Are you gonna finish that?
Are you gonna finish that? Seattle Public Utilities

Unless you’re the kind of person who’s been going out and doing a lot of socializing lately (in which case, what the fuck is wrong with you), we’re all a little starved for companionship right now. So why not make some new friends — not human ones, but plants? Or if you don’t have room for a plant, maybe just some decomposing organic matter?

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That’s a helpful suggestion from Seattle Public Utilities, and it’s not as unpleasant an idea as it might sound. We’re in prime composting season right now, thanks to everyone working from home and plants needing nutrients to grow nice and tall. And with a few handy tips from SPU, you can gather up food scraps and yard waste without having to worry about the smell or bugs.

Since a lot of folks are home right now, there’s been a marked increase in residential waste (which is why you might’ve noticed trash bags in short supply for a while, depending on which store you went to). Your at-home lunches have to go somewhere, but the trash is a sub-optimal destination — King County only has one landfill, it’s been over capacity for decades, and nobody knows what’s going to happen when it closes in a few years.

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So instead, SPU is asking that you divert your table scraps into the green yard waste bin (you can call them to get one if you don’t have one already). They’ve put together a handy guide to compositing at home — even if you live in a small apartment, you can put a worm bin under your sink.

Yes, of course this all sounds extremely disgusting. But in practice, it actually works; it smells like a fresh garden and not rotting food; it generates pleasant potting soil that you can use to fertilize your own plants; and it makes a nice gift for your local plant gay or bee gay.

Will your at-home composting project save the planet from being overwhelmed by garbage? Ha ha ha no, no, of course it will not. Instead, think of this as an investment in future generations — not future generations of people; we’re all doomed. But plants will take over the planet once humans die out, so the least we can do is be kind to them now.