a couple others here in that I've found most prospective partners don't consider it a deal breaker, though some do. The changes to my dating/sex life since testing have not been dominated by acceptance vs. rejection. For me, bigger changes have been accepting a bit less spontaneity in the courting stage to make room for this conversation, and taking a pill daily to minimize risk of transmission (my doctors have all said it's unnecessary but won't harm me; I personally find it worthwhile so I choose to do it). Roughly half the conversations I've had have gone the direction of "I have it, too" or "my last partner had it" or just general acknowledgment the person is well educated about it. Another third or so have been clueless about their own status or that of past partners but interested in learning. The remainder have had an immediate anxiety response such that it overtakes any meaningful discussion or risk assessment. In those cases, I just respect the person's feelings and move along since a positive outcome for either of us is highly unlikely. Anxious sex is not fun for either partner, IMO.

A reminder that we've known for decades that all herpes viruses are capable of turning normal cells into cancer cells:

https://www.nytimes.com/1982/05/04/science/herpes-now-blamed-for-more-illness-than-any-other-human-viruses.html

That doesn't mean it's been proven that "herpes causes cancer" (except for Kaposi's sarcoma, that is), but it does mean we should be very, very cautious about claiming that it's No Big Deal. Any virus that infects you for life has the potential to be a big deal, and the more we learn about cancer, the more a viral origin for many forms of cancer seems probable. (Same with neurodegenerative diseases, autoimmune diseases, etc.)

We don't fully know what long-term risks herpes poses, and it's hard to justify the position that we do know the risks 100% and therefore it's stupid, unjust, and sick-shaming (or slut-shaming) to have any concerns.

I don't say this to make anyone feel embarrassed or bad about themselves, or to call anyone out: so far, the posters who have disclosed have generally been quite fair and reasonable.

But I think we need a consensus that it's inappropriate to be in ANY WAY critical of or condescending toward people who choose to avoid sexual activity with people who have herpes -- or any other STD. (That doesn't mean we can't criticize them if their reactions are unkind or demeaning, of course.) It's not even OK to roll our eyes and say "Their loss", or imply their decision is somehow cowardly or stupid or automatically ill-informed.

It seems to me that the only appropriate reaction -- the ONLY reaction that respects a person's entirely reasonable boundaries -- is calm, matter-of-fact acceptance, perhaps tinged with disappointment, and to move on without ill feeling, or retelling the story later on in a way designed to make the other person sound stupid or neurotic.

And if it feels unfair to be rejected for being honest and disclosing, while others who have the virus are oblivious or dishonest and get the sex they want...well, no one ever said doing the right thing was easy, right?

@40 You'll note that article from 1982 cites numerous herpes viruses, many of which are not particularly feared or stigmatized. For instance, people do not fear those who've had mono (or have contracted EBV without symptoms of mono), even though it is caused by a herpes virus, can be transmitted sexually, reactivates at times throughout life and is contagious to others, and sometimes causes cancer. Are you referring to ALL herpes virus when you say we should take them more seriously? Should a history of EBV or mono be disclosed to partners so they can evaluate cancer risk? Most adults carry at least 4 herpes viruses. Should all of these be disclosed and evaluated for transmission risk? Or is there some reason herpes simplex virus is singled out as one to be feared, even though a majority of adults have at least one type of HSV?

Ytterby Be Mine @40 "it's inappropriate to be in ANY WAY critical of or condescending toward people who choose to avoid sexual activity with people who have herpes."

But if people feel that way, then it's on them to ASK if their prospective partners have been tested for herpes and whichever other infections matter to them.

We live in a world where doctors say that HSV doesn't matter. So assuming that people will volunteer their exposure information is foolish if this really matters to you. That's like assuming that your prospective partner is infertile if they don't bring up birth control. If the issue matters to you (whether STI, birth control, etc.), then bring it up and only move forward if they give you the specific answer you want, such as: "I tested negative for HSV on this date and haven't had any untested or positive partners since then."

@31 Bida fan.. I always have discussions with my sex partners.. Its just part of the bigger sex discussion. I also have to tell them becauseoof my condition certain positions aren't good and because I have an inverted uterus other positions might not work. Along with what does and what I like and what's good for them etc.. Isn't that all part of the discussion we should always be having.

And we are lucky in my country where HSV is a standard STI test as is syphilis and lots of others. The tests you get here depend on your sexual activities and what you're likely to have been exposed to in combination with any others you'd like tested for. It's all part of the discussion with your sexual health provider.

But it is still shitty not to disclose, outbreak or not. I've had HPV.. Haven't had any symptoms in 20yrs or been tested positive for it in about 15yrs but I still disclose.

This letter is strange. If you are worried that you might have caught herpes from your two friends, why not get tested for it? Several people have written that their doctors refused them the test if they don't show symptoms. That is also strange. I've never heard of any doctors refusing a requested STD test, especially if their patient say that they had recently had sex with people with STDs! If your doctor says no, call the Infectious Diseases people and complain and go to Planned Parenthood! There's also an antivial that you can take to reduce transmission to partners while you wait for the all-clear.

It sounds like LW's friends disclosed to them that they have Herpes, and LW chose to take the risk of getting infected to have sex with them. Now LW is avoiding tests because they want to have deniability to future partners in the case they now have Herpes. So LW writes to Dan to get the pass on disclosing the Herpes risk - " I don't know for sure that I have Herpes so I don't need to warn my partners'. Uncool if so.

Do the right thing, get tested, and if you are positive, then get a prescription of the antiviral for Herpes - your life is not over, you can still have sex! AND tell your prospective partners, so THEY can also made the informed choice that your friends enabled you to make by telling you they have Herpes!

Think: what if this was about HIV, or Chlamydia or Syphilis? Chlamydia and Syphilis have drug resistance strains now, and they can cause infertility and other severe health problems. Herpes is not dangerous to carriers, but even pregnant women who've never shown symptoms of infection externally can have outbreaks during childbirth and cause blindness to babies passing through their birth canals.

You don't want to take the risk of causing tbat kind of harm, do you?

Some medical perspective:

Many(read:most) offices won't test absent symptoms, and suspected exposure for HSV usually isn't enough to tip the scales to "test" vs "wait." The way the LW described her suspected exposure (the couple on meds, not currently in an active outbreak) actually decreases the likelihood that her providers would choose to test.

@44 The letter doesn't seem strange if you're aware 1) most adults have at least one type of HSV, 2) only 1/8 of people who have HSV2 are aware they have it; 7/8 are unaware and go about their sex lives as if they don't have it, and 3) the stigma is directed toward those who are aware they have it as a result of diagnosis and generally does not apply to the majority who are unaware/undiagnosed. I agree it's weird, but that's how it is, at least in the U.S.

Dan, you have omitted the risk that genital herpes can present to a fetus or neonate. The in utero risk to the fetus ranges from slim to 30-50% depending on when In the pregnancy the mother is first exposed to the virus or has an outbreak. Vaginal delivery of the baby during an active outbreak poses a life threatening risk to the baby. Therefore, c-sections are performed to prevent such risk.

If the LW is unsure as to whether she has contracted the virus and wishes to know, she can obtain a lab test for diagnosis.

@48 I think it's important to add here that the exponentially greater risk is contracting genital HSV1 or genital HSV2 during the final weeks of pregnancy. Women who already have genital HSV2, and women who already have genital HSV1 and do not then also contract genital HSV2 near the end of pregnancy, are at negligible risk of transmitting HSV during childbirth.

There was a study of more than 8,000 women, roughly 30% of whom tested positive for HSV2 (assumed to be mostly genital infections) and roughly 65% of whom tested positive for HSV1 (assumed to be mostly oral and genital infections; distribution unknown) and all of the birth complications occurred among women who contracted genital HSV1 and genital HSV2 during the final weeks of pregnancy without enough time for antibodies to build. These women would not even be testing positive (at least not by IgG blood test) at that point. Once a women is testing positive by IgG, the risk becomes negligible. Not ZERO, but something like 1/5500 vs. the 30-50% risk you quoted for those who contract genital HSV near the end of pregnancy.

The same study and other similar U.S. studies indicate(s) about 2% of women contract genital HSV1 or HSV2 during pregnancy, and a fraction of those women do contract it near the end of pregnancy. This is where the major risk lies, yet routine screening for HSV status of pregnant women and their partners to identify potential risk of transmission by a partner during pregnancy is not recommended, at least in the U.S. And while pregnant women who know they have genital HSV are encouraged to inform their doctors and sometimes choose to take antivirals in late pregnancy, only 1/5 or fewer pregnant women with genital HSV are aware they have it while at least 4/5 are clueless and therefore can't inform their doctors.

@50 This spam is very on topic.

Have had herpes for a little over 30 years. Mine was contracted anally and the first outbreak was the worse; the doctor said my colon appeared raw and ulcerated. Took a month to get over it. When I was younger I could go several years without an outbreak, but as I've grown older, other health problems, stress, and lack of sleep seem to be factors that cause outbreaks, usually have them at least once, sometimes 2-3 times a year. I start out feeling tired, then I'll get a tingling feeling that turns into an inch. At the point where I have the itch, I can begin to feel little "bubbles" under the skin. Within 24 hours that has turned into an ulcerated area from the size of a nickle, once to the size of a half dollar. Without antivirals an outbreak runs the course and the lesion dries and scabs over within 2 weeks. With them a case I caught last month and immediately started the meds never made it to the itchy/ulcerated stage.Besides at the base of the spine, outbreaks can happen either on the left or right cheek, but never at all tree locations at once. Soooo...., I have to agree with Dan &others that the infection is not and earth shattering/life changing event. Considering how sexually active I was during the early years of the HIV/AIDS crisis and that I wasn't practicing safe sex at the time, I count myself fortunate that genital herpes was the worst disease I walked away with, considering the number of friends a and coworkers I lost during that period, that I didn't

She can disclose herpes status if necessary, but I suggest she doesn't need to tell about that fact she slept with a couple who had herpes. I had herpes and met a man at stddatingwebsite.com, He told me that he suffered from genital herpes because her girlfriend was having sex with a bisexual couple. he couldn't accept the fact so they broke up.

@51 I just realized that either I had the wrong number and the actual spam got removed, or I had a massive brain fart. In any case, @50 isn't spam, but @55-59 are all spam and are all very on topic spam. It's like you say the word "herpes: and the boys materialize out of thin air.

*bots materialize