I Went to Dance Church and Danced in the Dark at Velocity

Kate Wallich describes Dance Church as “the dance party you wish you’d had last night.”
Kate Wallich describes Dance Church as “the dance party you wish you’d had last night.” ANDREW JS

I really did not want to go to Dance Church. I'd first heard about the twice-weekly dance class at Velocity Dance Center from a friend who goes to Burning Man, and while I adore this friend, we just aren't into the same things. She believes in moon ceremonies and astrology; I believe in science and eating gluten. So when she told me about how incredible Dance Church was, how it had literally changed her life, my first thought was that it sounded terrible. Dance plus church? Two nightmares for the price of one. Besides, I'd walked by Velocity after Dance Church before—I'd seen the teeming packs of hard-bodied millennials on their way out. They looked like the sort of people who drink cold-pressed juice and exercise for fun. My beverage of choice is milkshakes and my daily workout is a walk to the kitchen. I doubted I would survive a 90-minute high-intensity dance class/cult, and I did not intend to find out.

A year later, my girlfriend decided it was time to increase our life spans for some unknown reason, and she gently suggested that Dance Church was how we were going to do it. It still sounded awful, but she said it was either that or CrossFit. I agreed to go. Once.

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Trees, Believe It or Not, Hate Your Dog


While reading that an average of 500 hounds come to Amazon's offices every day, and recalling how South Lake Union has gone to the dogs, I also recalled a conversation I had with a scientist from Vancouver, BC and a passage in one of my favorite chapters, "Street Kids," of a little book about the kings of life, light, time, and trees. The book is by the German forester Peter Wohlleben, and is available at The Elliot Bay Book Company. It includes a closing note by Suzanne Simard, the Professor of Forest Ecology at the University of British Columbia and the scientist who discovered mother trees deep in the dark and damp forests.

While having drinks with me at McMenamins in Queen Anne around this time last year, Simard (who was in town for a conference at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) explained that city trees are incredibly sad and lonely and hate the soil city planters put them in because it is compact. And to make matters worse, and this is what Wohlleben also says in that excellent chapter (the "street kids" are, of course, city trees): They hate being pissed on by dogs. From the book: "[City trees] have to deal with unsolicited extra fertilizers. Above all, from dogs, which lift their legs at every available trunk. Their urine can burn bark and kill roots." When your dog is pissing on tree, keep in mind that trees feel pain.


The musical comedy to die for must end on June 11!

Everyone is a suspect in Murder for Two—a drop-dead funny murder mystery musical with a twist. One actor investigates the crime, the other plays all the suspects—and they both play the piano! A zany blend of classic musical comedy and madcap mystery, this ninety-minute whodunit is a highly theatrical duet loaded with killer laughs. Called “Ingenious” by The New York Times, Murder for Two is the perfect blend of murder, music and mayhem!

Click For Tickets!

State Senator Introduces Bill to Ban Masks and Hoods in Public

If a racist state senator gets his way, the pair in this photo would be committing an illegal act.
If a racist state senator gets his way, the pair in this photo would be committing an illegal act. Alex Garland

State Senator Jim Honeyford, who two years ago suggested in a legislative committee that "colored people" commit more crimes, has introduced a new piece of legislation that attempts to curb an element of protest commonly seen on May Day. Today, Honeyford proposed a bill that would prohibit wearing a mask, hood, or device "whereby any portion of the face is so covered as to conceal the identity of the wearer" in public places.

Honeyford's bill resembles other anti-mask legislation proposed in the wake of mass protests like Occupy Wall Street, Ferguson, and demonstrations against the Dakota Access Pipeline in North Dakota. Other state legislatures considering anti-mask measures have cited these events—as well as the Malheur wildlife refuge occupation and the violent clashes as Berkeley—as rationale for such bills. Anti-mask laws have also been passed in states trying to limit the activity of the Ku Klux Klan.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Italian Job


Hi, Dan, 26-year-old woman from Australia here. I am flying to Italy on Saturday for a three week visit with my 29-year-old boyfriend while he is studying there for three months. Problem is, I want to break up with him. What's the right way to do it? Before I leave? While I am there? When I get back home to the other side of the world? We have been together for a year and a half.

Can't Impersonate Amorousness Obviously

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What Critics Are Saying About Twin Peaks: The Return

Dont call this a comeback...
Don't call this a comeback... Showtime

Four hours of David Lynch's 18-hour Twin Peaks: The Return aired last night on Showtime. And of course everyone wants to know one thing: Is it as good as or better than the original? Though I didn't watch Twin Peaks, which aired in 1990, and will probably miss the reboot, I, too, want know if Lynch is a old hat or if he still has that something-something. Here is what the critics have to say...

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Highlighting Femme/Nonbinary/Trans Electronic Musicians at the Second Annual TUFFEST in August


The second annual TUFFEST—a musical and visual arts extravaganza focusing on performances and works by female, nonbinary, and trans artists—will be happening Saturday August 26 at Judkins Park (noon-10 pm, free, all ages, funded by the City of Seattle’s Office of Arts & Culture). In addition, TUFFEST will host workshops and panel discussions for aspiring musicians and DJs, and hold an afterhours party, TUFFEST 'til Dawn at a location to be confirmed. These events are organized by TUF, a local collective that seeks to counter the preponderance of white-male-dominated bills in Seattle's electronic-music scene by championing women, nonbinary, and trans musicians and DJs. Last year's initial TUFFEST drew hundreds of people and offered several riveting live performances and illuminating workshops; it served as a capstone to the organization's inspirational agenda and bodes well for this year's edition. Watch the video below for forthcoming lineup information.

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Food News: Ray's Does Brunch, Vestal Reboots, F.X. McRory's Moves, and More!

Rays vivid, crab-laden deviled eggs.
Ray's vivid, crab-laden deviled eggs. Ray's Boathouse

Ray's Begins Brunch

After 44 years of simple, consistent bayhouse fare, Ray's Boathouse is delving into the most Instagram-friendly of meal segments: brunch. The Shilshole mainstay will begin serving it from 10am to 2:30pm Sat-Sun in both the main restaurant and on the ideal-for-Instagram-pics deck. Fare will include the deviled eggs pictured above, as well as housemade beignets, a duck confit hash, and a prawn gazpacho dish with smoked clams that sound absolutely smokin'.

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Am I The Only One Who Didn't Like the Twin Peaks Revival?

Agent Cooper, 24 years deep in the Black Lodge
Agent Cooper, 24 years deep in the Black Lodge

There was a story to be found threaded into the eerie-weird revival of Twin Peaks, though it proved exhausting to figure out, and sometimes it was downright Lynchian incomprehensible.

Showtime premiered the first two episodes last night, then made the next two available on its streaming site; but watching all four hours in one long binge is not recommended. Because this isn’t the sort of revival you can understand all at once; you need to watch an episode, digest a bit, then hop online and read everything you can find about it to try to piece together what the fuck just happened, and figure out what you maybe missed or didn’t understand or something in the mythology you’d forgotten.

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The 57 Best Things To Do In Seattle This Week: May 22-28, 2017

At the special SIFF event Rumble & Re:definition on Friday, catch a free screening of Catherine Bainbridge’s important documentary Rumble: The Indians Who Rocked the World, an exhibit of work by Native artists, and a reception with a guest DJ.
At the special SIFF event Rumble & Re:definition on Friday, catch a free screening of Catherine Bainbridge’s important documentary Rumble: The Indians Who Rocked the World, an exhibit of work by Native artists, and a reception with a guest DJ.

Our music critics have already chosen the 27 best concerts in Seattle this week, but now it's our arts critics' turn to pick the best events in their areas of expertise. Here are their picks in every genre—from SIFF movies and special events (including Rumble & Re:definition and An Evening of Cabaret With Robbie Turner) to food events like the Taste of West Seattle and Night Out For NW Immigrant Rights Project, and from the final week of Red May to the closing week of art exhibits like Seeing Nature at SAM, Nested Transmuter Cycle at Interstitial, and The West at SOIL. Click through the links below for complete details, and find even more events on our complete Things To Do calendar.

recommendedGet all this and more on the free Stranger Things To Do mobile app—available now on the App Store and Google Play. recommended

Geoffrey West
Geoffrey West, a senior fellow at Los Alamos National Laboratory, has spent years researching fundamental physics, but his curiosity doesn't halt at elementary particles. In his new book, SCALE: The Universal Laws of Growth, Innovation, Sustainability, and the Pace of Life in Organisms, Cities, Economies, and Companies, he applies emergent complexity science (which uses approaches from many different disciplines to explain non-linear phenomena) to human biology, society, and economy.

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Twitter Founder "Sorry" If He Helped Put Trump in Office

Not laughing so much now that Twitter played a role in a very bad thing.
Not laughing so much now that Twitter played a role in "a very bad thing." David Paul Morris / Getty

This has been kicking around for a couple days, but in case you missed it due to beautiful Seattle weather interrupting obsessive device-checking: Evan Williams, the guy who owns Twitter and Medium, is sorry about the whole Trump thing.

Via The New York Times:

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I Anon: I Came to Seattle Knowing What the Weather Would Be Like


Dear "Anonymous" who claimed "the weather does NOT make you depressed": Seasonal affective disorder is a fact. Furthermore, for anyone who has lived outside the portion of the Pacific Northwest that is west of the Cascades, it becomes a year-round reality here. Not everyone was born here. I came to Seattle knowing what the weather would be like. Still, it was inconceivable to have that much dreariness and darkness.

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The 27 Best Concerts in Seattle This Week: May 22-28, 2017

Girlpool (coming to Neumos on Friday) is a buzz band that even a jaded critic agrees is worth listening to on repeat.
Girlpool (coming to Neumos on Friday) is a buzz band that even a jaded critic agrees is worth listening to on repeat.

Our critics have picked the best musical ways to spend this week, including big-ticket items like Sasquatch! and Northwest Folklife, plus everything from the most horrifying thing to come out of New Jersey since Pauly D's DJ career (Ho99o9), to the reunion of one of the best hiphop groups to emerge from the slush pile of the '90s (Digable Planets), to the well-deserved stage ascension of a newly freed man (Freddie Gibbs). Click though the links below for complete show details, ticket links, and music clips, and find even more options on our music calendar.

recommendedGet all this and more on the free Stranger Things To Do mobile app—available now on the App Store and Google Play. recommended

Hero Worship: Morrissey & The Smiths
Hero Worship: Tribute Night and Pony present the ultimate celebration of the life and work of Morrissey, the contentious boy prince of iconic English sadboi band The Smiths, and his own decades-spanning solo career. A full lineup of local and national music legends lend themselves to all-night live performances, featuring Princess Charming, Alicia Amiri, Nicki Boedigheimer, and Joey Veneziani. Backing soundtrack to the festivities will be provided by DJ Kirky and Dee Jay Jack.

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Sometimes I Think Donald Trump Is In a FemDom Relationship

I mean.

Cazzie David's Show Eighty-Sixed Knows How Much Time You Waste on Instagram

"Maybe you could just, like, stick one finger, like y'know, to compare them?"

I hope Cazzie David doesn't bristle at constantly being described as "LD's daughter." It's a truth that probably helped her launch a web-series. And it's her sense of humor—which feels partly inherited and very fresh at the same time—that makes the series completely worth watching. Titled Eighty-Sixed, it consists of four short and hilarious episodes, written and produced by Elisa Kalani and David herself.

David plays Remi, a young woman whose ex-boyfriend has recently broken up with her. She copes with typical post-heartbreak insecurities in completely inappropriate ways. In one episode, she needs a photo of herself going out and having fun, but she can't post it herself (because that would be so try). She approaches other party-goers, begging someone to post it and tag her. In another bit, while a friend is mourning her mother's newfound tumor, Remi needs to change the subject—to herself.

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Doing Something Real About Gentrification and Displacement


The only thing worse than listening to suburbanites bitch about being stuck in traffic? Listening to local politicians pretend they can actually do something to Make Commutes Great Fast Again.

Way, way back in the '50s and '60s, people got it into their heads that they had a constitutional right to live in the suburbs and drive in or through the center of a city—to jobs, to stores, to stadiums, to hookers, to suburbs on the other side of the city—going seventy miles an hour. Our local politicians can't bring themselves to tell these entitled shits the truth: It's never going to be the 1960s around here again, when expressways were expressways, not parking lots. We can't build our way out of this. We can only build alternatives to cars, aka mass transit. (Preferably rapid transit, which is grade-separated transit. Without taking lanes away from cars, which we aren't going to do, BRT is not rapid transit. It's an oxymoron.) Mayors and city council members and county council members in cities with with functioning mass transit systems don't have to make serious faces and reassure entitled drivers that they're gonna do something to speed up their commutes.

This is how a conversation between an elected official and an entitled suburbanite might go in New York or Chicago:

"My commute is awful! I sit in traffic for hours!"

"Then take the train."

"I don't want take the train."

"Then sit in traffic, asshole."

Sit in traffic or take rapid transit: those are your options, when you live, work, or play in or near a big, thriving urban center with a functional rapid transit system. New York, Chicago, Portland, D.C., London, Paris, Vienna. Complain about your commute and you'll be told to pick one: traffic (that you and your car help create) or transit (that you and your taxes help subsidize). Politicians in cities with functional (that's functional, not perfect) mass transit systems—where they still spend a lot of money maintaining roads—don't have to waste billions of dollars on bullshit tunnels supposedly designed to "preserve capacity" but really intended to assuage the irrational anger of entitled drivers whose votes they need.

And now, a song...

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